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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relative burned through funds and now mooching

660 replies

coldcallerbaiter · 04/11/2023 22:41

AIBU to get involved? I have not said too much to him yet

So my cousin lost his parents in his 20s and got easily a million pounds in those days. He is around 60 now. Never had a job, playboy lifestyle in the Far East, womanising, divorces, no kids. Now he is back in the UK and has nowhere to go. Will not admit he is skint but then hints to live with my elderly mum in her spare room. He is not entitled to benefits as he never lived here and did not pay in or get credits. I do not know if he will even get a state pension later on. I think he should get a job and pay his rent somewhere but I doubt he will as working is beneath him, especially as it would be unskilled stuff, he wants to mooch off her. He has expensive tastes too and is in and out at night probably to bars. My mum is now phoning me worried in case he will not leave, also her quiet life is being disturbed

They are actually close as she was like a mother to him before he left to go abroad and were in touch all the years with visits.

OP posts:
Original poster
coldcallerbaiter · 04/11/2023 23:55

No he is a guest so not paying any rent, she would not accept it anyway. He has moved all his possessions in too, some furniture etc, he has emigrated. It’s all in her garage.

OP posts:
pontipinemum · 05/11/2023 00:04

He needs to go! He will end up never leaving. Sorry just what I'm like so he's been living off 1m for 40 years about 25k per year. I know that goes a lot further in some places. But he has to have been doing something he can't have been living too much of a high life on that money.

But all that aside he needs to leave your mams house

TheresaBouvey · 05/11/2023 00:10

Yeah he’ll never leave

you and your mum are too nice

TomatoSandwiches · 05/11/2023 00:18

You need to step in and get him gone, he will never leave, the sooner the better, don't leave it to your mum.

Wingedharpy · 05/11/2023 00:21

coldcallerbaiter · 04/11/2023 23:43

@Lysianthus She will eventually say it I think. But maybe after Xmas. If she does not, I will.

No she does not want him there long term, he eats a lot, wants wine with dinner, wants laundry done, yaps loudly on the phone all day, has weird night absences, leaves lights on etc

She needs to tell him now if she wants him out after Christmas otherwise he'll say it's come completely out of the blue and if only he'd known he would have made different plans.

He stands a better chance of getting some employment, with accommodation included (?Hotel work)in the run up to Christmas rather than after.

And, change the locks once he's gone.

How old is your Mum?

SavageTomato · 05/11/2023 00:25

He's a fucking lèech. Get rid.

5foot5 · 05/11/2023 00:26

Christmas is weeks away. Don’t put it off until then. If your Mum really wants him gone then presumably she will be happy for you to step in to help.

Give him a deadline of end of the month at the most. He can put his belongings in storage if necessary. The longer you leave it the harder it will get.

LongDarkTeatime · 05/11/2023 00:45

As @5foot5 said, Christmas is a long way away. He needs to get started on finding new accommodation now. It will take a while. You, and any siblings, need to visit regularly to help your mum make this happen.

We had a relative ‘temporarily’ move in with our mum who never ‘found the right place’ to move out to. Then after years of being waited on hand-and-foot they decided they were an essential carer for our aging mum (rubbish). At least they worked and to be fair were some company. After over a decade of free living they’d ‘saved’ over £100k living off her pension and taking over most of the house.
I wish we’d managed to move them on in the early days. After over a year they were embedded in the largish house and wouldn’t accept anything less. Plus mum felt obliged due to relative’s slight MH issues. But on a weekly basis mum would phone saying she felt she couldn’t cope with them any longer. We’d decide on strategies then she’d back down the next day.

In short, act now.

Fifteenth · 05/11/2023 01:12

coldcallerbaiter · 04/11/2023 23:06

He says rents are too high for him to afford!! And look at all the space my mum has in her house. My mum says she is not sleeping with the worry. I said come to me mummy but she is worried he will take her house if she stays with me for a while.

She is right. She should not move out.

therealcookiemonster · 05/11/2023 01:52

coldcallerbaiter · 04/11/2023 23:43

@Lysianthus She will eventually say it I think. But maybe after Xmas. If she does not, I will.

No she does not want him there long term, he eats a lot, wants wine with dinner, wants laundry done, yaps loudly on the phone all day, has weird night absences, leaves lights on etc

Well firstly he can't stay there without at least contributing to bills and grocery shopping for now. he is basically sponging off her?!

AcrossthePond55 · 05/11/2023 02:14

coldcallerbaiter · 04/11/2023 23:43

@Lysianthus She will eventually say it I think. But maybe after Xmas. If she does not, I will.

No she does not want him there long term, he eats a lot, wants wine with dinner, wants laundry done, yaps loudly on the phone all day, has weird night absences, leaves lights on etc

If she's doing his laundry, buying his food and wine then that shit needs to stop NOW.

I don't think I'd start charging him anything, that might give him some sort of 'tenant' relationship. And I'd be checking on that, too. Is there a point at which he will have lived there long enough for her home to be considered his 'abode?

But from right now I'd tell Mum to nix any wine/booze and start serving skimpy bland meals. If he complains she can tell him that's all she can afford due to the rising cost of living. And if he's putting his dirty clothes in the basket or laundry room to be washed, tell her to pile them on his bed and tell him he'll need to do his own laundry from now on. Make him want to leave.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 05/11/2023 04:06

Agree with everyone else you are both being too passive!! He doesn’t care about how your mum feels so why are you both pandering to him

He’s had 5 weeks already and your mum isn’t sleeping and you want to wait till after Christmas!!! Tell him end of the month and then change the locks if need be

romdowa · 05/11/2023 04:18

If I where you I'd take him to the side and lay it out straight that he needs to find alternative accommodation by the end of the month. That your mother is on a pension and can't afford to keep him.

Vanillazebra · 05/11/2023 04:43

Perhaps she should give him a firm date to leave by, even if it’s after Xmas?

Dorisbonson · 05/11/2023 04:45

I suspect from what you have said that living with your mother has been his back up plan for some time. He will have known that at some point his money would run out and probably banked on living with your mother when this eventually happened. That day has now come.

It is likely that he will see your mothers house not just as a home for him but as a potential inheritance too. You need to get him out of the property asap, he needs to confront the reality of his changed circumstances.

If he had the means to move out he wouldnt have moved in with your mother - he needs to sell his furniture if he has to and move out. The money he is spending on going out at night, is money he could be spending on rent.

Fannyfiggs · 05/11/2023 05:10

Hmmm, does your mum need a new patio? Sounds like no one would miss him...

scoobysnaxx · 05/11/2023 05:10

Omg please do NOT wait until Xmas!
You need to be frank and straight up with him now!
Put the pressure on constantly. Are you looking? Have you found anything? Here's some jobs I've found..

A 60 year old sponging off a pensioner?
Not contributing and having his laundry done and requesting wine with dinner? How utterly embarrassing!

He is seriously taking advantage.

Was clearly his plan.
Sorry if this sounds mean or cynical but I wouldn't be surprised if he's bided his time for the right moment to move in, done it quickly and shifted a lot if stuff in on purpose to make it harder to leave. Not being funny but he might even be waiting for your Mum to pass on so he can try and claim the house crying homelessness. Or maybe even hoping that if your mum feels sorry enough for him she'll put him in her will somewhere..

Sorry he needs to go ASAP!!

Nomnomnom66 · 05/11/2023 05:31

Don't wait, OP. Tell him to leave today. He's an unwanted guest. I would mention going to the police if he doesn't leave. Don't fuck around.

ChubbyMorticia · 05/11/2023 05:39

Your mom needs to find out what establishes tenancy rights where she is. Depending on location, simply living there, getting mail is enough, and would require legal eviction.

Get him the heck out now before he establishes rights, assuming he hasn’t already.

Jk8 · 05/11/2023 05:43

devils advocate here but.... no he cant just 'go out & get a job' with no work experiance or contacts because you dont think its fair he had alot of money & spent it (over nearly 40 years its about £25,000 a year! hardly pissing it up on demand)

& if your mother acted like his mother & has been taking holidays to visit him/inviting him to come visit for litterally decades while he's taken nothing from her & is now too afraid to tell him to leave as it will make her look bad when hes hinting at staying you both sound like thoroughly unpleasent people

also as others have pointed he will qualify for a pension in 6 years & may qualify for housing now so hardly a burden now hes no longer the fun relative with all the storys is he ?!?

Just be honest you don't want to be apart of his life now the cash has dried up & he needs to register with the council

SmokeyToo · 05/11/2023 05:52

@Jk8 You've got some serious issues! Are you the moocher?

Bettyfromlondon · 05/11/2023 05:54

Do you live near enough to pack a bag and go visit for a few days, putting him on the sofa and you in the spare room? You could be a useful irritant in person rather than just helping over the phone. He is going to take real prising to move on and the sooner you start the better! Don't be guilt-tripped about 'family' and 'Christmas'.

Thatcat · 05/11/2023 05:55

This really bugs me. Not just the no job for life, and then legging it back to the UK for benefits, but also the mooching off of old people.

OP, There’s no way this is not going to be messy, with him having moved in his furniture. He’s there for the long haul in his mind. You can bet he has his eye your mothers house after she passes.

Get rid of him. Tell him to go to citizens advice for benefits. Get a date, tell him to be out by that date.

Thatcat · 05/11/2023 05:58

@Jk8 Are you the moocher? 😆
Get a grip.

ObsidianGrape · 05/11/2023 06:02

Does your mum plan to stay in her house forever? Or does she want to downsize eventually? If she does want to downsize, maybe now is a good time? Get a nice 1 bed retirement flat or something? Make you power of attorney so he can't try and get house sale money off her. Then that's a good excuse to get him to move on.

For the short term either of you should tell him that as he's no longer staying as a guest and more like a lodger, he must at least start contributing to her bills and food. In fact he should buy all groceries and pay all bills and do all his own laundry and cleaning too. Your mum should definitely stop acting like a skivey for him.