Husband wants to go part time

[WickyStizard]

I am interested to hear your views, because I am really not sure whether I am unjustifiably feeling pressured here, or whether I should be working harder to understand my Husband's perspective.

Tldr: Husband wants me to get a job (full or part time but significant enough to cover his salary decrease) so he can go part time, and work 3.5 days a week.

Context: My Husband is the main breadwinner, earning just north of 100K + Bonus. Before having kids we both earned in the 50K region, but since kids 5 years ago my salary flat-lined whereas his has accelerated. He also works somewhere with generous paternity leave and after the birth of our 2nd child took a large amount of paternity leave and we took the opportunity to go travelling as a family, which was amazing.

Since we have got back and my husband has returned to work full time he has been putting increasing pressure on me to return to work now that the kids are settled back into school and nursery(3 days a week). He wants to drop from full time to 3.5 days, so he can spend more time with the kids and doing pick ups etc.

He wants me to get a full time or part time role so he can do this. A full time role working remotely would bring in slightly more than the loss of his earnings over the 1.5 days a week, but would take me out of action for 5 days (worst case scenario) or 3 days (best case).

At home, as well as doing drop offs, pick ups, and bed times (he is home late 3 nights out of 5) I also do all the shopping, cooking, washing, most of the cleaning etc.

It's clearly not clear cut, hence the question!

Isn't it just? He's not unreasonable at all.

I just don’t see how you’ve had the exact same amount of time off in the past 5 years as your husband.
You took maternity leave with DC1, so are you saying he had 6 months paternity leave and you also returned to work at 6 months? Did you return to work full time?
How did you go travelling if he was using his paternity leave and you had already had 6 months off?
What was the conversation around you becoming a SAHP 3 months ago? Was that ever the plan?

At the minute you can’t compare the amount you do in the home while not working. Of course you do more when you have 1 child in school, 1 child in nursery and you don’t work whereas your DH works full time.

Is it reasonable for you to also contribute to the household financially so your husband doesn’t remain the sole earner? Yes.
Is it reasonable that you do less in the home when you are also working? Yes.

I don’t really see how “it’s not clear cut”.

I'm not sure I get this - did you lose your job, or was it a decision for you to become a SAHP? Did you have materinity with DC2?

Well I’d make VERY clear to him that he will have to do half the cooking, cleaning, sick days, school runs etc, but as long as hes ok with that, then I think it’s a good thing

I would support my husband's wish to drop his hours, but only if he really, truly commits to taking on his fair share of the childcare and housework. He may have underestimated this.

Also to give what we do: me and DP both work 4 days a week, DP less hours than me. I earn twice as much as he does, but we both want time with DC. DP would work less hours if he could, I like working. DP does more around the house, I do the DC life admin, it just about works out. We compromise on finances. If DP wanted to, he could work a different job, higher stress, more hours and more money. We prefer earning less and having a better life balance. It's all a trade.

And also make sure that all the other jobs that are usually, conveniently, ignored are also split 50/50, homes don't only run on childcare, cleaning, cooking 'family admin' etc. especially where there is outside space that needs maintaining and so on.

He earns a good salary. You can live comfortably on the salary he would earn working 3.5 days plus bonus. If you can make up any of the drop in income it's a bonus not a necessity. If he's happy to cut his cloth to meet the changed circumstances he should definitely work part time. Life is too short to work full time if you don't have to.

Seems perfectly fair and reasonable.
@StripeyDeckchair is making the household tasks far more dramatic than it has to be. We work 4 days each and manage to do all the things on that list without drama

Honestly, this could be win-win, provided he picks up his share of the housework.

I will say, however, that I know couples where the man has expected the woman to stop working when the children are small and then been annoyed when she doesn't just leap back into a well-paid job as soon as they're at school, as if you can turn your career on and off like a tap. Being a SAHP is a privilege but it's also a sacrifice, which is why both parents need to be behind whatever decisions are made and appreciate both contributions.

If I were you I'd right down all the things you do that you'd need to hand over to him - the family admin, the cleaning, everything that if you were to work 5 days a week he'd need to take over. If he agrees to do that then I would go for it but hold your ground and don't pick up the slack other than your part of it your still doing.

Your situation makes me uneasy. I'm retired now but I know that my husband was jealous of me being the one more at home (even though I only ever didn't work for 6 months after our twins were born and I saved up to cover the costs of that 6 months!).

I can see from MN that there has been a big cultural change and younger women want and can have, to a certain extent, careers of their own but isn't equal pay still an issue and have men really changed to the extent that they can be relied upon to pick up the pieces, do ALL the domestic tasks that a SAH/part time working mother does while noticing the kids state of mind, happiness or not at school, welfare etc and that's not just remembering the dentist appointments if they are lucky enough to have a dentist?

Your post made me angry on your behalf because change hasn't necessarily been for the better in the last 30+ year as far as I can see. FWIW, I feel he's dumping you in it so he can have what he thinks is 'some time off'.

I agree that maybe you should be discussing equal part time working or that he should continue to work full time while you set yourself up. I bet he doesn't have the faintest how difficult it is for women returning to the workforce after absence, not least regarding pay!! Good luck OP, stand your ground.

3.5 days is weird as .5 doesn't really help anyone. Why don't you both work 4 days a week with different days off.

I think it's great that he wants to be such a hands-on dad as long as you share all the other tasks equally when you're both working.

YABU by expecting him to work FT whilst you're at home if that's not what he wants.

Ok,

Well that is what OP is doing now as she is a SAHM. OP has not confirmed if that was part of the conversation. I would assume household chores would be also shared along with work and pick off/drops off?

Echo the folks who suggest that you both aim for 4 days a week each initially - friends have done this since DC born (one does Mon-Thurs and the other Tues-Fri) and split everything domestically down the middle. They have a great marriage and family life.

Make sure you sit down for a proper planning session of who will pick up what in terms of household repsonsibilities (mental load as well as physical). Stop talking/thinking about paternity leave etc - it's irrelevant to convesations about equitable split of time moving forward.

Agree. Another thing to consider is that women who have been on maternity leave/SAHM for a long time tend to automatically fall into the 'domestic drudgery wifework' trap, and the men get used to not doing it. If he wants to go part time and you are working and you have two very small children, he wont really be able to slack off, and he will be used to doing the childrearing as well. Sounds like a good compromise for both of you to go part time.

Is he a hands on dad - was any of his paternity leave done totally alone, so that he was handling everything that you are doing now, or was it alongside you, and you still carried the majority of the load. 6 months and travelling as a family is a very different kettle of fish to the day in day out and keeping on top of everything, especially if kids are quite little, and there is another parent on hand. Its kind of like an extended holiday, and I can see the appeal of wanting more of that.
The fact you are talking about things that will still need doing seems to suggest that you have taken the role of everything apart from earning the wage - wheras he should still be doing a share of the day to day - not just the pick and choose good bits. Its amazing how full a calender can get once there are kids involved, and keeping on top of this and thinking forward / planning is a job in itself - how much of this did he do in his paternity leave. Was the previous paternity leave shared, and did he look after that child alone?

Not that I am suggesting that a more family friendly life/work balance isnt sensible - its just it needs to work for everyone, and it needs to be fair

If he doesn't want to work full time any more then it would be fair for you both to go part time. If I were you I wouldn't take on a full time role and allow him to work part time though, he'll have to accept income will just be lower 🤷‍♀️

It's 100% fine for him not to want to be the sole earner. He also seems to want to step up to do the school runs etc... I don't see what's wrong with that at all. I'm going back to work after taking a year's maternity in May. My husband is then taking the 26 weeks leave he's entitled to plus the 7 weeks partially paid leave (Ireland). I am delighted that he'll get time with the children. Long-term, if we could afford for him to go part time, I'd be happy to do that. I think the idea that the primary carer at home always has to be the mother is deeply sexist.

I think that’s quite reasonable but I’m assuming he would take over some of the household chores/management and childcare so that you would both have an equal amount of personal free time. I work 2 days a week and do most of the childcare and housework. Husband works full time but has significant time off when kids at school (due to shift and weekend working) so we both get a nice balance and time off when kids at school. I would have thought there would be a significant tax/childcare benefit if your husband reduces his salary to under 100k, could you then access more childcare?

so long as 'stepping up to do the school runs' isnt the only thing that he thinks he should be doing. If the little one is tiny, it makes sense for him to be looking after them at home, and saving the money on the nursery fees. Nursery should be saved for the times when both parents are working. Especially if his argument is about spending more times with the kids.

Did he share the workload equally during paternity leave?

Or just the bits he likes?

Admin, laundry, planning, etc.

EXACTLY how are things split?

I also think you should make a list of the all the Domestic Admin that you do, & tell him he will have to wash, iron, shop, clean, feed animals, cook dinner, make lunch boxes, pay bills, research new insurance, renew passports, book dentist, book holidays, buy Xmas presents. juggle play dates/calendars.... (You get my drift.)
There is a huge chance that he has no idea what really goes on as "Stay at home Parent" its not just picking them up from school & waiting for dinner to be served.

I don’t necessarily agree, if little one is happy at nursery and parents paying for nursery then can’t see what is wrong with utilising this resource. Otherwise you can end up with someone opting for a less stressful much lower paid job just so they don’t feel they need so much time off, a bit counterproductive really. Some toddlers are not much work, nap in afternoon and go to bed at 7 and some are completely exhausting. No one should be judging people for trying to get decent balance for their mental health and family