How do I convince my OH my pain is real

[justasking111]

After a lot of pain, spasms with my back and groin pain which my GP believed after some tests I used my private insurance. Turns out that I have scoliosis and arthritis in spine and hip. I've seen the MRI, have the letters from the consultant and a disc containing the results. OH thinks because it's private they invent stuff. My consultant advised physiotherapist 6 months waiting list so again I went private. She's been great but it's a slow journey.

OH thinks I'm being lazy again today because hoovering bedroom, hall, sitting room has broken me.

He then moaned about dinner tonight so I stood at the worktop chopping carrots, onions, celery, beef, stir frying all, dumping into slow cooker with stock, red wine etc for tonight's dinner. I had taken ibuprofen and Gabapentin by then so it wasn't so bad, the hoovering was worse because I've also a damaged rotor cuff from trying to haul myself upright.

I don't know how to explain the pain or how I'm really trying to improve my mobility private because the NHS just isn't there. So I've got the money which is mine btw

You need to get away from this abusive arse and get a good forensic accountant .
Age Concern mat have advice on leaving an abuser in your later years. Good luck OP.

Ditch the oh and hire a cleaner

He really doesn't care you would be better off without him.
I am currently unwell with a disgusting, needing the loo type illness.
DH has changed my bed, cleaned the loo, gone to the shops for rehydration sachets and snacks.

You are in an abusive controlling relationship which also involves financial abuse.

You need to speak to Women's aid for advice.

Get goid legal advice.

Stop trying to get this nasty prick to believe or understand your illness.

Focus on getting away from him with every penny you can.

This is not a good man.

What happens if you just don't do it? You need legal advice. It might seem daunting but you deserve to live in peace.

Are you married? If.so as per pp - forensic accountant - take half and live happily

He is not listening. You have to SHOW him you are in pain. The twat.

Have this conversation tonight

You: I can't cook. I am in pain

Him: You're just being lazy. I'm hungry etc

You: I'm hungry too but I can't cook because I am in pain.

YOU SIT DOWN AT THIS POINT

Him: What are we supposed to eat then?

You: Either you cook, or we order a take-away because I. AM. IN. PAIN.

DO NOT BUDGE

Him: Lazy/Pink Jobs/Just making it up for money etc.

You: If you say that again, I will not cook even when I am not in pain. I am your wife. I am in pain and you are sat on your arse having spent a weekend doing hobbies. Shame on you, I am having a lie down because I am in pain. Please organise dinner BECAUSE I AM IN PAIN.

OP if you physically can't do things or doing them causes you pain, you need to NOT DO THEM!!!
There is absolutely no point in struggling on expecting someone like your H to have sympathy and care for you. All he will think is that you can do them really and are making a fuss as this fits his narrative that you're over playing your condition.
In your shoes I'd down tools as you shouldn't be risking making yourself worse. Tell him you're incapable of the chores and he needs to either hoover himself or live in an unhoovered house, and cook for himself or eat takeaway.

“I'm pretty smart admin wise. I did all the book keeping with the company we owned. I still do the tax returns because he's too dumb to do it and to mean to pay someone else. So I do know exactly what his income is, which irritates him.”

Company we owned? Then it’s not his income, it’s yours also.
If you want to stay with him then so be it, but if you don’t please see a solicitor. I’d have stabbed him at the pink comment. He sounds truly vile.

Nail on head. He gives money to his children for business purposes because they're the fruit of his loins. However, the grandchildren and children whenever it comes to Christmas, birthdays, days out I pay for everything because that's a frivolous investment.

It's exhausting sometimes.

OP I had a little rant on your thread but please please listen to what @laclochette is saying and take her excellent advice. Just because you are a pensioner doesn’t mean you have to put up with this situation. You are being abused and controlled.

Fuck me OP you're not in a bit of pickle you are living with a misogynistic cunt. You need to leave him. Get a good solicitor and find a way. Being skint but free from his horribleness will be worth it.

Agreed - he's abusing you now you are vulnerable (diagnosed with scoliosis & arthritis no less!): he questions it (in front of your friends!) buys you a fitness device & goes off on his all day hobbies whilst leaving you with all the chores? THEN accuses you of laziness!
You cannot make someone care, & he doesn't care at all. He is showing you who he is & his behaviour will continue to deteriorate (showing you 'more') if you don't act.
Are you in a position to go it alone?

You’re not going to convince him. Stop trying. Accept that he’s a complete arsehole.

Instead, concentrate on doing whatever you need to alleviate the misery he brings.

Arrange a cleaner for when he’s out as a prime example.

Continue doing the admin but stash away the documentation as well as finding other documents regarding the trusts. Get advice. Seek input from professionals about what you’re entitled to in the event of divorce, but do that without him knowing and before you have any conversations. It might be an easier picture that you think.

Encourage him to spend more time on his hobbies and use that time without him to actually enjoy your life instead of being his skivvy.

I had this food poisoning on my birthday lasted eight days. No way would he have cleaned the loo, changed the bed. I did all that myself.

what the fudgesicle is a pink job? any man who uses such terms in front of me would soon find themselves in the same category as my cats, without balls

It isn't away from the point, it's all related and is all because he is a nasty cunt.
Can you imagine not believing someone you love when they tell you they are in pain? Of course not. How vile a person would you have to be. And would you leave someone you love to suffer trying to cook or clean in pain? Or hide a fair share of the marital assets from someone you love? No and no, because you are not an asshole. But your husband, he really is.
Please don't waste your retirement with this scummy man, divorce him and enjoy it free from his hatred.

I think it's a generational thing. OP is older. Mixed with patriarchy and the societal expectation that women stay in relationships with dreadful men.

My parents are 77 and 78 and they divorced many years ago. Their generation aren't all that averse to it, let alone people younger than that. There are plenty of people of all ages that get divorces. You can do it OP x

@porridgeisbae ofcourse she can and should get divorced. I really hope she does, I'm sure she'll be much happier. I just mean that the divorce rates for different generations are different as a result of shifting societal attitudes/stigma and women having greater access to work and education.

He's got it into his head that we need a huge extension costing tens of thousands and he'll walk out if I don't agree. It means having builders in for months and a kitchen, dining area I will have no say in.

I really can't cope with this and suggested that we rented somewhere. Kerching he doesn't agree. I'm too old now to live on a building site

Vacuuming is one of the worst things for a bad back/hips/pelvis. Honestly, he is being an absolute twat. However, I expect that he is because he very much doubts that you will leave. Also, you say that he holds the financial strings, but he sounds pretty useless at cooking/cleaning etc. That is his weakness. Can you move into your own bedroom and leave him to fester in his own dirty laundry? Can you start exploring options to leave. He's not going to look after you in your old age. What you don't want is to end up stuck looking after him too.

Are you married? If so he isn’t wealthy, you are both wealthy. And if he can get a clever accountant, then so can you! He is lying to you in order to scare you into staying with him. Go see a solicitor with all the paperwork you can find on both of your finances. I think you will be surprised at what you are entitled to (presuming you are married).

It comes down to this - do you want to spend the rest of your life living in pain, being treated awfully by your husband, treated like his slave, shown no empathy or support?

Or would you rather divorce, get a little home by yourself, and live peacefully without an abusive and uncaring partner?

You only get one life. Please don’t waste it. It’s not too late.

Sure they do, because no one examines their ethics, ever !!! What an idiot, he should be embarrassed by his stupidity and crassness.
If he’s that uncaring you’re better off without him.

OP, without wanting to go full therapist on you, I wonder if what is actually happening is that YOU are not acknowledging that your pain is real.

I don't mean your current distressing health issues. I mean your entire marriage.

You keep listing additional examples that are absolutely shocking and saddening to me and others on this thread, yet quite dispassionately or in a way that downplays how painful they are for others to read: "quite exhausting" etc is very minimizing language for what is happening to you. Has your husband downplayed your feelings and views, dismissed you etc so much, for so long, that you have numbed yourself to how painfully he treats you, and stopped listening to or tuning into your own feelings?

It can be hard to acknowledge pain, we soldier on and sometimes we even begin to identify with our suffering as a part of ourselves - but just as with your back pain, if we ignore it, we'll never treat it and move past it. That goes for your husband's treatment of you, as well as physical health issues.

I’m going to suggest two things, a therapist and a solicitor.

A therapist will tell you how bad your marriage is.

A solicitor will tell you how much money you would be due if you left.

I offer this as this is the route I took to get out of a long and bad marriage.

Things I learnt, my ex is an entitled bully and after a long marriage everything is considered as jointly owned re divorce.

Ive been looking at a lovely house on Rightmove this morning that I could afford.