To be so frustrated with shy child?

[LolleePopp]

What do you do with shy 12 year old boys???
My 12 year old DS is sooooo shy with other kids.
He says he's desperate to make friends at his new secondary school.
But he's too shy to engage with anybody.
So he's not making any friends.
He really, really wants to be friends with people. He's not a loner who prefers his own company. He's a loner who looks at everyone around him and wants to make friends but doesn't know how to.
He started secondary school in September saying he was really looking forward to starting a new school and making new friends.
8 weeks in, he's made no friends at all.
There's 1 boy who he'd like to make friends with. So I've encouraged him to invite this boy to meet up outside of school. I helped him come up with ideas to suggest. I texted the boy's mum to try and help organise something. She said her DS would be up for meeting but that she is trying to encourage her DS to be independent so she said could they sort it out between them rather than us mums organising it. I explained this to DS and encouraged him to invite this boy to meet up. But he just will not invite him, even though he wants to meet up with him. After a few weeks of me trying hard to encourage him, last night he said "I'm not going to invite him out mum, I'm just too shy to ask him".
So that's that then.
Another new boy from new school invited him out for a bike ride with him and 3 others. My DS went, and came home 3 hours later full of smiles saying he'd had a great time. But since then, the mum of one of the boys has told me that the other kids all said my DS was really quiet and didn't talk at all or engage with the rest of the kids who were all chatting and joking whilst on their bikes. She said the other kids said my DS was too quiet. Yet my DS thought he had a brilliant time with them and asked them to let him know when theyre going again as hed like to join in, but meanwhile this other mum said the other kids probably won't invite him out next time because my DS was so quiet they thought he wasn't having fun with them. When in fact he told me he had really good fun, so I relayed this to the mum, but she said "Well they've met up a few times since then but didn't invite your DS because he was so quiet". DS has seen them out cycling round together without him and looked crestfallen.
There's another boy he likes, so I've texted that mum and she told me she leaves her DS to arrange his own social life now he's started secondary. So I've told my DS this and encouraged him to invite this boy over to ours or to meet up, but again, my DS won't invite him.
He's been going to an out of school club for 1 year and hasn't made a single friend there.
He hates competitive sports, so he will not join any football or rugby groups (much to my DH's frustration - DH is not sports mad but he insists a team sport would be good for DS's confidence, but DS refuses). He tried cricket but dropped out after 2 months. I've suggested judo at my DH's suggestion - flat no, he absolutely hated the look of it when I showed him kids of his age doing judo on YouTube.
In primary, he had 5 friends but the dynamics between them in year 6 were awful, constant fall outs and unpleasant behaviour on a non stop basis, a lot of horrible behaviour aimed at him (as well as at each other) so they've all fallen by the wayside now.
DS is a brilliant person. He talks loads at home, really makes us all laugh, has amazing insight into things (insight that is superior to his age), understands people really well, has very high levels of emotional intelligence - there are so many situations on this level that he just 'gets' and can talk eloquently about things on an emotional level that other mums tell me their kids of same age can't do or don't get at all, he has lots of interests (but none them transfer in to clubs). He gets on brilliantly with his sister, who is not shy at all.
It's really weird - when he was a little boy he wasn't shy at all. He ran around with a big bright happy open expression on his face, he was born with a "Hello world!" temperament. Then around the age of 10, shyness kicked in, and 2 years later it's much worse. He's getting more shy as he gets older.
I can see that this comes across really badly to other kids.
We were out at an event the other evening, and throughout the event, several boys in his school year that know him smiled and said Hi to him on individual occasions (not a group of boys, but 1 boy, then 10 mins later another boy, etc.) and DS didn't smile back at any of them. He did reply to each of them with a hello, but he came across as so stand offish. I talked to him the next day about how he came across to them, but he just said "I'm so shy mum, I freeze and clam up when they speak to me, I hate it but I don't know what to do because I can't help it".
I've encouraged him to join clubs at school but he won't because he doesn't know anyone. Obviously I've explained that no-one knows anyone at first, but you go and then you get to know people. But he will not go.
I'm at the point where I despair.
I can see him spending 5 years at school not making any friends.
If he didn't care about friends and was happy in his own little world then I'd think fine, that's just how he is. But he tells me he really, really wants to make friends.
I've talked to his school about it and asked for their support, and they said he needs to join school clubs. That was their only solution and 3 different staff members have all said the same thing. But he won't go to these clubs.
So what do I do?!?

Sounds like he's withdrawn as a result of the bullying. Get him some help and a phone. Set the phone up for vip contacts only so that he can't receive random abusive messages.

There are lots of payg networks now
Smarty use Three
Giffgaff use 02
Lebara use Vodafone
Lyca use EE
1p mobile use Vodafone.

It depends what network is best for where you live.

I was bullied at the same age, never said anything just withdrew. Still got issues 40 years later so I'd urge you to help him deal with it so that he can leave the bullying behind. Hope you find something that helps.

So your son was bullied and the school told him he should stay away from the kids? That in the mind of someone being bullied equates to hide away.

if this is the source of his problem this would be my thoughts:

He’s likely been taught through this that he’s the one who is causing their behaviour and he needs to be the one to avoid negative interactions by hiding his personality - he’s internalised the bullying and now doesn’t know how to show his personality.

sounds like he’s second guessing himself/his personality/what to say so just clans up and finds it easier to say nothing at all.

he needs therapy with someone trained in this if you can afford it. definitely books (read them first to see they’re not going to do more harm than good). also if possible some performing arts/confidence training one on one or very small group.

you’re lucky he’s talking to you. That’s a great sign. you might be able to role play/give him a script of what to say when people say hi. He’ll be cringed out it doing it with you but it’s worth it.

OP I know it's hard. My ASD DD never goes out with friends as she's too crippled with anxiety to leave the house. I can only dream about being the 'taxi' that parents of other kids her age moan about.

However, she has a phone and is an avid gamer so she has a huge social life on line. I was worried about how much time she spends on line - MN will tell you it must be limited to half an hour a day if there's an R in the month. But speaking to the psychologist who diagnosed her ASD, I was advised to give her lots of online time. It's her way of communicating with her peers with ease.

When I hear her chatting and laughing online it's music to my ears. Yes, there have been some issues with horrid texts on her phone but we've talked about it and she tells me what's going on. We navigate it together. And to be honest it's only happened twice in 4 years so all good.

She comes alive online. And it's an area she's now looking into pursuing when she goes to college. Her art and video skills are amazing. Not all kids are outgoing. Not all kids like sport. It's ok to be introverted.

Secondary school is IMHO mainly designed for extrovert kids. You DS just hasn't found his tribe yet. He's very young... and may not find his tribe at secondary school at all but while he's finding his way just be there for him. Please stop calling other mums on his behalf... the other mum wasn't a dick (as mentioned above) for not pushing her son to invite yours. She was right to tell you that the kids need to sort themselves.

Do try and find things he might like to do outside of school. Warhammer, cinema, photography, gardening club. There are plenty of alternatives to sport. Make sure you tell him how fabulous he is and how proud you are of him. He sounds like a lovely boy who'll come into his own when you least expect it.

@LolleePopp
Is there a drama group at his school? My friends son was also very shy. He ended up taking a drama class because it was the only elective available that would fit into his class schedule. It proved to be immensely beneficial in helping him to overcome his shyness. He became more comfortable in speaking with peers and before groups. He even met his first girlfriend in that class.

His teacher told my friend that for some reason the drama class often helps the students to develop a better sense of self confidence and ease within groups.

When do you intend to get him a mobile? I appreciate you say money is tight, certainly doesn’t have to be a top of the range or brand new and there are plenty of sim only deals eg gift gaff which wouldn’t set you back too much.

What activities has he done through primary school? Could he continue these? If he hasn’t what about scouts, drama, martial arts. Encourage him to join clubs the school offers. Definitely raise your concerns with school things are often put in place for children who struggle socially.

Oh, I feel for him! Poor thing. I think the teachers could offer a bit more help. E.g. I once had a teacher who made some excuse to move me to a different seat in class, after no doubt noticing that I hadn’t spoken to anyone in the first month or so. I was suddenly next to a super chatty friendly boy who I had no choice but to talk to, and who is still my friend decades later!

I agree with those in favour of a phone, if you can figure out a way to afford it. It’s so much easier to be brave by WhatsApp than in person.

I really sympathise as my Year 8 son is similar. Used to be an outgoing small child but is now shy/introverted (as am I). He craves social connections but is often overlooked in a crowded playground/football team etc as he's not one to shout out and seek attention.

Please do get him a phone if there is any way you can afford it. I understand the worry but having a phone at secondary age is just part of life now. When we gave my son his phone we explained that we would be checking his messages/use regularly. So you can do this and help him to block anyone who might send something inappropriate. Even if he doesn't use it to message people at first, it will help to feel more connected just be looking at people's Snapchat photos etc.

Personally, I think you have done the right thing by reaching out to other parents. They are mean if their response has been to refuse to get involved. I can't stand these 'cool' parents. Where is their empathy? They should be teaching their own kids a life lesson by encouraging them to be kind and helping someone who needs support. It's what we expect adults to do and they need to learn it from somewhere!

I would also recommend the book Quiet and her other book Quiet Power (about teenagers) by Susan Cain. It's an insight into introverts and how this can be seen as a strength. It might be encouraging/empowering for you and your son.

Finally, I would recommend Poppy O'Neill's self help books for kids. Particularly 'Be Brave: A Child's Guide to Overcoming Shyness'. Really lovely books that you can work through with him, as they contain exercises to complete and discussion guides. Ignore the fact it says for 7-11 year olds, it's good for my 12/13 year old!

Also of these books can be found cheaply on ebay or reserved at the library etc if you want to save money.

Is he possibly neurodiverse?

You sound like a lovely mum but you really need to enable him to be reaching out/communicating himself - I just don't think my 11 year old would want me or other mums involved in social plans now.

I don't mean to be rude but you sound like an utterly insane helicopter parent.

You isolated him and then wonder why he is isolated. You chat about him to all the other parents about him (their kids will find out) and try to organize play dates for him (hes not a toddler) then wonder why he isn't cool and gets bullied... you are like social suicide at that age.

The kids that got bullied at that age in DS school where the ones behind the curve (not having basics like a phone etc...) and with embarrassing over controlling parents.

Take cue from all the other parents that have literally told you they are not organizing and meddling in the kids social lives anymore... not of these parents will force a play date because its not the done thing. Desperation and craziness pushes people away and its not your DS thats giving off that vibe.

Good God, the more you post the worse it gets. Get him a phone asap. You've done him real damage by denying him this. And by not addressing this all before. Do you have SN?

Talk to Gp about anxiety and counselling. Speak to HoY about previous primary bullying and still no friends. Get school pastoral care involved. Also another book that might help (it's written for Asperger's teens but might help): . "The Asperkids' (Secret) Rule Book of Social Rules".

You need to talk to him about replying when someone says hi, so as not to appear standoffish, because that's just a basic courteously everyone should do.

Speak to HoY because you have seriously underestimated the damage done already, and a lot of work is going to need to be done to re-address all this.

Op i think he is avoiding using your phone to send messages because it would be embarrassing.

He's at secondary. Stop organising play dates for him with other mums.

Find a way to get him a phone (second hand + £10 a month sim) and let him connect with his peers. Trust him to find his tribe.

I'd also be mindful of "cliff edge" internet naivety. Children who have access to a phone later than their peers can be more vulnerable to all of the issues that can arise, because they haven't had the stabiliser period of just close friends and family.

Get him a phone, it's going to be harder for als someone verbally to go out rather than text. There aren't many secondary school age kids without phones

You can get sim only contracts for £5 a month on giff gaff and Id mobile.

I agree with everyone else - not having a phone in Year 7 is socially isolating. Even if all he does his join the class WhatsApp group and make inane chat, it will help him to bond with the others socially.

If he struggles to talk to others, he'll probably find it easier to talk virtually.

Running a mobile phone does not have to cost loads - at Year 7, our DC just had old handsets (if you don't have one yourself, you must know someone who does) and they got the cheapest PAYG package. He'll need a mobile or other device for school work anyway.

How about him joining a club? Air Cadets, Army cadets etc are terrific at encouraging children to become more confident in themselves.

I know you just want to make friends for him, but I don’t think you can force him - it will happen though, I promise. He’ll find his little group eventually.

Sounds like you are pretty confident. It’s always easier to deal with things if you feel that you are not alone. One of my
kids definitely gets the adrenaline fear a lot but I constantly tell them stories of people who have triumphed over their fears. I also tell them lots of stories about myself being a child and especially of the cringe things. I would say for example: “I was really shy and my mum used to try and force me to talk to strangers and I used to be sooo embarrassed!” Or I will talk about the first time I had a snog or a boyfriend etc with all the cringe, embarrassing bits and how the first time is really embarrassing etc. Followed up
with a little pep talk of feel the fear and do it anyway! You really need to act like a friend here, not a mum. Allow yourselves to feel the cringe!! Say “Come on, we’ll send the text and then we’ll hide under the duvet until they text back!” Use that adrenaline for a bit of fun because that’s how kids behave together. Get on his wave length and show your own vulnerabilities. Good luck

It's not another parent's job to help OP's DC.

Plus, how do you know she isn't? She might well have said to her own DC that OP's DC is keen to meet up and why don't they organise something.

Unless you're thinking that the other mum should organise a playdate and have him round for tea like she would if they were 7 (which would be cringeworthy for both children)?

Also the number one conversation breaker your child should use is the truth “I’m so nervous, I’m stupidly shy, so excuse me if I come across quiet but it takes me ages to stop feeling so shy”

Few kids use this strategy but they should! Who wouldn’t make extra effort with a kid that said that!?

Hiding the truth is always a terrible strategy. It’s very humble to tell the truth and usually brings empathy out in people

I just wanted to say as someone who was painfully shy growing up, your post really resonated with me. As an adult I’ve have CBT for social anxiety and it has changed my life. I think with the additional information you mention about him being bullied and having panic attacks/anxiety he would probably really benefit from speaking to someone. Bullying has a really profound impact on how you see yourself, and certainly is/was a huge part of my social anxiety, trying to address some of the hurt that caused was helpful and helped me to get out of my own head so I can be myself around other people.

On a practical level though, one thing I did do in therapy was role play social situations and that was helpful.

You sound like a wonderfully supportive mum xx

I agree with the out of school clubs eg cadets, scouts. I have a dc similar with making friends and they went to a local church club which they enjoyed. Not particularly cool but they found other young people who were a bit like them. The club used to organise visits and social events on the weekends too and my dc was struggling to find school friends to meet up with so it helped.

I'm really sorry you're struggling but he needs a phone. It's an essential at that age, just like uniform or new shoes.