Husband wants to go part time

[WickyStizard]

I am interested to hear your views, because I am really not sure whether I am unjustifiably feeling pressured here, or whether I should be working harder to understand my Husband's perspective.

Tldr: Husband wants me to get a job (full or part time but significant enough to cover his salary decrease) so he can go part time, and work 3.5 days a week.

Context: My Husband is the main breadwinner, earning just north of 100K + Bonus. Before having kids we both earned in the 50K region, but since kids 5 years ago my salary flat-lined whereas his has accelerated. He also works somewhere with generous paternity leave and after the birth of our 2nd child took a large amount of paternity leave and we took the opportunity to go travelling as a family, which was amazing.

Since we have got back and my husband has returned to work full time he has been putting increasing pressure on me to return to work now that the kids are settled back into school and nursery(3 days a week). He wants to drop from full time to 3.5 days, so he can spend more time with the kids and doing pick ups etc.

He wants me to get a full time or part time role so he can do this. A full time role working remotely would bring in slightly more than the loss of his earnings over the 1.5 days a week, but would take me out of action for 5 days (worst case scenario) or 3 days (best case).

At home, as well as doing drop offs, pick ups, and bed times (he is home late 3 nights out of 5) I also do all the shopping, cooking, washing, most of the cleaning etc.

It's clearly not clear cut, hence the question!

Indeed. People though ime quite simply don’t believe that the truly rich aren’t CEOs on PAYE.

No, you are completely wrong. Not all men are like yours. I think men like that are the minority in fact these days. You are just kidding yourself that yours isn’t useless.

Yes, that would be great, but if it ends up being four very long days it could be exhausting. I know that some employers are very good at helping to make this work but not all. And perhaps they are more likely to do this for people who already work for them.
I'm not sure if the OP can work from home at all? Not having to commute every day would make a four day week more do-able.

@fashionqueen1183 I agree it might not be easy to get their ideal hours.

With a huge stroke of luck I got a job 50% hours over 3days so my days are slightly shorter than usual to enable me to do drop off and pick up. But it was a huge stroke of luck that someone agree to it and it suited the business at the time.

This is also, imo, not comparable to being a single parent. You are simply doing what many workings mums are doing but you don't have a useless man child that creates more work not less

Errrrr.... no, I don't think so! A lone parent is doing the work of two people - providing for all of their children's needs both financial and emotional/ physical caring - in only 24 hours per day, not 48 like a couple have to share these between them. What a ridiculous comment. So this thread has gone from "it's soooo hard to be a SAHM" to "lone parents working full time are just doing what many working mums do". Hilarious.

Indeed. People though ime quite simply don’t believe that the truly rich aren’t CEOs on PAYE

And that CEOs generally earn far more than we're talking about here! £100k is middle management a couple of promotions into a career in many professions depending on industry and location. People also seem to forget that £100k 3 years ago is now worth only £80k by comparison due to inflation.

I'm not sure if the OP can work from home at all?

@anonibubble yes she did say the roles she is looking at are remote working, so no commuting involved which makes things much easier! Such a waste of time spending hours getting to work and back.

Yes I think often easier to get once you are in the job itself.

Off topic, but the average salary is £27k, so someone on £100k is most definitely statistically 'well off'. People in the UK do not pay a lot of tax compared to most other OECD countries, this myth needs to stop. If you want good public services, schools and healthcare it needs to be paid for. Some of the richest countries in the world have the highest tax rates, their high earners don't all leave and if people on £100k don't want to pay a few more £ in tax to contribute then quite frankly good riddance.

Definitely easier to ask for flexible working once you are in the job. It also depends on the sector, getting part-time in the financial sector or in health care is probably a lot easier than male orientated things like construction.

But flexible, part-time working can also mean an end to any further promotions, training and generally being overlooked.

Your missing the point, taxing people to the point that they think sod it I can reduce my hours, less stress, and not be that much worse off is stupid.

A friend in health care decided to drop a grade, £10k salary drop, less travel, and concluded the actual difference, between tax and fuel saving would be about £1200 per year.
We have massive issues with a shortage of Doctors and Surgeons, not helped by so many being part-time.

Work needs to pay.

Off topic, but the average salary is £27k, so someone on £100k is most definitely statistically 'well off'. People in the UK do not pay a lot of tax compared to most other OECD countries, this myth needs to stop. If you want good public services, schools and healthcare it needs to be paid for. Some of the richest countries in the world have the highest tax rates, their high earners don't all leave and if people on £100k don't want to pay a few more £ in tax to contribute then quite frankly good riddance.

No. For the earnings bracket we are discussing (£100k-£150k) the UK has some of the highest taxes in the world. In the UK low or median earners pay much less than in comparable European countries, and the wealthy pay a very low percentage because they primarily pay capital gains/ dividends tax. The specific group we were discussing are the only ones in the UK who pay very high taxes per international comparisons, and this damages productivity and tax revenues because it's simply not worth the effort for some of our most productive workers (many of whom also have skillsets/ qualifications in specialist/ shortage areas) to work more hours/ seek promotion and in fact people are - understandably - cutting hours. This is bad for the UK economy: independent economic research on the UK productivity issue has highlighted this repeatedly. In a similar way that the harsh taper rate on Universal Credit is bad for productivity, but more extreme. Nobody will work more for negligible benefit or in some cases less net income than they receive by working less and that's not surprising.

As for being "statistically well off", it is meaningless to consider income without considering living costs in the area where the person lives. Everyone in the UK is statistically well off compared to the majority of the population of the world but that's a fairly meaningless comparison given people's costs are not the same as the costs of those in Burkina Faso or Guatemala.

However, the OP's situation - from the information she has provided - appears to be one of the rare cases where these anomalies built into the system may actually be beneficial for her family because her husband is likely to be able to decrease his working hours with very little impact at all on his post-tax income.

Maybe op would rather be home doing day to day stuff with her children than a professional career? That is a valid option too. Not on Mumsnet of course but most women in real life I know prefer this.

I find it so sad that many people will jump onto the, ‘it’s his turn thing’. It genuinely makes me sad.

I could have written this post. I took tears out of my thriving corporate career, to support my husband and children. We don’t have any family nearby, he travels internationally for work and it was a choice of me working but getting a nanny, or bringing them up myself. We went with the latter.

it was a family decision. My husband also carried on and has become a very senior member of his organisation. If I returned, my full time salary would be a third of his. Financially, it would not be feasible tor us for my husband to work part time . It makes me angry that husbands can chop and change their decision. I’m not a puppet.

have you done your numbers, would they work if you each did 4 days for example? Would you still be able to manage your outgoings? That’s the question.

i also do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, school admin and helping with homework and extra curricular stuff, and planning. My husband would not be able to manage this, if I were not around, given his position. I would have to outsource as much of it as possible. What would you do? Would your husband pick up all the stuff that you do, when he is at work?

Wouldn't most people inc Ops DH like to spend their days pushing a hoover, playing with playdoh and going to lunch.

Reality is most people need to work outside the house.

If it was the other way round Op was stressed in her big paying job and her DH wanted to remain a SAHD. He'd be getting called a cocklodger and she'd be told to leave the lazy b.

@Findinganewme people are allowed to change their minds. Maybe after having a long paternity leave he feels he'd rather have time at home and have a better work / life balance.

Likewise nobody would criticise you if you decided next week, actually I'm bored I want to sort childcare and get back to work, in need of a better work/life balance.

Truthfully the idea of giving up my career completely terrifies me, I know 4 mums and a dad widowed with children in primary school. Widowed parents allowance used to be paid while Child Benefit was paid, it's now only paid for 18mths.

As is it valid for a man to want to spend more time at home with his children. So controversial. Apparently it’s only acceptable when it’s a woman.
As it is, OP wants to continue her career.

Don't apply for a part time role. Apply for full time roles then when they offer you the job negotiate part time. And if they won't you walk away then.

@Findinganewme I find it so sad that many people will jump onto the, ‘it’s his turn thing’. It genuinely makes me sad.….
It makes me angry that husbands can chop and change their decision. I’m not a puppet.

How has the husband chopped and changed his mind? It seems like what really makes you angry is a husband daring to do anything other than work full time. It’s okay for you to make that decision, but not him.

UK middle earners still pay less than several other European countries in tax. If skilled workers are finding work doesn't pay they need a wage rise, not a tax cut. Your comments about the relativity of wealth, insinuating that people on these wages aren't really wealthy because they have higher costs, is naive at best (insulting and detached at worst). Only around 3% of people in the UK earn over £100k, earning £70k+ more than the average. They are most definitely well off and in a very privileged position in relative terms, regardless of where they live. You sound like you are quite out of touch with the average British person and in a bit of a bubble, sorry.

Not a chance in hell would I do this unless he is willing to take over the house work & emotional Labour & house admin fully.

I suspect (and I may be wrong, you know your other half better )
He will Fanny around being Disney dad on his days with the kids leaving all cooking & cleaning and admin to you.
So you will be exhausted, strung out no fun mum.

If I'm wrong & he pulled at least 50% of it ALL on his paternity leave then go for it x

I think it's unfair for you to be given all the same responsibility of housework.

If the kids are at nursery in the day, what will he be doing in the day when they are there? Are you expected to have made dinner ect ...

That's a lot of work for you I think.

Not a chance in hell would I do this unless he is willing to take over the house work & emotional Labour & house admin fully.

Eh? All of it?! 🤨

If it was the other way round Op was stressed in her big paying job and her DH wanted to remain a SAHD. He'd be getting called a cocklodger and she'd be told to leave the lazy b

EXACTLY!

This. And for all the women saying this type of comment is sexist and not all men are like - wake up. Loads of men are like this. Hopefully those of us raising boys will help change the pattern and not just deny it exists.