To be envious that Victoria Coren Mitchell has a second baby at 51

[Monetm]

https://www.ok.co.uk/tv/breaking-victoria-coren-mitchell-baby-31338022.amp

Just that, really. I’m sure there will be a lot of posts on here about it’s too old and she should have done it sooner, but given that she didn’t, I am envious that she has the money and the luck and the situation to be able to do it now.

Can you imagine how different women’s lives would be if we just didn’t have to worry so much about the end of our fertility?

@Reugny yes. It is quite an anomaly for a couple to have no living parents out of 4. Would you disagree with that?

@EtonMessy I'm sorry to hear your parents passed, it is tough.

If, as someone else said, all had babies at 51 I'm sure we can all agree that would suck massively. There would no grandparents at all.

Lots of people live a long way away from their parents, or are low or no contact by choice. Not everyone has, or would want, the cosy extended family setup that is assumed to be normal/essential on mumsnet.

There are all sorts of situations that are suboptimal for having children. The most common seems to be having them with a shit man. I don't see why having them when the mother is older (which attracts far more criticism than when a man does it) is so much more selfish and terrible than anything else.

@SurprisedWithAHorse That's a bloody good point!

There are all sorts of situations that are suboptimal for having children. The most common seems to be having them with a shit man. I don't see why having them when the mother is older (which attracts far more criticism than when a man does it) is so much more selfish and terrible than anything else.

This is the best post on the thread. Exactly this.

@Cronk I didn't realise death could be planned out.. Anyone can die at any age of anything or have any quality of life impacting their children. Does that mean women with a high risk of breast cancer shouldn't have kids? Women who suffer depression or MS shouldn't have kids? Someone who is obese shouldn't have kids? Someone at risk of homelessness or living in a area with a high crime rate shouldn't have kids?

Also statistically people are more likely to die in a car accident than other forms of transport - does that mean people who drive to work shouldn't have kids, only people using trains or walking?

If people had kids thinking about the quality of their lives their kids would have and refraining if it was less than ideal - the world would be a happier less crowded place. But that isn't human or natural so let's stop burdening older women with the pressure of giving kids a perfect life, when there's a sizeable chunk of abandoned/abused/orphaned/neglected kids born to women under the age of 50, some of whom are shock horror are raised successfully by their grandparents.

Look, I'm not reading all of that and I have no idea why you disagree with me.

If everyone had children at 51, it's pretty certain that grandparents of 102 would be dead.

The older you are, the more likely you are to have age related health issues.

Sheesh.

I'm low contact with one parent but luckily have one more, and my DH's parents around. It would be very tough not to have any at all.

Nothing to do with cosy set up, anyone who has children knows you can get burned out, resentful and struggle with MH if you're stressed and without a break.

But not everyone has children at 51. In fact, so few women do that it makes headlines.

But how many people have kids with men who were already known to be shit partners and fathers, or when they aren't financially secure, or have some sort of health condition, or aren't securely housed, or are immature teenagers, or...?

Omg I was responding to one poster who said it's better to have children at 51

Or rather, if we could, we should all do it. I say no, that's a terrible idea.

There would be no lining grandparents and support and there is no financial benefit to doing that.

@Ilovecakey I agree! I had my first baby at 40 via IVF but then went on to have a natural conception and a second baby at 45 so it’s a lot more common than people think, especially these days. So I might be an older parent than some but I made up for that by giving them my time and attention because we were financially secure which isn’t usually the case when you’re in your 20s or 30s. I’d had a hectic life and career having been working for 25 years by the time I had my first and I was eagerly and excitedly prepared to devote my time to them. They are fantastic kids, polite, hardworking and happy with family life and doing well in their chosen careers. I think I had them at the perfect time for all of us.

Well of course it was a choice. They didn't have to have another child.

All right, Captain Pedant. It may not have been by choice that they didn't have this child sooner.

Yes I do get that.

You'd know why I was disagreeing with you if you read it. Probably take the same amount of time to read as the utterly banal response you spent time composing that misses the point completely.

DH and I are currently trying to start a family. I'm in my 40s, he's in his 30s. We live in a different country to all of our family and close friends. We have contact with our parents, but obviously they will not be around to help out on a day to day basis, nor would we want them to, for various reasons, even if geography was not an issue. Tbh there have been lots of things I've worried about in terms of starting a family, but having no grandparents around is not one of them. For some people it may be important, but it's certainly not essential. Having spent many years living internationally, I've known lots of very happy families that don't have extended family even on the same continent. It's fine.

I had my kids later on (40s). Mum was in her 90s when she died (also had me in her 40s) so was around when they were little up to when they were tweens. She was never interested in being a hands on Grandmother so that was not an option to rely on, even with my sisters kids who were born much earlier than mine (so she was much fitter and able to help but chose not to.) I never once felt like I had an older mum so it wasn’t a stigma to be an older mum myself, she was always very youthful even in her dotage. All this negativity about older mothers is awful and quite regressive. It’s not a new thing, people went on and on to have children until their childbearing years ended. Conversely my close childhood friend had very young parents both of whom were dead in her 20s so know one knows what is going to happen. Life throws you some curve balls, sometimes you don’t meet the right partner until later in life, sometimes careers get in the way. There are lots of reasons to have kids later, it’s not a crime nor is it any more selfish than having them earlier when you are possibly you her and stupider and making bad life choices. Jesus, if I had had kids in my early 20s with my then partner it would have been a shit show and they definitely would have been brought up in a broken home. Is that any wiser a choice?

I don’t know why the grandparent issue has been raised as a valid issue in deciding at what age to have a child. If one personally feels one needs support and assistance with child raising then, aI guess that’s up to the individual. However, I had no grandparents myself and nor did my DC,s father and we never considered what our own parents might have to offer as a factor.
None of my friends parents, that I can recall took an active part in assisting parenting. If they were available then they were not relied upon for regular care or babysitting. I worked full time and sourced and paid for the childcare needed.
I think posters need to trust that most adults can be relied upon to make decisions based on their own knowledge of their circumstances.

Plus, anyone, tell me an unselfish reason for having a planned baby?

The things some people say l I honestly think they'd be fine with 85 year olds having children because their "neighbour died in their 30s, no one can predict death and they could live to 105 and the child would be an adult by then" 🙄

Vegans don't get tired out in their 60s or 70s, you're talking about unhealthy meat eaters etc who don't look after themselves. Google vegan bodies at these ages and you'll be shocked 😲

I don’t know why the grandparent issue has been raised as a valid issue in deciding at what age to have a child

Well no, nobody bases their decision on whether to have children on their parents.

That doesn't mean parental support isn't a 'valid issue'. Again, if everyone had children at 51 as was suggested by one person, there would be no grandparents and not even a slither of a chance for support.

It's certainly not a desirable thing to have no parents even just for emotional support and company when out with the kids.

That totally depends on who your parents are!

Well yeah... everything depends

I also wondered this - it’s not unheard of. I’m not far off Victoria’s age and not in menopause yet which means although unlikely (v unlikely as DH has had the snip!) it’s not biologically impossible. I wish them all the best. We struggled with fertility and if we hadn’t been fortunate enough to eventually have our DC (in my thirties) I would still be broody now. Many children are born into dreadful situations; I don’t think older wealthy parents who love them dearly is the worst situation. Parents can die at any age as I have first hand experience of.