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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to help FIL after surgery?

390 replies

fluffyboos · 01/11/2023 16:51

I dont have the best relationship with my in laws due to their past behaviour towards me.
FIL is especially very sarcastic, offensive and irritating.

FIL has come out of hospital due to surgery on his prostate and will be on bed rest for at least 4 weeks.

My husband wants me to go round with a box of chocolates and a card and offer to help and perhaps try and make peace.

My main issue is that when my own father was diagnosed with prostate cancer at the height of the lockdown, my in laws offered me no support whatsoever.

In fact my FIL even shouted at me calling me lazy for no reason whatsoever, he actually made me cry, all this whilst I couldnt even see my dad whilst he was receiving treatment.

Despite this I still did the bulk of my in laws chores in lockdown and never received a thank you or any appreciation.

I work part time where my husband and his sisters both work full time so they are limited on time.

My MIL has arthritis and will struggle to look after him on her own.

I dont see why I should be expected to help just because I work part time.

In laws are not grateful people and I have told my husband that they cant be nasty and ungrateful but expect help of me.

I have refused to go round and it is causing massive tension in the house.
Surely my husband and his siblings should arrange help between them?

They arent even my parents.

I am all for helping people but not when they have been so disrespectful and nasty towards me.

My husband is now quite upset and not really talking.

Am I being nasty like my husband says?

OP posts:
VickyEadieofThigh · 01/11/2023 16:52

It's HIS responsibility (together with any siblings) - why on earth is he pressurising YOU?

Lampshadeblue · 01/11/2023 16:53

This is your husband’s responsibility. He’s getting nasty cause it’s easier for him to make you do it instead. Stay strong xx

CalistoNoSolo · 01/11/2023 16:53

Absolutely not being U at all. Stick to your guns.

DisforDarkChocolate · 01/11/2023 16:54

Hell no.

If they want help they can pay, or ask their children to help. I would say this even if they weren't horrible to you.

Care is a slippery slope and if you start everyone will assume you're doing it all. After all that means they don't have to do it.

androidnotapple · 01/11/2023 16:55

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Iloveacurry · 01/11/2023 16:55

You’re not being unreasonable. FIL isn’t your responsibility.

Justmuddlingalong · 01/11/2023 16:55

Ignore the tension. He's hoping you buckle so it takes the pressure off him.
FIL is reaping what he's sown. And I'd point that out to DH when he mithers you about it.

Crazycrazylady · 01/11/2023 16:56

I would support your husband to help if he wanted ie doing his share of chores at home so he can help out . I'd also be ok if my husband wanted to pay for some additional home help. But I absolutely wouldn't help out personally nor can I imagine that your Fil would want someone who is doesn't get on with looking after him in such a vulnerable condition.

Forgotmycoat · 01/11/2023 16:59

Hold firm op! your husband has some cheek asking you to make peace with a box of chocolates and offer help, you didn't break the peace! Just keep saying no, they are awful people and need to feel the consequences of being nasty to others.

Even if they were the loveliest people on earth, you wouldn't be under obligation to go and do their chores and help them after surgery. Of course you might be more inclined to if they had behaved decently towards you.

You reap what you sow, it's time they learnt that.

ManateeFair · 01/11/2023 17:00

My husband wants me to go round with a box of chocolates and a card and offer to help and perhaps try and make peace

Does he, indeed? I think in your situation I'd be telling your husband to fuck off. You've done more than enough for your FIL, who has repaid you by shouting at you, insulting you and calling you lazy. It's your FIL who should be 'making peace', not you.

It's not your problem that your husband and sister work full time. If their father needs looking after, then they need to ask for some time off or arrange for a care worker to visit.

Sounds like your husband and your FIL are actually quite similar.

ACCx · 01/11/2023 17:00

Like others have said, stick to your guns and don’t feel pressured or bullied into helping out. Your husband is being unreasonable

ATerrorofLeftovers · 01/11/2023 17:01

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. If care is required over and above what MIL can manage, your husband and his sisters can take annual leave to help, or the family can pay for professional carers to visit.

Your in laws need to realise that’s they can’t expect to treat people like shit and then get that person skivvying for them.

Is the family from a culture where women are seen as lesser than men and responsible for all the shit work?

Tell DH he can try as much passive aggressive pressure as he likes. All he’ll do is damage his marriage. It’s not ever going to result in you acting as an unpaid carer for his ungrateful shit of a father.

ACCx · 01/11/2023 17:02

Also, I agree with previous poster that said it should be your FIL that makes the peace, not you.

Ibravedaflood · 01/11/2023 17:10

Not your dps not your problem..

IncompleteSenten · 01/11/2023 17:12

No you're not.
I wouldn't help people who've treated me like shit and your husband shouldn't expect you to.

TravellingT · 01/11/2023 17:14

YANBU. You can support your husband and SIL so that they can help him. Not your job, you're doing the right thing by protecting your peace

isthewashingdryyet · 01/11/2023 17:14

Bed rest, really
People who have had hip replacements are up and about within 24 hours, I think they are pulling a fast one here.

another saying don’t go

Moveoverdarlin · 01/11/2023 17:16

Nope. Stand your ground..

Lizzieregina · 01/11/2023 17:20

I’m just curious why he’s on bed rest for so long? Does he have some other health issues?

My DH had a radical prostatectomy in August on a Wednesday. By Saturday he was able to do all his catheter care, by Monday he was aggravating me in the kitchen, and 13 days later he returned to work. He didn’t stay in bed a single day except in hospital (discharged Thursday).

In any event, you don’t have to help if he is generally unpleasant to you.

honeyandfizz · 01/11/2023 17:21

As a nurse of many years a patient being told to rest in bed for 4 weeks for prostrate surgery does not sound right to me. If they really cannot manage they need to pay for home care or speak to Social Services.

Alargeoneplease89 · 01/11/2023 17:23

Plenty of people work full time and look after a parent - let them deal with it or pay for care.

I wouldn't help someone who has zero manners and generally rude.

Gerrataere · 01/11/2023 17:23

OP, this wouldn’t be your problem even if you adored your in laws. It’s a classic case of putting care work on the closest female family member they can find, completely unfair in typical circumstances never mind when they have been so rude to you. This is for your husband and his siblings to arrange support, no one else.

Tinkerbyebye · 01/11/2023 17:25

YANBU. Sit your husband down and tell him something really nasty that hurts him, then tell him that’s how you feel EVERY time you have interaction with his father and if he didnt like what you did to him why should you put up with what his father does
to you?

remind him about your father and what happened, give him other examples and tell him you are done. I would also point out how disappointed you are that he thinks it’s acceptable his father treats you like this and it’s not

it is his family, his responsibility and you are done

icewoman · 01/11/2023 17:26

4 weeks bedrest????? unlikely story

Southwest12 · 01/11/2023 17:28

As others have said I'd query the bed rest part. The aim now with all surgery is up and moving ASAP, even on the day of surgery for major abdominal surgery.