Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants to go part time

425 replies

WickyStizard · 02/11/2023 11:52

I am interested to hear your views, because I am really not sure whether I am unjustifiably feeling pressured here, or whether I should be working harder to understand my Husband's perspective.

Tldr: Husband wants me to get a job (full or part time but significant enough to cover his salary decrease) so he can go part time, and work 3.5 days a week.

Context: My Husband is the main breadwinner, earning just north of 100K + Bonus. Before having kids we both earned in the 50K region, but since kids 5 years ago my salary flat-lined whereas his has accelerated. He also works somewhere with generous paternity leave and after the birth of our 2nd child took a large amount of paternity leave and we took the opportunity to go travelling as a family, which was amazing.

Since we have got back and my husband has returned to work full time he has been putting increasing pressure on me to return to work now that the kids are settled back into school and nursery(3 days a week). He wants to drop from full time to 3.5 days, so he can spend more time with the kids and doing pick ups etc.

He wants me to get a full time or part time role so he can do this. A full time role working remotely would bring in slightly more than the loss of his earnings over the 1.5 days a week, but would take me out of action for 5 days (worst case scenario) or 3 days (best case).

At home, as well as doing drop offs, pick ups, and bed times (he is home late 3 nights out of 5) I also do all the shopping, cooking, washing, most of the cleaning etc.

It's clearly not clear cut, hence the question!

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 02/11/2023 11:53

Id offer to work as many hours as him, unless it suits you to go fT.

Original poster
WickyStizard · 02/11/2023 11:56

Theoretically this would be fine, but finding, applying for and getting a part time role is much harder than a full time role in roles I am looking at. I think it is a good compromise though.

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 02/11/2023 11:56

You had your turn with the children now is your chance to support him getting to know them better.

Doggymummar · 02/11/2023 11:57

Use the agency tentotwo for part-time hours also charity jobs have a lot of part-time. I started on one day a week and am now on three days which is a great balance. Thursday and Friday off to run my own business

Original poster
WickyStizard · 02/11/2023 11:58

Sorry, I wasn't clear, he has had 6 months paid paternity leave which he took between the 6 month and 1 year stage. He has not been starved of getting to know the kids! But I do understand and want to encourage his relationship with the children.

OP posts:
Original poster
WickyStizard · 02/11/2023 11:58

Thanks, @Doggymummar I hadn't heard of this. I will look into it.

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 02/11/2023 11:59

In theory yes but in reality it's unfair on you unless he steps up with the childcare and housework.

Londonscallingme · 02/11/2023 11:59

i think you need to be mindful of the fact that you’ve had a lot of time off work with the kids snd it’s not unreasonable for him to want to spend more time with them. I don’t think you can reasonably object uk going back to work, at least part time, but you’d need to also re-jig the household chores to make it fair.

pinkyredrose · 02/11/2023 12:00

I'd definitely do this. He's bearing the full financial pressure, you can get your career back on track and jointly earn.and look after the household.

AceofPentacles · 02/11/2023 12:00

Would this be a forever arrangement or until the kids leave primary etc

I think he's NBU. Loads of us work FT with kids and do the lions share of admin and other shit jobs . Maybe he will step up in that department on the 1.5 days so it won't all be on you

PauliesWalnuts · 02/11/2023 12:00

Can you each do four days? Recalibrate household duties, bring in extra help or wrap around care when required, maybe get a cleaner? I think it would be really healthy for you to get back to work, and also to share the financial load.

mbosnz · 02/11/2023 12:00

Is he also going to do his increased share of drop offs, pick ups, shopping, cooking and washing - plus planning and prepping for holidays and celebrations, plus family, and to the current standard, without having to be 'reminded', i.e. fully taking it on board as part of his role and contribution? Does he know what that is, and what it entails?

BarnacleBeasley · 02/11/2023 12:01

I don't think it's unfair for him to want you both to work part-time rather than him having to work full-time, but I think it is ridiculous for him to expect to have the same amount of money coming in as before when he knows your earning potential is lower, especially if that would mean you'd be working full time.

JudyGemstone · 02/11/2023 12:01

Complete fair that you get a job, why should he carry all the financial responsibility?

I’d insist on a cleaner though, or at the very least a fair redistribution of all household chores.

AgnesX · 02/11/2023 12:03

On the assumption that he shares everything and doesn't sit in his pants for the two days he's off I don't see the problem.

That said he might find his career coming to a standstill.

LightDrizzle · 02/11/2023 12:03

I think his suggestion is fair enough but he needs to fully share the domestic drudgery.

Wildhorses2244 · 02/11/2023 12:07

Could a good compromise be that he drops to 4 days per week. You don’t pay for nursery that day and he does drop off, pick up, hangs out with youngest, plus does some housework. He asks for flexible working on one other day so that he can do either morning or evening.

You look for a new job 3 days per week. On the two days that you don’t work then you do the same as him. You ask for flexible working on one of those days so that you can eg pickup if he drops off.

You both of you prioritise your career for a few years to build your earnings to a similar level as his which him being off one day would help because you can go early / stay late / give 120% that day.

Then review in a couple of years once youngest is in school..

Runningonjammiedodgers · 02/11/2023 12:09

I second the post about you both working equal hours, four days a week each and you could have different days off to keep childcare costs down. Though I do think there is a danger you would still have to carry all the mental load even if he did some of the house hold things.

Though is some ways full time work might make more sense as it would very clearly indicate to him that he is primarily responsible for the household stuff. I could see you both being part time but you still having to do all the household stuff.

PurpleBananaSmoothie · 02/11/2023 12:10

I don’t think 3.5 days is realistic. He has to realise that your career has taken a hit and you can’t just pick it up and make up the shortfall in his salary. His career has benefitted from you sacrificing your career to be main parent.

I think 4 days a week would be a better balance. As you have nursery 3 days a week, you would each have a day alone with the kids and weekends together. That should hopefully shift the balance of household duties but make it clear, that regardless of who is earning more, household and childcare is then 50/50. He can’t expect you to build your career but always be the one leaving early, or always the one taking leave when the kids are sick.

Mia85 · 02/11/2023 12:10

Are you working out his loss of earnings net of tax etc? If he is already north of £100k + bonus then the marginal tax rate for the dropped 1.5 days is presumably already very high. It might not make as much of a difference to his take home as you think, especially if it also makes you eligible for free nursery hours for your youngest. There might also be a drop in costs for commuting etc.

FFSgetagripoldlady · 02/11/2023 12:11

He has to step up with the house/ mental load etc too.

Mangotango39 · 02/11/2023 12:14

Fair
me and DP earn similar and we are both dropping seperate days when I return from Mat instead of me going to 3 days.
It's usually typically women who go PT but this arrangement suits us. He is really excited and I'm happy we are both getting this.

paintingvenice · 02/11/2023 12:14

I think you should go back to work part time and when you are established in that role he should look at compressed hours first- working 4 days a week with a view to going part time if things work out.
I wouldn’t make any changes quickly. If he goes part time for example and you find it isn’t working out financially or practically it might be difficult for him to up his hours again.
You also need to have a chat about what the future looks like- is this until the youngest starts primary school? Secondary school? Intended to be forever?
are you happy as a couple with the income drop? And if you are both then working part time is he happy to do more around the house?

OnlyFannys · 02/11/2023 12:14

I think it would be selfish of you not to do this if you can find the work. You have had your time time off as a sahp and he shouldn't be working himself into the ground for you to continue that lifestyle. Both working part time is fair if you can find a way to make it work financially and he steps up around the house. You would still have a high household income you might just need to have fewer luxuries

shockeditellyou · 02/11/2023 12:20

He’s being fair enough, tbh. Make sure he does all the mental load nonsense too - split jobs so he is entirely responsible for e.g all the food and cooking, all the children’s laundry or all the school comms etc.