Sibling not coming to destination wedding - AIBU?

[hopefullynotbridezilla]

Anon for this..

Firstly I want to preface with I know that expecting people to travel to a long haul destination wedding isn't fair. So happy to be told we are being unreasonable on this but interested to know peoples thoughts..

Fiancés sibling was invited to our wedding (USA location, so a reasonable flight). Sibling never acknowledged either of us to say whether they would attend or not. We then heard through MIL that they weren't coming. We hadn't been contacted or even congratulated on the engagement.

We are a little hurt they aren't coming as they have high income and low outgoings (accommodation, bills and food all provided with job - not struggling, spend on designer clothes and shop in premium supermarkets, just for context that they aren't on minimum wage) also single and no children.

But obviously we need to suck it up on that one as we do feel a bit hurt but ultimately it was our choice to hold the wedding abroad and even if people can afford it they are completely fair to just not want to spend their money and time on the whole debacle of it all. I guess the reason we are hurt is they are the only close sibling/friend not coming so it stung a little bit.

But what I'm wondering is are we being unreasonable to expect to be told this directly? Whether phone, email or carrier pigeon I don't care.. but going through someone else is just a bit off. That's the bit that has hurt my fiancé the most as it's like he hasn't even acknowledged the engagement or the invite itself.

Not sure if we are being over sensitive on this so happy to be corrected!

Thank you. Appreciate your reply.

I also think you've hit the nail on the head. He's not a rude shit, but he is a bit aloof and quirky and that is likely why he doesn't feel comfortable coming. And I assume maybe also doesn't feel comfortable addressing it so maybe thinks avoiding it is better than what might feel like a confrontation? We won't mention it over message but I'm sure the topic will come up in a few weeks when we meet up, hopefully we can smooth it over and remove any awkwardness on both sides.

Destination weddings are selfish.

I think you have said a lot of very accurate things here. I have also wondered the same.

We're talking about siblings here not friends you haven't seen in a while. If there is no bad history and they had a good relationship RSVP or not I would expect the brother to let his brother know if they can make it or not.

Okay I can't keep repeating myself this is driving me up the wall. I am not offended!!!

So rather than op pay for 2 people to come to the UK, or ask them to pay she'd rather the cost be met by everyone else, or not be able to attend?

My BIL has ADHD and is bad at staying in touch, especially for long distance relationships. Not an excuse really, but throwing it out there.

Not saying thanks for gifts is really shitty.

I am not saying that. Please read my post, there is no expectations. We wanted a tiny group as I don't like being centre of attention. People were welcome to come but not expected

Your fiancée is odd for not speaking to their sibling about this. If my sibling wasn’t close enough to me to speak to me directly about their wedding I also wouldn’t use my time/money to go all the way to America. Flights and everything else are expensive in America and you are being massively unreasonable to get married there and moan people arent coming.

WHY America out of interest? You were rude to a pp who asked you why you were doing a destination wedding, but why are you getting married in America?

My husband is American and 2 of his siblings didn’t attend, but you know they spoke to my husband on the phone about it all as they are actually close enough to talk. Your fiancé doesn’t sound close to his brother at all so why do you actually care if he comes or not? We didn’t mind his siblings didn’t come as it was our choice to get married in the UK, where we actually lived. I’d find someone getting married in the US for no real reason odd and also wouldn’t want to pay to go.

Surely you should have spoken to the people you definitely wanted present to check if they were up for flying so far. Maybe they have other plans for their annual leave or their disposable income. Destination weddings are a very particular decision, you choose them at the risk of your important guests not wanting to or being able to make it. I think you ABU for being upset that they aren't coming as you did not check first. They should have replied though, tbf. Perhaps your MIL told you before they got round to it.

To be honest I have wondered if he could be depressed so there could be something in this. I know it doesn't always mean it is the case but he is quite alone and has a different output on things. It's hard to get anything out of him though.

Most people don't expect. And we are paying our parents flights and the best man and maid of honour so I wish there weren't so many assumptions on my thread.

Yes I think this is the answer I've come to too

Is it possible he feels uncomfortable being around the birth parents and doesn't want to say this to you and your finance as it may offend ?

Is your dh to be fully onboard with this, everything about the wedding being set around your wants? It's important and the main thing for your family to be there, but meh, if his family aren't?

We told the family at a dinner. He didn't congratulate us but smiled and then went off into another room. Not sure why this is relevant but there you go?

I don't think he did anything wrong but it is a little odd he didn't say congrats or something, I guess.

Maybe they just feel awkward saying no outright.

Would you have accepted the no (from your posts sound like you wouldn't have done based on "they can afford it". Far from the only consideration for an overseas wedding - leave, simply don't eant to spend that amount of money on somebody else.) I have in laws who literally would not take no for an answer- couldn't afford it, my father was horribly ill, just didn't want to (perfectly valid). After all that the automatic answer is no because why would I want to spend time with arseholes like that.

So did they think they've couldn't say no directly because of the guilt trip that ensue?

Well I did because a response isn't too much to ask in my opinion

Why is it odd? It's about our destination wedding? Does the whole question have to be in the opening line? If so I didn't get the memo.. I've seen far weirder thread titles on here

They should have congratulated you and communicated with you about not going.

I think expecting anyone to travel from the uk to the USA for a wedding is unfair though, it is a lot of money for flights, accommodation, outfits, gifts and spending money. They may be able to afford it but they may choose not to spend that much on a wedding that isn't their own.
If it was my sibling, I would probably go out of obligation but I would find it a massive expense and upheaval.
But you don't know their reasons. It's your wedding, have it where you like but not everyone will want to go.

I think he was once arrested or cautioned for cannabis and now I'd too awkward to say sorry I don't want to apply for a visa to the USA because I might be banned. Maybe mum and brother don't know about this. Just a thought 🤣

Why do you give him lifts, OP? How does that arise if he's well off?

There's obviously a reason for all this discombobulation on your part. Do you feel that he doesn't appreciate you?

Only on Mumsnet is a wedding a pretentious "please celebrate me" event.

I didn't think he would come but I think my fiance did. Mostly because he has really wanted to travel to the state we are going, and he could have tagged on a trip that's related to his hobbies.

Also if he doesn't know you are adopted and the back story it does come over a bit much travelling to USA for a small rustic wedding. If he knows that's different though.