Sibling not coming to destination wedding - AIBU?

[hopefullynotbridezilla]

Anon for this..

Firstly I want to preface with I know that expecting people to travel to a long haul destination wedding isn't fair. So happy to be told we are being unreasonable on this but interested to know peoples thoughts..

Fiancés sibling was invited to our wedding (USA location, so a reasonable flight). Sibling never acknowledged either of us to say whether they would attend or not. We then heard through MIL that they weren't coming. We hadn't been contacted or even congratulated on the engagement.

We are a little hurt they aren't coming as they have high income and low outgoings (accommodation, bills and food all provided with job - not struggling, spend on designer clothes and shop in premium supermarkets, just for context that they aren't on minimum wage) also single and no children.

But obviously we need to suck it up on that one as we do feel a bit hurt but ultimately it was our choice to hold the wedding abroad and even if people can afford it they are completely fair to just not want to spend their money and time on the whole debacle of it all. I guess the reason we are hurt is they are the only close sibling/friend not coming so it stung a little bit.

But what I'm wondering is are we being unreasonable to expect to be told this directly? Whether phone, email or carrier pigeon I don't care.. but going through someone else is just a bit off. That's the bit that has hurt my fiancé the most as it's like he hasn't even acknowledged the engagement or the invite itself.

Not sure if we are being over sensitive on this so happy to be corrected!

If it were my brother I’d contact him to say I was hurt he hadn’t told me he was planning not to come, and had let the news come from mum. It says a lot that your husband hasn’t done this (I.E. that they are not particularly close).

If you hold any event, it is silly to get upset when people can’t or won’t attend. Plenty of family missed my (small, short notice) wedding and though it’s a shame they weren’t there, it’s just one event and I will see them at the next one.

Has it crossed your mind that you have really hurt himby choosing to have your wedding in America?

His selfishness would have to be in a whole new level if he resents OP wanting her dying birth parent, who is unable to travel, see her get married.

In a mobile, modern world, yes, I would expect my sibling to come to my wedding.

my bil did something similar. I can honestly say it strained our relationship.

I noticed you mentioned the reason for getting married in America is due to birth parents living there. I also noticed you said he is the youngest and treated like a baby even though he’s an adult. Maybe he’s spitting his dummy out that your arranging your wedding around people he has no or very little relationship with ? Is he taking a selfish/spoilt stance of well why should I travel all that way pay all that money just so they can be involved ?

@hopefullynotbridezilla your in laws to be sound just like mine. We got married in the states too and my SIL and her partner didn’t come (for various reasons) but we were informed via email 🤷‍♀️ my husbands family have a very strange relationship! At the end of the day though this is the risk you take when you marry abroad so I think you have to suck it up to some degree I’m afraid - it’s a big ask to get people to spend that kind of money for a wedding. I’m guessing your DH to be and sibling aren’t particularly close? We’ve always had messages passed through the parents as well but that’s another story …….

It was rude of them not to tell you, and to tell someone else. I’d be tempted to pretend I didn’t know and to chase them up, with an actual phone call rather than a text.

it’s not rude of them to decide not to come. There could be 101 reasons why they can’t. I feel that if you have a wedding abroad you need to work on the assumption that most people won’t be able to attend and anyone who does come is a bonus. It’s a huge ask of people in terms of time and money and inconvenience, particularly anyone of working age with limited holidays and other commitments.

OP as an aside I think you think debacle means something different than it actually does. Unless you are being tongue in cheek by describing your wedding as a disaster.

This was my theory too.

He probably didn't mean to upset you by not replying/sending congraulations. As he may not be aware this is expected of him as you say he doesn't send thank you cards etc. He may also have forgetten to send the reply.

Personally, I wouldn't get upset as I don't think it the lack of reply/communication was meant to cause hurt. He probably thought, well mum's told them.

Have a lovely wedding.

How long have you and him been together? By the time my sister announced her engagement I was like about bloody time. Congrats on marrying the guy you've been living with for 5 years anyway and already have a child with kind of thing.

I'm not sure what you wanted by way of acknowledgement of engagement. Nothing is weird and unkind but what would have been acceptable to you?

USA I've not really any desire to go and wouldn't want to waste annual leave on that no matter how close.

Why don't you just ask them why they've said nothing?

It’s lovely to have a destination Wedding but not many people can afford to come as cost of living has gone up astonishingly quickly. It’s embarrassing to admit you can’t afford to come.

They should have told you, but if you choose to have a wedding on a different continent then you have to accept that people might not want to come. It isn't just about the money it is also about the disruption of such a trip, particularly if there are kids involved.

Remember it is an invitation not a summons.

Regardless of where the wedding is, it is basic good manners to reply to the invitation whether it's to accept or decline. I think his behaviour is rude.

Wishing you the most wonderful wedding day 💍💒

Why didn't you just say that originally rather than drip-feed it? It's an important part of why you've chosen a destination wedding.

Maybe they can’t travel abroad
various reasons for this maybe?

• some have criminal convictions that prevent entering certain countries
• some people are scared of flying
• some people don’t have passports
• illness -( I have a illness that you can’t see but flying really takes it out of me)
• time off work eg availability

it could be a number of things that they assume you know (even if you don’t) and that has annoyed them.

We had a similar situation with my (non-destination) wedding and my DS - she didn't RSVP. All v odd, as we hadn't fallen out, and I'd been at her wedding just a couple of years earlier.

I found it VERY hurtful, so I sympathise with your fiancé. Afterwards it turned out she just didn't want to come, and didn't think an RSVP was important.

I'd guess your BIL also doesn't want to come, or RSVP, and maybe has limited social skills.

But no, you are not BU for wanting a proper reply, and I understand why your fiancé is upset!

I might quietly reach out to PILs, and see if they can at least persuade your BIL to RSVP properly, for the sake of the sibling relationship?

I'm suggesting this because my DS then went on to totally ignore the whole wedding, not even sending us a present or message. While I didn't let this affect the wedding itself, I found it quite upsetting, and I'd say it permanently affected my relationship with DS.

If you ever went to Cuba you can't enter the US without a full visa application.

Many may not want to go with their love of guns - if you can breathe you can buy one.

Of course he should have replied to your invite, that is just standard good manners. Perhaps he thinks that if he declines he will be questioned "why" and just wants to avoid any difficult conversations. Perhaps he lacks the social skills to write a suitably worded reply declining the invite.

But I can see from what you have said that may be the idea of travelling abroad for your wedding could make him feel socially awkward, and you say he's single so going solo could add to his anxiety of the situation.

Perhaps he's just trying to avoid communicating why he doesn't want to go and has passed his comments onto your MIL, without having a direct conversation with your fiance. Your fiance could have a chat with him and clear the air.

I have not read the whole thread.
Have tried just asking the guy?
The Groom could call or visit his brother, and just say that he totally understands if going to the wedding is not something the brother wants, but just in case there are any problems that his brother has if he changes his mind the Groom will always be willing to help.

Sorry if this has been mentioned, but my immediate thought was that this is due to being single. Yes it makes it easier for him to come, less ties etc… but weddings are often really difficult for single people as it’s huge focus on love and having a special someone and for some single people, it feels like it is in your face that you don’t fit the ‘norm’ at these events.
I may be wildly off cue but that was my initial thought….

They're probably pissed off that you've put them in the position of having to miss their sibling's wedding because you've prioritised a location over your family and friends' ability to attend. Lots of people think destination weddings are narcissistic and selfish, I'm afraid. And you definitely don't know other people's finances as well as you think you do.

@sprigatito Read the thread. One of the sets of parents is in the US and can't travel...

Nothing narcissistic about it. If they have it here for the siblings benefit then one set of parents misses it.

She never once said she expected people to go.

Any chance the sibling is autistic? That can impact people’s ability to know what ‘the done thing’ is and it can be misinterpreted as not caring or being rude… also a big social event, especially one that involves long travel and busy places like airports, could be a struggle for them so they might be disinclined to attend because of that (if not diagnosed they might not know why they feel like this and feel bad about it, avoiding telling you because of that). Just a thought…

Your fiance's brother is incredibly rude to not acknowledge the invitation. There's really no excuse for a (presumably) fully functioning adult to completely ignore an invitation. Who cares if he comes or not, or where the wedding is, that's not the point.

And stop buying any more birthday or Xmas gifts. He obviously doesn't care as he doesn't acknowledge them - I'm guessing he doesn't buy anything in return?