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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL’s Restaurant Choice-not sure what to say/do?

517 replies

HamBone · 02/11/2023 13:00

This is a very first-world dilemma, but I’d welcome opinions on how to handle this.

Thanksgiving is coming up here in the US and we’re having a family get-together with DH’s side. Yesterday, DH told me that one of his sister’s wants to arrange a meal out to a specialist restaurant that weekend and I’ve just taken a look at the menu. Its’s very limited and I can’t see a single item that I’d like to eat. DS won’t be keen either. We’re not fussy eaters at all, but there’s nothing available that we’d want to pay for. Plus, it’s not particularly cheap.

How should I approach this with SIL? I think that she wants to try this restaurant and likes the idea of arranging a family outing, but it’s daft to waste money on food people don’t want. Will we be party poopers if I gently say that it’s not to our tastes, but we’re happy for everyone else to go and we’ll see them later?

I feel bad about this though. ☹️

OP posts:
FrancisFriedFish · 02/11/2023 13:44

Why not just join them for dessert/drinks ? You can eat what you want at home/elsewhere, then just have drink/coffee/pudding when they're done with the main course.

CarolinaInTheMorning · 02/11/2023 13:44

And the restaurant is called Beans n Aubergines

More likely Beans and Eggplant since it's in the US.

Is it vegetarian or vegan?

spitefulandbadgrammar · 02/11/2023 13:44

Pinkdelight3 · 02/11/2023 13:07

I wouldn't go just because she wants to, why should you? It's not her birthday, where you'd prioritise her preference. This is for all of you to enjoy, especially if it's pricey, so I'd keep it breezy, not make a big deal about it but nip it in the bud now. Like 'Nice thought but just looked and it's not our kinda thing and too expensive so let's find somewhere else for Thanksgiving and you can do that another time. Thanks for understanding." and if it's helpful suggest a few places you'd like that are more affordable. These things have to be agreed between you, not imposed.

If ever a message weren’t remotely breezy…

JustAMinutePleass · 02/11/2023 13:44

What cuisine is this? Most restaurants offer the ability to customise the taste out of your food so just tell them on the day to make your dishes without aubergines.

StaunchMomma · 02/11/2023 13:45

As someone who regularly eats out but can very rarely have anything I actually want due to being highly sensitive to gluten, I do think you're being really precious.

If everyone else is OK with the choice of restaurant I'd say just get over it, eat a bowl of chips or a salad and maybe order a pudding - the get together isn't for you or your DH so unless it's a £70 plus a head set menu type of affair, I'd suck it up.

I literally find zero pleasure in eating out anymore so I'd never suggest it for eg my bday BUT I do turn up for everyone else and just fake-grin through a dry jacket potato! AND I offer to split the bill!

Tracker1234 · 02/11/2023 13:45

And I think you have taught your daughter to be exactly like you.

Any chance of seeing the menu

Mikimoto · 02/11/2023 13:45

Xiaoxiong · 02/11/2023 13:41

Because without the menu we can't decide how unreasonable she is vs the SIL.

If the menu is

Beans
Beans & aubergine
Beans, aubergine & beans
Beans, aubergine, aubergine & beans
...

Then the OP is definitely NBU.

What, no spam?!

LaLoose · 02/11/2023 13:46

So, let's guess Mexican / Native American. 'Seasoning' is a word that hits differently in the US and doesn't mean s&p, so perhaps it's chilli heat.

Nevertheless, I find it embarrassing when adults are fussy about food to this extent. And yes, OP, you are.

StaunchMomma · 02/11/2023 13:46

Agree that we need to see the menu, too!

crumblingschools · 02/11/2023 13:46

Can you check with the restaurant whether they can be flexible. Must admit I wouldn’t be keen if everything had aubergine in

DappledThings · 02/11/2023 13:46

Really want aubergine katsu curry for dinner now

stormteacupandcake · 02/11/2023 13:46

You don't sound fussy at all, I can think of quite a few restaurants I would not book because I just don't fancy the food?

I think it's a bit weird that people claim they would find food they really like in ANY restaurant, serving any kind of cuisine.

I'll eat it if I am invited in someone's house, but paying for something I don't like? Wy would anyone do that?

I would just leave your husband just making a couple of different suggestions to his sister: "not to keen on that one, what about this or that instead"?

No need for drama.

Bentoforthehorde · 02/11/2023 13:46

Ah, I think I can relate. We went for a family meal in a hipster restaurant SIL chose and they were the same. No chips or sides, everything deconstructed or 'unique' none of our kids ate any of it, autistic dc actually cried at the table and I had to babywipe the 'jus' from his beef.
There was no option to change anything on the menu. We actually asked for autistic dc and were told something along the lines of each dish being crafted by the chef specifically to achieve his vision.
I don't disagree with this method, but it is definitely not for me and my kids. It's so weird that as adults we are not allowed to have food preferences without being called fussy.

StaunchMomma · 02/11/2023 13:47

'Not' a fussy eater - wants 'plain' food without certain veg or beans 😂

Crumpleton · 02/11/2023 13:48

Pinkdelight3 · 02/11/2023 13:17

I don't think it's a matter of being a fussy eater. You should enjoy what you're eating if you're paying a lot and it's meant to be a treat. You shouldn't have to suck up someone else's niche taste and be deemed fussy for not doing.

Agree with this...
I don't like pasta/pizza so one of those type places would be a no from me as the menu would probably be quite limited but I wouldn't say just because I dislike them items I'm a fussy eater.

Worse still is if you've had practically nothing to eat but then the one that chose the restaurant comes out with the old "let's split the bill evenly" shite.

ScarlettSunset · 02/11/2023 13:49

If I didn't like the menu, I'd just politely decline and say why, but also thanking them for thinking to invite me.
I wouldn't go somewhere to spend money on food I don't like.

cocksstrideintheevening · 02/11/2023 13:49

I'm quite restricted in what I eat op, I've just turned down an invite to a Christmas meal because there was nothing I would eat on the menu and it was £60. I could afford it but why would I?

I've organised drinks the following week with the same group instead. Just be honest and say it's not for you and DH will go.

InTheRainOnATrain · 02/11/2023 13:49

All 20 dishes contain beans or aubergines? You couldn’t ask for the beef or whatever without the ‘aubergine caviar’?? Sounds like a really weird restaurant, or more likely that you’re fussier than you care to admit! It doesn’t need to be a big thing though. Either you suck it up and ask to make a minor adjustment to the least offensive dish. Or use your words, call SIL, explain, own your fussy and make a couple of alternative suggestions. If this is actually for Thanksgiving itself, and not just a get together around that time, then most people will likely prefer the traditional spread anyway so I’m sure it wouldn’t be unwelcome to suggest elsewhere.

peachescariad · 02/11/2023 13:49

Why would you speak to SIL? It's your DH sister...isn't he able to speak to her himself and say 'sorry but that type of food isn't too our taste, but we can join you for coffee after?'

Original poster
HamBone · 02/11/2023 13:49

DappledThings · 02/11/2023 13:38

You know people are going to keep asking to see the menu before they will believe it's that limited. Why are you being so coy about sharing it?

@DappledThings Because it could be identifying to people who know me IRL, know where DH’s family lives, etc.

Anyway, thanks for all the feedback. I’m going to be honest with her about the food but we’re happy to come along. We can always just have a drink.

For those assuming I can’t stand seasoned food, I love Thai and Vietnamese dishes, also Indian and Persian food. But I steer clear of the dreaded aubergines. 😂

OP posts:
HardcoreLadyType · 02/11/2023 13:50

I’m guessing “seasoned” means something different in the US to the UK, where it means “salt added” or possibly “salt and pepper added”. Which would be most things, including really bland meals.

Also, a menu with 12 things is quite extensive really, unless you are used to places with lots of batch cooking, where the food is not cooked freshly?

I’m always a bit bemused by people’s inability to find something on a menu they could go with, except in the case of allergies, or some kind of food restriction for religious reasons or similar. You don’t have to love the idea it, just like it well enough to go with it. The idea is to have a pleasant family meal, not a gourmet experience.

Anyway, if you really wouldn’t eat anything, I think it’s down to you to find a better alternative. “So SIL, I’ve checked the menu, and it’s not really my kind of thing. Could we make it [well loved family favourite restaurant] instead?”

MargotBamborough · 02/11/2023 13:50

GlitteryGreen · 02/11/2023 13:44

I think it's really weird people are saying you should just suck it up and go? It's not SIL's birthday and from the original post it hasn't even been booked yet.

I'd definitely pick out a couple of other local places and then get DH to go back to his sister and just say something along the lines of "we've checked out the menu and we're not too keen and don't think DS will eat anything there, what do you think of these?", so you're doing a bit of the work and making some suggestions.

I don't think you should go somewhere which sounds quite niche when you're really not keen and tbh I think it's quite unusual for your SIL to have suggested such a meal for Thanksgiving, which I understand is usually quite a traditional turkey & sides affair.

This!

It's a family meal for Thanksgiving.

It should be somewhere everyone wants to eat, not just one person with niche tastes.

Even if the OP and her son are "fussy eaters", it doesn't follow that they should have to suck it up and go for an expensive meal that they don't enjoy just because the SIL wants to try this particular restaurant.

Greatbigfluffytrousers · 02/11/2023 13:51

Yes OP, direct us to the menu so you can be further sneered at for your taste in food, perception of yourself and your child rearing - do it, do it 😆

No? How very odd. See, you’re just difficult!

verdantverdure · 02/11/2023 13:51

There are five of us so eating out costs a significant amount. I won't waste that money on miserable food we don't want.

If there was nothing for us to eat we'd say so.

And if the only thing there was for us to eat was an over priced side salad or portion of chips etc then we'd say we didn't want travel and spend the money to eat miserable food.

We're vegetarians. When my sister in law picks places that don't do anything vegetarian (which must be a rather difficult task in this day and age.) I say "of course we're not coming, there's nothing for us to eat!"

BubziOwl · 02/11/2023 13:51

I think I'm biased because as a lifelong vegetarian, I've spent a lifetime eating food in restaurants I don't really like because it's the only vegetarian option. Even today! As long as there's something I can eat then I'm happy, whether I like it or not.

Why not just suggest a different restaurant if it's such a huge issue?

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