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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants to go part time

425 replies

WickyStizard · 02/11/2023 11:52

I am interested to hear your views, because I am really not sure whether I am unjustifiably feeling pressured here, or whether I should be working harder to understand my Husband's perspective.

Tldr: Husband wants me to get a job (full or part time but significant enough to cover his salary decrease) so he can go part time, and work 3.5 days a week.

Context: My Husband is the main breadwinner, earning just north of 100K + Bonus. Before having kids we both earned in the 50K region, but since kids 5 years ago my salary flat-lined whereas his has accelerated. He also works somewhere with generous paternity leave and after the birth of our 2nd child took a large amount of paternity leave and we took the opportunity to go travelling as a family, which was amazing.

Since we have got back and my husband has returned to work full time he has been putting increasing pressure on me to return to work now that the kids are settled back into school and nursery(3 days a week). He wants to drop from full time to 3.5 days, so he can spend more time with the kids and doing pick ups etc.

He wants me to get a full time or part time role so he can do this. A full time role working remotely would bring in slightly more than the loss of his earnings over the 1.5 days a week, but would take me out of action for 5 days (worst case scenario) or 3 days (best case).

At home, as well as doing drop offs, pick ups, and bed times (he is home late 3 nights out of 5) I also do all the shopping, cooking, washing, most of the cleaning etc.

It's clearly not clear cut, hence the question!

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 02/11/2023 12:55

WickyStizard · 02/11/2023 11:58

Sorry, I wasn't clear, he has had 6 months paid paternity leave which he took between the 6 month and 1 year stage. He has not been starved of getting to know the kids! But I do understand and want to encourage his relationship with the children.

He’s their father, not the au pair! He has as much right to work pt as you do to not work at all

kitsuneghost · 02/11/2023 12:55

I would say 3.5 days each is fair
I wouldn't do more than him even if you are slightly short on making u the money

But as others have said - you need to be clear that ALL childcare and household chores are shared and he is not just picking up the kids from school and calling it job done.

Coffeerum · 02/11/2023 12:56

WickyStizard · 02/11/2023 11:58

Sorry, I wasn't clear, he has had 6 months paid paternity leave which he took between the 6 month and 1 year stage. He has not been starved of getting to know the kids! But I do understand and want to encourage his relationship with the children.

Also I love how for him 6 months should be more than enough time with his kids, but you don't want to go back to work after 5 years. Logical.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 02/11/2023 12:56

Will he pick up the housework like you do too?

Motheranddaughter · 02/11/2023 12:56

Seems totally reasonable to me

LegendsBeyond · 02/11/2023 13:00

Totally fair that you get a job and contribute financially. No reason why he should have to bear all the financial responsibility.

Nevermind31 · 02/11/2023 13:00

Is he aware that part time will mean bigger share of housework and daily drudgery, not me time, as you will need to do less in the household?
if that is clear, then of course you should.

Original poster
WickyStizard · 02/11/2023 13:01

Coffeerum · 02/11/2023 12:56

Also I love how for him 6 months should be more than enough time with his kids, but you don't want to go back to work after 5 years. Logical.

Show quote history

Just a point of clarification, he has had the same time off work for paternity leave as I have had for maternity leave in the last 5 years. I worked between the birth of DC1 and DC2. The only time I have been a SAHP is for the last 3 months.

OP posts:
pastaandpesto · 02/11/2023 13:01

Slightly off topic but I've just checked out the TenToTwo agency that a PP suggested and I'm quietly seething

see https://www.ten2two.org/candidates

Women - "Carry on doing everything you are already doing to keep your family afloat AND take on the responsibility of a career as well!"

Men - "Hey! You're working too much! Kick back and follow your dream!"

Part Time Flexible Working Jobs | Ten2Two Recruitment

Find flexible work and part time jobs locally. For professionals seeking reduced hours, job share or freelance roles and other flexible working options

https://www.ten2two.org/candidates

Nepmarthiturn · 02/11/2023 13:02

Coffeerum · 02/11/2023 12:52

@CyberCritical His desire to go part time is understandable but in order to make up the shortfall, even if you go back on the same salary you were in you'll need to work twice as many days as he has off.

Given his salary, the tax bracket he falls into and the cut off for things like TFC this is actually incredibly unlikely.

Yes. With children in nursery, losing the personal allowance, tax free childcare and nursery funding can easily make the marginal tax rate on earnings exceeding £100k over 100% and they may therefore find they are better off in terms of net pay from her husband cutting his hours down before any earnings from the OP are even considered in the equation! It's such a ridiculous system and a huge disincentive to full time work but may well mean this is an easily soluble problem for the OP's family. Even if her husband's marginal tax rate works out at a little under 100% it's still really not worth him working full time if he gets to keep such a tiny amount of his earnings for the 4th and 5th day of work each week. And it's great he wants to support the OP to reestablish her career, also.

Feministeee · 02/11/2023 13:03

Not if she flat out refuses. They could sit down and agree it and her job conditional on that, rather than assume he will just somehow get away with doing sweet fa

Spendonsend · 02/11/2023 13:03

I think both working part time, sharing the fun child stuff, and sharing the less fun housework/child stuff sounds great. I would really like that. Even if the household was a little less well off.

I think id be ok with my dh part time and me FT if dh took on the bulk of the burden of housework, shopping and crap like dental, doctors, opticians, rememering world book day etc. I wouldnt expect him to do it all in this scenario. Just be the main person for it..

It would be a no to working full time and still doing all the shitwork whilst he did all the nice things with the kids and hobbies.

Namerequired · 02/11/2023 13:04

Surely the children are at an easier age now. So you stayed home during the hard time, and now they are at school or nursery he wants to stay home?
Both go part time if that suits. It’s not up to you to make up his wages. You sacrificed your wages in building your family. You shouldn’t need to work anymore than him. 50/50 childcare 50/50 everything else household. Earning aren’t relevant, other than bills needing paid obviously so yous work to what suits the family be that 3, 4 or 5 days each.
It’s fair that he wants you to share the financial burden and he share time with the kids. His way of working it isn’t necessarily fair.

PennywisePoundFoolish · 02/11/2023 13:04

Will his work be agreeable to him dropping his hours?
I'd think full-time work mostly based out of the home would be the way to go. So you're new job gets the full attention and your husband can establish how he deals with domestic drudgery.

ChatBFP · 02/11/2023 13:05

If I were him, I'd go 4 days. He would barely earn less as you can get tax free childcare and don't have the high marginal tax on his bonus.

Then you could probably just do a couple of days.

Then review from there - draw up a list of jobs that you do that he would take on when he is off. This may prompt a realisation too....

Springingintosummer · 02/11/2023 13:05

In the short term, if he is wanting more time off work, he can apply for parental leave.
can take up to max 4 weeks a year, think maximum of 13 weeks in total over the children’s childhood until they are 18.

my husband does this … he takes two weeks a year, it has to be taken in solid blocks so he then uses his annual leave to take days or half days from work for things to do with the children. Our combined income is less than 100k though and no bonuses in our jobs.

Original poster
WickyStizard · 02/11/2023 13:05

Thanks all for your responses. Really interesting to hear about how things work in your families too. It may have come across that I don't want a job, I do. I spend much of the time in the 3 days a week I have applying for jobs!

I guess I am just feeling the pressure of doing that, knowing that I also do a lot of other things during the week that will not dissapear when I also start working.
For my own mental health and long term well being a joint part-time part-time set up will of course be optimum, but right now it feels like a big hurdle. I liked the suggestion of ramping up while he ramps down. I will talk to him about this as a good way forward.

OP posts:
Nepmarthiturn · 02/11/2023 13:07

Namerequired · 02/11/2023 13:04

Surely the children are at an easier age now. So you stayed home during the hard time, and now they are at school or nursery he wants to stay home?
Both go part time if that suits. It’s not up to you to make up his wages. You sacrificed your wages in building your family. You shouldn’t need to work anymore than him. 50/50 childcare 50/50 everything else household. Earning aren’t relevant, other than bills needing paid obviously so yous work to what suits the family be that 3, 4 or 5 days each.
It’s fair that he wants you to share the financial burden and he share time with the kids. His way of working it isn’t necessarily fair.

Lol! Making up "his wages" i.e. their household income is of course equally the OP's responsibility as her husband's! And he isn't suggesting he "stays at home", he's suggesting he works 70% FTE. Isn't this him "sacrificing his wages to build the family"? Or does that only apply when a woman does it?

110APiccadilly · 02/11/2023 13:08

I don't think he's unreasonable to want to work less. I do think he's unreasonable if he expects you to work FT.

We were the other way round - I worked FT and have the higher earning potential and DH didn't work. When I was expecting DD2, I said to DH that I didn't want that to be a permanent arrangement. We now both work between 18 - 30 hours a week. He works slightly more hours, but I earn more. We also save a small fortune in nursery costs as we work round each other.

I would never have expected DH to have to work enough hours to replace my lost salary - that, in my view, would have been very unfair. We had to work out, of course, that we could afford to live on what we do earn.

Bear in mind that two PT earners have significant tax advantages over one FT.

WonderingAboutBabies · 02/11/2023 13:08

As a child who was NEVER picked up by her dad, never saw him in the evenings as he was home past my bedtime, who only saw her dad at weekends - I say let him do it. He is clearly wanting to spend more time with his kids, and everyone will benefit from it. The kids will love seeing their dad more, he will love it too, and you have the opportunity to progress in your career! WIN-WIN-WIN

Feministeee · 02/11/2023 13:09

What are your values in terms of career and money vs being available emotionally and physically for your children?
Maybe it’s time to revise your initial plans. Are you tied into a huge mortgage for example? It’s not a given that you have to continue being. What’s it all for?

How could you create the scenario where you are both truly as happy as possible in terms of what matters the most.
Everyone here is talking like earning the same amount going forward is a given. Does it have to be?
Defo he has to agree to the home chores of course!

bonzaitree · 02/11/2023 13:11

There is a cynical way of looking at this. How is your relationship OP?

I wouldn’t put it past some people to lower their earnings and increase childcare before getting divorced to ensure they pay less or no maintenance and have greater argument for 50/50 custody.

Maybe I’m just cynical…

Mischance · 02/11/2023 13:13

We did exactly this when my OH was 42 - finances took a bit of a hit and there was a lot of rejigging of life and expectations. He was a GP and moved over to doing two morning surgeries pw, all the holiday cover for his previous practice and occasional benefits agency medical examinations.

There was not a lot of choice really as his mental health was going down the pan so we had to pull together as a family to deal with this.

My now adult DDs were fully kept in the picture, even though they were young, and they have always said that it was an important lesson in their lives about family unity. The decision did impact on them quite markedly as a house downsize was needed. But they understood why it was happening.

Namerequired · 02/11/2023 13:13

Nepmarthiturn · 02/11/2023 13:07

Lol! Making up "his wages" i.e. their household income is of course equally the OP's responsibility as her husband's! And he isn't suggesting he "stays at home", he's suggesting he works 70% FTE. Isn't this him "sacrificing his wages to build the family"? Or does that only apply when a woman does it?

Show quote history

I get you but she shouldn’t have to work 5 days, because she earns less, to make up his wages. She can’t just walk into a 100k job or we would all do it. Just like he couldn’t get pregnant and give birth to have the children they wanted.
They are building a home and family together. Equitable not necessarily equal. They need to work out what they need to run the house, cut their belt to suit and share their time at work and home to match.

Nepmarthiturn · 02/11/2023 13:13

What are your values in terms of career and money vs being available emotionally and physically for your children?

But her DH would be emotionally and physically available for her children when she is not? The proposal isn't to increase their time in childcare, rather to make things more equal in terms of time parenting/ working for each parent. So how is this relevant?