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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh hates my job

342 replies

Easiertogiveup88 · 05/11/2023 10:03

Dh and I have been having some issues for a while but they've got worse in the last year and he's blaming it on my job

Background, we have been married 9 years together 18 and have 2 children - 7 and 2. He does shift work and I have an office (WFH 3-4) days a week

I changed role this time last year after being unhappy in my job, staying at the same company though. I love me job and the training and development opportunities I have had over the last year have been incredible. However although I WFH most of the week there are times I have to be in the office or work some unsociable hours (think very early starts or late nights) and the majority of the time I can work these around DH's shifts. I have asked him once to book annual leave for something for me which he didn't so I re-arranged my plans, not an issue.

I've been given an opportunity for a team day out near Christmas (not a party but a Christmas activity) but it clashes with him being on a night shift so I had arranged for my mum to come and look after the DC overnight (as it would involve an overnight stay) and DH would need to drop the kids off after his shift to school/nursery and drop my mum home (10 mins away)

He has point blank refused. Said I've put him in a horrible position and all I think about is work. And that I'm selfish and he wants me to go back to my old role where he knew he wasn't going to be asked to do anything on his working days.

He has also complained I work too much as he has been on a late shift this week and I have had my laptop out when he has got home. I have been doing some personal development and e-learning and he wasn't home anyway and it was after the kids were in bed.

I should also add he goes to football EVERY Saturday or on days out with the lads most weekends so I pick up the childcare most weekends which is fine and I have never asked him not to go anything.

I'm really upset

OP posts:
GingersOwner26 · 06/11/2023 23:06

ACynicalDad · 06/11/2023 21:56

I'm intrigued by the 1% who think you are unreasonable.

Probably him getting his mates to vote, can't think of any other explanation for anyone thinking OP is unreasonable! This guy sounds like a complete and utter cock.

grumpycow1 · 06/11/2023 23:11

He is a selfish twat OP. He’s only going to get worse if you don’t nip in the bud. Stand firm and for gods sake please go to your Christmas do!!

OhamIreally · 06/11/2023 23:31

Also don't get pregnant

TooOldForThisNonsense · 07/11/2023 00:02

Your husband has probably known all along that you’re better than him. Now other people see how good you are too he’ll worry you’ll see it too and his place as king of the castle is threatened. He’s a gold plated ocean going bellend

ellyeth · 07/11/2023 00:24

It is astounding how many posts there are like this. Husbands/fathers who take virtually no responsibility for the running of their homes or their children. And who resent their partners having a work and social life beyond that of the family. Why are so many men so selfish?

OP it sounds like your husband is jealous of your job and is fearful of you succeeding. I hope you are able to get support from family and friends when you need it.

Ponderingwindow · 07/11/2023 00:28

He doesn’t hate your job. He is complaining about occasionally having to act like a parent.

Daisyblue77 · 07/11/2023 00:29

Its not your job thats the problem its your husband. He selfish and basically wants a slave at home to look after him . He doesnt even want to parent his own children, .

ClareBlue · 07/11/2023 00:34

TheOneWhereWeDontGiveAPhuck · 05/11/2023 10:27

Hes a dickhead who is not supporting you. However I wouldn't ask someone to take annual leave so I could do something in my job. But the rest of it he's a prick.

Don't working parents with young children who both have jobs do this all the time.
I would say half our annual leave for both of us for 10 years was covering these kind of situations when the children were young.
I thought it just goes with the terrority of having young children.

SillySausage53 · 07/11/2023 00:37

What is it with men and successful women?

SillySausage53 · 07/11/2023 00:39

margotrose · 05/11/2023 10:09

He's a dickhead.

Seconded⬆️⬆️

Ladyj84 · 07/11/2023 01:24

How unreasonable I could never imagine hubby trying to put stops into me doing my thing when I want as I never do for him

CynicalOne · 07/11/2023 01:28

I think he’s jealous of the job you have that pays more than his job. You said that the jobs pay the same, but they really don’t, because he has to do overtime/get more shifts to earn the same.

He wants you to do all the housework, childcare, life admin and he does what? Cooks? I could die laughing!

I think that people should leave relationships that are abusive but it can be hard to know what abuse is when it isn’t physical because abuse can become the norm and skew a person’s perception of what is really happening.

I believe, from reading your posts, that your H is abusive. He is coercive, controlling, and he puts you down (how he thinks you’re lazy, when you do everything, oh except cook on occasion, is beyond me), in an attempt to undermine your self confidence and self esteem.

He frightened that you will leave, because you actually can do better than him! But this is going to become a self fulfilling prophecy because if he went off, you could get an au pair and they help with light housework, laundry and childcare and it would be better for you, because you wouldn’t have to arrange your workday around pick up and drop off!

One thing I’ve learnt in my many, many years, is that no partner is better than a partner like your H.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 07/11/2023 01:54

So his work is sacrosanct and his working days cannot be disturbed, but your working days you can do everything he doesn't want to do childcare wise?

Does he even hear what he's asking???

Firethehorse · 07/11/2023 02:18

Many posters have very accurately described just how abysmally you are being treated OP.
It’s not just about work as he made sure to sabotage your lunch plans with a friend.
He is now casting aspersions on the suitability of your mother to look after the children he does minimal for himself.
Do not let him isolate you like this.
Kick him out if you can, you deserve better and the children should not see his behaviour and believe it’s acceptable.

Coyoacan · 07/11/2023 02:21

TooOldForThisNonsense · 05/11/2023 17:15

Also stop doing his washing.

my husband is not a dick but am I fuck washing the pants of a grown man!

This at least. He is not showing himself in a very good light

Keeper11 · 07/11/2023 03:10

Remind him of your salary and what it pays for - tell him you may consider reverting to old position providing he makes up the shortfall FOR LIFE!
Then carry on with your new role. Pay for a taxi for your Mum and the kids. He will soon be surplus to requirements!
Good Luck - you are doing so well to pursue your career.

Codlingmoths · 07/11/2023 04:28

Bullshit he doesn’t trust your mum. He’s just saying that because if your mum can do it then you are free to go do a work or social thing, basically anything he can’t be part of and where you might talk to other people who think you’re successful and likeable.

Mumof2girls2121 · 07/11/2023 04:29

He sounds controlling and selfish

REignbow · 07/11/2023 04:30

Like everyone else has said, it is not you but him.

He doesn’t want to change the status quo and is using any and all ways to manipulate and control you.

He doesn’t want you going to a lunch with a friend, he doesn’t want you to go to a WORK Christmas activity and he certainly doesn’t want you to be happy in your job or bettering yourself.

He wants your world to be centred around him. He’s got it made! A wife that works, does the majority of the house work and all childcare and then is okay with weekly football games/nights out.

You deserve better. Because what you are asking is not all that much.

have you ever heard of the boiling frog analogy?

He has you so conditioned that you are actually asking if what YOU are feeling is okay…….

THEDEACON · 07/11/2023 04:30

He's a controlling arsehole Don't bend to his coersion

DuchessDandelion · 07/11/2023 04:59

Bollocks does he not trust your mum!

This is just controlling behaviour from start to finish, he doesn't want to lose the argument and will say anything to make you back down.

Don't.

Ihadenough22 · 07/11/2023 05:00

What a selfish idiot. I tell him that unfortunately that since he earns so little that you have no choice but to work to keep the bills paid. Tell him if he wants a stay at home wife he need to get a better job.
I would also tell him that you have minded his children and done all the housework on your own for long enough. As a husband and father he needs to step up and you won't be cancelling your work events to suit him. Tell him it's time he grew up and if he keeps acting like a child you will have no choice but to treat him like one.
I would not cook a meal for him, make a lunch or do any washing for him.

I ring his mother and tell her how little he is doing to help out at home. Ask his mother would she mind looking after his children (her grandchildren) as he refuses to do this when you go to work events.
Tell her about the Christmas work event and ask her would she mind his children when you go to this? Since your mother is not good enough to mind his children his mother can do this.
If he has sisters I ring them as well and tell them what he is like. Ask them could they mind his children every Saturday when he goes to football as you need a few hours of a break as you sick of being his slave.
I can't see his mother or sisters wanting to babysit your children always and they tell him to grow up.

If he wants to make your life difficult I return the favour. I would not give up your job or miss out on work events that are important for you to attend. He has had everything his own way for long enough. If your married, with children and both working you both have carry the load of childcare, housework, cooking ect. Along with this is important that you both have some child free time. I knew one man like your husband who liked free time for running and cycling but after he had kids he realised he could not be gone for hours at a time when he had young family.

ZipZabZupZy · 07/11/2023 05:02

How dare he call you lazy after everything you do and how little he does? How dare he! And then trying to control how long you work and whether you go to a work activity or not? Whether you can have lunch with your friend?

Oh OP. Please wake up. Your being abused. Financially and emotionally.

I'd honestly consider leaving him if he doesnt change. What are you benefiting from this relationship?

Write a list of everything you both do work wise, house wise, leisure time ect. It's no where near equal how dare he call you lazy when you do so much and all he does is put his clothes on and go to work. What a horrible selfish man.

I'd show him the list and then show him how much easier your life would be if he wasnt in It!

Fosterfloof · 07/11/2023 05:34

He's a selfish arsehole!!!

If you didn't work would he be able to afford his football matches each week and days out with his mates??? If this is the case perhaps you should remind him of this fact.

LittleMouse10 · 07/11/2023 05:58

Do not give up your job and no you are not being unreasonable. He doesn't get to argue because something is not to his liking. you are your own person and if you like your job then that's your job. I was in a relationship where I got the blame is something wasn't done and I lost so much of myself, time, family time and more.
Wether you are happy or not in the relationship other than this make sure you always have independence where if needed you can run. Not saying you will need to but I ended up in a dependent relationship and it took so much help to get out. Not saying you need that but always put yourself first.

He is hella unreasonable.