To think class rep is being homophobic?

[fuckedoffandworried]

DC has just started school. Another child in the class has two mums, I’ll call them A and B. We have a class rep who volunteered earlier in the term and collected contact numbers for the other class parents for a WhatsApp group, which is mostly the mums but a few dads too. A and B both do the school run, it’s probably A most days but B is there at least once a week. A and B are both in the WhatsApp group and both reply to messages pretty equally. The class rep is organising two social events and posted about them in the WhatsApp group last week. One for the mums and one for the dads. Most of the dads aren’t in the WhatsApp group, so the class rep asked in there for mums to send over contact numbers for their partners or kids dads so that the dads evening could be organised. A few of the kids in DCs class have divorced parents, so I think the idea is so both parents can be involved with other class parents. The class rep has made a separate WhatsApp group for the mums event and her DH has made one for the dads. They put A in the mums group for the mums event and B in the dads group for the dads event.

B asked if this was a mistake in the main WhatsApp group, and the class rep has come back saying that it’s not a mistake, it’s because she and some of the other mums have agreed it wouldn’t be fair for her and A to both come to the mums event. Most of the mums don’t know each other very well, and they want everyone to be in the same boat and mix with each other. They’re saying no bringing your partner to either the mums or the dads event, so A can’t bring B. The class rep has said she’s put A in the mums group and B in the dads group because she thought B would fit in better with the dads than A. A and B have both said they won’t be going.

AIBU to think this is homophobia and let the class teacher know?

You’ve defended the class rep the whole way through the thread, while giving the OP a hard time, and basically accusing her of acting in bad faith.

But speaking of ‘abhorrent’, well done on getting deleted.

You must be joking? Every comment you've tried to find excuses for homophobia whilst simultaneously being offended over the word witch which actually isn't even recognised as solely used about religion. Also most wicca don't say magic or wizards etc so I'm not entirely convinced of any integrity there tbh.

So no chance of your answering some pertinent questions, then?

You seem to think the class rep's behaviour was or may have been OK, so it's difficult to work out what sort of comparison you are making with people on this thread.

What questions do you want answering?

Do you think people’s treatment of me on this thread has been ok? Because everyone I’ve shown it to has categorised it as bullying behaviour.

It's insensitive at best! Needs addressing straight away. They are both mums abd should both be invited in the mums group

A and b should both state. " we will both be attending rhe mums function "

Multiple people just so happen to disagree with you.

If you think that’s bullying, then maybe discussion forums aren’t for you.

As I said upthread, if you’re finding that multiple people - wholly unconnected with each other - are disagreeing with you, then maybe it’s time for some self-reflection.

Hope the OP has gone to the head teacher to complain about this, rather than the class teacher. Thinking about the child in this class that has two mums, it's hard to see why this person should be allowed to continue as the "class rep" - they're obviously prejudiced and incapable of treating all the other parents equally. What's to stop other parents setting up alternative Whatsapp groups/ social events?

re the separate sex groups. I have repeatedly said that the groups shouldn’t have been split according to sex, then this issue wouldn’t have arisen. What is the need to do that?
I don’t know why you keep bringing this up.

The thread is about what actually happened, whether it was homophobic and, if so, what (if anything) should be done.

Imagining a set of circumstances in which the issue never arose in the first place isn’t particularly useful.

The questions in the post quoted?

Yes, I think people are allowed to disagree with you and say why without being described as bullies.

I’m not trawling back through the bullying comments (I’m sorry you can’t tell the difference between disagreement and bullying. I’m happy to explain if you need help)

Do please repost the questions if you want the answered.

The way you try to deny that someone who makes homophobic comments like "are you raising your child to be gay" and "which one is the man", as well as deciding she doesn't want to let her son go to a playdate with someone after finding out he has two mothers (a complete coincidence I'm sure) is quite telling.

Ah thank you,

I think I’ve answered these several times but appreciate the answers might have been lost in the pile on.

cancellation of play date. We have no idea why this was cancelled. I’ve had to cancel quite a few play dates over the years and we’ve had several cancelled on us. I can categorically state I’ve never cancelled any because of any personal feelings towards the parents including for reasons regarding their sexuality. I’ve no idea why people have cancelled on us, I wouldn’t sit there wondering why - there could be 1001 reasons why, no one apart from the class rep knows.

Re the comments about the upbringing of a child or which is the “man” these sound very much like they’re well intentioned questions borne out of ignorance rather than any attempt to be nasty or discriminatory. Yes they aren’t really expected questions In 2023. In 1983 maybe! But some people have no experience of single sex couples and single sex couples with a child. I thi no it’s disingenuous to suggest that everyone automatically knows the “right” questions to ask.

This could have been handled so much better by all parties. We only have a third hand description of most of the events here from one perspective.

it’s disappointing that so many women have responded to suggestions that we take a step back and look at all possible perspectives with such venom. I understand that people have had bad experiences regarding peoples attitudes but that doesn’t excuse the kind of bullying (and it is bullying) that has happened here. The thread has turned from talking about the class rep to attack after attack on me. My inbox is full of notifications from this thread it’s disgusting and laughable at the same time. If people can’t see the hypocrisy of their actions (which I’ve tried to repeatedly illustrate on here) then really there’s little hope. I feel extremely sorry for people trapped in that mindset.

The accusations of homophobia repeatedly thrown at me are actually laughable if you knew my person situation. But people are too busy using me as an emotional punchbag to even query that!

cancellation of play date. We have no idea why this was cancelled. I’ve had to cancel quite a few play dates over the years and we’ve had several cancelled on us. I can categorically state I’ve never cancelled any because of any personal feelings towards the parents including for reasons regarding their sexuality. I’ve no idea why people have cancelled on us, I wouldn’t sit there wondering why - there could be 1001 reasons why, no one apart from the class rep knows.

You don't actually believe that do you? That this woman just happened to avoid a playdate after finding out they're a couple and then started to make homophobic comments about raising a child to be gay and giving them a gay name.

I have a feeling if this woman started walking around wearing a "god hates fags" teacher you'd find a way to twist it into maybe she just doesn't like smoking.

cancellation of play date. We have no idea why this was cancelled. I’ve had to cancel quite a few play dates over the years and we’ve had several cancelled on us. I can categorically state I’ve never cancelled any because of any personal feelings towards the parents including for reasons regarding their sexuality. I’ve no idea why people have cancelled on us, I wouldn’t sit there wondering why - there could be 1001 reasons why, no one apart from the class rep knows.

Re the comments about the upbringing of a child or which is the “man” these sound very much like they’re well intentioned questions borne out of ignorance rather than any attempt to be nasty or discriminatory. Yes they aren’t really expected questions In 2023. In 1983 maybe! But some people have no experience of single sex couples and single sex couples with a child. I thi no it’s disingenuous to suggest that everyone automatically knows the “right” questions to ask.

Even if the playdate cancellation was accidental;

even if every single comment was attributable entirely to well-intentioned ignorance;

even if the Class Rep had genuinely thought that B would prefer to be the only mum not allowed to join the mum’s group,

the comments and mums group incident would still be a pattern of inadvertent homophobic behaviour, with several people drawing the apparent homophobia to the Class Reps attention. She would still be aware that she had deeply offended A and B. It would still be appropriate, at this stage, to inform whatever person the Class Rep is responsible to in her role.

This could have been handled so much better by all parties.
What exactly do you consider that A and B have done wrong? How could they have handled it ‘so much better’?

point to a single homophobic thing I’ve said.

You said that a&b should have been asked what they wanted to do (ie, what they were going to do to make the situation more comfortable for the straight couples). Then you suggested they disadvantage themselves by taking turns to attend, again in order to make everything more convenient and comfortable for the straight couples.

If you think this is reasonable, and presumably you do since they are your suggestions, then you are homophobic.

No it doesn’t make me homophobic. It makes me understand that there are lots of different perspectives at play here. Someone is trying to balance everyone’s requests from what I can tell.

It appears there are a number of different requests that cannot all be accommodated. Therefore someone will always lose out, this entails compromise.

You will note that I have repeatedly said the preferred option for me would be to have a mixed group, ie men and women. This would obviously disadvantage those who don’t want to socialise with their ex. But they could take it in turns. That way both mums would be in a group where they weren’t the only couple. However, if the class rep (for whatever reason - and we don’t know the details about all the members of the group) maintained the groups as it, then the mums could take it in turn.

each option is going to involve a compromise. I prefer a situation which doesn’t actually involve a compromise for the two mums but others,

But you crack on with your own narrative. The mob mentality on here is getting ridiculous.

Nope, you are wrong. Sexuality is a legally protected characteristic, being divorced is not. Gay people do not have to put themselves at a disadvantage because some straight people are divorced.

The class rep is being homophobic, (definitely so- she has doubled down and insisted on one gay woman being treated at a man even when it’s been pointed out that it isn’t ok), and in agreeing with her so are you.

Many people on this thread agree that this is homophobia, and you defending it means you are homophobic- if you think that is mob mentality then fair enough.

It appears that possibly this is the first time you have been fully called out on your bigotry and you don’t like it. That’s tough I’m afraid- gay people don’t much like being treated like second class citizens either.

Well, I guess we will have to agree to disagree on that. My bi- sexual husband doesn’t find me homophobic. And his opinion matters more than yours to me. But you crack on with your little fantasy about me.

Once you’ve decided to split by sex, you need to split by sex.

I’m a socially anxious person but the idea that multiple people (or even just one person) could be so uncomfortable at the thought of there being one couple present at a large group event that it becomes necessary to ban one of the mums? ….it just isn’t really very believable is it?

Homophobia, on the other hand, is a thing that actually exists.

What are you questioning?

if you actually read my posts you’ll see I’ve mentioned a few times that is very illogical given my personal situation that I’m homophobic. You probably haven’t picked up on that as you repeatedly show you only read what you want to read.

Do you normally go round questioning peoples sexuality? I pretty sure that makes you homophobic.

Im sorry reality doesn’t tie into your little narrative,