How do I convince my OH my pain is real

[justasking111]

After a lot of pain, spasms with my back and groin pain which my GP believed after some tests I used my private insurance. Turns out that I have scoliosis and arthritis in spine and hip. I've seen the MRI, have the letters from the consultant and a disc containing the results. OH thinks because it's private they invent stuff. My consultant advised physiotherapist 6 months waiting list so again I went private. She's been great but it's a slow journey.

OH thinks I'm being lazy again today because hoovering bedroom, hall, sitting room has broken me.

He then moaned about dinner tonight so I stood at the worktop chopping carrots, onions, celery, beef, stir frying all, dumping into slow cooker with stock, red wine etc for tonight's dinner. I had taken ibuprofen and Gabapentin by then so it wasn't so bad, the hoovering was worse because I've also a damaged rotor cuff from trying to haul myself upright.

I don't know how to explain the pain or how I'm really trying to improve my mobility private because the NHS just isn't there. So I've got the money which is mine btw

Things all went pear shaped when he became impotent looking back. I'm younger than him and admit I said some cruel things at first when at 45 I was facing a sexless marriage. His response was that I was sex mad and we were too old for all that nonsense. I still feel guilty that I was not more sympathetic.

He's never forgiven me for that.

If he did walk out that would be your path to freedom.
You could divorce him whether he walks out or not though. And you will be legally entitled to your fair share of the marital assets. All the “clever accounting” in the world can’t take that away from you. If you mean he’s hiding money, that’s illegal if you divorce.

Op please stop wasting your time trying to convince the idiot that your pain is real.

Get yourself to a solicitor with as much financial information you can and get some advice on how to divorce and how much you would have ...far better to be in a smaller home and be able to pay for the support you need without this nasty, ignorant man bullying you...
Do it before your health worsens, and stop doing anything for him, buy headphones and drown out his moaning whilst only cooking ready simple meals.
Stop doing it all..please.

Your pain would be helped enormously by losing weight. Say about 10 stone of deadweight.

oh and get advice from a forensic accountant too to find out if he is hiding funds from you.

Divorce him and get yourself a small place you can relax in and just enjoy your life. You're entitled to a a portion of the marital assets, if he's selling properties there must be plenty to divide up between you.

What on earth is the point of living with someone so mean-spirited? Wouldn't it be better to be on your own and doing what you like when you like instead?

Your H is treating you like a household appliance that's on the blink, and rather than accept it needs repair, thinks if he stubbornly keeps using it it'll last a few years yet.
Reminds me of my FiL who wouldn't believe the repair man who told him the washing machine needed a new part, and kept using it until the day it flooded his kitchen floor.

You refer to him as your OH I presume you aren’t married, if so yes you are up shit creek without a paddle, if you are married divorce him and take half of everything and start your life again, you will never change how he treats you.

I also bet he knows you are in a lot of pain, but if he acknowledges that then he knows he would have to start doing “pink jobs” and so he is pretending that it’s all made up, in the hope that you will also ignore the pain and get on with it.

Let’s look at what life would look for you both if you separated:

He would lose his maid, cook, cleaner, emotional punching bag, he would probably have a dent to his ego in front of his friends, he would lose control of the joint finances that he is hiding from you.

You would lose an idiot of a husband, but would gain independence, freedom, self-worth, and a nice little life where you only have to take care of yourself.

I just mean that the divorce rates for different generations are different as a result of shifting societal attitudes/stigma and women having greater access to work and education.

I assume OP is not 80+ so there will be plenty of people older than her who have divorced. It was less common in previous generations but became not overly scandalous for the 'Boomer' generation, most of whom will be older than OP. Boomers' divorce rate is more than for any other generation.

I don't get it.

You know he's a prick. You know that none of this is okay, you've started a whole thread slagging him off. He sounds like a total prick, but you sound as if you aren't interested at all in taking any control of your life. Do something about it!
Either you stay because of money and you get belittled and controlled for the rest of your life. Or you leave and you can take control back, be who you want to be.

You don’t need an extension, what you need is a new patio. Some of us will help you dig it, and I’m sure some others will give you an alibi.

Household appliance what a wonderful description.

He does know that the doctors you see at Spire are the same doctors you’ll see at the NHS? You just get to see them 6 months earlier. OP, nothing you say or do will let him believe you. He will refuse to believe you because it’s in his own best interests to believe you are fit and well, and just malingering. It also gives him the excuse he needs to treat you badly. You are being emotionally and financially abused. You have also had a long marriage, so half those assets are yours if you divorce. You aren’t in a pickle, you have a great opportunity to free yourself of this man and become rather well to do in the process. Then he can do all his fucking pink jobs himself while you sit in your cosy apartment with a cleaner and eat soup from the tin if that’s what you feel like.

Are you actually married? You've referred to him as OH, but later on seem to be suggesting that you are actually married. If so, you may well be better off splitting up if he's that horrible to you. As his wife, you'd be entitled to a decent share of everything. If you are not married, your position is a lot weaker.

Married nearly fifty years

He shouldn’t need to be convinced. I honestly feel saddened after reading this.

Next time he says he has pain tell him it’s not true and he’s making it up, especially if he has an accident.

What exactly is wrong with the meal you cooked in his opinion?

He finds our DDS and DILs so uppity and demanding of their husbands. He's baffled that they don't do as they are told.

He thinks that the world has gone mad I think

Sit beside him on the sofa.. Gently cup his balls in a pair of nut crackers... When you have a spasm squeeze.....

See a solicitor, a good one, and see where you stand. Sounds like you need a good forensic accountant too.

@justasking111

Here's the hard truth. He knows you're in pain. He. Doesn't. Care. What he 'cares' about are his home comforts, to which he is entitled because he's the 'big man' and which your pink hard work provides, as is his 'right'.

He can't very well say "I don't give a shit if you're in pain, take care of ME" so he says "The doctors are bamboozling you and you only think you're in pain. Get over it". This provides a 'socially acceptable' reason to be one of the biggest pricks I've ever heard of.

You refer to him as 'OH' and I'm never sure if that means you're legally married or not. If you aren't you're in a very precarious financial position. If you are you are entitled to a share of 'his' assets that were accrued during the marriage. Either way, you need to see a solicitor. Tell them that chances are he is going to 'minimize' his financial position and/or hide assets. A good solicitor knows those tricks and has ways of finding out what they want hidden. And this pension that he won't 'activate' could form part of the marital assets and he could be forced to either claim it or pay you a lump sum for a share of it.

You need a solid knowledge of what separating (if not married) or divorcing (if married) will mean to you. Then you can make a decision as to your future. Personally I'd rather eat beans in a bedsit in peace than dine on filet mignon in a mansion with a prick like him.

Can I give you a bit of advice OP. Tell me to piss off if you want but I could have written your OP about a year ago. I discovered I was poisoning myself with oxalates. A friend mentioned I should try the low ox diet and it has revolutionised my life. It causes arthritis and a host of other issues. I am still dumping oxalates almost a year later but OMG I feel so much better. When you stop oxalate foods, you feel worse for a while as you have to dump them. My bladder has taken a hit and it's felt like I've had a UTI for a long time but it's controllable of you want to slow down the rate of dumping. Sally K Norton on YouTube explains it all really well. It might be worth giving it a try.

You shouldn't have to convince someone who truely cares for your well-being. He's showing you how much he cares about you. Sorry you are married to such a selfish shit OP.