How do I convince my OH my pain is real

[justasking111]

After a lot of pain, spasms with my back and groin pain which my GP believed after some tests I used my private insurance. Turns out that I have scoliosis and arthritis in spine and hip. I've seen the MRI, have the letters from the consultant and a disc containing the results. OH thinks because it's private they invent stuff. My consultant advised physiotherapist 6 months waiting list so again I went private. She's been great but it's a slow journey.

OH thinks I'm being lazy again today because hoovering bedroom, hall, sitting room has broken me.

He then moaned about dinner tonight so I stood at the worktop chopping carrots, onions, celery, beef, stir frying all, dumping into slow cooker with stock, red wine etc for tonight's dinner. I had taken ibuprofen and Gabapentin by then so it wasn't so bad, the hoovering was worse because I've also a damaged rotor cuff from trying to haul myself upright.

I don't know how to explain the pain or how I'm really trying to improve my mobility private because the NHS just isn't there. So I've got the money which is mine btw

Having read your updates .OP stop paying for the
frivolous things and get some legal advice re the family money. As you are married it’s not his money it’s family money. Don’t tell him about speaking to a solicitor.

@justasking111

X posted with you, I see you're married. You're probably a wee bit older than I am if you've been married 50 years. You and I have a lot more miles in our rear view mirrors than we do on the road ahead of us. I wouldn't want to spend the time remaining to me on this good Earth miserable with a man like that.

If you can, talk to your children, they must know what he's like. I know that in your position both of my sons and my DiL would move mountains to get me out of that house and would be rocks for me to lean on through the legalities.

In that case you’re in a very good position if you divorce. Get professional advice - he simply can’t deprive you of your fair share of the marital assets. If he tried to hide assets he’d be on the wrong side of the law.

He isn’t baffled that the next generation of wives don’t obey their husbands like servants. He’s angry, because women are not what he thinks they should be. There’s a lot of it about even amongst younger men.

I voted YABU because you don’t think to convince home of anything.

Time to stop letting this idiot (who thinks you’re lucky to have him) treat you like shit.

Seriously OP, if you can’t get a bit of sympathy when you’re ill and in pain then when can you.

This is not a relationship you should be continuing.

Sadly op, you can't convince an arsehole.

Also, why does he expect you to hoover? If he can't do it, a cleaner needs to. End of.

So he's a health bore on top of his many other loathsome qualities?

He never stops, up, dressed, walks dogs, breakfast, off on bike until lunchtime. Has lunch then off again fishing. I'm the lazy moo

The dog walking and riding the bike are enjoyable and fun though. Why does he get to do that and you are stuck with the cleaning and cooking? Maybe if he had to hoover right through the house and prep a meal a long bike ride wouldn’t be on the cards. You each be contributing to the running of the house.

Hi OP - I agree with everything PPs have said about your husband. He is abusive, both emotionally and financially. As you have been married 50 years I'm sure you would be entitled to more than you think if you left him - if he says otherwise he's lying to try and keep you in your place. He doesn't want to lose his house-servant.

To dismiss your pain is beyond vile. I'm afraid I have no experience of Scoliosis but I do have Arthritis (Rheumatoid) - is yours Osteoarthritis or Rheumatoid or Psoriatic? I'm guessing it's a wear and tear type Osteoartritis rather than an auto immune type if you haven't been put on steroids or Methotrexate? I know from personal experience that arthritis is not just 'a bit of an ache' it can be absolute agony that can leave you unable to do basic tasks like lifting a spoon to your mouth or getting dressed, so for him to dismiss that makes my blood boil. My Nan has osteoarthritis and is a strong woman but I've seen her sob with pain because of it. You deserve so much more than this. Please please see a solicitor and find out what your options are - at least then you will know. Imagine living with this horrible man until the end, it would be awful. It would be so much better to live a free life away from him - with 50 years of marriage under your belt you will be entitled to plenty, I'm sure.

This is domestic abuse OP...psychological abuse, financial abuse. Ring us at Womens Aid OP..We can support you. Maybe he is telling you its tied up to stop you getting ideas. You are entitled to some of these funds no matter what he says. Hes just trying to scare you into staying financially

I swear, the more you say about this bastard, the more I'm convinced he could be killed in broad daylight on the high street and eyewitnesses would shrug and say 'Sorry, I didn't see a thing!'

That's a lot of leisure time he has there. Apart from the dogs, those are fun activities not chores.

Get a good divorce lawyer. I think he has convinced you that if he divorces you won’t get a penny.

The starting point of divorce is 50/50 and that includes all pension pots whether they are activated or not, business interests, investments and savings as well as the marital home, cars furniture and anything else that is in either parties name.
It doesn’t matter what he bought or when he bought it and that anything it has only his name on it
Everything is lumped together and then divided by 2 as a basic starting point.

I get the impression your dh thinks he is entitled to everything if you divorce.

As a starting point you own 50% of everything. Even if it is in his name only

If you had a business and it was sold, did you get your 50% of the assets

I would argue that you are 50% owner of any money he has put into a trust fund since you were married .

You should be paid 50% of the income at least.

A friend said her ex had told her if she divorced he would give her nothing

What he failed to realise was that it isn’t up to him to say how much money he would pay his ex. It is a judges.

She was awarded 60% of everything

He kept his business, small pension pot and a flat she had from before they were married and she took the large detached marital home and they split his savings account

She will feel heaps better if she follows the diet of 'fuck the twat off 24/7 diet'

Remember you can be sent to prison for coercive control.
What you describe is financially, emotionally and physically abusive relationship.
He might not be hitting you but he is injuring you.

OP
chat with us at Womens Aid via this link
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

We can help explain why this is domestic abuse and signpost /refer you to legal services if need be and other services.

Can you show him the damage on the MRI and any X rays?

Yes, @Loubelle70 that too : )

He doesn't give a shit about you. Sorry but that's the truth. He knows you're in pain, he just doesn't care. You can choose to spend the rest of your days with someone who is cruel to you, or you can choose not to. Up to you.

You'd get half of everything if you left him. And you wouldn't have to endure him.

He's a wanker. He knows you're in pain, he just prefers to pretend you aren't because that suits him. Your first step is to see a solicitor and then to file for divorce and make sure you get half of the marital assets.

Good luck!

We just need to find out which High Street he’ll be walking down, and when.

@ISeeARedDoorAndIWantToBreakIn 🤣

What @AcrossthePond55 said. Or the short version:

Gather up all financial documentation and see an experienced family solicitor.

Live your own life, without your useless OH and a bunch of pets you do not want, and all the aggravation that currently makes your life a misery.

And don't look back.

Oh, and get your GP to refer you to a Pain Clinic! Make your health an absolute priority.

I think you are not much older than me- we've been married 45 years.

You are actually in a good position- married and you know all the financial details. Don't say anything yet, but take copies of all the details of pensions, savings, investments plus details of your share of the business that was sold.
After such a long marriage it really isn't "all his" but at least 50% yours.

Knowledge is power @justasking111,
Ask your self: is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life? A skivy to a cruel, entitled arse who doesn't care how much pain you are in as long as his dinner is on time.

Your kids: do they know what he's like? Stop covering for him and start talking. It's not a generational thing, how he's behaving, it's a being a twat thing.

You know when he tells people that the private Drs are making it up? No one believes him.

Time to make plans OP.

You need a solicitor , the rest of your life is going to be very miserable.