SIL’s Restaurant Choice-not sure what to say/do?

[HamBone]

This is a very first-world dilemma, but I’d welcome opinions on how to handle this.

Thanksgiving is coming up here in the US and we’re having a family get-together with DH’s side. Yesterday, DH told me that one of his sister’s wants to arrange a meal out to a specialist restaurant that weekend and I’ve just taken a look at the menu. Its’s very limited and I can’t see a single item that I’d like to eat. DS won’t be keen either. We’re not fussy eaters at all, but there’s nothing available that we’d want to pay for. Plus, it’s not particularly cheap.

How should I approach this with SIL? I think that she wants to try this restaurant and likes the idea of arranging a family outing, but it’s daft to waste money on food people don’t want. Will we be party poopers if I gently say that it’s not to our tastes, but we’re happy for everyone else to go and we’ll see them later?

I feel bad about this though. ☹️

She sounds a pandered - to diva... Def a good idea to swerve the meal. Would love to know about the actual Thanksgiving meal too!

I mean, it was a massive drip feed about the bugs - if you'd said in your OP that the menu focused on crickets & grasshoppers etc., I think you'd have had very different responses! Going on about beans and aubergines made it sound like you were just being really fussy, but most people would probably baulk at forking out to eat insects.

Diva’s abit strong, @Ibravedaflood, but theirs a tendency in DH’s family to do what she wants, she has a touch of the Golden Child.

She and I get on fine, there’s no animosity, but perhaps that’s because I’ve never disagreed with her before? 😂

Saw your update, not sure why you asked her permission to sit it out (!) but it’s a move in the right direction. If she replies, just say the kids won’t eat anything there either and it’d be a massive waste of money. Hopefully it’ll be nice for DH to have some time alone with his family and he can suffer the food. Hold firm! 👍

@Peachy2005 Exactly, I’m not stopping anyone else from going, I’m quite happy to stay home alone and make myself a sandwich if everyone else goes. Or feed the children if just DH goes with his parents and siblings. 🤷

There’s plenty of Indian food that isn’t even remotely spicy.

This is why everyone was asking you to post the menu - not because we want to out you but because it does have a bearing on who's being unreasonable.

Insects are not aubergines or beans. If it's a restaurant with so few options that every dish has fried crickets or stewed mealy grubs or whatever then your SIL is OF COURSE being completely U to expect everyone to go along with it.

I would say the same about eating horse in France/Belgium, eating whale in Japan, eating sheep head in Iceland or eating balut in the Philippines.

I actually don't think the bugs are that relevant, even if they're more outside the norm than aubergine.

The nature of the dietary preference doesn't matter. Posters in this thread have said they don't like spices, cauliflowers and even pasta. If you're getting people together for a meal surely it's in everyone's interest that everyone enjoys the meal. It's not too hard to find a good restaurant that everyone, within reason, is happy with. (The obnoxiously fussy types who object to everything are a different matter for a different thread.) I'd happily eat bugs (and have done in the past).

The point of the thread is that it shouldn't be considered unreasonable for OP to opt out or suggest another restaurant, and yet she's enmeshed in family dynamics where this potentially leads to conflict.

Then you're a fussy eater.

Some people are fussy eaters. It's OK.

But saying "I'm not a fussy eater but I won't eat fish MAKES NO SENSE!"

Are there other kids going, you could be the cool Aunt and say why don't you and DS take the kids for Pizza or stay at sil House and have pizza and a movie night and the other adults can enjoy the fancy restaurant. Just say that the menu looks a bit too much for the kids to enjoy

So the only people who you’d define as non-fussy eaters are people who will literally eat anything?

I think literally everyone I know would fall into the fussy eater category, then, including the person who will happily eat chicken feet, crickets and aubergine but doesn’t like capers.

@gannett it's the "within reason" part where insects become relevant. Someone not liking pasta is very different from not liking insects, fermented tofu, balut, century eggs, duck gizzards, jellyfish - these are much farther outside the mainstream of US/UK food culture and to choose a restaurant that not only has them on the menu but has few to no options that don't include those things is far more unreasonable than choosing an italian restaurant when one member of the group isn't keen on pasta.

Hi Sil, This restaurant is a bit too specialist for us and our child. Any chance we could so somewhere a bit more main stream and you can eat crickets and frogs legs another day?

Sounds like you are actually fussy. I would contact the venue, explain that you are a large booking but have two people with restrictive dietary requirements and could you book a meal that's using the ingredients off the menu with your unique tastes in mind or at least close to the menu ingredients.
Alternatively, tell sil you're not keen on the menu as you say and that you can catch up afterwards

I have ARFID, gastroparesis and IBS, some days theres next to fuck all I'll eat! I get branded a 'fussy eater' all the time.

But saying it's OK to be a fussy eater, it clearly fucking isn't, one poster has been driven to post a shitty poem about how awful fussy eaters are.

And as PP says, people who have one or two hard nopes over things they have tried and really don't like, are branded 'fussy eaters'.

It's like you all think we do it on purpose? 'Attention seeking' has been mentioned in the thread already, 'hard work' as well...

If we go, say nothing then ask for something off menu or just order a side dish - we're attention seeking.

If we decline to go because theres nothing on the menu we'll enjoy - we're hard work.

If we ask if theres another restaurant that would suit everyones needs better - again, we're attention seeking AND hard work.

If you have a limited range of foods, for whatever reason, you absolutely cannot fucking win.

You cant say youre not fussy then not find something you'd eat from a choice of 12

Having medical conditions doesn’t make you a fussy eater, imo!

can you screen shot the menu and cut out the restaurant name - im so intrigued as to whats on this menu?

I'm really mystified as to why DH is not involved in this? He should know his own wife and kids preferences and make sure his sister isn't overriding them/booking somewhere unsuitable. So weird to let your wife and sister duke it out like this.

Of course you can, 12 options doesn't mean variety! I can't eat anything at Nandos. I don't eat chicken! I'll eat pork, beef, duck etc just not chicken and there are probably more than 12 options on that menu containing chicken I can't eat. Then I can't eat any of the veggie options as they are all chickpea based and I'm allergic to them. There's probably over 25 menu items there I can't eat.

Not liking one meat doesn't make me 'fussy'. I'm quite an adventurous eater usually and will eat most cuisines. Indian, thai, chinese, japanese, korean, burgers etc.

<missing the point>

They have other options: can't you have any of these?

• halloumi and mushroom pitta
• Imitator wrap
• rainbow bowl
• Quinoa salad
• starters? (obvs not houmous etc)
• chips
• spicy rice

I'm allergic to all legumes so in addition fo chickpeas also some nuts, lentils etc which takes out most of those options. Although imitator wrap says pea protein I've learnt the hard way they often still use aquafaba as a binding agent - which is essentially chickpea water. Some of it may be ok, but with any vegan option its just too risky for me because I don't know what hidden additions there are.

Sure I could ask for plain rice or chips but isn't really a meal is it 😂 and if those options were available at the restaurant OPs SIL wanted to go to I'm sure thats what she would have done.

@HamBone If it's a fairly high-end restaurant that appears to prepare and cook its own food, why not try contacting them in advance and explaining the situation, that you'd love to come but could they prepare a dish without aubergine and whatever else you don't like? With enough advance notice and if you're a large party, they may well be happy to accommodate you.

The point of the thread is that it shouldn't be considered unreasonable for OP to opt out or suggest another restaurant, and yet she's enmeshed in family dynamics where this potentially leads to conflict.

@gannett You summed it up perfectly. I should be able to opt out of eating at a suggested restaurant when it’s not for a special occasion.
If it was SIL’s birthday, for example, and she wanted to have dinner there, of course I’d celebrate with her.

But this isn’t a special occasion, she just wants to try a restaurant. Fair enough, any one else who wants to try it is welcome to go, but I’m not interested.

If that gives her the hump, so be it.

There is no way I would set foot in an eatery with insects on the menu. For a special occasion or any other.

This is a mountain out of a molehill. "Thanks, SIL, but Casa Cucaracha won't work for us. Looking forward to seeing your at the family meal, though!" Job done.