To be so frustrated with shy child?

[LolleePopp]

What do you do with shy 12 year old boys???
My 12 year old DS is sooooo shy with other kids.
He says he's desperate to make friends at his new secondary school.
But he's too shy to engage with anybody.
So he's not making any friends.
He really, really wants to be friends with people. He's not a loner who prefers his own company. He's a loner who looks at everyone around him and wants to make friends but doesn't know how to.
He started secondary school in September saying he was really looking forward to starting a new school and making new friends.
8 weeks in, he's made no friends at all.
There's 1 boy who he'd like to make friends with. So I've encouraged him to invite this boy to meet up outside of school. I helped him come up with ideas to suggest. I texted the boy's mum to try and help organise something. She said her DS would be up for meeting but that she is trying to encourage her DS to be independent so she said could they sort it out between them rather than us mums organising it. I explained this to DS and encouraged him to invite this boy to meet up. But he just will not invite him, even though he wants to meet up with him. After a few weeks of me trying hard to encourage him, last night he said "I'm not going to invite him out mum, I'm just too shy to ask him".
So that's that then.
Another new boy from new school invited him out for a bike ride with him and 3 others. My DS went, and came home 3 hours later full of smiles saying he'd had a great time. But since then, the mum of one of the boys has told me that the other kids all said my DS was really quiet and didn't talk at all or engage with the rest of the kids who were all chatting and joking whilst on their bikes. She said the other kids said my DS was too quiet. Yet my DS thought he had a brilliant time with them and asked them to let him know when theyre going again as hed like to join in, but meanwhile this other mum said the other kids probably won't invite him out next time because my DS was so quiet they thought he wasn't having fun with them. When in fact he told me he had really good fun, so I relayed this to the mum, but she said "Well they've met up a few times since then but didn't invite your DS because he was so quiet". DS has seen them out cycling round together without him and looked crestfallen.
There's another boy he likes, so I've texted that mum and she told me she leaves her DS to arrange his own social life now he's started secondary. So I've told my DS this and encouraged him to invite this boy over to ours or to meet up, but again, my DS won't invite him.
He's been going to an out of school club for 1 year and hasn't made a single friend there.
He hates competitive sports, so he will not join any football or rugby groups (much to my DH's frustration - DH is not sports mad but he insists a team sport would be good for DS's confidence, but DS refuses). He tried cricket but dropped out after 2 months. I've suggested judo at my DH's suggestion - flat no, he absolutely hated the look of it when I showed him kids of his age doing judo on YouTube.
In primary, he had 5 friends but the dynamics between them in year 6 were awful, constant fall outs and unpleasant behaviour on a non stop basis, a lot of horrible behaviour aimed at him (as well as at each other) so they've all fallen by the wayside now.
DS is a brilliant person. He talks loads at home, really makes us all laugh, has amazing insight into things (insight that is superior to his age), understands people really well, has very high levels of emotional intelligence - there are so many situations on this level that he just 'gets' and can talk eloquently about things on an emotional level that other mums tell me their kids of same age can't do or don't get at all, he has lots of interests (but none them transfer in to clubs). He gets on brilliantly with his sister, who is not shy at all.
It's really weird - when he was a little boy he wasn't shy at all. He ran around with a big bright happy open expression on his face, he was born with a "Hello world!" temperament. Then around the age of 10, shyness kicked in, and 2 years later it's much worse. He's getting more shy as he gets older.
I can see that this comes across really badly to other kids.
We were out at an event the other evening, and throughout the event, several boys in his school year that know him smiled and said Hi to him on individual occasions (not a group of boys, but 1 boy, then 10 mins later another boy, etc.) and DS didn't smile back at any of them. He did reply to each of them with a hello, but he came across as so stand offish. I talked to him the next day about how he came across to them, but he just said "I'm so shy mum, I freeze and clam up when they speak to me, I hate it but I don't know what to do because I can't help it".
I've encouraged him to join clubs at school but he won't because he doesn't know anyone. Obviously I've explained that no-one knows anyone at first, but you go and then you get to know people. But he will not go.
I'm at the point where I despair.
I can see him spending 5 years at school not making any friends.
If he didn't care about friends and was happy in his own little world then I'd think fine, that's just how he is. But he tells me he really, really wants to make friends.
I've talked to his school about it and asked for their support, and they said he needs to join school clubs. That was their only solution and 3 different staff members have all said the same thing. But he won't go to these clubs.
So what do I do?!?

What are his interests? Would he be interested in something like whatever the scouts group for that age is?

BTW, I've only just realised since typing this reply, that his sudden onset shyness and loss of spark socially, directly coincided with being bullied by 2 different kids in Yr 5 and 6. He never really bounced back from this.

I did wonder had something happened? I think he'll need to deal with this, whether professional or with your support.
My DH was badly bullied around that stage and never told anyone. I believe his social anxiety is v much linked to this..

In addition to worrying about horrible texts that I know full well from being on mum whattsapp gtoups and from my mum friends are circularing around year 7, I'm really worried about the finances of running an additional mobile phone.
As a family, we are under a huge amount of financial stress and we struggle to make ends meet every month.
I'm genuinly very worried about how to finance another smart phone.

Honestly op - I think you need to be careful this doesn't turn into a self fulfilling prophecy and that you're not making it worse (sorry don't mean to be harsh). I totally get what it's like as a parent of a dc who struggles in Comp and is quiet/reserved/on the outside (ds1, I've spent so many hours worrying over his social life you wouldn't believe). But you being so full of anxiety about this is going to rub off on him however much you hide it.

You've used the word shy so much in your post - and your ds is using it to describe himself. It's going to become his reason and get out clause for everything if not already.

But assuming he's NT, some of what you've described isn't shyness, it's rudeness...ie not acknowledging people who smile at you. I think you need to instill some tough love and lessons and not take a 'oh I know you're shy but...' approach to everything. If you see him blank people, you need to tell him that's not appropriate behaviour.

You also need to take a step back. By all means encourage him but trying to arrange playdates for him with other mums is not going to help at this age, quite the reverse.

Try and be breezy about it (to him) and stop focusing so much on getting him 'friends'. Don't use the word shy to describe him. But get him interacting with people as much as possible without making a huge deal of it. Send him to the shop for you. If you're out and about, get him to ask for directions. Baby steps. But anything you can do where he has to engage with someone else.

Talk to him about his activities. Tell him he needs to get a couple more hobbies and give him a list of options. It really doesn't matter what it is, there are so many options other than sport. But I wouldn't encourage him to do this part himself, I'd arrange it for him, out of school - but as local to you as possible so that there's likely to be other kids from school there.

And relax and don't think for one second he or you are alone in this. It's common and most dc come out the other side.

Sorry that other mum is a prick why isn’t she encouraging the kids to be friends and help bring him out of his shell.

Have you an old phone you could get sorted for him? A friend ties their family phones together and has a v good bill deal.

Oh Jesus. And get him a phone as a priority. It doesn't have to be a flash contact phone. Anything, any smart phone.

Even payg without topping it up so he can just use home WiFi. Kids don't call or text anyway, they Snapchat, WhatsApp etc.

Giffgaff has unlimited everything for a fixed rate of £25 per month or you can just buy £10 credit and a cheap refurbished phone. Honestly it can change his social life.

Maybe a phone for his Christmas present? Samsung is much cheaper than iPhone and you needn't go for the latest model. Honestly most secondary age kids do organise their social lives by phone.

Does the school have any kind of drama/theatre club, and would he be keen?
Can be a good place to let out some quieter personalities..

Do they have army or raf cadats where you live? My son was like yours and since he started cadats in year 8 he is such a different boy, it gave him so much confidence

I thought this too.

Is he into anything like Warhammer or games like that? Could he join online communities or go to workshops in the area to make friends this way? Or video games?

I got my dc the cheapest smartphone I could find...was £85 I think...could maybe be a Christmas present? Then a sim only deal....is about £10 a month. Although I know sometimes even an extra tenner a month coming out your account is not ideal.

I think he needs a phone. My DS' basic phone costs £5 per month

You say he was bullied for 2 years. I'm a little surprised you're only now seeing the connection between that and his change of demeanour

Also, do you talk to him about your own friendships? I make a point of telling my children about occasions when my friends have done something nice for me, when they've inadvertently hurt my feelings etc. I think it's really important to see that adults also have these experiences

My daughter has selective mutism. She can talk and shout at home, and chat away with people she knows but really struggles with new people. It's not just shyness.
After the bullying I would guess he's had his confidence really knocked. Get him a phone and don't get impatient with him, you be helping.

Sorry that you’re struggling financially, OP.

DS had one of my old phones in Y6/7, £10 a month sim only deal and the data is sent from DH, as he can ‘gift’ unused data from his EE account to DS. Would this be an option?

Agree it doesn't need to be an expensive phone. I've never heard a child be unkind to another child because of the smartphone they have.

You really are going to have to put aside the fears you have. They aren't unreasonable at all, but he's at secondary school now.

It's OK to be an introvert or quiet!

It took me until my 30s to realise its OK.

Could you ask him what help he would like ? Or whether he'd like any at all ? It all sounds like so much pressure.

Same @Sugargliderwombat.

I've worked really hard to combine being an introvert with appearing to be the complete opposite. Plus I'm a teacher: when I'm in front of a class you'd never describe me as introverted in a million years.

You need to get him engaging in some self esteem work to bolster his confidence. Also I'm
sure if you asked family and friends someone would have an old phone lying about, even if it’s just one that wouldn’t have social media but can send a text.

I had this with dc at transition to secondary school. School now suspects asd. It manifests as extreme shyness to the point of rudeness. She also finds it very hard to speak. And suffers anxiety although that is getting better. It is very frustrating because she doesn’t see the point of small talk. Yet is very lonely and she doesn’t make an effort to join in.

also at secondary school you just can’t manage their friendships.

I would encourage him to join cadets or scouts and do a kind of physical activity doesn’t need to be competitive. And perhaps you invite a classmate out for the day with you or take them to the cinema? Or drop them there?

Get the child a phone. No wonder he is out of the loop. He is in secondary, he needs a phone. Easier to send a text asking to meet up than having to wait to go to school and ask face to face.

The phone issue is holding him back he could communicate that way in little steps. Also look up selective mutism he may not be shy. Your frustration won’t help if he can’t control it.

Phones are how social lives are arranged now, all the mums saying I don't want to organize my child's social life are letting them get on with it by phone- in groups. Of course you have to watch for bullying/stress around the phone, but by not having one, you are effectively isolating him from the method of organizing going out and making friends that's used in this generation. They kids aren't going to call you, and they aren't going to make arrangements with one quiet kid without a phone, they will just message the group that exists and go out.