To be so frustrated with shy child?

[LolleePopp]

What do you do with shy 12 year old boys???
My 12 year old DS is sooooo shy with other kids.
He says he's desperate to make friends at his new secondary school.
But he's too shy to engage with anybody.
So he's not making any friends.
He really, really wants to be friends with people. He's not a loner who prefers his own company. He's a loner who looks at everyone around him and wants to make friends but doesn't know how to.
He started secondary school in September saying he was really looking forward to starting a new school and making new friends.
8 weeks in, he's made no friends at all.
There's 1 boy who he'd like to make friends with. So I've encouraged him to invite this boy to meet up outside of school. I helped him come up with ideas to suggest. I texted the boy's mum to try and help organise something. She said her DS would be up for meeting but that she is trying to encourage her DS to be independent so she said could they sort it out between them rather than us mums organising it. I explained this to DS and encouraged him to invite this boy to meet up. But he just will not invite him, even though he wants to meet up with him. After a few weeks of me trying hard to encourage him, last night he said "I'm not going to invite him out mum, I'm just too shy to ask him".
So that's that then.
Another new boy from new school invited him out for a bike ride with him and 3 others. My DS went, and came home 3 hours later full of smiles saying he'd had a great time. But since then, the mum of one of the boys has told me that the other kids all said my DS was really quiet and didn't talk at all or engage with the rest of the kids who were all chatting and joking whilst on their bikes. She said the other kids said my DS was too quiet. Yet my DS thought he had a brilliant time with them and asked them to let him know when theyre going again as hed like to join in, but meanwhile this other mum said the other kids probably won't invite him out next time because my DS was so quiet they thought he wasn't having fun with them. When in fact he told me he had really good fun, so I relayed this to the mum, but she said "Well they've met up a few times since then but didn't invite your DS because he was so quiet". DS has seen them out cycling round together without him and looked crestfallen.
There's another boy he likes, so I've texted that mum and she told me she leaves her DS to arrange his own social life now he's started secondary. So I've told my DS this and encouraged him to invite this boy over to ours or to meet up, but again, my DS won't invite him.
He's been going to an out of school club for 1 year and hasn't made a single friend there.
He hates competitive sports, so he will not join any football or rugby groups (much to my DH's frustration - DH is not sports mad but he insists a team sport would be good for DS's confidence, but DS refuses). He tried cricket but dropped out after 2 months. I've suggested judo at my DH's suggestion - flat no, he absolutely hated the look of it when I showed him kids of his age doing judo on YouTube.
In primary, he had 5 friends but the dynamics between them in year 6 were awful, constant fall outs and unpleasant behaviour on a non stop basis, a lot of horrible behaviour aimed at him (as well as at each other) so they've all fallen by the wayside now.
DS is a brilliant person. He talks loads at home, really makes us all laugh, has amazing insight into things (insight that is superior to his age), understands people really well, has very high levels of emotional intelligence - there are so many situations on this level that he just 'gets' and can talk eloquently about things on an emotional level that other mums tell me their kids of same age can't do or don't get at all, he has lots of interests (but none them transfer in to clubs). He gets on brilliantly with his sister, who is not shy at all.
It's really weird - when he was a little boy he wasn't shy at all. He ran around with a big bright happy open expression on his face, he was born with a "Hello world!" temperament. Then around the age of 10, shyness kicked in, and 2 years later it's much worse. He's getting more shy as he gets older.
I can see that this comes across really badly to other kids.
We were out at an event the other evening, and throughout the event, several boys in his school year that know him smiled and said Hi to him on individual occasions (not a group of boys, but 1 boy, then 10 mins later another boy, etc.) and DS didn't smile back at any of them. He did reply to each of them with a hello, but he came across as so stand offish. I talked to him the next day about how he came across to them, but he just said "I'm so shy mum, I freeze and clam up when they speak to me, I hate it but I don't know what to do because I can't help it".
I've encouraged him to join clubs at school but he won't because he doesn't know anyone. Obviously I've explained that no-one knows anyone at first, but you go and then you get to know people. But he will not go.
I'm at the point where I despair.
I can see him spending 5 years at school not making any friends.
If he didn't care about friends and was happy in his own little world then I'd think fine, that's just how he is. But he tells me he really, really wants to make friends.
I've talked to his school about it and asked for their support, and they said he needs to join school clubs. That was their only solution and 3 different staff members have all said the same thing. But he won't go to these clubs.
So what do I do?!?

Op i have an autistic child and it is quite common for children to struggle a lot more socially when they reach secondary...even if they were not so noticeably neurodiverse when younger

As Social rules become more complex the neurodiverse child may withdraw or be more clearly different to their peers

I totally understand wanting to sheild an anxious child from bullying. The best way is to help them navigate the world of phones in a practical sense

Get a phone. Make sure you check it every evening. Just keep encouraging your son gently he will find his tribe. I would also think are you possibly neurodiverse or any other close relatives?

You need to stop expecting this to get fixed by itself.

You kid needs a child psychologist to work through what is probably low self esteem and insecurity due to the bullying and toxic friendships you mentioned.

Especially if your kid is smart and had good insights this problem will not be resolved by giving him a book or force him to join clubs. Smart people are in their own head too much.

I was the same as your son. I could watch people all night and not say a word and have a great time. But I now am a very social butterfly. Though I might come off as abrasive online, in person I am great to talk to and most people like me from the start.

It was all due to wanting to get to know other people by observing and not have enough self confidence to think strangers would appreciate my words or thoughts.

Just get him some professional help it will get sorted soon enough.

It was quite shit of the mother to tell you that the boys won't invite your DS again because he's too quiet but blimey, this boy needs a phone!!!! That's how they all communicate these days!!!
You can absolutely monitor it for nasty messages at his age but surely, he'd find it easier to meet up or whatever, if he can type a message instead of having to ask face to face at school?
My children don't like communicating directly with people (possibly ND but nothing diagnosed) and when I suggest they ring someone instead of constant texts, they look at me as if I'm mad!!!
Please try and get him a phone.

Speaking as a once very shy child and now a shy and quiet adult, I would to leave him be for while. I agree with others regarding the phone, maybe gaming if he's into that and yes, definitely a drama group if he would try that. My own daughter was very shy and timid, but surprised herself and us when she took to acting ( plus singing and dancing) like fish to water.
If you think your boy is unhappy, then obviously you have to do something. But otherwise, don't pressure him.
I'm sure my own mum worried about what my life would be like when I grew up, but I have had a successful career, have a loving partner and children and a few close friends. There is nothing wrong with being quiet and shy.

DS had a period where he suffered from social anxiety and it got so crippling I home-schooled him for a year.

But the real help was CAMHS, he did a course with them which really helped him to overcome his fears. I know they have a huge waiting list, but maybe a self-referral could be started?

He is now the social butterfly of his group 😁, so it can definitely be overcome. But not by phones, so don't feel bad him not having one.

Defo get him a phone though and let him start online gaming or something. Much easier for shy kids to make friends this way. It’s not ideal but they must get terribly left out without them. Mums don’t organise things at this age. It’s all done through each other on phones.
Then he could text someone saying something like “Hi Jack, I have a spare ticket to flip out tomorrow if you want to come? My sister can’t go now” Breezy text. Bit of a white lie but will help him feel less desperate!

There is everything wrong with being shy. It is having an extremely negative impact on his life, crippling his social life, making him unable to approach other people or chat naturally even when he is actually enjoying himself, so that other people think he’s bored and aloof and don’t invite him again.

‘Shy’ isn’t some neutral characteristic like brown eyes.

Even a child that isn't shy to the point of not speaking would be socially isolated without a phone at secondary. He needs a phone.

Shy most definitely is a natural characteristic and I maintain there is nothing wrong with it, apart from other people's prejudices about it. I also recommend Susan Cain's book "Quiet".

I would refer him to my local mental health support team. His school might even be an MHST school? It sounds a lot like social anxiety, and it might be helpful for him to have CBT for it. Poor kid it sounds like he wants this to be different but is really struggling!

I think an old phone with a very basic sim package would be fine. My ds was only allowed to use the WiFi at home with his at first anyway.

As others have said drama groups, cadets or scouts might really help him. Don't let your anxiety rub off he is more resilient than you think. I went through a very anxious phase as a teenager after being badly bullied to the point of not going into a shop without my Mum. Right now he just needs you to do stuff with him until he's built up some more confidence.

Bit left field but does he like animals? If so would he try horse riding? My nephew is selectively mute most of the time due to social anxiety, I can't remember the last time he spoke to any of us but since I've been taking him to visit my shared horse and teaching him to ride, he has become so much more confident and I've even heard him speak a few times.

The horse is shared via the riding school so being a school horse he's quite verbal, will lift his feet on asking or respond to verbal cues. I've caught DN asking him to do things occasionally and being delighted when he responded.

It's generally quite a therapeutic activity and he will bond with the horses even if not the other kids.

If you're worried about the phone have a look at Google family link, it's free and there are all sorts of limits you can set on your kid's phone.

Friend’s DS is very shy and he’s made friends through Dungeons and Dragons - is this something your DS might be interested in? Or other games, where you have the game as an ice breaker and don’t have to make too much conversation.

But definitely get him a phone, and help him to text the cycling boys to ask if he can join them again.

@LolleePopp To encourage your son to go to clubs and activities, stop trying to sell them to him as a way to make friends. He might not make friends, and anyway it'll just put pressure on him.

Instead, focus on things he may be interested in, activities that are fun in their own right rather than just a way to meet people. Encourage his interests, talents and hobbies rather than joining his worrying about his dearth of friends.

Explain to him that it's easy to interact with people when you're all doing an activity, because you're all focused on that. It makes the conversation easier, and stops the awkwardness of casual interactions. It takes the pressure off of socialising by taking the focus onto the actual activity.

Hopefully this will encourage him to want to attend clubs, there's a reason he's not going.

He sounds like he has an anxiety disorder - panic disorder, generalised anxiety disorder, or social anxiety, or a combination of these. It is worth trying to get this diagnosed and treated, there are anti-anxiety medications available that might help stop him from clamming up. (I used to have panic disorder, it's horrible. What helped me is 1. understanding the overwhelming physiological effects, because it really feels like you're dying/doomed - like the heart rate going up, the adrenaline release, the breathing changes etc). and 2. knowing that no matter what it feels like, panic attacks always, always end.)

Finally, get him a phone. It doesn't have a to be a new or expensive one. Stop trying to arrange his social life. This, and a lack of phone, will make him look babyish and make him a target for bullying.

Learning how to ignore text/cyber bullying is a part of life, he's just got to block people and not respond if it happens.

Get him a phone, advise him to start staying hi to people, and take a step back. See if things improve before you go down the therapy route - I suspect they might.

The mums who gently advised you to stop trying to arrange play dates were correct.

Also sounds like your parenting a bit like my mum who was also “frustrated” I was shy. I didn’t need disapproval, I needed a good pep talk, no judgement and for her to talk to me about her own vulnerabilities and how she over came them.

It sounds like he's had a traumatic experience - the bullying - and is experiencing mental heath struggles e.g. anxiety as a result. Are you able to look into counselling for him?

I think you sound like a great Mum to me and very caring.However young boys will need to sort things out themselves sometimes! Maybe think about a mobile for him say for Christmas .All he needs is one or two lads he has something in common with .Scouts ,maybe or something like that? Any Church type youth groups or similar . I am sure he will find his tribe soon .Dont stress or you will worry him . Let him go a his own pace

Def needs a phone but to prevent problems with it he needs to make arrangements using it them give it back to you. You can then monitor /delete /block if and as any unpleasant messages come through. Also, he needs to take it out with him. I think your ds needs counselling, poor lad. Pp's suggesting dropping him at the cinema with another child mean well but if he refuses to go or won't acknowledge them if he does go, what's the point? You need to begin from a much lower starting point than that.

I appreciate the other parents want their kids to sort their own social lives out but…could you maybe message two of the mums you know to see if their boys fancy a morning out at a trampoline park or something and then out to lunch? Then it’s not just meeting down the local park but something they’d need their parents permission for anyway. If the parents say yes then you can tell your son and it’s been organised. It’s a way in?

I understand your concerns. But I would really try and get him a phone. Even if its an old phone, pay as you go. The most basic you can get. So he can at least text them. High schoolers won't respond well to mums arranging socialising. You are really not helping him by trying to do it for him.
Mine have phones, they are heavily monitored by me. They don't have tik tok or all the socials. Just the basics so that they can communicate.

Have you tried putting him in drama classes? they helped me overcome horrific shyness as a teen. I learnt to “perform” and script conversations before it became second nature. I owe my confidence and my outward appearance of a naturally approachable and bubbly extrovert (even though I’m naturally introverted and micro analyse most of my social interactions) to those acting classes as a teenager.

the lack of mobile phone is excluding him from being invited and I imagine will make him seem as different to his peers. All socials via kids in secondary are done on phone between themselves...you can monitor and restrict what he sees, he doesn't have to have WhatsApp for example but not being able to send or receive messages will have been holding him back for sure....

I was going to suggest drama too, if there are any clubs at your school? DD does LAMDA lessons at school and it has vastly increased her confidence.

She is also a bit of a loner, she isn't into fashion boys and makeup, so most of the girls just don't want to know her.

I do think that they need a semi decent smart phone now when they start secondary. Years ago I said that I wouldn't allow my child to have a mobile until they were 14/15, but in reality the world moved on and when she went to a Brownie sleepover at an aquarium in Year 6, she was the only girl without a smart phone and I felt awful when I realised.

DD's first phone was my old iphone 6, but since then I have bought various second hand phones from The iOutlet online. (Other places do them too). They are refurbished and you could get say an iphone 7 for under £100 and you can buy a new battery with most of them for about £15 extra. (Just check about updates etc so you dont buy something that wont do updates).

You can get SIM only deals now from Smarty, GiffGaff for £5 a month. I have a SIM only contract for DD with Vodafone at £11 a month but she started out with one of the above.