Husband wants to go part time

[WickyStizard]

I am interested to hear your views, because I am really not sure whether I am unjustifiably feeling pressured here, or whether I should be working harder to understand my Husband's perspective.

Tldr: Husband wants me to get a job (full or part time but significant enough to cover his salary decrease) so he can go part time, and work 3.5 days a week.

Context: My Husband is the main breadwinner, earning just north of 100K + Bonus. Before having kids we both earned in the 50K region, but since kids 5 years ago my salary flat-lined whereas his has accelerated. He also works somewhere with generous paternity leave and after the birth of our 2nd child took a large amount of paternity leave and we took the opportunity to go travelling as a family, which was amazing.

Since we have got back and my husband has returned to work full time he has been putting increasing pressure on me to return to work now that the kids are settled back into school and nursery(3 days a week). He wants to drop from full time to 3.5 days, so he can spend more time with the kids and doing pick ups etc.

He wants me to get a full time or part time role so he can do this. A full time role working remotely would bring in slightly more than the loss of his earnings over the 1.5 days a week, but would take me out of action for 5 days (worst case scenario) or 3 days (best case).

At home, as well as doing drop offs, pick ups, and bed times (he is home late 3 nights out of 5) I also do all the shopping, cooking, washing, most of the cleaning etc.

It's clearly not clear cut, hence the question!

Sounds reasonable as long as he shares the housework and childcare. Both parents working part time can often be absolutely ideal.

I get you but she shouldn’t have to work 5 days, because she earns less, to make up his wages.

She's highly unlikely to need to work more than 2 or 3 days per week to make up for his drop in net earnings given the extreme levels of tax he will be paying on the upper part of his salary as pointed out upthread. In fact while they have children in nursery he may have higher net income from working less because the marginal tax rate can be over 100%.

I'd look at the facts

• what jobs are our there for you to apply for
• how much do they pay
• full financial planning
• full lifestyle maintenance planning. If you both work part time 3-4 days/week each then I would be very clear that all the tasks associated with running the house, running your lives & organising the children need to shared 50-50. I would have a draft list ready to start that conversation.

My concern would be that your partner sees himself having 1.5 day's/ week basically to play with the kids & he'd expect you to work similar hours to hom but still run the entire household.

And here's the start of my list re running your life

Meals
Menu planning - food shopping - cooking - clearing up - washing up - lunches (packed or at home)
Clothes
Washing - drying - ironing - updating/replacing as children grow/ they wear out - school uniform - labelling all children's clothes - shoe shopping
Admin
House & contents insurance - broadband - mobiles - energy - water- rates - TV licence - various subscriptions
Car(s) tax - insurance- maintenance- MOT - parking permits
House
Cleaning
Feather dust high levels - dust - sweep - mop - hoover - clean toilets - showers - shower enclosures - bathroom sinks - kitchen units - fridge .
Put stuff away (toys, papers, clothes, shoes, radom crap that everyone brings in)
Children
To/from school with appropriate stuff for that day (& lunch) - in & after school events - after school clubs - ad hoc things eg parties Inc gift, play dates. Dentist, doctors etc
Then there's the less frequent things

When I started on The List with my partner prior to birth of no3 child he went into shock and admitted he'd never thought about hkaf of these things.
Don't under sell what you are currently doing - its masses and we women usually do the bulk of the lifestyle maintenance (as my American friend calls it)

It sounds like a great idea. It protects you financially (pension, career), and allows a recalibration of household tasks.

I think this changes things. From the sounds of it you lost your job after your second maternity leave or left your job to go travelling with your husband during his paternity leave which presumably was a joint decision.

Now you are applying for jobs as the intention was always for you to go back to work, but he’s putting pressure on your job search by bringing his desire to drop hours in the mix.

As a family I think it’s best for you to focus on your job search and when that’s done and you’re in a new role- you and your husband can discuss how you might be able to make part time work a reality for both of you.

Please correct me if my understanding of your current situation is wrong. Your first post doesn’t seem to reflect your current situation, or seems to be asking the wrong question hence the response you’re getting.

I think you working part time sounds reasonable, as long as he takes on half the household and childcare. Sit down and say this is what I do, this is what you do and how are we going to split it now we both do the same amount of hours.

I thin it would be fair if you both worked just under full-time hours. Say 4 days a week each.

I think it's a great idea for you to work p/t and him to drop hours. But it's not reasonable for him to expect your earning power to be on a par with his, it might not even be same as before in your first role. I don't think it would be fair for you to have to work full time just to make up the difference in income.
I don't know why you wouldn't be making a plan for a return to work anyway, did you intend to SAHP indefinitely? If not, then best to start now and find something with potential for progression.

I think he’s being unreasonable because in order to facilitate his 2 days off, it costs you 5 days at work. Doesn’t seem fair

I think it would selfish and unfair that continue not to work now the kids are in nursery/school whilst he works full time. His request is completely fair and he has the right to be able to drops off etc.

It is very hard to argue why he shouldn’t have the opportunity to work part time and spend time with the children, that you have had. But t does need to be on the understanding that he increased his share of housework and admin.

Yes a lot of posters wanting to jump in with the "poor menz" routine without bothering to read your posts.

You have shared the parental leave, but you have borne the pregnancies and tough early months along with the career hit and most of the home load whilst he gets the easier parental leave periods and his career has lost nothing.
He has had a pretty good deal frankly.

You won't be able to make up the shortfall in salary if he drops to 3.5 days, even if you go full time whilst he works part time now that the really tough bit of caring for two babies is done.

You could mutually agree that you can both afford a bit of a drop income if you both do four days a week which might enable you to claw back some career loss (and he would have to then pick up an equal share of the home load). Would this work? Its a model which can bring good overall benefits if both parents are genuinely committed.

Yes I agree with this

OP’s update says she’s only been a SAHM for 3 months and has been applying for work as she’s always intended to go back to work (she hasn’t confirmed this though I have asked, but it sounds like she left her job so they could go travelling as a family 9 months ago during her husbands paternity leave).

I think the question OP meant to ask is would it be fair for him to drop hours even though when she gets a job she’ll still be doing the bulk of the house admin, cleaning and mental load.

OP has confirmed that they’ve had the same amount of maternity and paternity leave both times - she’s only been a sahm for 3 months while she’s applying for jobs. She should have put this in her first post though as it’s relevant information.

knowing that I also do a lot of other things during the week that will not dissapear when I also start working and that is the first thing you need to address. As pointed out by @StripeyDeckchair there is a lot of mental load stuff that sometimes is unseen as things just "magically" happen.

As a sahm with children I made a point of saying things like I am just cleaning the dishwasher trap like I do every month, or the same with the tumble dryer. I wanted my children to see all the small details that went into life, got them involved in meal planning and shopping. Your Dh seems either oblivious to things or is deliberately not mentioning them because he wants you to continue on as before and add a job into it.

I saw it a lot when sahm's returned to work when their children started school but their Dh's assumed they would still do all the stuff they had done whilst not working. So his role was go to work, that's it, just go to work. The house and the children were the wife's responsibility.

A lot of men seem to want to do this but rarely during the pre school years. On the face of it and has many PPs have said you had your time and now it's his turn. But the reality isn't fair at all. You're time as a SAHM was with pre schoolers at home. Arguably harder than going to work. Now the DC are in childcare the majority of his time at home would be for his benefit. He wants days off, you didn't get that. Your earning potential is obviously affected too. I think trying to find a job 4 days a week may be easier, or compressed hours. Maybe you could both do that?

So long as he steps up, yes, perfectly reasonable.

If you can manage it, I think that you should go back to work part time. You could do 3.5 days as well, and then you both have 1.5 days off with the children, to work around their nurseries.

Some things to make clear to him, though. One, your job is not the secondary, less important job, even if you earn less to start with due to your time out. If you are to do it you need a genuine shot at building your own career. That means that when kids are sick you share the leave equally, same for half terms. He does not get the benefits of a SAHM partner if you are working too. Two, he does 50% of the housework and home admin. His job is not just looking after the kids on his time off, it's upkeeping the house too.

He is not being unreasonable to want you to work.

You would not be unreasonable to want him to pick up more childcare responsibilities and domestic tasks if you were working.

It would be much better for your financial future and independence if you were working.

I can't believe you're even questioning this. of course he should work less and you should work, so you both get even time with kids. he of course needs to understand he has to do a proportionate amount of housework etc, as well.

Ask him how much more of the domestic responsibilities he will be committing to once he goes part time.

I think his request for you to get a job is fine - provided he steps up and you do 50/50 on the housework, admin, kids etc etc Does he realise that would change how much he does at home?

We used to have a setup where DH worked 4 days and I worked 2, but I did all child related admin, food shopping, laundry etc. Then when both DC went to school he went back to 5 and I worked 4 short days during school hours. Then I worked 2 full and 2 short days and he worked 3 full and 2 short. All of these worked well for us. Since having a 3rd child with SEN he now works 4 days and I don't work at all, but I would like to return part time when I can.

I don't think he's being unreasonable. If he wants to spend more time at home with the kids and you pick up some of the financial slack then that's only fair, however he does then need to pick up more of the household stuff. If you're going to be working then you can't also be dealing with 100% of the life admin, childcare etc.

Additionally, I see so many stories on here where the wife has stayed home with the kids, gives up their career, then gets to their 40s and husband has an affair/buggers off. I know that sounds horribly negative, but for this reason alone I think it's so important to have your own independence and not solely rely on someone else for financial support.