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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relative burned through funds and now mooching

660 replies

coldcallerbaiter · 04/11/2023 22:41

AIBU to get involved? I have not said too much to him yet

So my cousin lost his parents in his 20s and got easily a million pounds in those days. He is around 60 now. Never had a job, playboy lifestyle in the Far East, womanising, divorces, no kids. Now he is back in the UK and has nowhere to go. Will not admit he is skint but then hints to live with my elderly mum in her spare room. He is not entitled to benefits as he never lived here and did not pay in or get credits. I do not know if he will even get a state pension later on. I think he should get a job and pay his rent somewhere but I doubt he will as working is beneath him, especially as it would be unskilled stuff, he wants to mooch off her. He has expensive tastes too and is in and out at night probably to bars. My mum is now phoning me worried in case he will not leave, also her quiet life is being disturbed

They are actually close as she was like a mother to him before he left to go abroad and were in touch all the years with visits.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 04/11/2023 22:46

I think she needs to do water on stone and keep asking him about leaving. Then eventually she will probably have to evict him. What a nightmare.

He could probably very easily get some kind of live-in carer type role and I think that's his best bet. What a waste.

PosterBoy · 04/11/2023 22:47

He'll be fine. He can claim benefits if he has moved back permanently and he'll get pension credit instead of pension once he is 67. You might need to intervene to get him to move out though. Are you close with him if your mother stepped in as a mother figure?

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/11/2023 22:58

It makes you wonder why the hell anyone pays national insurance the result is just the same without paying it.

Your poor mum. I think she will need your support in getting him to leave.

Original poster
coldcallerbaiter · 04/11/2023 22:59

@PosterBoy No not close, as a child I was, he was a lot older than me though.

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 04/11/2023 23:01

Yep you need to intervene, and tell him to go. A live in companion or caretaker job is a good idea - anything with accommodation

Original poster
coldcallerbaiter · 04/11/2023 23:06

He says rents are too high for him to afford!! And look at all the space my mum has in her house. My mum says she is not sleeping with the worry. I said come to me mummy but she is worried he will take her house if she stays with me for a while.

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 04/11/2023 23:10

He will get pension credit when he turns state pension age. I have helped people to claim it recently when they've not lived here for years and never paid NI contributions. he should actually also be able to claim Universal credit now if he can pass the habitual residency test and show that he is settled here. he would of course need to look for work for 35 hours a week assuming no medical conditions which prevent him doing so.

Babyroobs · 04/11/2023 23:12

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/11/2023 22:58

It makes you wonder why the hell anyone pays national insurance the result is just the same without paying it.

Your poor mum. I think she will need your support in getting him to leave.

Yes I've helped someone to claim recently. Spent their life bumming around Australia then came back when they reached pension age and were awarded full Pension credit of £200 a week plus all rent and council tax paid. If you are a Uk citizen the government obviously won't leave people homeless or with nothing to live on.

Babyroobs · 04/11/2023 23:14

coldcallerbaiter · 04/11/2023 23:06

He says rents are too high for him to afford!! And look at all the space my mum has in her house. My mum says she is not sleeping with the worry. I said come to me mummy but she is worried he will take her house if she stays with me for a while.

Tell him to go and present himself to the council as homeless. Your mum has no obligation to house him.

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/11/2023 23:14

She shouldn't come to you. As you say, he will think the place is his own then.

It's a horrible situation, and she should've said no to him in the first place, but she's obviously too nice. I think she needs to give him a deadline, like January 1.

Crumpleton · 04/11/2023 23:21

Will not admit he is skint but then hints to live with my elderly mum in her spare room.

So is he living there or still hinting?

If he is and your mum doesn't now want him to be then she herself needs to tell him it's time to move out and give him a definite date.
If he doesn't go maybe it's time you did intervene, in your mum's company so that he knows she means it, and tell him how much his behaviour is impacting on your mum's health and to respect her decision.
Point him in the direction of CAB/Shelter and ask him to leave.

LakieLady · 04/11/2023 23:22

PosterBoy · 04/11/2023 22:47

He'll be fine. He can claim benefits if he has moved back permanently and he'll get pension credit instead of pension once he is 67. You might need to intervene to get him to move out though. Are you close with him if your mother stepped in as a mother figure?

Not necessarily. For most benefits (including UC, which is what he'd have to claim) you have to be "habitually resident" in the UK.

If he's been living abroad for a long time, he's unlikely to be regarded as habitually resident for while, although I don't think there's a period specified.

Original poster
coldcallerbaiter · 04/11/2023 23:23

So how come on another thread there are talks of the homeless in tents? Is this just UK pensioner homeless that are taken care of? Hey wait a min, the person that bummed around Australia got £200 per week pension? so how come my mum only gets way less than full pension?? She was a housewife but volunteered.

OP posts:
ElBandito · 04/11/2023 23:29

I would be straight with him "leave my mum alone" don't be polite, don't beat around the bush. He is out of order.

Original poster
coldcallerbaiter · 04/11/2023 23:29

@Crumpleton he is living there atm, as he just came from abroad, thought he would stay a few weeks and rent a place but now he says he will be there for Xmas so it has been about 5 weeks now.

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 04/11/2023 23:33

coldcallerbaiter · 04/11/2023 23:23

So how come on another thread there are talks of the homeless in tents? Is this just UK pensioner homeless that are taken care of? Hey wait a min, the person that bummed around Australia got £200 per week pension? so how come my mum only gets way less than full pension?? She was a housewife but volunteered.

Your mum may be eligible for pension credit if her state pension is low, it would depend whether she has a partner, private pension, savings etc.

Lysianthus · 04/11/2023 23:35

So a couple of questions. Is your mother capable of saying "this isn't working for me, you need to leave by the end of the week"?
If not, are you able to intervene?
Bottom line, he needs to leave your Mum's house. Now. Unless she's happy with him being there.
If not, off he hops.

Namerequired · 04/11/2023 23:35

You need to tell him no, he’s not staying there. Your mum needs her space. Have yous other family? Is your mum far from you? Move him in with you for a few weeks if you need to, to get him out of your mums and then move him out of yours. Do not let him settle at your mums, that’s awful.

LaurieStrode · 04/11/2023 23:37

This is a case where I'd be tempted to hire three big strong blokes to stand over him until he packs and moves out.

Can't abide an entitled moocher.

WhyDoIBloodyBother · 04/11/2023 23:39

but now he says he will be there for Xmas
Why didn’t she say that he needed to find his own place long before then? 5 weeks already?! No wonder she isn’t sleeping. She needs to tell him straight, no beating around the bush.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/11/2023 23:39

coldcallerbaiter · 04/11/2023 23:29

@Crumpleton he is living there atm, as he just came from abroad, thought he would stay a few weeks and rent a place but now he says he will be there for Xmas so it has been about 5 weeks now.

I think you need to, as @ElBandito said, "be straight with him "leave my mum alone" don't be polite, don't beat around the bush. He is out of order."

He is a 'guest' in your mother's house, and it isn't for him to say when he'll leave. A three way conversation is in order, during which it is made clear to him that living off your mother (I'd probably work the word 'parasite' in there somehow) will not be tolerated and it's best that he acts like an adult and moves out.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/11/2023 23:41

coldcallerbaiter · 04/11/2023 23:06

He says rents are too high for him to afford!! And look at all the space my mum has in her house. My mum says she is not sleeping with the worry. I said come to me mummy but she is worried he will take her house if she stays with me for a while.

WTF? She's "worried he will take her house"? He needs to be gone ASAP!

Original poster
coldcallerbaiter · 04/11/2023 23:43

@Lysianthus She will eventually say it I think. But maybe after Xmas. If she does not, I will.

No she does not want him there long term, he eats a lot, wants wine with dinner, wants laundry done, yaps loudly on the phone all day, has weird night absences, leaves lights on etc

OP posts:
Divebar2021 · 04/11/2023 23:45

Is he even paying any rent ? Is she dealing with his food etc. I don’t know how old your mum is but it doesn’t sound like she wants to be the baddy and could probably do with you stepping up and issuing his marching orders.

Ponoka7 · 04/11/2023 23:49

Of course you need to say something if your Mum can't. Even if he can stay over Christmas, he needs to respect her house and do his share of the housework.