Husband wants to go part time

[WickyStizard]

I am interested to hear your views, because I am really not sure whether I am unjustifiably feeling pressured here, or whether I should be working harder to understand my Husband's perspective.

Tldr: Husband wants me to get a job (full or part time but significant enough to cover his salary decrease) so he can go part time, and work 3.5 days a week.

Context: My Husband is the main breadwinner, earning just north of 100K + Bonus. Before having kids we both earned in the 50K region, but since kids 5 years ago my salary flat-lined whereas his has accelerated. He also works somewhere with generous paternity leave and after the birth of our 2nd child took a large amount of paternity leave and we took the opportunity to go travelling as a family, which was amazing.

Since we have got back and my husband has returned to work full time he has been putting increasing pressure on me to return to work now that the kids are settled back into school and nursery(3 days a week). He wants to drop from full time to 3.5 days, so he can spend more time with the kids and doing pick ups etc.

He wants me to get a full time or part time role so he can do this. A full time role working remotely would bring in slightly more than the loss of his earnings over the 1.5 days a week, but would take me out of action for 5 days (worst case scenario) or 3 days (best case).

At home, as well as doing drop offs, pick ups, and bed times (he is home late 3 nights out of 5) I also do all the shopping, cooking, washing, most of the cleaning etc.

It's clearly not clear cut, hence the question!

I don't blame him. He's working full time and shouldering the entire financial burden of the family while you get 3 days a week to yourself while your child is in nursery (which your dh is paying for). Really, what do you do with your time? You both working part-time would be far more fair.

So are you a SAHM at the moment? With the kids in nursery/school??

His request for you to get a part time job so he can work part time seems more than reasonable to me!

I work 3 days a week and would happily go up to 4 days a week so my DH could drop to 4 days and do some of the childcare and split all chores 50/50!!!

You could both do 3.5 days each and everything split equally.

You earned £50k pre kids so you clearly have your own professional career. Maybe see this as an opportunity to put your career back on track and let your husband start taking the reign on kids and household stuff. Have a chat to your husband and set the expectation that his reduction in hours will also mean him picking up the household things.

I can completely understand him wanting that, and feel it is fair. But you should have a conversation about it with him about which household responsibilities he will be taking on. Including life admin, not just physical stuff.

It sounds like you both are in an amazing position to work PT (3-4 days a week each) and spend lots of quality time with your dc. I would absolutely do it. You have access to school and nursery. You can stagger your working days so that your dc always have one of you who can be present and engaged. On his days off, he too can do the shopping, cooking, housework, etc. that you do so that you aren't running around doing that while also working.

Dh and I do similar. I work 4 days (either as 4 days or 5 shorter days) and he works probably 3-4 days (he's self-employed, so depends on how busy a week is). It means we both have time to do the school runs, no breakfast club or after school club needed, we can be at all school events, one of us is always around to help with homework or cook dinner. And we also get time to ourselves, dh goes off mountain biking, I go swimming or riding. We work what we need to work to have a good standard of living, but not at the expensive of our physical and mental health. It's a great balance.

Agree with this, it's a good idea generally to work part time if your FTE salary is just north of 100k, you can often be better off once tax rates, childcare costs, tax free childcare etc are taken into account.

I don't think it's unreasonable for your DH to want things to be more balanced between you both but I also think that he may need to be flexible, he might not get 3.5 days, it might need to be 3 or 4 or 4.5 and also I think it's reasonable for you to want to take the time to make sure you get a good job with progression opportunities etc

DH and I both work PT (I am 0.8 FTE, he's 0.6 FTE). We share school runs, housework, etc., and both have time to send with DC and on our respective interests. It works really well for us.

Both working part time would work well as long as he does his share at home. Full time for you doesn't really make sense, you would be working longer hours than him and earning way less money.

His desire to go part time is understandable but in order to make up the shortfall, even if you go back on the same salary you were in you'll need to work twice as many days as he has off. That will mean increased childcare costs so you won't be likely to be able to fully make up the financial shortfall. You need to work out the sums including how the tax/NI will work out to figure out if this is possible.

I think it's fair to work towards both of you working three or four days. I am covering all our expenses and the idea of me losing my job brings me out in a cold sweat in the middle of the night sometimes. My DH is absolutely working towards evening things up financially, and for sure it's very clear that I'll have to take on a lot more at home once that happens.

But he really can't expect it to happen overnight and if he's pressuring you to find a job asap, that seems unfair and unrealistic. You need a plan together and you need to find the right job - there's no point just swapping over so that you're the one who's working full time and unhappy. It also needs to be really clear that he's taking on his share of the work at home.

As others have said, you may not have as big a drop in income as you expect.

Id be sure he knew that it meant he was taking on significantly more at home, not just have leisurely days. You cannot go full time and still do everything at home.

If kids are in childcare 3 days a week I'd look at both of your doing 0.8 FTE (4 days). You both work 4 days, both get a day off with the kids individually.

You do need to make it clear though before doing it that this will mean working equal hours so he absolutely will need to step up to the plate on life admin and take an even load there too.

His plan makes most sense. Both of you keep your careers and both of you get time to spend with the dc.
I think a starting point of looking at how many hours you both work, rather than how much money you bring in is a fairer starting point, but you're hardly on the breadline if you can't match his earning in the first instance, plus childcare costs would be minimal if you were both able to work 3.5 days.

I would say I will also look for a job 3.5 days a week so you are working the same hours but this is subject to him bearing 50% of domestic, home admin and child related duties. If not then you will need to work less hours accordingly.

He also needs to be aware that you are unlikely to be paid as well as he is for 3.5 says because you've been out of the workplace raising children for several years with his agreement. That does not oblige you to work more hours or do more housework as you will have no more free time than him.

I think it's great that he will be more actively involved with the children but I suspect he isn't quite prepared for the reality and unfortunately you will need to manage his expectations. It's all very well that he loved his extended paternity leave but (a) you were there parenting too and (b) it was fun stuff like travelling. It's not really a reflection of life as a SAHP.

With our last child we shared the parental leave as I went back FT after 5 months. Husband was looking forward to his "time off" and was quite shocked at how tiring and relentless he found it. (Rewarding too, of course ...) You need to make him very aware of that. That he isn't going to have "time off" while you do all the domestic drudgery as well as working.

My colleague went back to work after nearly 12 months maternity and her husband promptly announced "my turn", quit his job and didn't look for another one for a year. But didn't cook as he "didn't know how" and the kids went to FT nursery "because it's oversubscribed and i don't want them to lose their places". He did go back to work after that but she was fuming for a year!

If he wants to be part time, then I think you need to be willing to work part time to facilitate this. He will need to pick up his fair share of the domestic load in return.

It seems like a no brainer to me!

I think he's being totally reasonable. I am the breadwinner and it's draining and stressful being solely responsible for paying the bills.

If he works 3.5 days you work 3.5 days. You share house hold chores 50/50 as childcare the same

I think it’s fair enough he ask.

I would sit down with no distractions and work out what that would look like. What would he be picking up to facilitate you spending less time at home. What would drop off / pick up schedule look like. Is he willing to take children to clubs etc. and make sure that he recognises it unreasonable to expect you to work as many hours as it takes to cover his drop in salary as the amount you can earn has stalled. Can you afford a drop in overall household income? As if not it might mean he drops 1 day per week and you pick up 15 hours (over 2 or 3 days).

I don't think he's unreasonable at all. Two parents who are working part time and active in their children's lives is a great idea.

Nobody should be able to expect that they're remaining home long term and that their spouse (male or female) has to accept being breadwinner indefinitely.

It sounds reasonable to me. You say his earnings have taken off so it's only fair that you have some time to focus on career now and he does more of the childcare/ house stuff for a while (as long as he does indeed take on a proportionate share of this properly to reflect his cut in working hours). It's good that he wants to spend more time with his children, also.

You say you may be aboe to cover his loss in earnings in 3 days per week which would be ideal, then you'd both be working similar amounts. If not you could go full time, aim for promotion then hopefully cut to 3 days. It sounds like this would be a good balance all round and better for you as well to have an independent income, pension savings etc.

Also due to the high taxes he'll be paying on the upper part of his salary I'd be surprised if you had to work 5 full days to earn what he will lose in net pay from dropping 1.5 days, when you were earning 50% of his salary previously - that doesn't really add up if you are looking at similar roles to the one you left.

He's being completely reasonable.
Your children aren't babies anymore, it isn't fair to push someone into the full time working role so you can sit about during the day and have all the freedom you want to do pick ups etc.
Being a 1 income family puts even more pressure on the one person working, without their income the family is financially ruined so they have to work even harder, putting in extra hours, always going the extra mile. This means they miss out on family time even more.
Then there is the fact that it isn't financially sensible from a tax perspective to have a 1 income family. In most cases you would be better off with the higher earner earning less and the other parent bringing in an income too.

I honestly just couldn't imagine prioritising my time with the kids over my husband having more opportunity for time with them too.
It doesn't seem very respectful.

@CyberCritical His desire to go part time is understandable but in order to make up the shortfall, even if you go back on the same salary you were in you'll need to work twice as many days as he has off.

Given his salary, the tax bracket he falls into and the cut off for things like TFC this is actually incredibly unlikely.

He’s Carried responsibility of being sole wage earner now you need to step up too. You should get a FT post and enjoy being back working it’s a great opportunity get career back

It's absolutely fair that you take on some of the financials. It's also absolutely fair that he takes on a load of the shitwork in return. Especially if you're working 5 days. You won't be doing what you do now if you're out of the house more than him.

I'd sit down with him and see what you doing 5 days looks like in real terms. I'd be asking him what it entails in his own head first.

The cash loss of him dropping to 4 days on that salary wouldn't be that bad. What are your outgoings like? With some effort there you may be able to afford it anyway, especially if you get free nursery hours for dropping below £100k.

Then you could go back to your career 3 days/week. Build your own pension etc.

Objectively that would be a pretty dream family scenario..., why aren't you keen?