Relative burned through funds and now mooching

[coldcallerbaiter]

AIBU to get involved? I have not said too much to him yet

So my cousin lost his parents in his 20s and got easily a million pounds in those days. He is around 60 now. Never had a job, playboy lifestyle in the Far East, womanising, divorces, no kids. Now he is back in the UK and has nowhere to go. Will not admit he is skint but then hints to live with my elderly mum in her spare room. He is not entitled to benefits as he never lived here and did not pay in or get credits. I do not know if he will even get a state pension later on. I think he should get a job and pay his rent somewhere but I doubt he will as working is beneath him, especially as it would be unskilled stuff, he wants to mooch off her. He has expensive tastes too and is in and out at night probably to bars. My mum is now phoning me worried in case he will not leave, also her quiet life is being disturbed

They are actually close as she was like a mother to him before he left to go abroad and were in touch all the years with visits.

Have you got some male relations who will go around and ‘persuade’ him out of the door and then change the locks. He will probably manage to get his hands on the poor lady’s bank accounts and then work to get her to transfer the house to her. My parents let relations live in part of their house for free and it cost £50,000 in legal fees to remove them!

You cannot mooch off someone,as mooch means to wander.

I thought so too. I had a mooch around a local market yesterday.

This wastrel is a scrounger. He is scrounging off the OP's mum.

@coldcallerbaiter your mum needs to stop doing his washing and buying his food and wine. I hope she isn't paying for his phone as well.

It makes me absolutely furious.

I used to talk to a Big Issue seller years ago. Made sure I bought from him regularly, hard on his luck, older fella etc. Then I found out bit by bit that he used to be a drug dealer. He'd lived the high life all over the world. Never paid a penny in tax anywhere. But what really stuck in my craw was that he used to go on about immigrants coming over here and getting benefits! Never bought from him again.

OP find your anger with this man. He's not only a lazy fucker, he's also selfish and unkind. Who would expect an older woman to look after them waiting hand and foot? You have to take control of this situation before he does start claiming to be your mother's carer/dependent etc. He'll probably start to say he has physical or mental health issues or that she does; anything to stay in her house.

He's very lucky to have had a safe landing and to live in a country where you don't have to put anything in to get something out. Personally I think anyone who has lived abroad all of their adult lives shouldn't be allowed to return and claim benefits. It's outrageous. But thems the rules and we have to suck it up. What we don't need to do is make it extra comfortable for these people. Get him out of your mother's house and into a bedsit. If he wants something better he'll have to work for it.

He is never going to leave now he’s in. The council won’t care because he’s a single man. The most they’ll do is put him in a hostel somewhere.

Make sure your mum doesn’t sign anything he asks her to. If he wants her to sign anything make sure she gets you to read it first.
my imagination is running wild. He may try to get power of attorney or for her to sign the house over to him.

She definitely needs to stop with buying him wine and doing his laundry.

Have you a few burly relatives or family friends to “help” him on his way?

Honestly op I can’t see this ending well unless you get tough with him and stop pussyfooting around.

Echoing everyone else. Get him out now. Do not delay. I’ve seen relatives like this. I predict it’s going to get nasty.

This is elder abuse.

You need to talk to your mum.

If she wants him out then you can contact the police if necessary to get him out.

He has no right to stay.

Contact AgeUK and see what advice they have.

But if she is just going to complain to you about him, while not prepared to do anything about getting him out, then you need to decide are you prepared to listen to her.

He's a user who could well have an eye on her home and rights to it.

There needs to be a firm date (in fact I'd back it up in writing) but in the meantime your mum needs to make it much less comfortable for him there. No more cooking and laundry, he can look after himself and buy his own bloody wine.

Your mother needs to officially charge her nephew lodgings.
He should apply for any government assistance that is due to him and pay fairly for wear and tear on your mother's home, power etc and for food and extra for the burden he places on her.

She needs to stipulate on paper how long he can stay and keep reminding him and then charging double every month he over stays.
Your mother could suggest that he mows lawns for people, cleans windows and contacts job agencies and apply for work.
Does your mother wish you to be her intermediary in communicating with your cousin? That could be a good idea.

Not sure what happened to my post 🤔

Take some steps yourself @coldcallerbaiter . I would move his stuff out firstly. Find a storage facility and pay for the first month. Can you invite him to stay with you for a bit, just to get him out of your mum's house?

I agree with this.

He needs to be given notice to leave. Two weeks. He needs to put his possessions to in storage or to sell them. You need professional support try AGE UK as PP said

It is elder abuse. He could change the will.

I've also heard it called cuckooing where an able person moves into a vulnerable persons accommodation and takes over. But usually in relation to drugs.

Do not allow your mum to leave the house. I'd move in if I could but this may not be feasible.

Do not allow this to rumble on

There are plenty of over 55s accommodation with council that are cheap

get him to fill out application and get it in with council and get his budding number so you can make sure he bids every week.

make sure he know he can’t stay living with your mum as her health is suffering and that’s not acceptable

Sorry but who do you think sells the big issue? It’s there to help those with criminal records get work. What’s an acceptable big issue seller, skint sex offender with left wing views?

It might help if you let mash know at your local council - https://www.coventry.gov.uk/mash tell them you fear financial abuse as he’s jyst moved himself in and taken over. Coming and going in the night and your mother is frighten but to frightened to say

Op .can you come back and tell us you are getting this man out ....your mum clearly can't ...she needs you to do it now ,not after Christmas,when he will then find another reason not to go .

Give him notice ,help him pack and call the police if he refuses to leave .then changethelocks

You need to tell him to move out. He clearly doesn't want to. You need to make it unpleasant enough that he doesn't want to stay. I'd phone him daily and tell him so.

Your mum needs to stop buying him wine and cleaning his sheets.

A question many ask about non-contributors!

This is definitely a safeguarding issue, your Mum as a vulnerable adult is being taken advantage of financially, she may be being emotionally abused as well, it is impacting her physical and mental health - definitely contact your local safeguarding team.

I haven’t read the full thread but OP, is your mum claiming any benefits that may be affected by him staying with her ? Off the top of my head if she gets single persons council tax reduction or housing benefit, they will almost certainly be affected.

He's very lucky to have had a safe landing and to live in a country where you don't have to put anything in to get something out. Personally I think anyone who has lived abroad all of their adult lives shouldn't be allowed to return and claim benefits. It's outrageous

they can’t

and often this comes as a big shock, they may be able to get pension credit but are not able to just move back to U.K. and get benefits. They often shout about being an immigrant to get everything, but that’s mostly myth as well

Just change the locks, secure the house and then have her stay with you a couple of nights?

Go round with bin bags, chuck his stuff in them, out them by the door and change the locks. He's not her problem.

Your poor mum 😥

I would meet with him (preferrably with other relatives/friends) and explain that the situation is making her ill and she cannot house him. Give him a move out date, preferrably before Christmas.

There are loads of Christmas temp jobs going. He could get something.

If he's genuinely stressed and upset offer to accompany him to CAB.

If he gets arsey tell him you will be involving social services over concerns about elder ebuse.

Good Luck, I hope it all gets sorted out soon.

Too late, tell him a couple of days.