Husband wants to go part time

[WickyStizard]

I am interested to hear your views, because I am really not sure whether I am unjustifiably feeling pressured here, or whether I should be working harder to understand my Husband's perspective.

Tldr: Husband wants me to get a job (full or part time but significant enough to cover his salary decrease) so he can go part time, and work 3.5 days a week.

Context: My Husband is the main breadwinner, earning just north of 100K + Bonus. Before having kids we both earned in the 50K region, but since kids 5 years ago my salary flat-lined whereas his has accelerated. He also works somewhere with generous paternity leave and after the birth of our 2nd child took a large amount of paternity leave and we took the opportunity to go travelling as a family, which was amazing.

Since we have got back and my husband has returned to work full time he has been putting increasing pressure on me to return to work now that the kids are settled back into school and nursery(3 days a week). He wants to drop from full time to 3.5 days, so he can spend more time with the kids and doing pick ups etc.

He wants me to get a full time or part time role so he can do this. A full time role working remotely would bring in slightly more than the loss of his earnings over the 1.5 days a week, but would take me out of action for 5 days (worst case scenario) or 3 days (best case).

At home, as well as doing drop offs, pick ups, and bed times (he is home late 3 nights out of 5) I also do all the shopping, cooking, washing, most of the cleaning etc.

It's clearly not clear cut, hence the question!

Have you done a overhaul of the household income and outgoings ?
You may find you could manage without you working part time?
Sometimes it just takes a few tweaks on lifestyle or some expenditure that could be cut and you would find you don't need to work - your husband is on a brilliant salary atm so even cutting one and a half days a week would mean he would still be earning a very good above average income.

@StripeyDeckchair list is a great idea

Get everything written down and allocate tasks in advance
His reaction will tell you if he thought he was just doing Disney dad or whether he is genuinely happy to share all chores

Perfectly reasonable that he might actually not want to be the dad they didn't see while he was out earning the cash.

He may feel as time goes on he doesn't have the same heart to pour into an employer's needs as he once did, and now wants to put more into the family.

He isn't in the habit of doing the wifework, so if your situation changes, he'll have to get into it.

I'd recommend you do a detailed breakdown of EVERYTHING you do to keep home and family running.

And be crystal clear that if you both do part time work, you both do equal part time family duties too.

(But a little voice says is it possible that he's establishing himself as equal caregiver, in case the marriage doesn't survive, and he goes for 50/50+?)

I think he is being fair TBH.

Thanks everyone for the responses, way more than I ever expected. I have obviously opened up a can of pigeons!

Reading all of your responses has been really helpful and has prompted some self reflection. I think, perhaps, the problem is much more at my door. I am jealous! And my jealousy is making me very defensive. I am in a bit of a rut, and wish sort of wish I could be in a work role now that I feel like I should be in, rather than looking at the roles I am applying for and feeling they may not stretch me. But also lacking the confidence to apply for full time roles at more senior levels.

He is very hands on, extremely good with the kids, looks after them on his own all the time. He already does spend lots of time with them, but I can fully understand him wanting to spend more time with them and not commuting.

I have been swayed in to the IABU camp, and that's a really useful place to start giving myself a kick up the bum to do something about it.

Perfectly reasonable of him to want you to earn half the money/work the same hours he does, so long as the split of everything else child and house related is also 50/50.

Always very impressed to see people take on the comments and genuinely reflecting on their own feelings and where they might be coming from. Well done OP, its great this exercise has been useful!

Another factor to consider is making sure he's aware that you'll have to share the sick days/inset days and holiday for the kids. Hopefully he's not assuming you'll do them all if your salary is less than his.

It’s not clear cut. You need ongoing discussions around everything to come up with a compromise that works for all. What do you need as a family financially. What can you earn, taking into account you have sacrificed career progression so that he can have his by you looking after joint DC. What do you do on a day to day basis and what would he be picking up from you to enable you to work. Will he actually do this? Will he pick up more of eg childcare arrangements/ meal planning/ shopping/ DC clothing/ housework etc which I assume you are currently sorting.

To me this says, more than anything, that you want to get back into your career.

Even if the roles you are looking at now aren't particularly appealing, could they lead to bigger and better things?

Honestly I think it would probably be a really positive thing for your relationship with your husband and your overall family dynamic if you can get back into work and he can reduce his hours. You just need to make sure that he actually means it and is really going to do his fair share of childcare and household responsibilities, i.e. he doesn't spend a day playing video games each week whilst you work but also carry on doing all the other things you are doing for the family right now.

Sorry if I’m being stupid but if you were on £50k in your previous job, could you not to a similar job now?

If you both work 3 days a week then you’d still have a decent income.

I think it’s a bit selfish of you to be annoyed he wants a day off a week, when you’re a SAHP.

I also think you’re looking at this all the wrong way.
If you both work PT that means you both bring in the money and have your own careers but you also both have a fair share in parenting and housework etc.

I would rather be in a relationship where it is equal, rather than so many threads on here where the mum is the default parent or she does all of the housework because her DH works slightly more than her.

I think you will absolutely love having your career.

You’ll both have the best of both worlds, which is the ultimate goal for everyone.

Can I ask what you both do?

I think that you DH´s desire to be an active parent is completely understandable.

And if possible without major (financial) sacrifices should be encouraged and supported.

So yes, I absolutely do believe that you should go back to work.

Whether PT or FT with the opportunity for remote work... Well, that would depend on the finances, the job opportunitites, your personal preferences etc.

I would also consider whether it would be smart to wait even longer... Seeing as it won´t get easier.

It is not unreasonable for you to contribute financially to the family but he needs to contribute equitable to all the aspects of running the home.

1. Fair split of household duties I.e. wife work. You need to list everything you each do, make it flexible that you can add things on as the children grow.
2. Go through the list and agree who will be responsible for each task or a fair division e.g. who cooks, cleans up etc. on non- working day.
3. Consider both working 4 days a week, tax wise this maximises net income.
4. See this as an opportunity to rebuild your career or even start a new career. As pp poster said a phased approach may help. It also means you can make sure he is taking a fair share of household responsibilities.
5. Make sure you both get personal time for your hobbies, exercise, de stress etc.
6. Agree who will be contact for DC or what you do if you both have a busy work day.
7. If you can don’t work Monday’s, this should mean you get BH added to your leave allowance so you can have the odd day off for you.

I am in a bit of a rut, and wish sort of wish I could be in a work role now that I feel like I should be in, rather than looking at the roles I am applying for and feeling they may not stretch me. But also lacking the confidence to apply for full time roles at more senior levels.

But also you can’t really stretch yourself if you’ve been the one doing most of the life admin and childcare duties. It’s hard to stretch yourself when you feel yourself being pulled backwards with the constraints on your time and mental energy. It’s also probably quite hard as you sound like a reluctant SAHM, were earning similar to DH prior to children but now you aren’t. I think it’s easy to be jealous in that position but owning it is a good first step.

I still don’t think your husband can drop straight down to 3.5 days. I think the starting point in the conversation with him might be that you feel unconfident due to your career stalling, due to the general effects of having young children and the reluctant SAHM. So you’ll look for a job but it might not be enough to cover the dip in salary because you aren’t confident enough to do that yet. The easiest way to build your confidence is to start working again and DH might have to accept that means you’re the one late home for a little while. It’ll be a process for both of you and maybe in a year or two, you’ll be earning more and he might be able to go down to 3.5 days or even 3 days.

You do need to sit down together and be absolutely explicit in your expectations that if you return to work, then on days when you both work you are equally responsible for childcare responsibilities/ looking after Ill children/ cooking/ cleaning.

I would strongly encourage you to try applying for jobs you feel "slightly" unqualified for.

It also sounds like you really want to get back to work.

Good luck!

Apoly for senior roles
You can do it
Seems like even with both part time your family will have great quality of life balance, great income and ability for nice hols, support kids at uni and pensions and outsource some housekeeping
What is not to like ?

Why didn’t you return to work after the second maternity leave? If you resigned to be a SAHM, what has changed?

I think you should chat with him about what would need to be taken off your plate in order for his proposed solution to work for your family. It is a reasonable request and I hope you’re able to work it out between you.

@WickyStizard you can run different levels of earnings for you both through here to see how much impact him cutting hours, your potential salary etc would have on net pay:

listentotaxman.com

But don't forget on top of this to consider that if his gross earnings are under £100k you will also be able to use tax free childcare (20% discount) AND get 30 hours of nursery funding per child rather than 15 hours once they are 3, which makes a HUGE difference and isn't shown up in this calculator so needs to be adjusted for on top to get a true comparison with your current situation.

If you've only been a SAHM for 3 months and worked between your kids then the being in a rut thing is more in your head than anything. It shouldn't really be too hard to find your way back in. 50k isn't exactly entry level.

Not read the full thread but I think both parents working part time is better than one working full time and one not working at all. You both get to earn your own money and you both get to have time with the kids. And it means you get to carry on with your career and you don't have all your eggs in his career basket.

Win win in my view.

But not always possible. But if you can manage it I would absolutely do it.

My DH works full-time but was able to flex his hours so he could pick our son up twice a week from school.

I think both of you being part time sounds like a good idea. For you both to share house/child demands equally could make for a good partnership. I would have loved my former dh to do that! As long as it all goes to plan and works successfully..,

Your household income is pretty high even with you not working, I know people tend to live to their means but could you make cut backs that mean if his income reduces and yours increases from £0 but not necessarily covers what he loses you can still live well? I would start by doing a full financial review of your incomings and outgoings and see what you actually need to be earning between you and go from there.