To be so frustrated with shy child?

[LolleePopp]

What do you do with shy 12 year old boys???
My 12 year old DS is sooooo shy with other kids.
He says he's desperate to make friends at his new secondary school.
But he's too shy to engage with anybody.
So he's not making any friends.
He really, really wants to be friends with people. He's not a loner who prefers his own company. He's a loner who looks at everyone around him and wants to make friends but doesn't know how to.
He started secondary school in September saying he was really looking forward to starting a new school and making new friends.
8 weeks in, he's made no friends at all.
There's 1 boy who he'd like to make friends with. So I've encouraged him to invite this boy to meet up outside of school. I helped him come up with ideas to suggest. I texted the boy's mum to try and help organise something. She said her DS would be up for meeting but that she is trying to encourage her DS to be independent so she said could they sort it out between them rather than us mums organising it. I explained this to DS and encouraged him to invite this boy to meet up. But he just will not invite him, even though he wants to meet up with him. After a few weeks of me trying hard to encourage him, last night he said "I'm not going to invite him out mum, I'm just too shy to ask him".
So that's that then.
Another new boy from new school invited him out for a bike ride with him and 3 others. My DS went, and came home 3 hours later full of smiles saying he'd had a great time. But since then, the mum of one of the boys has told me that the other kids all said my DS was really quiet and didn't talk at all or engage with the rest of the kids who were all chatting and joking whilst on their bikes. She said the other kids said my DS was too quiet. Yet my DS thought he had a brilliant time with them and asked them to let him know when theyre going again as hed like to join in, but meanwhile this other mum said the other kids probably won't invite him out next time because my DS was so quiet they thought he wasn't having fun with them. When in fact he told me he had really good fun, so I relayed this to the mum, but she said "Well they've met up a few times since then but didn't invite your DS because he was so quiet". DS has seen them out cycling round together without him and looked crestfallen.
There's another boy he likes, so I've texted that mum and she told me she leaves her DS to arrange his own social life now he's started secondary. So I've told my DS this and encouraged him to invite this boy over to ours or to meet up, but again, my DS won't invite him.
He's been going to an out of school club for 1 year and hasn't made a single friend there.
He hates competitive sports, so he will not join any football or rugby groups (much to my DH's frustration - DH is not sports mad but he insists a team sport would be good for DS's confidence, but DS refuses). He tried cricket but dropped out after 2 months. I've suggested judo at my DH's suggestion - flat no, he absolutely hated the look of it when I showed him kids of his age doing judo on YouTube.
In primary, he had 5 friends but the dynamics between them in year 6 were awful, constant fall outs and unpleasant behaviour on a non stop basis, a lot of horrible behaviour aimed at him (as well as at each other) so they've all fallen by the wayside now.
DS is a brilliant person. He talks loads at home, really makes us all laugh, has amazing insight into things (insight that is superior to his age), understands people really well, has very high levels of emotional intelligence - there are so many situations on this level that he just 'gets' and can talk eloquently about things on an emotional level that other mums tell me their kids of same age can't do or don't get at all, he has lots of interests (but none them transfer in to clubs). He gets on brilliantly with his sister, who is not shy at all.
It's really weird - when he was a little boy he wasn't shy at all. He ran around with a big bright happy open expression on his face, he was born with a "Hello world!" temperament. Then around the age of 10, shyness kicked in, and 2 years later it's much worse. He's getting more shy as he gets older.
I can see that this comes across really badly to other kids.
We were out at an event the other evening, and throughout the event, several boys in his school year that know him smiled and said Hi to him on individual occasions (not a group of boys, but 1 boy, then 10 mins later another boy, etc.) and DS didn't smile back at any of them. He did reply to each of them with a hello, but he came across as so stand offish. I talked to him the next day about how he came across to them, but he just said "I'm so shy mum, I freeze and clam up when they speak to me, I hate it but I don't know what to do because I can't help it".
I've encouraged him to join clubs at school but he won't because he doesn't know anyone. Obviously I've explained that no-one knows anyone at first, but you go and then you get to know people. But he will not go.
I'm at the point where I despair.
I can see him spending 5 years at school not making any friends.
If he didn't care about friends and was happy in his own little world then I'd think fine, that's just how he is. But he tells me he really, really wants to make friends.
I've talked to his school about it and asked for their support, and they said he needs to join school clubs. That was their only solution and 3 different staff members have all said the same thing. But he won't go to these clubs.
So what do I do?!?

@LolleePopp the school sounds horrendous re attitude to ignoring the bullying. Our massive urban school would have them hauled in. Action would be taken. Safeguarding team would intervene.
My DC say snap is better than WAp as can't just share numbers to big groups in the same way,
How big is the school? In ours you can swop forms or half of the school to start a fresh with different kids

Oh OP I'm so with you on this, trying to manage our childrens' social problems to me is far worse than their academic issues....

Firstly - yes, get him a phone. My teenagers have refurbished Samsungs from ebay which cost about £80, and they have PAYG sim cards from three mobile so basically the phones are for emergency use only outside the house. But they can use wifi at home to whatsapp and message and look at Youtube and do all the normal teenage stuff. They can text from school and it costs 20p or something, and they can ring me and ring off and I call back. I think DD has had two £10 top ups in the last three years, and DS had three because he didn't initially realise he wasn't supposed to download stuff outside the house. So it needn't be expensive.

You will want to check his phone regularly for bullying or inappropriate stuff - that's fine, just tell him you are doing that. It's normal. I don't now my kids are late teens but I did in years 7/8/9.

I have the opposite issue with DS (15). He has ASD and has been mildly picked on all his life. His social skills aren't great. He has one friend but that friend has some other mates that bully DS so he spends a lot of time alone. But he's surprisingly confident and keeps getting knocked back because he asks girls out, or asks casual acquaintances to come for a group sleepover etc. I cringe because his heart is in the right place, and he sees other people doing what seem like the same things, but it never works out for him. He put himself forward for class rep and got no votes. It breaks my heart.....

So no practical advice, sorry. But just recognise that shyness isn't always a bad thing.....

So sorry for your sons discomfort. I suffer from social anxiety and can tell you it’s a very uncomfortable state. Do you have access to a psychologist or therapist that could help with different techniques to help your son navigate through this difficult time? I know I’ll get blowback but there may even be medication available . Good luck. Hope you find the help he needs.

Hi OP,

I work in secondary. Your story really resonates. Low self esteem of teen boys is an increasing issue.
I would advise contacting his form tutor to ensure they know he’s struggling socially. They could facilitate his class teachers sitting your son with some kind boys and girls in his other classes. The teachers will have a better measure now of the different personalities in their groups.

Also, ask for a list of the clubs at school. If there is one that he might like, but is too scared to go alone to, then ask the school if the teacher who runs that club could speak to him and invite him. That teacher may even have a y7 student in mind that they can ask to approach your son and invite him.

Not having a phone will likely set him apart from the others. If you are able to get a SIM card that he can use for a few hours after school in one of your phones then that might be good. Don’t let him have the phone at night and agree a cut off (and monitor closely). Too many kids are left to their own devices on their phones at night and this is where the problems start.

Hope this helps.

Take the pressure off. The word ‘yet’ has been really helpful with my shy DD. “oh, you don’t feel like doing that yet…”. It helps them be compassionate to themselves that they feel overwhelmed but gives hope for the future. Kid’s friendships can be heartbreaking. Good luck xxx

Does he has a tablet or other internet access?

My shy son used to engage with friends on discord whilst gaming with them.

It’s hard to be the shy kid and I feel for your son. I would definitely explore some books that people have suggested, maybe you can approach his form tutor and see if any ‘sneaky’ friendships can be fostered like sitting him with a nice, but slightly more outgoing pupil in some lessons (FT can liaise with subject teachers). Any lunchtime clubs he’d feel he wanted to attend?
I was a v shy child, but not quite at this level as I did have a couple of school friends. However I decided at around 13/14 I wanted a proper group of friends and i was never going to find at school, so tried out various youth clubs until I found the one I was most comfortable at and most of my good friends are still from that time. I really pushed myself out of my comfort zone in terms of my shyness because my determination to ‘get a life’ overrode the shyness I suppose.

Your son sounds so much like my daughter who is now 19 and at university. Her onset of ‘shyness’ seemed to be outside of the family home/close family and friends and was only hugely apparent at secondary school/sixth form. She had a small group of friends all the way through primary and secondary school but they had seemed to ‘adopt’ her rather than her initiate and maintain the friendships herself. We have just completed an Autism assessment and it was very apparent from even the initial questionnaire that she is autistic. She maintains eye contact, is very articulate, exceptionally bright, emotionally intelligent- analytically so…because she has ‘studied’ appropriate behaviour and responses rather than it being intuitive, natural and easy for her. Obviously I don’t know your son so I wouldn’t go so far as to say he may be Autistic but don’t discount it due to his more relaxed social behaviour at home or with known individuals. Autism presents as a social communication difficulty - autistic individuals are as varied and unique as everyone else.

Talking to DS about finding friends in yr 7, the best way seems to be Snapchat. You get recommended friends in your area and can send a friend request. All other ways of communication need to know a phone number or user name first.
Get a cheap mobile, nobody cares about which phone they have, cheap sim, then install Family Link parental controls. You can set downtime for overnight and restrict apps or time allowed on them.

Formulate all the concerns you son has highlighted and use this to email the school SENDCO. He needs a SEN plan - he is having anxiety attacks - it’s affecting his mental health. School can do small interventions that could help for example, pairing him up for a piece of work that might require them to work on it after school. Wishing you all the best.

He needs a phone. To keep it cheap, it could be an older secondhand one with a cheap sim only deal, and he won't be embarrassed by having an old phone because you never let him take it to school. You can police his apps and texts and help him deal with or protect him from any nasty messages.

Other ideas- you or his dad could become a scout leader volunteer/ other extra curricular club volunteer and get him to attend with you there (hopefully at first then you can fade away.)

Maybe he would have more luck making friends with girls? Encourage that too?

oh and he needs a phone. He will find it MUCH easier to communicate and invite people etc when it’s not face to face. He will also then be included in group WhatsApp and feel more included all round. Because I’m so awkward, I would always choose to text someone an invitation or a question than ask face to face. Even if I’ve just seen them…
he will be being excluded if he doesn’t have a phone for no other reason than he isn’t in the chats.

Go to cex and get a second hand iPhone for his Christmas present. Not super cheap but not ridiculous. Then get a LycaMobile sim, 80p for 6 months and then 1.99 or something after that. Or if he needs more data I’m with lebara, £6.90 a month for unlimited call and text and 12gb data.

Are you sure he isn't Autistic. I really did not see it clearly until about age 10 tbh. Then everything made sense. The social struggles became more apparent. In some settings you wouldn't necessarily know. Many people have an idea in their mind what an autistic person is like. I did this. And it is so much more common and underdiagnosed than most people could ever realise.

He absolutely might not be but everything you say sounds just like it.

Let him have a phone!

It really sounds like he is the product of an over protective mum who has, although unintentionally, held him back. Rather than labelling him, maybe try some independence first.

Not read whole thread just your posts but can see someone had recommended scouts and I’d definitely encourage that. I’m a Girlguide leader for girls age 10-13 and we have girls who join us specifically as they are struggling socially at school and we really try to get them integrated. The program also encourages pushing outside their comfort zone. Don’t dismiss it. I’d encourage a term and see. Clubs with an activity like chess or robotics might also suit.

Try Scouts and ask him to try it for a few sessions (walking in alone week 1 will be scarey, week 2 slightly better and so on) my son is the same age, he has a good group of friends at school but they're all very in to football, my son isn't into football at all, Scouts gives him the physical activity (kyaking, paddleboarding, climbing, hiking etc) without the competitive pressure. He has scout-friends separate to school friends, I feel like the scout friends will be friends for life. Also...... as everyone has said kids communicate via phone they don't physically ask friends if they want to hang out, they whatsapp them. All my sons social arrangements are made by him in various whatsapp groups, you've focused on the negatives of phones to the detriment of all the positives, it's a sad fact but a secondary school kid without a phone won't be invited to anything because the mechanism to invite them isn't there.

I'd work on making some friends outside of school. How about joining cubs/scouts where they do structured activities and team work so he can get involved without being friends with anyone at first. Or to really challenge him and boost confidence a drama/theatre group? At a drama group I know it may sound like a nightmare for a shy person but actually if the club is full of confident children they may be great at going and talking to him.

Does he like gaming and computers? Maybe there's a game they all play online that he can join and get other boys online names/tags and join with them doing that?
As for school I think it will just take time and gradually he will find his people. Get him practising smiling and remind him if he smiles more he's more approachable. It's hard if he's feeling anxious but hell have to 'fake it until he makes it'. Good luck!

Ah just saw Ops update that he already does drama that's great. Scouts would be fab and realistically they may well be his people! I was a 'geek' at school and went to girl guides but I tell you now I had a group of amazing nerd friends and there was no drama or bullying or agro and they were my people! I am now in my 40's and still friends with them! And we all went to university and have successful lives. Being a nerd or misfit isn't a bad thing!!

Re the phone, can you get a spare phone on pay as you go and have strict rules about checking it and rules that he can't have it at night etc. Maybe a deal can be made that he has a phone but that you have full access regularly so you can delete and block any malicious texts.

I know it’s hard but you need to back off and stop trying to arrange play dates like he’s 6. It sounds like two mums have diplomatically said they are secondary now and independent leave them to it.
Not having a phone in yr7 marks him out as different and socially hampers him. Monitor it but let him be able to contact people.

Hi @LolleePopp This was painful to read and I understand your anguish. I experienced similar when my ds was similar age. He too had suddenly been turned on in primary, and in secondary felt miserable and actually unsafe. I gave him the option to change schools, but like your son he didn’t want to. However a couple of years later, full school refusal had set in and he told me he wished he’d taken the chance to change schools when he had it. We did move him in the end and he instantly transformed. He had left all the baggage behind. No more school refusal. It was like a dream come true. Might be worth sharing that anecdote with your ds? He’s now a very well adjusted young man doing a great internship and has loads of friends and a great social life. That last bit is to give you hope 😊 I feel your pain and if you would like to dm for supportive chat, please feel free.

Echoing what others have said - he needs a phone.
Also Scouts was fantastic for my shy kids, they can’t not make friends there and it’ll boost his confidence no end. Dorks and misfits seem preferable to being on his own, no? They’re certainly preferable to the mouthy bullies I’d say.

I too was going to recommend Scouts. I am afraid you will never escape the odd kids commenting negatively about anything, including Scouts, but that shouldn't be a reason not to do it.

I would try and find a Scout group where kids from his own school go but also try and find recommendations for the best Scout Group to go too. Some are more adventurous and active than others. You have to hope that whichever Group you approach has available spaces.

Scouts is based on badgework scheme so the kids are rewarded for their participation and for learning new skills etc. The badgework, and therefore activities, is extremely broad and therefore any interests that kids have can normally be incorporated.

Working as teams and social skills, improving confidence (or indeed toning down over-confidence!) is all part of what they do.

I'd like to vouch for Scouts - some of the groups are undoubtedly cool, no question. I agree with pp, ask around for the best recommendation if you have a choice but get your ds to give it a try. Scouts are very inclusive in my experience and they can be very adventurous with outdoor stuff and camping out.