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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think class rep is being homophobic?

675 replies

fuckedoffandworried · 02/11/2023 18:18

DC has just started school. Another child in the class has two mums, I’ll call them A and B. We have a class rep who volunteered earlier in the term and collected contact numbers for the other class parents for a WhatsApp group, which is mostly the mums but a few dads too. A and B both do the school run, it’s probably A most days but B is there at least once a week. A and B are both in the WhatsApp group and both reply to messages pretty equally. The class rep is organising two social events and posted about them in the WhatsApp group last week. One for the mums and one for the dads. Most of the dads aren’t in the WhatsApp group, so the class rep asked in there for mums to send over contact numbers for their partners or kids dads so that the dads evening could be organised. A few of the kids in DCs class have divorced parents, so I think the idea is so both parents can be involved with other class parents. The class rep has made a separate WhatsApp group for the mums event and her DH has made one for the dads. They put A in the mums group for the mums event and B in the dads group for the dads event.

B asked if this was a mistake in the main WhatsApp group, and the class rep has come back saying that it’s not a mistake, it’s because she and some of the other mums have agreed it wouldn’t be fair for her and A to both come to the mums event. Most of the mums don’t know each other very well, and they want everyone to be in the same boat and mix with each other. They’re saying no bringing your partner to either the mums or the dads event, so A can’t bring B. The class rep has said she’s put A in the mums group and B in the dads group because she thought B would fit in better with the dads than A. A and B have both said they won’t be going.

AIBU to think this is homophobia and let the class teacher know?

OP posts:
titchy · 02/11/2023 18:46

fuckedoffandworried · 02/11/2023 18:36

Sorry to dripfeed, I should have said that I and a few others have already challenged the class rep about this in the WhatsApp group. She isn’t budging, so we declined and told her why.

The class rep got this role because she volunteered when the class teacher asked if anyone would like to do it. She’s been given guidance about the role and info about school events to pass on from the class teacher. Surely I can report to the class teacher? If I were her and this was the attitude some of the parents of kids in my class had about another child’s family setup, I would want to know.

Why don't you arrange an alternative mum event on the same evening? Grin

Fionaville · 02/11/2023 18:48

Wow the class rep is being an absolute dickhead! I'd stick up for the two mums publicly and I'd definitely bring it up with the class teacher. Why would mum b want to be with the dads?? It's terrible.

Tooshytoshine · 02/11/2023 18:48

As a gay parent (2 women) just let the couple decide whether they want to challenge this.

This shit happens all the time. It is not their first rodeo. I was on a mums WhatsApp group where they were organising a spa day. People openly voiced concerns that I would be present and essentially perving. I made a joke that I was out of their league and not to flatter themselves - they seemed sheepish after that. (I actually hate spa days as I find them deathly dull and inane without decent company).

The best thing to do is just make an effort to say hello at the school gates - perhaps suggest a smaller night out with more like minded parents as to be perfectly honest nobody wants to have to make small talk with a bigot.

I also enjoy the company of men. I would find the segregation of men and women very tedious - surely we have evolved beyond this dynamic.

Capz · 02/11/2023 18:49

My DCs school used to have a golf day for the dads and a spa day for the mums. I have no interest in taking a day off work for either, but challenged the sexism and was listened to. Plenty of dads went on the spa day this year and a few mums golfed, and some grandparents who are involved in school runs also got involved. Definitely challenge this. Family units come in lots of variations.

SomersetBrie · 02/11/2023 18:49

Organise two more events, A and B. Invite everyone you like to A, male and female and then add the class rep and her cronies to event B "because that's a better fit for them".

Original poster
fuckedoffandworried · 02/11/2023 18:50

pigsDOfly · 02/11/2023 18:44

Fgs. Someone needs to point out to the class rep that these women are both mums and therefore should both be in the mums' group.

B isn't some sort of surrogate 'dad'. Why the hell would she want to be lumped in with a load of men.

Sounds like class rep wants to make it sufficiently uncomfortable for A & B so that they feel squeezed out and end up not attending anything.

Class rep is a nasty judgemental ignoramus. And yes, it's homophobic.

Not that it’s any of anyone else’s business and it obviously doesn’t make a difference, but I would be shocked if B isn’t actually the mum who gave birth. A and B’s child is the spitting image of B. But yes I do think for whatever reason, the class rep has decided that B is the “man” in the relationship. I wouldn’t describe either of them as masculine presenting.

OP posts:
Smileatthesmallthings · 02/11/2023 18:50

As a mum in a 2 mum family, thank you for pointing out how awful this is. I'd say if you have only spoken to the rep privately then message on the main WhatsApp group so that the other parents, and also the 2mums in question, can see.

IncompleteSenten · 02/11/2023 18:50

Lovely.
Also that she's been talking with other parents about it.
Nice.
Yes she should complain. They are mums and belong in the mums group.

C8H10N4O2 · 02/11/2023 18:52

fuckedoffandworried · 02/11/2023 18:36

Sorry to dripfeed, I should have said that I and a few others have already challenged the class rep about this in the WhatsApp group. She isn’t budging, so we declined and told her why.

The class rep got this role because she volunteered when the class teacher asked if anyone would like to do it. She’s been given guidance about the role and info about school events to pass on from the class teacher. Surely I can report to the class teacher? If I were her and this was the attitude some of the parents of kids in my class had about another child’s family setup, I would want to know.

If its a school appointed/sponsored role for sharing information then yes take it up with the head.

I wouldn't be surprised if they say "social stuff nothing to do with us" in which case class rep needs to stop using it for socials and set up a separate group.

If the homophobia has been challenged on group and ignored the boycott the events and everything on the group which isn't directly to do with school information sharing - hopefully most of the men will do the same.

Ilovelurchers · 02/11/2023 18:53

Catacapa · 02/11/2023 18:43

I'm a teacher and if this is being reported it needs to go to the head (or deputy) not a class teacher. The teacher would only speak to the head anyway. Well done for standing up for the other mums - I know it should be a given but sometimes it's not easy.

This - I work in a school and my head teacher would be all over this shit, in a way the class teacher just can't be.

The class rep woman sounds insanely mental and awful, by the way. Feel so sorry for the two moms couple - especially the poor woman who was told she would "fit in better with the blokes". Jesus.

As a side note, my daughter's dad HATED having to go on the dads' nights, just as I hated the moms' ones. He much preferred the moms. (Slept with a few of them and now lives with one as it happens, but we are over that now!) The gender stereotyping thing is insane. Just have a parents' night out, and people go if they want to, as singles, couples, throuples - whatever they want!

Userwithallthenumbers · 02/11/2023 18:53

Organise a separate, inclusive event on the same night. Let homophobic mum squirm as everyone moves over to your event. If they don't, you have identified the homophobes and those willing not to stand up to it.

Spareus · 02/11/2023 18:55

Outrageous, why aren’t the other mums stepping up and telling homophobe mum to pipe down and fuck right off

godmum56 · 02/11/2023 18:55

utterly bonkers all of it.

Optionyougot · 02/11/2023 18:56

In your position I'd make the school aware, the head rather than the teacher.
I'd also decline the event and state clearly that I think excluding one mum on the basis of being in a same sex relationship to be bullying and homophobic. I'd be careful to word it so that it is about how the class reps behaviour makes me feel, to try to avoid putting mums a and b into a position where they feel they need to respond.

spirit20 · 02/11/2023 18:57

This is completely out of order, but I agree with other posters - the class teacher isn't going to be able to do anything about it and even if they could, it's not their job.

Vistada · 02/11/2023 18:59

This is gross! She needs stripping of being class rep immediately.

Vile

Ivegone · 02/11/2023 19:01

Spareus · 02/11/2023 18:55

Outrageous, why aren’t the other mums stepping up and telling homophobe mum to pipe down and fuck right off

I’d hazard a guess because

  1. some agree with her

  2. some don’t agree with her but don’t think it’s homophobia or a big deal.

  3. some think it’s totally awful but don’t want to align themselves with people in the group that others view as lesser or weaker, in case people turn against them.

  4. some think it’s awful and would say something if it was only them, but their kids have to go to school with the other parents kids and they don’t want them to not be invited to stuff.

  5. some may be worried that if they are vocal in support people might think they are gay/bi and that would be embarrassing.

  6. many will see, roll their eyes and ignore because they don’t want to get involved in drama.

coconutpie · 02/11/2023 19:01

Have you challenged the homophobia on the group chat or just privately? If privately, then I would be challenging it on the group chat with the following message:

So just so I'm clear - X (homophobic class rep), you are organising a mums night out and a dads night out. You have decided that B, a mum, should not be invited to the mums night and she would be better suited to the dads night. I will be reporting your homophobic discrimination to the head of the school and I will not be attending this event as you are excluding a mum simply because she is in a same-sex couple. To all the other parents in this group - I sincerely hope that you all agree with me on this and stand by B on this very serious matter.

CaramelMac · 02/11/2023 19:02

Why are people so weird? What’s the big deal if they both go, so they know each other better than everyone else, so what?!

Moro93 · 02/11/2023 19:02

I do agree that if the other children are only allowed one parent to attend then others shouldn’t be allowed two, regardless of gender. They could have just asked if only one of them could attend so it wasn’t unfair to the other children.

However, I also agree that it was completely inappropriate to put one of the mums into the dad group. I’d say this is homophobic.

It seems really old fashioned anyway to divide groups by gender. Why not just a parent group? When we have events/visits at our kid’s school, it’s never just mums or dads. It’s families or parents that are invited to attend, gender doesn’t matter.

BlurredEdges · 02/11/2023 19:02

Ilovelurchers · 02/11/2023 18:53

This - I work in a school and my head teacher would be all over this shit, in a way the class teacher just can't be.

The class rep woman sounds insanely mental and awful, by the way. Feel so sorry for the two moms couple - especially the poor woman who was told she would "fit in better with the blokes". Jesus.

As a side note, my daughter's dad HATED having to go on the dads' nights, just as I hated the moms' ones. He much preferred the moms. (Slept with a few of them and now lives with one as it happens, but we are over that now!) The gender stereotyping thing is insane. Just have a parents' night out, and people go if they want to, as singles, couples, throuples - whatever they want!

Show quote history

That post was a wild ride

minipie · 02/11/2023 19:04

CaramelMac I’m guessing the issue is that then some of the other mums would say they want their partners there too, and for whatever reason class rep doesn’t want to do an event for all parents.

DrSeuss · 02/11/2023 19:05

Just awful. Certainly homophobic. I would post a message stating that I will not attend if they do not think again. I bet that, should you do so, lots of others join you having been too scared to speak up first. Find the school policy on bullying and point out that it should not just apply to kids. At the school where I work we teach that it's wrong to be a bystander.

SweeetFemaleAttitude · 02/11/2023 19:05

I’d probably switch with my dh groups and attend with b and encourage some others to do the same…

Moro93 · 02/11/2023 19:05

I’m not sure if I’ve understood fully, are the events just for mums/dads? Or will the kids be there as well?
If the kids are there then I think only one of them going is fair, but if it’s only other mums then there shouldn’t be an issue with both going.