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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relative burned through funds and now mooching

660 replies

coldcallerbaiter · 04/11/2023 22:41

AIBU to get involved? I have not said too much to him yet

So my cousin lost his parents in his 20s and got easily a million pounds in those days. He is around 60 now. Never had a job, playboy lifestyle in the Far East, womanising, divorces, no kids. Now he is back in the UK and has nowhere to go. Will not admit he is skint but then hints to live with my elderly mum in her spare room. He is not entitled to benefits as he never lived here and did not pay in or get credits. I do not know if he will even get a state pension later on. I think he should get a job and pay his rent somewhere but I doubt he will as working is beneath him, especially as it would be unskilled stuff, he wants to mooch off her. He has expensive tastes too and is in and out at night probably to bars. My mum is now phoning me worried in case he will not leave, also her quiet life is being disturbed

They are actually close as she was like a mother to him before he left to go abroad and were in touch all the years with visits.

OP posts:
CambridgeLass · 05/11/2023 08:32

Get the police and Social Services involved. What he is doing is known as ‘cuckooing’ and financial abuse and is illegal.

billy1966 · 05/11/2023 08:33

The longer he stays the more difficult it will be.

After Christmas, in January, in the bad weather, will just be very difficult to get him out.

He needs to be gotten out now.

Him keeping weird hours, late at night, will destroy her sleep.

Lack of sleep will make her more confused and anxious.

This could be deliberate on his part.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 05/11/2023 08:35

Agree with most posters OP, you need to get him out as a matter of urgency. This is abuse and will only get worse. The longer he stays, the harder it will be to move him. And as has been mentioned upthread somewhere any benefits your mum gets will be affected by him living there.

NigellaAwesome · 05/11/2023 08:38

I agree with all other pps. He has his eye on your DM's house and inheritance.

She is in a very vulnerable position and you need to take action urgently. Definitely no to agreeing he can stay until Xmas. I would suggest 2 weeks notice to leave at the very most, with the threat that you will phone the police if he doesn't go. Don't try to be nice about it - your Mum needs you to step in very firmly.

I would also consider speaking to a solicitor in terms of setting up a power of attorney for your Mum, but IANAL so someone else might be able to advise.

I would be dropping absolutely everything and going to stay with your Mum asap. Does she have room for you to stay at the same time as him?

Also, speak to social services as other posters have advised in relation to elder abuse.

Zebedee55 · 05/11/2023 08:42

As he's 60'ish the local council may well help him out with a sheltered flat. They will also help him to claim help with living, rent etc.

He needs to go down to their homeless department.

ColleenDonaghy · 05/11/2023 08:43

ForfarBridie · 05/11/2023 08:17

1 million divided by 40 is 25,000 a year.

1 million divided by 35 as we don’t know how old he was when he got the money is approx 28,000 a year.

And I doubt he have received much interest.

Even by Far East standards he hasn’t burned through the money.

Show quote history

2.5pc interest would have given him £25k per annum and still leave him with a million in the bank, untouched. And it wouldn't have been hard to achieve much more than 2.5pc.

There was never any need for him to end up penniless - either live reasonably frugally off the interest or work an easy job and supplement with the interest to give a higher standard of living.

ThePoshUns · 05/11/2023 08:44

NigellaAwesome · 05/11/2023 08:38

I agree with all other pps. He has his eye on your DM's house and inheritance.

She is in a very vulnerable position and you need to take action urgently. Definitely no to agreeing he can stay until Xmas. I would suggest 2 weeks notice to leave at the very most, with the threat that you will phone the police if he doesn't go. Don't try to be nice about it - your Mum needs you to step in very firmly.

I would also consider speaking to a solicitor in terms of setting up a power of attorney for your Mum, but IANAL so someone else might be able to advise.

I would be dropping absolutely everything and going to stay with your Mum asap. Does she have room for you to stay at the same time as him?

Also, speak to social services as other posters have advised in relation to elder abuse.

This is good advice get mum to sign POA to you now whilst she still has capacity before he gets his claws into her.
You and any siblings really need to get on the ball with this before it escalates.

DoubleTime · 05/11/2023 08:46

Even an interest rate of 1% @ForfarBridie would have generated thousands over the years. And as others have pointed out, one million was worth much more when he received it. Spending 25k a year in the 1990's would have been like spending over 50k a year now.

Teateaandmoretea · 05/11/2023 08:47

ForfarBridie · 05/11/2023 08:07

devils advocate here but.... no he cant just 'go out & get a job' with no work experiance or contacts because you dont think its fair he had alot of money & spent it (over nearly 40 years its about £25,000 a year! hardly pissing it up on demand)

I agree that he’s hardly been living the high life on approx 1 million spread over 35 - 40 years even if he has been living in the Far East.

But he really does need to give the OP’s mum her house and her life back pronto.

The point is that the lazy entitled idiot has never bothered to work. So yes he has completely been pissing it up the wall.

He needs getting out OP. What a nightmare.

DoubleTime · 05/11/2023 08:48

OP I do think you need to get involved and tell him that your mother is too old to be sharing her house with someone who is coming back in late from bars and she needs a quiet life. You can offer to help him approach the local council for help to get housing.

Teateaandmoretea · 05/11/2023 08:51

DoubleTime · 05/11/2023 08:46

Even an interest rate of 1% @ForfarBridie would have generated thousands over the years. And as others have pointed out, one million was worth much more when he received it. Spending 25k a year in the 1990's would have been like spending over 50k a year now.

But spending 25k a year is eroding the value of the lump sum so you could never have drawn that much. £1m was never enough to live on forever in the 90s, but he is clearly a short termist who just lives for the moment. Anyone sensible would have used it for security, bought a lovely house and looked forward to early retirement.

StrongTea · 05/11/2023 08:51

What about council tax? Is he registered as staying there? Your poor mum.

LuluBlakey1 · 05/11/2023 08:54

It isn't difficult. It just needs to be said very clearly asap and reinforced with no discussion. It might be best if you were with your mum for support. Now, not after Christmas- which means after New Year and 9 or 10 weeks away. It needs to happen now.
'I want to be clear with you Tom. You can't continue to stay here. I simply do not want to live with anyone. I'd like you to leave by the end of the week and remove your things from the garage please.'
When he bullies her, which he will, with 'But you have space', 'Where do you expect me to go?' the answer is ' You need to sort that out. I am telling you to leave my house. I don't want to fall out with you but this is my home and I am very unhappy with you being here.'
Could you stay with your mum for the week until he moves out?

DoubleTime · 05/11/2023 08:57

It would have lasted me a lifetime @Teateaandmoretea. I earned 10k a year in 1991, and bought my first flat for just under 30k.

Yes, the lump sum reduces by 25k a year by your reckoning, which means that for 20 years, he had at least 500,000 in the bank gaining interest.

Teateaandmoretea · 05/11/2023 09:00

DoubleTime · 05/11/2023 08:57

It would have lasted me a lifetime @Teateaandmoretea. I earned 10k a year in 1991, and bought my first flat for just under 30k.

Yes, the lump sum reduces by 25k a year by your reckoning, which means that for 20 years, he had at least 500,000 in the bank gaining interest.

If you’d maintained the same spending and chosen to. The vast majority of people given the choice would choose a higher standard of living though, I certainly would.

It wouldn’t decline by 25k due to interest/ investment returns but taking that much out would certainly have reduced the value of the capital - as a million is worth less now than 25 years ago.

DoubleTime · 05/11/2023 09:02

Even if I had @Teateaandmoretea, it would definitely have lasted me a lifetime. One million was worth more than twice as much, then.

rainingsnoring · 05/11/2023 09:07

Yes, absolutely you should step in.
Your mum is in a vulnerable position and he is clearly taking advantage.
You both need to ask him to leave. I would also be thinking along the lines of financial abuse and wold consider contacting SS if he is difficult about leaving.
He has made his choices and now he needs to deal with them.

Backtomyoldname · 05/11/2023 09:07

ObsidianGrape · 05/11/2023 06:02

Does your mum plan to stay in her house forever? Or does she want to downsize eventually? If she does want to downsize, maybe now is a good time? Get a nice 1 bed retirement flat or something? Make you power of attorney so he can't try and get house sale money off her. Then that's a good excuse to get him to move on.

For the short term either of you should tell him that as he's no longer staying as a guest and more like a lodger, he must at least start contributing to her bills and food. In fact he should buy all groceries and pay all bills and do all his own laundry and cleaning too. Your mum should definitely stop acting like a skivey for him.

This.

Start sowing the seeds of her needing to downsize.

IncompleteSenten · 05/11/2023 09:08

He's not planning on going anywhere.
You need to help your mum get him out before he tries to gain control of her house.

Forgive me but how old is your mum? Has he come now to get his feet under the table so he can claim a right to live in the house after she passes?

He's moved all his stuff in. He's not going to go unless you physically make him and the longer you leave it, the harder it will be.

Be blunt. Tell him you know what he's trying to do and you absolutely will not allow it.

AnonyLonnymouse · 05/11/2023 09:09

Yes, you need to act fast to prevent him from becoming habitually resident there.

I wonder what he is doing when he goes out at night? I suspect it’s dating, trying to find a new girlfriend with whom he can live.

The problem is that most of the accommodation-provided roles traditionally done by male ‘drifters’, such as working on farms, ships or oil rigs, need men who are relatively young and fit.

DisforDarkChocolate · 05/11/2023 09:10

This is awful and I think you have to intervene. He's planning to move in, wait till she does and keep the house.

If you don't do something the rest of her life will be constant stress.

peppermintcrisp · 05/11/2023 09:10

Too late now but I would have paid a couple of weeks rent on a holiday house or something as a good will gesture and left him to it. You had the perfect excuse for him not staying at hers as she is too old. My MIL never has anyone to stay and makes it clear. You have all been too soft.

PonyPatter44 · 05/11/2023 09:13

devils advocate here but.... no he cant just 'go out & get a job' with no work experiance or contacts because you dont think its fair

What utter bollocks. Jobs have NEVER been easier to come by. He could walk into a retail or admin job at the drop of a hat. People who flee from wars or poverty, and arrive in this country with nothing, manage to find jobs, so this lazy scrounger can certainly find one.

user1471556818 · 05/11/2023 09:15

Actually I think you and your mum need to sit him down now and say its time for you to move out
Give him a week but stick to it .He needs to go and sort out cash house etc. Really important that your mum sticks to this and the pressure is going to be intense on her . I would move in with her near the exit time tbh .Otherwise she is going to be his servant and paying for him till she has nothing left

SoShallINever · 05/11/2023 09:16

PermanentTemporary · 04/11/2023 22:46

I think she needs to do water on stone and keep asking him about leaving. Then eventually she will probably have to evict him. What a nightmare.

He could probably very easily get some kind of live-in carer type role and I think that's his best bet. What a waste.

OMG, what makes you think this lay about, lazy, "womaniser", who has never had a job, let alone any experience in care, would be qualified for a post as a live in carer?
You have a very low opinion of carers don't you?