Page 12 | Dh hates my job

Easiertogiveup88 · 2023-11-05T10:03:43+00:00

Dh and I have been having some issues for a while but they've got worse in the last year and he's blaming it on my job Background, we have been married 9 years together 18 and have 2 children - 7 and 2. He does shift work and I have an office (WFH 3-4) days a week I changed role this time last year after being unhappy in my job, staying at the same company though. I love me job and the training and development opportunities I have had over the last year have been incredible. However although I WFH most of the week there are times I have to be in the office or work some unsociable hours (think very early starts or late nights) and the majority of the time I can work these around DH's shifts. I have asked him once to book annual leave for something for me which he didn't so I re-arranged my plans, not an issue. I've been given an opportunity for a team day out near Christmas (not a party but a Christmas activity) but it clashes with him being on a night shift so I had arranged for my mum to come and look after the DC overnight (as it would involve an overnight stay) and DH would need to drop the kids off after his shift to school/nursery and drop my mum home (10 mins away) He has point blank refused. Said I've put him in a horrible position and all I think about is work. And that I'm selfish and he wants me to go back to my old role where he knew he wasn't going to be asked to do anything on his working days. He has also complained I work too much as he has been on a late shift this week and I have had my laptop out when he has got home. I have been doing some personal development and e-learning and he wasn't home anyway and it was after the kids were in bed. I should also add he goes to football EVERY Saturday or on days out with the lads most weekends so I pick up the childcare most weekends which is fine and I have never asked him not to go anything. I'm really upset

Orangello · 07/11/2023 09:00

He can't be expected to do anything on his working days? But you are, aren't you?
As pp asked, what does he do with his time then, sit on his backside while you work, take care of kids and wash his socks?

Phoenixfire1988 · 07/11/2023 09:21

He's a selfish lazy wanker I mean how dare you expect him to actually do something home or child related the utter cheek .
What does he actually bring to the table in this relationship because honestly he sounds utterly useless and dead Weight

TenderDandelions · 07/11/2023 09:22

Next time he disagrees with you doing something you have to say "Tell me how this is different from you going out to the pub/playing football every weekend. Tell me why your time is more valuable than mine."

What a dickhead. Sorry OP, but I agree with all the PP saying he's not on your side. He's on his own side and no-one else matters.

MandyFriend · 07/11/2023 09:22

I'm sorry to add my voice to this, but your partner sounds horrible!

SoTiredNeedHoliday · 07/11/2023 09:24

OP the problem is not your job its your husband and his behaviour. Perhaps he's jealous or perhaps in the past you have done too much and always sacrificed your plans, needs etc so he can do everything he'd like.

Put your foot down and make the event happen.

He's being very controlling and limiting your options. Perhaps he's upset about things in general and taking it out on this one event, its seems very strange.

Would he miss a (fun?) work day out?

Roxy69 · 07/11/2023 09:27

I would suggest you nip out early one morning before he has a chance to go to football and see a solicitor for advice. Then when he asks where you have been, tell him and see where that takes you. I'm sorry I don't understand what you get from this relationship. Make a change. 🌹

waitholdup · 07/11/2023 09:29

as (nearly) always here, the issue you are posting about is not the problem, its all the other shit thats leading up to it.

does he have any good points? I cant see any, you'd be better off on your own

user1471556818 · 07/11/2023 09:35

Again sorry its not the job that's the problem but your husband.Dont give up on this job as will give you the freedom to have a think about what you want to happen in your life .

TisTheSeasonToLebkuchen · 07/11/2023 09:47

It sounds to me like he doesn't want you to have a good job that you enjoy, with prospects. He wants to keep you down, where he feels superior, and you aren't in an equal position.

He's an arsehole.

I think you need to think about if you are better off as a single parent, with help form your mum. You would have so much more time on your hands as the full time emotional vampire wouldn't be around.

Umbrellasinthesunshine · 07/11/2023 09:52

Wow he sounds so controlling, using his anger and temper tantrums to get you to conform with what he wants and what suits him. He gets to think of nothing / nobody but himself whilst you take care of everything else. This is not an equal partnership. What are you getting out of this? He sounds like a grouch, bitter resentful and petty.

You are equal earners. Your job is as important as his. He’s expecting a 1950s housewife who also is a nanny, housekeeper, cleaner and cook. What is it that he’s offering here???? You deserve better. You’re clearly someone with a lot of self motivation and a drive to learn and keep bettering yourself. Sounds like you might be outgrowing him.

Bellsbeachwaves · 07/11/2023 09:54

Sounds like a twat tbh. Yanbu at all. Mine wanted it all - wanted me to work, wanted me to cook clean do everything else while he worked and did nothing else. I divorced him. I've got more time than I've ever had and am no longer dealing with his sorry ass. Kids don't get to watch an example of a shit relationship either. I'd be upset too if I were you OP.

SafferUpNorth · 07/11/2023 09:55

As others have said, he's being a jealous, controlling prick who cannot stand the sight of you getting fulfilment from your job and wants you back in your "place".

Ultimatum time. Muster all your strength and inner calm. Sit him down for a reasonable, rational chat. "We both work full time, we earn roughly the same. Marriage is a partnership. It's time for us to re-balance domestic duties so that both of us have a bit of free time too. He is what I suggest...."

If he explodes... well, you have to seriously think about whether this is the sort of life partnership you can continue in. But PLEASE do not give up your career. You are not his domestic slave.

Onethingatatime23 · 07/11/2023 09:58

He needs to get with it or get out. Selfish dickhead.

Allyliz · 07/11/2023 10:02

Sounds like a selfish man...needs to grow up and take a bit more responsibility...if he's not prepared to try to be a little bit flexible why should you..he's your husband not your master. I'd look to the child care option, either with your mother or a child minder...and maybe a taxi home for your mum...Good luck and enjoy your team building day guilt free

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 07/11/2023 10:11

He's being unreasonable and selfish.
You know this yourself, especially with him playing football every Saturday.
Hes telling you he does not want to support you and wants you to have a role that doesn't mean he has to do anything to accommodate you ever.
Don't let him bully you into changing.

Bendysnap · 07/11/2023 10:19

Unfortunately the spending a whole weekend day away either watching footie or with mates and you not saying a word for 7 years is where this has started.

please bear in mind that you have 7 years of him getting away with this shit to unravel, a few heated arguments is not going to change his entrenched world view

Str3bor · 07/11/2023 10:27

I was in the exact same position as you, was in a job I hated, got a better one in a better company which involved stints of putting in extra work which I didn’t mind and lots of training and social opportunities. I loved it, I felt like I had purpose.

my DH worked shifts including nights also and we had 2 young children.

fast forward we are now divorced, he hated me having a career and earning more than him, because he worked shifts he was at home on his own a lot and doing school pick ups, he said the job changed me (maybe it did but I was much happier) and he tried to stop me going to work events etc, asking why I cared as it was just a job. The relationship just deteriorated

FrenchandSaunders · 07/11/2023 10:34

I'd love to know what your mum and friends think of this prize.

Chris002 · 07/11/2023 10:44

I used to work night shifts - it is very tiring. I guess WFH office workers with very flexible employers don't understand this I wouldn't expect them to!
A bit more give and take in both sides and you will work this out. It sounds like Dh is trying to tell you that he would like some attention in the relationship and you are allowing work to dominate your home life. Some Men aren't very good at articulating what they want without getting annoyed.
Is this work trip essential? If it is, then tell him you have to go or you will get the sack and then there would be only one income !
It is a one time event and he will just have to put up with it.
If it isn't essential then explain to your employers that you won't be attending due to child care issues I am sure they would be ok as you say they are very good about childcare generally!
Have you heard the saying there is no I in team ?
Your family is your 'team' and you all have to be team players in order for it to work,
In this situation You are expecting your husband and your mum and your children to fit in with you so you have to weigh up whether it is essential or not.
If it absolutely essential and job depends on it then explain this to your husband.
If it isn't, then don't go !
Also I guess you do the late working when your husband is at work on nights.
Maybe you can have a couple of evenings when he is not working when you can log off early ( you can do it for swimming) and cook dinner and sit down and have a family meal and may be an evening watching TV together or what ever you like to do as a couple when the kids are in bed.

Canthave2manycats · 07/11/2023 10:49

I'm sorry but this man is a dead loss. He doesn't have your back at all. And trust me, he will only get worse as he gets older.

I wouldn't hold out much hope of him changing any time soon either. His type never do. Who the hell does he think he is, that he doesn't take any responsibility on his work days? Stop doing his washing too. I wouldn't even touch my husband's dirty laundry. Tell him to fuck right off, permanently if possible. See how he fares with having the children on his own. You'd be better off, as you wouldn't have to put up with the controlling manchild any more.

Speaking from bitter experience.

Codlingmoths · 07/11/2023 10:51

Chris002 · 07/11/2023 10:44

I used to work night shifts - it is very tiring. I guess WFH office workers with very flexible employers don't understand this I wouldn't expect them to!
A bit more give and take in both sides and you will work this out. It sounds like Dh is trying to tell you that he would like some attention in the relationship and you are allowing work to dominate your home life. Some Men aren't very good at articulating what they want without getting annoyed.
Is this work trip essential? If it is, then tell him you have to go or you will get the sack and then there would be only one income !
It is a one time event and he will just have to put up with it.
If it isn't essential then explain to your employers that you won't be attending due to child care issues I am sure they would be ok as you say they are very good about childcare generally!
Have you heard the saying there is no I in team ?
Your family is your 'team' and you all have to be team players in order for it to work,
In this situation You are expecting your husband and your mum and your children to fit in with you so you have to weigh up whether it is essential or not.
If it absolutely essential and job depends on it then explain this to your husband.
If it isn't, then don't go !
Also I guess you do the late working when your husband is at work on nights.
Maybe you can have a couple of evenings when he is not working when you can log off early ( you can do it for swimming) and cook dinner and sit down and have a family meal and may be an evening watching TV together or what ever you like to do as a couple when the kids are in bed.

Are his family his team? Does he support his partner to get the time off socialising that he takes for himself? Or do you mean the op should sacrifice everything to support him to have his social time and his family time and her to have nothing? You can’t be on a team on your own. Which is where she is right now. He doesn’t want her to have anything for herself. She has listed multiple things he does which are totally unacceptable while she carries the family load, has a better job, and enables his hobby.

I have worked nights. It is tiring. The dads on my team talked about getting up to do the school pick up, cooking family dinner, then heading to work. It is not a get out of jail free card.

LittleMG · 07/11/2023 10:52

My sister has just bought us tickets so see Bruce Springsteen in Dublin next year during the week. I am a SAHM I’ve not even told my husband yet! 😂

Canthave2manycats · 07/11/2023 10:58

Chris002 · 07/11/2023 10:44

I used to work night shifts - it is very tiring. I guess WFH office workers with very flexible employers don't understand this I wouldn't expect them to!
A bit more give and take in both sides and you will work this out. It sounds like Dh is trying to tell you that he would like some attention in the relationship and you are allowing work to dominate your home life. Some Men aren't very good at articulating what they want without getting annoyed.
Is this work trip essential? If it is, then tell him you have to go or you will get the sack and then there would be only one income !
It is a one time event and he will just have to put up with it.
If it isn't essential then explain to your employers that you won't be attending due to child care issues I am sure they would be ok as you say they are very good about childcare generally!
Have you heard the saying there is no I in team ?
Your family is your 'team' and you all have to be team players in order for it to work,
In this situation You are expecting your husband and your mum and your children to fit in with you so you have to weigh up whether it is essential or not.
If it absolutely essential and job depends on it then explain this to your husband.
If it isn't, then don't go !
Also I guess you do the late working when your husband is at work on nights.
Maybe you can have a couple of evenings when he is not working when you can log off early ( you can do it for swimming) and cook dinner and sit down and have a family meal and may be an evening watching TV together or what ever you like to do as a couple when the kids are in bed.

Really???!!!

The only one not a team player here is the POS the OP is married to!!

ClawedButler · 07/11/2023 11:00

I guess some baby-men do be threatened by a successful woman.

Says way more about him than it does about you.

fearfuloffluff · 07/11/2023 11:04

Is he in some kind of macho career, like police or something?

It sounds like he wants to be the hero breadwinner and you take care of the kids and wait adoringly for him in a pinny with a casserole when he gets home.

I think some job roles like police where partners often have to pick up the slack leads to an expectation that the job is all the man has to do.

What does he bring to your life? It sounds like it's all about him and zero about you. You're just a service provider.