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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think class rep is being homophobic?

675 replies

fuckedoffandworried · 02/11/2023 18:18

DC has just started school. Another child in the class has two mums, I’ll call them A and B. We have a class rep who volunteered earlier in the term and collected contact numbers for the other class parents for a WhatsApp group, which is mostly the mums but a few dads too. A and B both do the school run, it’s probably A most days but B is there at least once a week. A and B are both in the WhatsApp group and both reply to messages pretty equally. The class rep is organising two social events and posted about them in the WhatsApp group last week. One for the mums and one for the dads. Most of the dads aren’t in the WhatsApp group, so the class rep asked in there for mums to send over contact numbers for their partners or kids dads so that the dads evening could be organised. A few of the kids in DCs class have divorced parents, so I think the idea is so both parents can be involved with other class parents. The class rep has made a separate WhatsApp group for the mums event and her DH has made one for the dads. They put A in the mums group for the mums event and B in the dads group for the dads event.

B asked if this was a mistake in the main WhatsApp group, and the class rep has come back saying that it’s not a mistake, it’s because she and some of the other mums have agreed it wouldn’t be fair for her and A to both come to the mums event. Most of the mums don’t know each other very well, and they want everyone to be in the same boat and mix with each other. They’re saying no bringing your partner to either the mums or the dads event, so A can’t bring B. The class rep has said she’s put A in the mums group and B in the dads group because she thought B would fit in better with the dads than A. A and B have both said they won’t be going.

AIBU to think this is homophobia and let the class teacher know?

OP posts:
ViaRia01 · 02/11/2023 19:38

Sounds like the power has gone to the class rep’s head! “I’ve decided that…” “some of the mums agree that…”
this idea that it wouldn’t be fair for both a and b to go to the same event because some mums don’t know anyone makes no sense…. Perhaps another mum has other friends also going, perhaps her neighbour is going to be there, or her sister in law-are they all going to be separated as well?!

maybe there’s a mum who is really outgoing and can start chatting to anyone? Is she going to be uninvited to make other shy, lonely mums feel less awkward?

HowToSaveAWife · 02/11/2023 19:39

Awful behaviour by the class "rep". I'd be bowing out of this nonsense and explaining to the teacher/head of year exactly why. I'd also probably message A or B privately and just let them know you think the behaviour is egregious. They've been put in such an awkward position because of a thoughtless arsehole. Fuckin wow.

Boomboom22 · 02/11/2023 19:39

Funny how the class rep already knows some of the mums well enough to have had private chats with them to designate one mum as dad though.
So they know each other?

EC22 · 02/11/2023 19:42

Cringe.

MrsHarrisAParis · 02/11/2023 19:42

Ivegone · 02/11/2023 19:32

Doesn’t surprise me at all. My sons old school has mum only events often- the dads might organise their own events.

And this kind of casual othering and forcing of heteronormative structures is an everyday occurrence.

Show quote history

Not in any of our schools. It sounds as though some of you live in the 1950s.

nibblessquibbles · 02/11/2023 19:44

OMG this is batshit. So this is to account for divorced parents? Who have to meet each other for parent evenings etc? I'm divorced and I didn't want to see my ex at a social event so we'd just alternate events. Generally would be whoever didn't have the kids would go.
Rep can organise 2 dates and have a "turn up to the most convenient" system so people just pick a date! But this girls and boys thing is just so outdated. It also makes no sense as for example a SAHD may want to connect with some of the SAHM so they can coordinate drop offs or playdates etc so all this gender bollix is just so last century.

Ivegone · 02/11/2023 19:47

MrsHarrisAParis · 02/11/2023 19:42

Not in any of our schools. It sounds as though some of you live in the 1950s.

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Your schools don’t do split events (or the parents don’t organise their own separate events)

or there isn’t othering of gay parents?

You must be in a more forward thinking part of the country to me!

DogInATent · 02/11/2023 19:48

fuckedoffandworried · 02/11/2023 19:29

Not as far as I’m aware? Definitely only one DC at this school.

I think the two separate mums and dads events are because there are a few divorced parents in the class who can’t be in the same room as each other, it’s so both parents can be involved if they want to without having to see the other. But the events are very stereotyped men’s and women’s socials.

I’ve sent B a private message on WhatsApp but she hasn’t opened it.

Show quote history

Is the Class Rep one of the divorcees with a problem relationship with their ex by any chance?

Otherwise this seems like a sledgehammer to crack a nut, rather than rely on parents to sort out their own attendance decisions.

FlamingoQueen · 02/11/2023 19:49

You need to say something - supposing the child had 2 dads - would one of the men be forced into the ladies group? This person needs stripping of her role immediately. Appalled beyond belief - how awful must the 2 mums be feeling.

Original poster
fuckedoffandworried · 02/11/2023 19:49

A and B didn’t know any other class parents before September, as far as I know anyway. The delegating B as the dad thing seems to have come from A being the one who does most of the school runs and her being the more “girly” one. Neither of them are masculine presenting but A dresses more typical feminine than B iyswim. A is also the more outgoing one with the other mums at drop off and pick up, B is more reserved.

A and B have already said in the WhatsApp group they’re hurt and offended by it and won’t be going. Those of us who have said we think it’s wrong arent assuming A and B aren’t happy with it, they’ve said it themselves. They just haven’t picked a fight over it. They haven’t contributed to the WhatsApp group since.

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 02/11/2023 19:52

So there's a mums event and a dads event.

Therefore events for males and females.

But the mum, female of one pupil had to attend to dad's event.

But men can't bring their woman to the men's and vice versa.

Yes - she's being a complete knob. It needs challenging.

But I go with a simple "event 1 is for the mums. Both A and B are mums to pupil X. Therefore they should both attend."

And I'd hope to god every other mum refused to attend unless both A and B were included - I would!

Buttons232 · 02/11/2023 19:54

Well yeah it is, but from my experience of mum’s and dad’s nights/ WhatsApp and Facebook groups/ events/ PTA’s etc the two mums have dodged a massive bullet 😂

Stay well away from that sh** . It will only ever end in tears ( if not bruises 😂)

nibblessquibbles · 02/11/2023 19:54

Well done OP for also speaking out as clearly A and B are upset and I am sure they are grateful that they are not being isolated and others also see how batshit a system it is! I'd mention it to the class teacher or head too

Topsyturvy78 · 02/11/2023 19:55

That's terrible I wouldn't blame them if they put a complaint in. Think they need a new rep

itsgettingweird · 02/11/2023 19:56

The interesting thing is I would bet a kidney on the fact if there were 2 dads for a pupil none of the woman - especially the class rep - would want one of the dads at the mums/woman's event.

Springforward1 · 02/11/2023 19:56

Dredful but there again I wouldn't be attending an event where the organisers were splitting up couples according to gender. Is it beyond them to consider events suitable for everyone to attend at the same time?

lwishyouwould · 02/11/2023 19:59

I really hope everyone declines both events and sets up another.
You all need to complain to the school and get this twat booted out as class rep.

Shinytaps · 02/11/2023 20:00

This is absolutely terrible. I can hardly believe it’s real! You and others should be standing up to this bullying behaviour. The poor couple shouldn’t have to deal with this crap - a show of solidarity is needed.

MrsHarrisAParis · 02/11/2023 20:01

Ivegone · 02/11/2023 19:47

Your schools don’t do split events (or the parents don’t organise their own separate events)

or there isn’t othering of gay parents?

You must be in a more forward thinking part of the country to me!

Show quote history

There is one annual fundraising event that is female-only but it's not limited to parents. And all other events are mixed. Each year has a different WhatsApp group but they're not separated by sex.
The world is heteronormative - I'm not naive that there may be issues within the wider school culture - but we don't other gay parents in the WhatsApp group. People would be genuinely appalled if that happened.

CowboyJoanna · 02/11/2023 20:08

Is B more butch? That might be why she was put in the dads group,

But what I'm more bothered by is... why is some wet-behind-the-ears child being encouraged to talk directly to the parents and collect their phone numbers anyway? Helloooo safeguarding

Original poster
fuckedoffandworried · 02/11/2023 20:09

We don’t have separate class WhatsApp groups by gender. The general class parents chat is still happening in the main WhatsApp group, the separate chats by gender are just for these social events.

The class rep isn’t one of the divorced parents who can’t get on with their ex, but one of the mums she’s often talking to at drop off and pick up is unsurprisingly.

OP posts:
Meowandthen · 02/11/2023 20:10

That’s awful behaviour. Actually really unpleasant. I’d speak out to say it’s unfair and inappropriate.

Is this kind of “forced” parental get-together normal for most people? That sound hellish to me.

Original poster
fuckedoffandworried · 02/11/2023 20:11

B isn’t butch at all. I mean more that I’ve never seen B in a dress or a skirt, A dresses more typically feminine out of the two of them. But B wears jewellery, makeup, styles her hair etc.

OP posts:
windypumpkin · 02/11/2023 20:12

Does the school have an inclusion officer?

CowboyJoanna · 02/11/2023 20:13

fuckedoffandworried · 02/11/2023 20:09

We don’t have separate class WhatsApp groups by gender. The general class parents chat is still happening in the main WhatsApp group, the separate chats by gender are just for these social events.

The class rep isn’t one of the divorced parents who can’t get on with their ex, but one of the mums she’s often talking to at drop off and pick up is unsurprisingly.

The class rep isn’t one of the divorced parents who can’t get on with their ex,

He's a fucking CHILD. A STUDENT.