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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh hates my job

342 replies

Easiertogiveup88 · 05/11/2023 10:03

Dh and I have been having some issues for a while but they've got worse in the last year and he's blaming it on my job

Background, we have been married 9 years together 18 and have 2 children - 7 and 2. He does shift work and I have an office (WFH 3-4) days a week

I changed role this time last year after being unhappy in my job, staying at the same company though. I love me job and the training and development opportunities I have had over the last year have been incredible. However although I WFH most of the week there are times I have to be in the office or work some unsociable hours (think very early starts or late nights) and the majority of the time I can work these around DH's shifts. I have asked him once to book annual leave for something for me which he didn't so I re-arranged my plans, not an issue.

I've been given an opportunity for a team day out near Christmas (not a party but a Christmas activity) but it clashes with him being on a night shift so I had arranged for my mum to come and look after the DC overnight (as it would involve an overnight stay) and DH would need to drop the kids off after his shift to school/nursery and drop my mum home (10 mins away)

He has point blank refused. Said I've put him in a horrible position and all I think about is work. And that I'm selfish and he wants me to go back to my old role where he knew he wasn't going to be asked to do anything on his working days.

He has also complained I work too much as he has been on a late shift this week and I have had my laptop out when he has got home. I have been doing some personal development and e-learning and he wasn't home anyway and it was after the kids were in bed.

I should also add he goes to football EVERY Saturday or on days out with the lads most weekends so I pick up the childcare most weekends which is fine and I have never asked him not to go anything.

I'm really upset

OP posts:
Garlicnaan · 07/11/2023 06:05

NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/11/2023 19:12

It's not your Mum he doesn't trust, it's you. He doesn't trust you not to go shagging some random bloke when you leave the house for work. He doesn't trust you to believe him that his shiftworking, misogynistic wankerdom is the best you'll ever do and that you have value in yourself, not when you might have colleagues, especially male ones, respecting you as an individual and professional. He knows that if you are allowed to take your eyes of his wants, his dirty socks and his cock that you might realise he's a complete prick and show him the door because you aren't dependent upon him anymore.

This!

Fosterfloof · 07/11/2023 06:09

After just reading you saying that he doesn't trust your mum - what happens if you go out together, I bet he trusts your mum with the kids then!!!

The more I hear the more of a selfish bastard he sounds!!

I would seriously think about leaving him as he is just looking out for himself and you and your kids deserve better!!!

CynicalOne · 07/11/2023 06:38

ZipZabZupZy · 07/11/2023 05:02

How dare he call you lazy after everything you do and how little he does? How dare he! And then trying to control how long you work and whether you go to a work activity or not? Whether you can have lunch with your friend?

Oh OP. Please wake up. Your being abused. Financially and emotionally.

I'd honestly consider leaving him if he doesnt change. What are you benefiting from this relationship?

Write a list of everything you both do work wise, house wise, leisure time ect. It's no where near equal how dare he call you lazy when you do so much and all he does is put his clothes on and go to work. What a horrible selfish man.

I'd show him the list and then show him how much easier your life would be if he wasnt in It!

This is what you should do @Easiertogiveup88!

Make a spreadsheet or word table, and each day, in 2 columns, put what you have done that day, versus what he has done, include everything, so housework, cleaning, childcare such as dressing the kids, bathing them, etc., shopping, leisure activity, work, etc. If your H has a lunch break, include that. Also list how much time was spent on each thing. So time yourself loading the washing machine, emptying the dishwasher, again, times for everything, including sleep/time spent in bed (other than my DH, I don't know anyone who falls asleep on command, so it might be that your H goes to bed and spends an hour reading the news).

At the end of the 7 days that you've done this for, add up the totals for work related activities, childcare, housework, cooking, life admin such as appointments and cooking, chauffeuring the kids about, leisure activities (it would be excellent if you could colour code everything than make the excel spreadsheet into a pie chart, one for him and one for you, really strike the message home!) and then sot down with your H and let's see who the lazy one is.

If you need help doing the spreadsheet, give me a shout 🙂

HaveSomeIntrospect · 07/11/2023 06:41

I had a similar situation with my now exh. I was working full time and doing everything in the household. As the children got older and I had to change my entire working life which ultimately ended my career.

The resentment is still in me now. My children are older and I am retraining, but I do get upset when I see my peers having fulfilling careers because they had all-in supportive spouses.

NigelHarmansNewWife · 07/11/2023 06:57

It's not your job he doesn't like, it's the change to your family routines which mean he has to think about someone other than himself. What a selfish, controlling arse he is. Ask yourself what kind of husband doesn't want his wife to progress at work.

DunkinDoughnut36 · 07/11/2023 07:12

If it were me I’d be saying “if you’re going to cry on like a baby because you’re not getting your own way the ONE time I want to do something for myself, then you’re not going out every weekend with the lads, and if you do every door will be locked and you won’t get back in”.

Mrsgreen100 · 07/11/2023 07:13

Sounds controlling to me , people who love us want to see us doing well and progressing
red flag tbh
keep up your new learning etc , enjoy your time away from him without the kids.
sounds like he wants you back in your box !
well done on new job👍

ManyATrueWord · 07/11/2023 07:13

Sadly I think you have a controlling man here. Coercive control is illegal, but that doesn't help you.

You have two choices. Accept it and knuckle under and live your life in an ever tightening noose, unable to breathe, or get yourself a good dose of entitlement and self righteousness and push back. You cannot afford not to stand up to him. There will be conflict but you will not improve things by avoiding it. If you try and make yourself smaller for this kind of man they will just squash you further.

ThinWomansBrain · 07/11/2023 07:23

... is annoyed that I dare not make him the centre of the world.

In your shoes, he would be so far from the centre of my world that his only role would be paying child maintenance.

Frazzledatfifty · 07/11/2023 07:25

I’m not surprised you are upset… presumably furious too… I would be… Juggling 2 jobs, kids and house etc should be a team effort… it sounds like you are looking after 3 kids at the moment… Lovely of your Mum to be prepared to come and help with the kids… your DH should be v grateful for that… You need to be strong and have words with him about team effort, pulling his weight etc and the fact that you are also entitled to a bit of freedom. Fine that he plays football, but then he should be prepared to take the kids so that you can do a few things for yourself occasionally (work events just need to be covered… work is work, it has to be done and if there is socialising/team events - they need to be done too!!!). Be strong with him… and don’t apologise!!!!! He is being wildly unreasonable and controlling (sounds like he might be jealous of your job???)

Eskimal · 07/11/2023 07:35

Your husband is highly manipulative. His words are very alarming “you’ve put him in a horrible position”.
Please take a step back and look at this as if it was a situation in another household.
you have a right to a career.
you have a right to free time like he does.
I shouldn’t try to guess his job but this sounds like the kind of misogyny found in the police force.
on a basic level he’s unable to appreciate and respect equality. On a complex level he feels threatened by your success. Both are at play here.
do not believe his words or take them to heart.

Weareallmadhere2 · 07/11/2023 07:41

Same but different.
Was with him 22 years from age 17-39. He was 5 years older. He worked away when I met him. I knew what life would be. 3 kids later and him home 1 weekend a month, we went nowhere, he never did a single school meeting, i couldnt go a lot of places due to childcare issues, I then had accusations thrown at me, I had to work part time and forsake a serious career due to the kids and school etc. He didnt like i changed job with many men. If i was out, he'd ask what i was wearing, not to be nice... so he could check. And in the grand scheme, he was the one being a bit free with himself. He wasn't a bad father or dad but I had enough one day and said I'm leaving. That was 2012. I met someone new and have been with them since. He accommodates me on all levels. He pushes me to aim higher. My ex regretted it massively. We stayed friends and he passed away accidentally in 2021 and left 200k to me and the kids...made me sad for him a little. Your husband is close to losing everything. You need to decide whether he does or not. It's not something I would put up with. Good luck with it all...

Pinkfluff76 · 07/11/2023 07:43

Your husband sounds like a horrible selfish twat

LimePi · 07/11/2023 08:07

Sorry I don’t believe he doesn’t trust your mum to look after kids. It’s just an excuse.
what he wants is for you to be constantly available so he doesn’t have to do anything.
selfish prick

LakieLady · 07/11/2023 08:10

YANBU, although I don't think it's your job he hates so much as him hating having to do "women's work" when you have work commitments.

He's a lazy, sexist git.

CatherinedeBourgh · 07/11/2023 08:13

So he wants a housewife that puts him first and is always available? Does that mean that he pays 100% of all family expenses and your salary goes straight into your own account and is never accessed for anything that relates to the family?

No? I didn't think so.

Then he needs to grow up and realise he is married to an equal partner whose job is just as important as his own, and that the family and household responsibilities are equally shared by him.

Tarquina · 07/11/2023 08:14

What does he do all day when on nightshift?

Work 8 hr
Sleep/wash 8 hrs

And the other 8 hrs???

Catsfrontbum · 07/11/2023 08:19

He’s scared of you. You’re leaving him behind!

BardRelic · 07/11/2023 08:21

The more you post, the worse he sounds. I bet his life didn't change when you had children, whereas yours changed beyond all recognition.

I would be having a serious think about whether or not I wanted to stay with him. It sounds like, if you split, you'd have one less person to look after and the same amount of help. That would be very tempting.

Wanderinghome · 07/11/2023 08:31

How bad was the argument over socks? Would you consider it abusive?

There's a course called the freedom program that can help people identity abuse within their relationship. It's free and it's online and you can still do it when you're in the relationship.

If you have a feeling that it could be abusive but you can't quite point your finger on it this course could help.

TeslaTwat · 07/11/2023 08:34

Sounds like he does the bare minimum and expects a medal. He's mad you're not his skivvy anymore. I would think long and hard about what he is doing to your mental health as this can't be good for you or your self esteem - plus increased stress.

It's easy to say LTB on Mumsnet but would your life be any harder? What about the example given to your kids - do you want your son to act the same? Your daughter to accept the same.

Flowers
user1492757084 · 07/11/2023 08:34

One thing that should change promptly is that DH should be responsible for all his own washing, folding and ironing. Once he gets good at that he should also wash the oldest child's clothes before graduating to the whole family's washing.

If you trust your mother then he should too.

Your job is very felexible really and your husband should feel lucky about that. It is good to have a stop work time, I agree, for your own sake.

Your husband seems grumpy for no reason.

Greenberg2 · 07/11/2023 08:35

Find your anger OP. And use it to get out of this relationship.

This man is out of sight a user. He will not change. That's who he is. Anyone loving could not do this to their life partner.

Julimia · 07/11/2023 08:46

Control freak and he's scared of you 'overtaking him' wants you back in your place. Stand up ro him, if you can. Truly I have seen this exact scenario with my daughter , children and her now ex. Take care

1sttimemum1602 · 07/11/2023 08:46

Sounds like a Dad who expects Mum to do everything. He needs to realise that those kids are 50% his responsibility. He seems to be fine with you looking after them on the days you work, should be the same for him. I’d be leaving him for the sake of the kids, they deserve better (not encouraging you to do so, that’s just what I’d be doing in this situation). Lay it out to him, he picks up 50% of the child care (maybe slightly less as you work less days) and starts spending time with his kids instead of all at football and friends every weekend (not stop him, just cut it down to the same amount of times you get to go out and relax or do something for you). If he didn’t agree to that I’d leave him, then the choice is going to be his to make time to spend with his kids and if not, he’ll be hit by higher child support.