To be so frustrated with shy child?

[LolleePopp]

What do you do with shy 12 year old boys???
My 12 year old DS is sooooo shy with other kids.
He says he's desperate to make friends at his new secondary school.
But he's too shy to engage with anybody.
So he's not making any friends.
He really, really wants to be friends with people. He's not a loner who prefers his own company. He's a loner who looks at everyone around him and wants to make friends but doesn't know how to.
He started secondary school in September saying he was really looking forward to starting a new school and making new friends.
8 weeks in, he's made no friends at all.
There's 1 boy who he'd like to make friends with. So I've encouraged him to invite this boy to meet up outside of school. I helped him come up with ideas to suggest. I texted the boy's mum to try and help organise something. She said her DS would be up for meeting but that she is trying to encourage her DS to be independent so she said could they sort it out between them rather than us mums organising it. I explained this to DS and encouraged him to invite this boy to meet up. But he just will not invite him, even though he wants to meet up with him. After a few weeks of me trying hard to encourage him, last night he said "I'm not going to invite him out mum, I'm just too shy to ask him".
So that's that then.
Another new boy from new school invited him out for a bike ride with him and 3 others. My DS went, and came home 3 hours later full of smiles saying he'd had a great time. But since then, the mum of one of the boys has told me that the other kids all said my DS was really quiet and didn't talk at all or engage with the rest of the kids who were all chatting and joking whilst on their bikes. She said the other kids said my DS was too quiet. Yet my DS thought he had a brilliant time with them and asked them to let him know when theyre going again as hed like to join in, but meanwhile this other mum said the other kids probably won't invite him out next time because my DS was so quiet they thought he wasn't having fun with them. When in fact he told me he had really good fun, so I relayed this to the mum, but she said "Well they've met up a few times since then but didn't invite your DS because he was so quiet". DS has seen them out cycling round together without him and looked crestfallen.
There's another boy he likes, so I've texted that mum and she told me she leaves her DS to arrange his own social life now he's started secondary. So I've told my DS this and encouraged him to invite this boy over to ours or to meet up, but again, my DS won't invite him.
He's been going to an out of school club for 1 year and hasn't made a single friend there.
He hates competitive sports, so he will not join any football or rugby groups (much to my DH's frustration - DH is not sports mad but he insists a team sport would be good for DS's confidence, but DS refuses). He tried cricket but dropped out after 2 months. I've suggested judo at my DH's suggestion - flat no, he absolutely hated the look of it when I showed him kids of his age doing judo on YouTube.
In primary, he had 5 friends but the dynamics between them in year 6 were awful, constant fall outs and unpleasant behaviour on a non stop basis, a lot of horrible behaviour aimed at him (as well as at each other) so they've all fallen by the wayside now.
DS is a brilliant person. He talks loads at home, really makes us all laugh, has amazing insight into things (insight that is superior to his age), understands people really well, has very high levels of emotional intelligence - there are so many situations on this level that he just 'gets' and can talk eloquently about things on an emotional level that other mums tell me their kids of same age can't do or don't get at all, he has lots of interests (but none them transfer in to clubs). He gets on brilliantly with his sister, who is not shy at all.
It's really weird - when he was a little boy he wasn't shy at all. He ran around with a big bright happy open expression on his face, he was born with a "Hello world!" temperament. Then around the age of 10, shyness kicked in, and 2 years later it's much worse. He's getting more shy as he gets older.
I can see that this comes across really badly to other kids.
We were out at an event the other evening, and throughout the event, several boys in his school year that know him smiled and said Hi to him on individual occasions (not a group of boys, but 1 boy, then 10 mins later another boy, etc.) and DS didn't smile back at any of them. He did reply to each of them with a hello, but he came across as so stand offish. I talked to him the next day about how he came across to them, but he just said "I'm so shy mum, I freeze and clam up when they speak to me, I hate it but I don't know what to do because I can't help it".
I've encouraged him to join clubs at school but he won't because he doesn't know anyone. Obviously I've explained that no-one knows anyone at first, but you go and then you get to know people. But he will not go.
I'm at the point where I despair.
I can see him spending 5 years at school not making any friends.
If he didn't care about friends and was happy in his own little world then I'd think fine, that's just how he is. But he tells me he really, really wants to make friends.
I've talked to his school about it and asked for their support, and they said he needs to join school clubs. That was their only solution and 3 different staff members have all said the same thing. But he won't go to these clubs.
So what do I do?!?

Just no. It won't help. Yr7 kids don't have play dates organised by parents.
Other parents will find it wierd and the kids will think he is a baby and odd ball. He needs to enter the social media teen world. Even if he only floats around mainly on the periphery.
Gaming, drama or any club too. At the mo he won't know anything that's going on in the world of his peers

My son was the same. It drove us mad. He wanted to engage but just couldn't bring himself to make the first contact. Once he established a friendship, he was absolutely fine, but even then he couldn't instigate things like going out etc. Sadly, he remained that way throughout secondary school and even through university. Always on his own, desperate to make friends, but couldn't do it. He finally started to come out of his shell and gain some confidence in his final year at Uni - still not proactive, but very close to his flatmates and very sad to leave them last Summer.

But, he started a new job in August and it's been a revelation. I don't know why, but he's thrown himself in with gusto and has made loads of new friends at work, going out to the pub, pub quizzes, meals etc with them, instigating a group of them going to football matches, now he's organising a Christmas party for the new graduates/interns. We really can't believe it. It's been like flicking a switch. You can almost see the newly found confidence oozing out of him.

So, OP, don't worry unduly, they tend to find themselves eventually, even if it takes many years. Probably best not to make a big deal out of it as shy people tend to retreat even more if their shyness is pointed out to them too often. Just make suggestions, offer advice, etc., rather than complain or make it a big issue.

Personally I would look into changing his school, then invest in a mobile phone. Is he currently at school with the ones that used to bully him?
He won’t feel included if he doesn’t have a phone. They will have WhatsApp groups where they all chat and bond and much easier via messages than face to face. A good starting point then hopefully will help to build his confidence as not immediately face to face.
Does he have a PlayStation or Xbox?
That’s another great way to form friendships initially.
Its a real shame that the parents you have previously spoken to haven’t been more proactive when arranging meet ups.
I feel a new school (maybe smaller) could be the answer.

Please don't let him know you are frustrated OP, and drop the pressure to perform. Also stop telling him he's shy. Have a spell of just doing nice things with him your selves and let him know he's good enough as he is - building his confidence.My mother caused lasting damage to my sibling, by making her frustration known over their social inadequacy (in her eyes) - like it was some sort of reflection on her. Stop allnthe suggestions and work on general confidence.

I found with my sons that a beginners sailing course over the summer, it was run by volunteers and fairly inexpensive and it gave them confidence. Code Club free via libraries and other settings, and a follow-up course, both outside of school gave them stuff to talk about and confidence to talk to new people. The big turning point was doing Bronze Duke of Edinburgh and the volunteering. They found a great local organization which again was totally different from school and gave them a huge confidence boost and lots of practical skills. My older son had been bullied at primary school so these things outside of school made a huge difference.
Scouts also helped but less so, helping to fundraise, and going on camp and stuff.
I gave them a huge congratulations every time they spoke to someone or asked for something in a shop or post office. I also got them to take something to a neighbour, like Christmas cards or some flowers of someone was unwell. Even if they were with me I made them speak not me, we practiced before hand. Sometimes they just need to have communication laid out for them and you have to stand next to them and make them do it, they hate it but the fear subsides. Hope some of these ideas help, it's a necessary skill in life, it's just really hard for some kids to get it.

Sorry I've not had chance to read the whole thread but I would enroll him in a drama class, they can work wonders at bringing kids out of their shell (and he might meet a pal there)

“It's not another parent's job to help OP's DC.”

No, it isn’t her job. It’s called being a decent human being, @redskyanight .

I would be talking to him about who he wants to do 1-1 playdates with and facilitating this either with a mobile that you mostly have custody of or explain to the mums that your son needs a bit of support to arrange playdates right now but you will work towards him doing it independently. He just needs to make a few friends that he can hang around with at school.

Agree with others about not labelling him as shy. He needs to see himself not as shy, but as someone with an issue they have the capability to overcome.

CAMHS are overwhelmed and extremely unlikely to help.

It does sound like the bullying has affected his confidence and resilience badly.

Your council may have a family support service that may be able to offer help or know where to turn for help.

Lots of children's charities offer free support of various kinds so look at organisations like Banardoes to see what they offer.

You can also get childrens' work books on CBT for anxiety etc that you could work through with him. Your library may be have this or be able to order it for you. There may be similar for hypnosis for anxiety.

Thanks for this thread though. I rather suspect my year 6 will be like this at senior school, so I need to get thinking about all this now!

Do you all have like parental controls or something on your kid's phones? How do you manage the safety aspect?

Exactly. My teen daughter is very outgoing and in the popular crowd at school, but I always always encourage her to be nice to those who are left out or struggling with friends. Someone we know joined my daughter's school in the year below and he has ASD and is sitting by himself at lunchtime. I ask her about him and tell her to help him. It's just being a decent human.

BTW, I've only just realised since typing this reply, that his sudden onset shyness and loss of spark socially, directly coincided with being bullied by 2 different kids in Yr 5 and 6. He never really bounced back from this.

He must have had his confidence knocked. Also 8 weeks into Year 7 is nothing!

My DS was quite confident at primary but had to go to secondary on his own. He went from going out regularly to not being invited out at all until probably Easter of Year 7 & then it was probably half way through Year 8 he started to find a proper group of friends.

He's sporty & still took ages to settle. I think you need to be patient.

My daughter never goes out with anyone her age. She's shy and introverted.

I find the other Mum's reaction really unkind. There was no need to mention they had all been meeting up & didn't want to include your DS. Honestly I don't know what's up with some people?!

Try not to pressure him & just let him find his own way. Spend time together as a family & make sure he's relaxed. The more you worry the harder it will be.

You could mention to his tutor at school?

Have you tried scouts? I think that's supposed to be good for making friends.

OP - sending some solidarity, this is really tough for you both. Just another lens offer here. I have I have shy (albeit younger) child. They’re wonderful at home - chatty, funny and lovely - they have so much to offer the world and friends. But, whilst I don’t think they’re ND, they are quiet and sensitive and slightly off-beat from the lovely, chatty, physical other kids. The reason for the difference is safety - they are completely safe at home, and around known family friends. They don’t feel safe at all at school and therefore can’t be themselves. I also think they find other children unpredictable which again makes them feel vulnerable.

Of course, I find this immensely frustrating - I want to be fine with them being shy, but I know how wonderful they are and feel the world misses out on them. I try to rationalise that they haven’t found their crew yet. The only practical advice is that we’re trying out of school activities - including one we do together (like a running club). I am a huge believe in the value of this - trying to move away from all the emphasis being on making school friends - which, let’s face it, can be quite a narrow crew. It also reduces some of the impact of bullying (if you have friends outside of school, what’s happening in school reduces in importance significantly). Loads of luck.

Is selective mutism on your radar? Might be worth looking into.

Could he start counselling, where he could work through the issues from y5/6 and if he gets a phone during this period, use the counselling to discuss navigating all that comes with that?
I can understand you wanting to avoid any more bullying and nastiness from class whatsapp’s groups (I know some can get like that) but if he had a safe space to work through these interactions, he could then also get the benefits.

BTW, I've only just realised since typing this reply, that his sudden onset shyness and loss of spark socially, directly coincided with being bullied by 2 different kids in Yr 5 and 6. He never really bounced back from this. I involved schoolbat the time and their response was to tell DS to stay away from those kids.

I was going to asks if there was bullying - happened to DS and took years at secondary to get over and frankly not having a phone won't be helping.

You could try scouts- though don't think they helped DS but the pack wasn't in great shape.

I'm not sure what exactly you expect the other parent to do other than say to her DC "why don't you ask OP's DC to hang out sometime?" Rather as OP has done with her own DC.
Which she quite probably has done. You can't force children of this age to meet up. And, if you do, it's not really condusive to future friendships.
They aren't 5.

@LolleePopp Get him a phone! Clearly everything else you’ve tried isn’t working. He isn’t on the same playing field as his peers. The time for mum’s to arrange meetups has passed and he needs the tools to be able to do this on his own.

A book is not going to help. A phone will.

I was once described as 'shy'. In reality I was bullied for 4 years in primary school, and the school did nothing.

Have you not taken him to see a doctor re the anxiety attacks? Why not? You need to stop telling him to do stuff and feel forced. Get the poor boy some help and stop blaming him. He's blaming himself already. There are more individual sports out there than judo. His mental health will only get worse if you don't address it now. Puberty is hard and he's barely started.

@eurotravel ah ok then! I don’t have senior school kids. I thought perhaps for something involving a car journey to a cinema or something T parents might have to get involved.

Yep, bullying could well be the problem. I was fine socially at primary school, but turned reclusive in secondary due to bullying which I suffered throughout my teens. Completely knocked my confidence and I wouldn't engage with class mates because I was convinced they'd just bully me - I put up "fences" to protect myself. Took many years after leaving school before I could trust people enough to be friends with them.

Ahhh poor boy! I am a former painfully shy child who only had one friend growing up who wasn’t in my class (we are still friends now and we’re both quite socially awkward even now!) . I also had a tough year 6 friendship wise (definitely borderline bullying) which made me massively retreat into myself. You sound like a good parent who sees the best in your child and wants them to be happy - my parents didn’t even notice as they also have poor social skills - but I agree that labelling them as shy and putting any kind of pressure on him will just make it worse as it will make make him feel there is something different or wrong with him. I think, as long as there’s no actual bullying invoiced, you need to let him get on with things himself and he will find his own way eventually.

Sorry OP but I agree. He needs a phone. Kids that age organise their own social live, always by phone! Not by mums phoning other mums.