To tell him to stick his budget up his jacksie

[Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat]

I will start off to say I am aware that I am in a fortunate position financially so don’t wish to offend anyone.
DP and I are on the same pay scale within the NHS, however he earns about £300 a month more than me due to overtime. The trust I work for discourages payment for extra hrs so I tend to take time back for extra hours worked. I am happy with this.
we have separate bank accounts but share finances. Previous to this year DP paid the mortgage and I paid most of the bills. Food, petrol and living expenses went on my credit card which was paid off every month. The bill was divided into 2, with DP transferring his half to me. Now the mortgage has finished we looked at finances again. When I say we, basically DP came up with a plan and decided it was a done deal.
i will say that we would like to retire early 60’s. (We both have around 30 years NHS pension. ) Me hopefully at 60, DP a bit older as he hasn’t enough years for full state pension till 62. I have worked since I was 16, DP qualified at 26. Once DP gets something into his head that’s it he won’t listen to alternative views. Despite having NHS Pension and I also have a small private pension we need to, in DP’s head to save a good portion of our wages a month. I agree that we do need to save and I do need raining in a bit as I’m a bit of a spender, however DP is going completely over the top.
Basically what he has decided is, I will continue to pay bills and all of the food shopping petrol spends for the month which according to his budget spreadsheet should be around £3200 per month. As that is £400 more than I will earn he will transfer that to me, plus £1100 to pay for house renovations (our house is falling down around our ears since we prioritised paying off the mortgage) and money for holidays. So basically I have no money left for myself while he has approx £1700 left. He transfers that straight into our pension fund. If I overspend on our food and spends budget then DP says I just need to use the money he transfers for house and holiday fund.
Also both of our children are in university but at home. The youngest wants to go into student accommodation next year as it’s a bit of a trash for her to travel to university every day. DP has decided she’s a fool and has told her she can’t expect any money from us. At the back of my mind I am thinking he’s not concerned about her leaving home but more concerned that it may cost us money. The oldest he is also refusing to help out and has set up a spreadsheet for any money she owes us.
This is all doing my head in. I have told him there is times when you can’t help going over budget. I am aware however that I need to rain my spending in. He has become totally fixated on saving money but I have told him he’s coming across as a Scrooge, especially surrounding helping the DC’s financially through university. Or is he and I am the one being unreasonable.

You read like a smart woman, however I think you are in a very precarious financial position.
Unmarried, as you are, I would be telling your partner that you would like your 50% of the savings for yourself ASAP.
And then I would rejig the finances, let him save whatever he wants, but you need to have a reasonable budget for yourselves to live on without him telling you the additional comes out of x/y/z.
Budgeting isn't particularly easy at the moment. Food shopping that cost £97 last month might cost you £101 this month. Are you just supposed to say, ah well we can do without the packet on minced beef we need for Thursdays tea then? ... or as he decides, it's coming from the savings for house repairs or holiday. Oh, no we won't worry about the roof because the food shopping has risen by x amount in the past 2 years. ....where are you going on holiday next summer? ...oh we initially thought Mexico, but cost of living has meant we're going to Skegness instead.
Don't even get me started on the not wanting to pay adequately for uni aged kids.

He sounds really, really mean OP and I'm concerned if these are thoughts he is happy to air, what is he doing behind your back with your savings? I'd almost guarantee that you will never get 50% of what's saved.

Of course your partner thinks you should DIY your wills.
I think a solicitor should peruse your joint assets.
Maybe they'll bring to light what, and where everything really is.
I don't think he's being honest with you.

I hope you’ve nominated your Dc to receive your lump sum then - as clearly if he gets his hands on it they won’t see any of it!

Agreed, I think it's really important to work on the assumption he will continue to try and hoard all money for himself

Are you intending to support your children all on your own out of your own money only or have you actually confronted your DP?

If it is you alone footing the bill and they are living at home £100.00 a month seems fine that’s what I paid my DS every month for emptying the dishwasher since he was 12.

However, your youngest wants to live in Uni accommodation and if she was my daughter I would make it clear her not being able to do this is down to her Dad not fulfilling his duties as a parent and what is expected of parents if you earn over 70k and you have a teenager at Uni.

This post has really made me sad for you and your daughters I would be unable to live with a person so controlling and miserly as you’re DP.

Have you discussed driving lessons with your daughters? Teaching them yourself? It just seems you are all trapped in hell to me.

OP I can't see if you have answered the question about ownership of the property. Who is on the deeds? Are you joint tenants or tenants in common? What is the inheritance plan for the property? Do you own the property 50:50?
You must get legal advice on this and get your wills written correctly. Also, consider what happens if one of you dies and the other subsequently gets married! Even the most unlikely things can happen. You need to make provision for the children that can't be undone by a new partner coming on the scene.

See OP's post at 20:46 yesterday

It’s neither rain or reign (what a monarch does) it’s rein!

As in reins for a horse, to hold them back, which is what he wants to do with all spending 😬

Are both uni kids getting student maintenance loan? They should be doing their own spends out of that.
If they move to student accoomodation may need topping up
Who pays their mobile?

Rein it in . 😂.

The rent for halls two years ago was £180 per week, plus near 10k for tuition fees, it's means tested. I'm surmising that the parents income is taken into account which affects grants. You don't get a pass for subsequent children. We worked on a budget of 20k for our DS

I am currently paying their mobiles and oldest DC’s contact lenses. DP doesn’t know this.

I'd tell him to fuck off.

Pay the bills jointly and save separately.

Him using every penny you earn while putting his wage into what you call "our" pension fund could see you getting royally screwed over

Tell him, you're not blowing it on anything frivolous are you

Their daughters choices in life are stifled by their fathers controlling miserly nature. The OP is trying to counteract his financial abuse by giving them some breathing space by giving them money from just her wages however, her DP is trying to dictate how she spends her wages!

The parents bring in £5900.00 take home each month with no mortgage and the OP can’t even tell her DP that she pays for her daughters toiletries and travel because she is scared of his reaction.

Her DP refuses to give any financial aid, no help if they want to move out and live nearer Uni, no driving lessons and everything spent extra to house and food added to a spreadsheet which will have to be repaid in the future under his family REIGN! This is even considering that after bills they have £2700.00 left every month. This is not normal in family life and I hope the daughters can see this for the financial abuse that it is.

What would he do if you refused?

You don't have to obey him.

You could say no I will not be doing that.

What would happen?

When the physical passion goes out of a marriage/relationship some men weigh up financial gains and losses re the relationship. Are you worth hanging onto or would a house keeper be cheaper.

She says "house is in both our names". That doesn't address any of the other issues that need to be included during the process of writing the wills. Particularly in the case of partners who are not married. It is perfectly fine not to be married, but it does mean that the specifics of property ownership need to be clearly addressed.

Is no-one else uncomfortable about the fact that the OP's (large) amount for monthly bills includes money that she doesn't tell her husband she gives the children?

I can clearly see reasons he can be criticised, but if he is trying to work out budgets to maximise their pensions and doesn't know where the money is going he may be finding things very stressful.

She’s frightened of his reaction to her spending money on their daughters that’s the uncomfortable bit she’s trying her best. Probably masks it in the food shopping.

Which is appalling. Whats he going to do lock her in the cellar or the attic

Christ on a bike, OP. You’re in such a precarious position. He has it all.

You’re falling out over this. His behaviour is unreasonable. Are you sure you want to trust him?

Of course he wants to do it DIY, it's cheap. Please don't, get it done professionally.

Please do what PPs suggest and set up your own savings account. The one your DP set up isn't a pension fund. It's a savings account in his name. I know you trust him but he could meet another woman and walk off with the money. Even if he doesn't do anything like that, he'll be in control of the cash and you won't be able to spend it. It will be entirely his.

Not sure why you're asking about how much to give the dc. They're living at home, surely you're paying their living expenses. What's really concerning is that your P seems to think they should be paying you back (the spreadsheet thing is dreadful). He wants the kids to pay back the money he spent on being a parent. I find that despicable.

Most parents save money to support their kids through university. Yours will only get the minimum student loan because of your incomes. The rest has to come from somewhere and most parents make up the difference. Look at the money saving expert website.

BTW it's rein in not reign!

It’s very strange it’s like DP has held her captive financially speaking with the premise of paying off the mortgage even at the detriment of their falling down house and helping his own children other than with the basics of food and shelter. Now the mortgage is paid off DP has found another financial ruse to keep her captive to his miserly ways. It’s almost like she has financial Stockholm Syndrome (if that even exists). OP works hard and has done since she was 16 and yet has to bow down to her DP’s financial demands in fear of his retribution. It’s so financially abusive and the family dynamics must be scary to live with.

It would make more sense to pay AVCs into actual pension funds to get the tax benefits than have a joint savings account.

I can see how he can become very focussed on retiral saving (I can be sometimes too!) once you reach an age that you are thinking about pensions and potential target ages to retire.

Surely after 25 years together the pair of you should be pooling all your finances and agreeing what your combined goals are (including if/how much you will support your children) and maximising your joint available income together rather than working against each other in silos where one side is a spender for life now and the other is a saver for the future. Sounds like you both have to make compromises, and need a better way of financially planning together.