To tell him to stick his budget up his jacksie

[Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat]

I will start off to say I am aware that I am in a fortunate position financially so don’t wish to offend anyone.
DP and I are on the same pay scale within the NHS, however he earns about £300 a month more than me due to overtime. The trust I work for discourages payment for extra hrs so I tend to take time back for extra hours worked. I am happy with this.
we have separate bank accounts but share finances. Previous to this year DP paid the mortgage and I paid most of the bills. Food, petrol and living expenses went on my credit card which was paid off every month. The bill was divided into 2, with DP transferring his half to me. Now the mortgage has finished we looked at finances again. When I say we, basically DP came up with a plan and decided it was a done deal.
i will say that we would like to retire early 60’s. (We both have around 30 years NHS pension. ) Me hopefully at 60, DP a bit older as he hasn’t enough years for full state pension till 62. I have worked since I was 16, DP qualified at 26. Once DP gets something into his head that’s it he won’t listen to alternative views. Despite having NHS Pension and I also have a small private pension we need to, in DP’s head to save a good portion of our wages a month. I agree that we do need to save and I do need raining in a bit as I’m a bit of a spender, however DP is going completely over the top.
Basically what he has decided is, I will continue to pay bills and all of the food shopping petrol spends for the month which according to his budget spreadsheet should be around £3200 per month. As that is £400 more than I will earn he will transfer that to me, plus £1100 to pay for house renovations (our house is falling down around our ears since we prioritised paying off the mortgage) and money for holidays. So basically I have no money left for myself while he has approx £1700 left. He transfers that straight into our pension fund. If I overspend on our food and spends budget then DP says I just need to use the money he transfers for house and holiday fund.
Also both of our children are in university but at home. The youngest wants to go into student accommodation next year as it’s a bit of a trash for her to travel to university every day. DP has decided she’s a fool and has told her she can’t expect any money from us. At the back of my mind I am thinking he’s not concerned about her leaving home but more concerned that it may cost us money. The oldest he is also refusing to help out and has set up a spreadsheet for any money she owes us.
This is all doing my head in. I have told him there is times when you can’t help going over budget. I am aware however that I need to rain my spending in. He has become totally fixated on saving money but I have told him he’s coming across as a Scrooge, especially surrounding helping the DC’s financially through university. Or is he and I am the one being unreasonable.

To answer the title of the thread… yes I would!

The falling down house is concerning if they don't spend money to put it right while working/earning he won't spend the pension on it. Which means downsizing by selling a doer upper to someone prepared to invest in it.

@Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat is drowning disappearing down a plughole of poverty while surrounded by money . It will get so much worse once she retires

I don't think poverty usually involves £350 per month for entertainment.

Wow OP this man could organise the fun out of a wedding.

Have your morning coffee, help your kids, say no to his "arrangement"

Go 50/50 and with agreed plan for house renovations.

He has way too much control already.

Are they his kids OP? As it stands, if you die there does not appear to be any provision for them. Will he look after them financially? I would get some professional advice tbh.

I see they are his kids, nevertheless, if I’ve understood you correctly the house is owned jointly (joint tenants?) and the savings are “joint”. Would you be able to leave the kids anything in your Will or is it all co-owned by him?

We take home over a grand less. We give ds1 at university £100 a week and ds2, at university but staying home £50as he commutes.

We also have to top up ds1’s rent as loan doesn’t cover it.

He sounds like a joy to live with. Does he have debt that you don't know about, or could he be having an affair? Stand your ground. It's your money and they're your kids. Of course you should help them if they need it.

I’m sorry OP but fuck that. I work full time and I am in a role I worked very hard to achieve. No man is telling me how to spend even if it is in the name do having a comfy retirement. Everything should be split 50:50. If DH wants to bang what is left of his into his pensions, then that’s on him. You can spend yours how you like. Alternatively you both put something in your pension to build it further and you keep some back for both of you. Also if DH is banging £1700 a month into the pension then I suggest you make sure it’s a joint pension or you split that half half between your pension and his.

Sounds like a good deal - for him!

Do your own budget and explain to him how you want things to work financially in the future.
No reason for you to accept his take on things. You're in a partnership, you negotiate when you're not in agreement.

If he won't compromise and help come up with a plan together I'd split finances and stop sharing finances. He can split the savings into diffeeent saving accounts, and you both put in % in line with your earnings, for bills and also an amount for holidays and children's expenses. He can then choose to save what he has left and you can choose to help the dc out, although he should put some money aside for his children's expenses.

Transfer half of the saving account money to your own account - tell him that you are also getting some financial advice. This way you can control your fair share - and there would be no future issues. Only cover the same amount as he suggested from his side, but - sorry OP - with some strict budgeting. Bills, basic food. All other stuff, those should be an extra and fairly shared. Be open with the uni children. I am sorry, but if they can live at home, that is a big saving for them. They should be aware of it. For 4 people, even for adults, 3k plus is a lot without mortgage (and extras like holidays). 2k should be even a very comfortable amount. As a start, check what you bought last month, and cut all non-basic items, that would be the starting point.

Insist every bill is split in half. Then if he wants to save what is left of his wage he can. You do whatever you like with yours. If he demurs just buy your own food, the petol you use and half the household bills.
DP and I live in my house and use my car. I paid the mortgage, house insurance and car insurance, petrol etc. as he does not drive. Any other expenditure is split in two, even if it is for home improvement (he says we both have the benefit and he does not expect to have any claim on my house). After that we both spend our own money as we please.

I cannot believe that he has done a spreadsheet showing how much DC owe, most decent parents especially well off one will and should help their children; there is a balance in saving and being a scrooge as he's, not an endearing feature actual fact l would tell him to f.off

I think your partner is being financially abusive both to you and your children. The fact that you are having to not tell him what you give the children is bad.
As a parent you should be helping your children through university. I appreciate that some people can not afford to but you both clearly can.
Early retirement with such a tightwad is not going to be fun!

Yes, work on reining in your spending if you think it's a good idea.
No, don't agree to this budget.
Sort out a fair division, arrange your own debits and be prepared for tantrums

But stick to your guns. There's a good chance that once he's established himself as your financial boss he won't shift. Ever.

I was in this situation with my husband and it destroyed our marriage, because I tried to go along with it until I couldn't anymore. Put all your money in one (metaphorical) pot, include spending money, and each pays according to the percentage that goes in. If you need 500 spending money, then it comes out of the shared pot.

Marriage is a shared venture; he is treating it like a dictatorship. Come down hard on him; this behavior is not okay.

Op is not married to this man.
She is completely vulnerable.

The bit about the driving lessons & him coming out in a cold sweat made me howl 🤣 Why is he so hung up on being tight about everything - is there a reason? I could understand it if either of your jobs were at risk but you've no mortgage and that's a real good place to be in financially. The kids are grown up and at Uni, their fees are paid etc so it's basically maintenance they need, do either of them have a part time job? How come he doesn't know that you pay for their travel & toiletries - he sounds a bit controlling.

For me, I get the impression that your partner is panicked over the cost of living crisis and has gone into survival mode. However, that does not justify his behaviour which is controlling. I would suggest like the others to put forward an alternative budget, that allows for both of you to have spending money as well as offering your children some money to support them at university. I didn’t ask for a penny off my parents when I was at university but they did come through with the money from time to time and helped me out when I was really struggling and I was glad of it. I think the joint account for the bills is a good idea and maybe he can be put in charge of making sure the weekly shop is within budget or perhaps the renovations themselves as he clearly needs something to control finance-wise. Finally, take that morning coffee, you work in the NHS and it’s a stressful job - you need it!

Unfortunately, being together this long will mean absolutely nothing if something happens to him. It has just happened to my SIL. 30 years, seriously ill in ITC overnight and died. Not married and not entitled to any of his estate. Those savings need to go into a joint account at the very minimum. You should put an equal amount into a joint account to pay all the bills etc. Also, what kind of father won’t help his daughter at university? I’d be questioning longevity with someone so mean.

It is "to not" rather than "not not". You need to be correct if public forum pedantry is your thing.

Can you imagine how much fun early retirement with him will be - he will be counting every penny. You will end up going back to work….

😆😆