Relative burned through funds and now mooching

[coldcallerbaiter]

AIBU to get involved? I have not said too much to him yet

So my cousin lost his parents in his 20s and got easily a million pounds in those days. He is around 60 now. Never had a job, playboy lifestyle in the Far East, womanising, divorces, no kids. Now he is back in the UK and has nowhere to go. Will not admit he is skint but then hints to live with my elderly mum in her spare room. He is not entitled to benefits as he never lived here and did not pay in or get credits. I do not know if he will even get a state pension later on. I think he should get a job and pay his rent somewhere but I doubt he will as working is beneath him, especially as it would be unskilled stuff, he wants to mooch off her. He has expensive tastes too and is in and out at night probably to bars. My mum is now phoning me worried in case he will not leave, also her quiet life is being disturbed

They are actually close as she was like a mother to him before he left to go abroad and were in touch all the years with visits.

No way this guy will be gone by Christmas! My uncle did similar to my nan (without the million!), and next step will likely be post arriving addressed to him at your mum’s, bank account/credit cards etc. registered there. My uncle ended up pressuring my Nan to leave most of the value of her (small) house to him, and the remainder divided by 5 siblings. Entirely self-interested and deceptive. Always had some ‘big plan’ for success, all nonsense. After she died he disappeared again until he’d wasted most of what she’d left, then emerged asking to stay with various siblings (who luckily said no). Who knows where he is now - probably draining some unsuspecting woman’s bank account! Total vulture. I feel for you if you have the misfortune to know anyone like this, they’re vile.

Can you go over and help your mum have the conversation? Say he’s needs to find somewhere by the 1st Dec. Email him all the places he can look / suggested here. Tell him what the plan is if he can’t find something (storage facility for stuff, shelter).

dont get into arguments about why he should stay - have a straightforward response like ‘mums too polite to say but she really needs her space to enjoy her retirement and doesn’t need someone to look after at her age.’

if he tries to draw you into his problems have the same answer ‘hmm, I’m not an expert, best you speak to the council’

then in the few days before the 1st Dec you / other family members stay at her house to ensure it happens.

don’t suggest 1st Jan as he’ll use Xmas as an excuse as many services closed. Also do you really want him spoiling your mums Xmas? Better to have him as a welcome day guest than as an unwanted lodger.

devils advocate here but.... no he cant just 'go out & get a job' with no work experiance or contacts because you dont think its fair he had alot of money & spent it (over nearly 40 years its about £25,000 a year! hardly pissing it up on demand)

I agree that he’s hardly been living the high life on approx 1 million spread over 35 - 40 years even if he has been living in the Far East.

But he really does need to give the OP’s mum her house and her life back pronto.

You cannot mooch off someone,as mooch means to wander

It has a different meaning in Scotland. If you mooch off someone just like this man is doing you are called a moocher.

Because it's morphed into just another tax. Time it was scrapped and income tax increased to compensate. At least there'd be more honesty and transparency.

Your Mum has told you that "She's worried he will take her house if she comes to stay with you. That's as big a red flag as there is.

Your Mum is being cuckooed. You (ideally with others) urgently need to get over there and check what's happening. Is he accessing her bank accounts? savings? selling her valuables?

The link below is useful and you can involve the police if he won't move out. She's frightened and needs urgent help.

https://www.llradultsafeguarding.co.uk/guidance-for-working-with-adults-at-risk-of-exploitation-cuckooing/

Its more than 25k a year over 40 years, unless he spent it all right away there is all the interest on the money too.

This is probably the most batshit post ever to appear on MN. This has absolutely sod all to do with not wanting to know him now the cash has dried up. It’s everything to do with him wasting his money living the high life for years and expecting family to bail him out when the good times no longer roll.

And a million quid forty years ago was worth a lot more than it is now. If he’d invested it he could have worked as well, and still had a good lifestyle - and he’d have had a comfortable retirement. Instead he spent the lot without a thought for the future and is so entitled he thinks OP’s mum is his meal ticket. How does that make Op and her mum ‘unpleasant people’ ? Give your head a good wobble.

No way this can wait till after Christmas. He sounds very entitled and frankly saying a nightmare guest. I would not stand him longer than a week. I think it’s that generation who feel the obligation to help out regardless even if the person they’re helping out is taking a massive piss. My mother is the same although not to this extent.

Your mum needs to stop cooking for him, providing wine and doing his laundry! I’d also start interrupting the phone calls asking him to be quieter. Of course he doesn’t want to go when she’s subservient to him and waits on him.

You need to step up to protect your mum and stop being such a wet blanket. He has clearly moved in permanently and your mum cannot cope with this or cope with getting him out. She sounds thoroughly intimidated and overwhelmed by the situation.

It’s your role to step up and protect her. You may need police help to get him to leave. They will not directly throw him out but can attend the scene when he is asked to leave to prevent a breach of the peace. You cannot expect your mum to cope with that on her own.

Yes absolutely no way can this go on til Christmas - you need to take action now.

it doesn't ( or shouldn't) work like that. properly invested the sum should have increased and attracted enough interest and dividends to live off while the lump sum and some of the funds are reinvested
. Its not just a case of divide £x by years Y

OP if your mum doesn't feel up to chucking him out i'm afraid it will have to come from you.

however i don't agree with PPs who suggested a live in carers job. no way would i leave my elderly and/ or vulnerable relative with this individual he can barely care for himself

1 million divided by 40 is 25,000 a year.

1 million divided by 35 as we don’t know how old he was when he got the money is approx 28,000 a year.

And I doubt he have received much interest.

Even by Far East standards he hasn’t burned through the money.

Your mother needs to stop being so accommodating.
You or her need to tell him to go. Tell him he has until a particular date then if he's not gone his stuff will be packed up, the locks changed and his possessions will be by the front door. He is taking the piss.

Try to get your mother to intercept post in his name, 'unknown at this address ' and out it back in a post box otherwise he may be able to claim he's permanently resident with her.

I agree with this. OP you really need to help your mother here, the reason she has told you about this is likely a cry for help. She is an old lady who is probably feeling overwhelmed and needs you to support her in getting rid of him. Don't wait until after Christmas, get rid of him now.

A million quid forty years ago - plus the interest it would attract ? Don’t make me laugh. Most people would have invested it for an income and worked. He spent the lot without a thought for his retirement. The average annual salary in 1983 was £8000. It hadn’t risen to anywhere near £25,000 until 2013.

it doesn't ( or shouldn't) work like that. properly invested the sum should have increased and attracted enough interest and dividends to live off while the lump sum and some of the funds are reinvested
. Its not just a case of divide £x by years Y

You’re assuming he has common sense or even bought a property.

I doubt he has either.

I know a family who moved here a few months back and stayed with family whilst looking for their own place to rent. Good enough income etc but still found it hard to get something just because of the market. This is with them really trying, didn't want to be living on top of their relatives and wanted to register their kids in schools once addresses found.

A bit extreme but was your mum planning on moving closer to you/ downsizing/ moving into a retirement property at some stage? If so would she consider bringing it forward? Even if he goes now he could be back when he doesn't like it! He's got it good there, where else can he live free while getting his laundry done meals cooked, cleaning etc. there's not going to be any desire to leave.

This, as others have said, is a safeguarding issue. He is cuckooing and never plans to leave. You need to get advice from Age Uk, contact her local council's safeguarding team, and go round there (preferably with back up) to help her tell him to leave within the week.

Your mum will probably dither and worry about where he'll go, but he HAS to go. This is already messing with her mental health.

How far away are you? Do you have a friend or other relative who would come with you and be the non-involved one who'll be tougher and tell it like it is.
"Mrs X is very distressed about this. You have to leave by x date or the safeguarding team will be involved and the police called"

As yes, then change the cylinders of the locks when he's gone.

What a revolting leech. Your mum really mustn't let him stay til Christmas. He needs to leave. How though?

If he’d invested it for an income and actually worked for a living he would have had funds for his retirement and wouldn’t have to sponge off family. It’s called planning for the future. Why are so many posters dividing £1m by 40 years as a way to justify his actions? If he inherited in 1983 £25,000 a year was three times the average salary. Average earnings didn’t catch up with him until around 2013. He didn’t do too badly for 30 years.

He is a lazy entitled bum. He will never leave and like a cuckoo is looking for a new home after turfing out the legal owner.
How fucking dare he.
Tell him your mother's health is being compromised and he's to go by next Friday.
You will there in person next Friday to ensure he goes. Don't care where .
book him into a cheap bnb or hotel for a week at your own expense fucking miles away and dump the lazy arse.

Don't wait until after Christmas to sort out this freeloader!
A clear conversation is needed now...............he has taken advantage of your mother's goodwill and things need to change. Your mother is unhappy and uncomfortable in her own home and can't afford to finance his lifestyle.
Put a stop to the wine and the laundry straight away.
Your mother will not find it easy to be "inhospitable to a guest" in her eyes but he is preying on that to manipulate her into getting his own way.

Even for a leech, probably a bit late now to do anything about Xmas (although even that is still 7 weeks away!).
Could mum say "my friend Mary is coming for a long stay on 3 Jan. so I'll need that room back?"
Or it may be up to you to say "Mum doesn't want to say it but...time to sling your hook".