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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sibling not coming to destination wedding - AIBU?

353 replies

hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 19:56

Anon for this..

Firstly I want to preface with I know that expecting people to travel to a long haul destination wedding isn't fair. So happy to be told we are being unreasonable on this but interested to know peoples thoughts..

Fiancés sibling was invited to our wedding (USA location, so a reasonable flight). Sibling never acknowledged either of us to say whether they would attend or not. We then heard through MIL that they weren't coming. We hadn't been contacted or even congratulated on the engagement.

We are a little hurt they aren't coming as they have high income and low outgoings (accommodation, bills and food all provided with job - not struggling, spend on designer clothes and shop in premium supermarkets, just for context that they aren't on minimum wage) also single and no children.

But obviously we need to suck it up on that one as we do feel a bit hurt but ultimately it was our choice to hold the wedding abroad and even if people can afford it they are completely fair to just not want to spend their money and time on the whole debacle of it all. I guess the reason we are hurt is they are the only close sibling/friend not coming so it stung a little bit.

But what I'm wondering is are we being unreasonable to expect to be told this directly? Whether phone, email or carrier pigeon I don't care.. but going through someone else is just a bit off. That's the bit that has hurt my fiancé the most as it's like he hasn't even acknowledged the engagement or the invite itself.

Not sure if we are being over sensitive on this so happy to be corrected!

OP posts:
Younghearts · 05/11/2023 20:04

Just wondering - how did you tell future DH sibling you was engaged? You say No congratulations, did you call etc? What did they say instead?

MiddleClassProblem · 05/11/2023 20:04

I think having money and being single doesn’t also equate to being able to take time off but also maybe there is some sibling feeling that you are not aware off.

Regardless of them not coming they should have told you directly. Did he congratulate either of you when you got engaged?

BoohooWoohoo · 05/11/2023 20:04

Maybe it's about not having enough holiday days left ?

Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:04

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/11/2023 20:01

Assuming you asked them directly, then they should have told you directly. Though given they're a sibling, and presumably close enough that you feel hurt about this...can't your fiance just ask about it? Doesn't have to be a big showdown, just 'mum mentioned you might not be coming, is that right? How come you never said?'

Yeah I guess so. I think he doesn't want to make him feel even more uncomfortable that he needs to justify it if that makes sense.. he's made it more awkward than if he just said he didn't fancy it 😅

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 05/11/2023 20:04

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/11/2023 20:01

Assuming you asked them directly, then they should have told you directly. Though given they're a sibling, and presumably close enough that you feel hurt about this...can't your fiance just ask about it? Doesn't have to be a big showdown, just 'mum mentioned you might not be coming, is that right? How come you never said?'

This.

Does your fiancé's brother have a job that can be tricky in terms of taking time off? You said accommodation is part of the deal so it sounds like a pretty involved job... I wonder if he might be offended that your fiancé didn't talk to him about it and see if there was anything he could/couldn't do before making final decision on date and destination? Not that a sibling should dictate any of the arrangements, just that it can be hurtful to feel that the bride and groom didn't consider making it possible for you to attend (which may or may not be the case).

SiennaMillar · 05/11/2023 20:05

YABU to expect them to spend money on flights to your wedding, and they are free to buy designer clothes and Waitrose all they wish.

YANBU to expect an rsvp and for them to say congratulations.

Don’t let it get in the way of your wedding. Your wedding is about you two, and you two only. Hope you both have a fabulous day

Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:05

Neodymium · 05/11/2023 20:01

My sister had a destination wedding and our other sister didn’t attend. I think she was abit hurt that my sister held a destination wedding. My parents offered to pay for her to attend (not her husband just her) but she said no unless they both go she wasn’t interested. So I think there was abit of hurt on both sides. Some people just don’t agree with destination weddings, especially if it is not somewhere they would choose to go on holiday to.

I completely understand that. And some people may not like travel/flying/want to spend extended time with a group of people they don't know in full etc.. so I totally get it. It's just the radio silence that isn't sitting right.

OP posts:
MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 05/11/2023 20:05

hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:00

Please don't assume it's some kind of big pretentious event just because it's abroad. We have our reasons for doing this and it's actually very small, intimate and rustic so not at all this stereotype you have created there. There is more than one way of doing this.

They have left it too late to approach us directly now.

Show quote history

So you'll have your reasons for wanting to have it in America, they'll have their reasons for not wanting to come. C'est la vie.
What are the reasons? Big country western/Elvis fans?

Lunde · 05/11/2023 20:06

Have you actually sent invitations? Or is it all verbal?

While many people are OK with sacrificing a weekend to attend a UK or short-haul wedding for the sake of family unity - a lot of people don't want to use a big chunk of annual leave and ££££ to attend a wedding in a place they wouldn't choose to visit.

Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:06

Changingplace · 05/11/2023 20:01

If it was important to you that certain people could come you should’ve spoken to them first before booking the wedding.

You’re unreasonable and it’s not your decision what they decide to spend their money and holidays on, you should’ve accepted all this before booking a wedding abroad.

And having said all that I also got married abroad, but I got all this stuff sorted up front.

You've missed the point. That's not what my post is saying. I don't care two shits if he comes (fiance would like him there but we knew we can't guarantee these things), we would just like the invite acknowledged!

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 05/11/2023 20:06

hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:03

He is quite selfish yes. Never thanks us for birthday presents, Christmas presents etc.

They were fairly close but the effort has only been on one side. It's all quite odd as other siblings aren't like this at all.?

Show quote history

It's not that odd - people are different, obviously!
It's all very one sided so stop making the effort. No need to send birthday and Christmas presents, especially if he doesn't. Just send cards. (Actually your fiancé should do this not you!)

readingmakesmehappy · 05/11/2023 20:06

Perhaps it's not a place they have ever wanted to visit. Perhaps they have already made their holiday plans for next year. Perhaps they don't have any holiday time they can book off from work. Perhaps they can't afford it.

I absolutely loathe destination weddings. Cost of attending a short haul family one for us next year is already £2000+ in travel.

Gnomegnomegnome · 05/11/2023 20:06

My first thought would be whether they are okay rather than assuming that they are being rude.

Have either of you spoken with them? Not through someone else, not via text etc but an actual conversation.

They may have a reason.

Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:07

justalittlesnoel · 05/11/2023 20:01

Have they had an actual RSVP that they haven't replied to? Or did you invite them verbally? Perhaps they're worried about saying it face to face but they really should be telling you directly. Has the RSVP deadline passed?

Honestly it's a bit rubbish but I get it, we can afford to go on lovely holidays but I'd still feel aggrieved spending £££ and using annual leave for a wedding, even for a sibling. I'd tell my sibling to their face though!

Yeah exactly. Totally understand your money is to spend on what you want and others weddings aren't it even if they are close to you. But then just say and it's a non issue and we will bring back a gift for you 😅

OP posts:
Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:08

NerrSnerr · 05/11/2023 20:02

Do they feel awkward as they can't afford the £££ for the flight?

No they have more money than we do so I know it's not financial. But either way, they just had to tell us.. then it's fine, it's not like we would be quizzing for a reason why they aren't coming.

OP posts:
LocalHobo · 05/11/2023 20:08

If you have sent an official invitation with a rsvp by a certain date, then yes, they are rude people. Be glad they no longer need to be part of your future.

Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:08

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 05/11/2023 20:03

Very weird but surely that reflective of the relationship - a perfectly normal decent sibling relationship wouldn’t behave like this

Yeah.. he's the least involved of all the siblings but this is surprising even for him..

OP posts:
HerMammy · 05/11/2023 20:09

Small and rustic but needs expensive flights.

Changingplace · 05/11/2023 20:10

hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:06

You've missed the point. That's not what my post is saying. I don't care two shits if he comes (fiance would like him there but we knew we can't guarantee these things), we would just like the invite acknowledged!

Show quote history

Was the invite the first they knew about the wedding destination?

Much as you’d like it acknowledged, they probably thought it was something that should’ve been mentioned in conversation?

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 05/11/2023 20:10

It sounds that you are upset not that they can't make it but the way they have gone about it. And I think YANBU, they absolutely should have told you or your fiancee.

FWIW my sister had a destination wedding and I was bridesmaid and it meant we had to merge our annual holiday around the wedding although it was not somewhere that suited us very well, all with a young child in tow. I would have moved mountains to be there as we are close, but at the same time I kind of resented it. Its possible people resent your choice too. My other sister refused to use her holiday money and spent a fortune on a trip a few months earlier, knowing that my parents and sister would freak out if she wasn't there, so they ended up paying for her flights and accommodation, that really pissed me off! What really annoyed me was that a few years earlier I had mine in the local hotel so my family wouldn't even have to do an overnight, I know it was my choice but it was my choice to make life easier for everyone and not just suit myself.

Original poster
hopefullynotbridezilla · 05/11/2023 20:10

DuploTrain · 05/11/2023 20:03

I would find it odd to just receive a formal invite in the post from my brother asking me to travel to America and have no other conversation about it!

Your DH has really never mentioned it.. hi brother, we’re going to be getting married in America, do you think you’ll be able to come?

We did tell them this was likely the plan.. he was down for the weekend, then went back to where he lives.. since then the invites went out etc so he knew and seemed interested to hear more.. we weren't expecting answers there and then obviously as it was when it was first decided.

OP posts:
elliejjtiny · 05/11/2023 20:10

He should have told you directly but it's fine for him not to come. I wouldn't go to a siblings destination wedding.

Xil · 05/11/2023 20:10

I actually don't think it's odd that they've mentioned their intentions to their mum in what I'm sure was one of many conversations about a family wedding, and now think you've been told.

It would be more odd to approach you directly and formally announce what you're already well aware of.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 05/11/2023 20:11

Maybe he is just not good at communicating or something or there is something going on in his own life that you are not aware of. I just hope you are not stirring the pot and upsetting your partner. Just let it be what it is and how often do you see him anyway? Maybe the thoughts of been away with family for that time is too much for him, who knows. Has your brother talked to him and if they are close why has he not talked to him. There has to be more to it than him been rude and your brother and mil probably know.
Enjoy the wedding and I think destination weddings are fine if just the couple going but to expect family and friends to go is so expensive and takes time out of their own family holidays. I know someone who went away with partner and kids and they got married and told no one and had a big party when returned and everyone got to celebrate without having to travel and the expense.

BitofaStramash · 05/11/2023 20:11

Sibling should have contacted directly.

YABVU to expect anyone to attend a destination wedding even if they can afford it.

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