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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to help FIL after surgery?

390 replies

fluffyboos · 01/11/2023 16:51

I dont have the best relationship with my in laws due to their past behaviour towards me.
FIL is especially very sarcastic, offensive and irritating.

FIL has come out of hospital due to surgery on his prostate and will be on bed rest for at least 4 weeks.

My husband wants me to go round with a box of chocolates and a card and offer to help and perhaps try and make peace.

My main issue is that when my own father was diagnosed with prostate cancer at the height of the lockdown, my in laws offered me no support whatsoever.

In fact my FIL even shouted at me calling me lazy for no reason whatsoever, he actually made me cry, all this whilst I couldnt even see my dad whilst he was receiving treatment.

Despite this I still did the bulk of my in laws chores in lockdown and never received a thank you or any appreciation.

I work part time where my husband and his sisters both work full time so they are limited on time.

My MIL has arthritis and will struggle to look after him on her own.

I dont see why I should be expected to help just because I work part time.

In laws are not grateful people and I have told my husband that they cant be nasty and ungrateful but expect help of me.

I have refused to go round and it is causing massive tension in the house.
Surely my husband and his siblings should arrange help between them?

They arent even my parents.

I am all for helping people but not when they have been so disrespectful and nasty towards me.

My husband is now quite upset and not really talking.

Am I being nasty like my husband says?

OP posts:
CMOTDibbler · 01/11/2023 18:08

He is totally having you on with the bed rest. My dad had the same operation at the same age, and despite having heart failure, kidney failure and a number of other health problems he was back as my mums main carer the same day

paradoxicalfrog · 01/11/2023 18:09

If your FIL had the operation to remove tissue for benign prostate enlargement, it's an overnight stay and discharge next day. My husband had this operation in his late 60s and he wasn't on any bed rest at all.

Irridescantshimmmer · 01/11/2023 18:12

YANBU

Stand your ground with them, you got this. He was rude to you in the past and does not deserve your help.

currantname · 01/11/2023 18:12

Nah. DH had his prostate removed last year. Was up walking next day. Had a catheter for two weeks but still was out and about with that in. Bed rest is not advised.

TheShellBeach · 01/11/2023 18:15

Of course, if he insists on staying on bed rest for a month, he may get all kinds of complications.
Blood clots, chest infections, urinary tract infections, bed sores........... just a few delights which await him if he's going to go against the advice of his surgical team.

diddl · 01/11/2023 18:16

By the sounds of things FIL doesn't like you-so why would he want your help?

reesewithoutaspoon · 01/11/2023 18:16

At 78 bed rest is the worst thing he can do. He will be at increased risk for DVT,pneumonia and muscle wasting.
Have they misunderstood the advice to take it easy for 4 weeks(IE no heavy lifting). He absolutely needs to get up and get moving.

Toddlerteaplease · 01/11/2023 18:19

Are you sure he's on bed rest. It's rarely recommended these days as it's actually really bad for you. My dad had prostate surgery and was up and about as pain allowed.

Toddlerteaplease · 01/11/2023 18:20

But I agree. He's not your problem.

MintJulia · 01/11/2023 18:20

YANBU

Your dh is unreasonable to knowingly expose you to such unpleasant people. They are HIS parents and HIS responsibility. Why doesn't he take a few hours off and see to his DF himself. You are not domestic staff !

BrimfulOfMash · 01/11/2023 18:29

Working full time is not a barrier to helping parents with some shopping, cooking, washing etc.

LOL, ask any working woman with kids and frail ill parents.

Since family is family I might make double when cooking something, and send it over with DH.

nopuppiesallowed · 01/11/2023 18:31

You work part-time so I assume (perhaps wrongly) that you have more free time than your husband. If you are a team in your marriage, caring for both sets of parents is a joint responsibility.
In this instance, you have a choice here - you can say that your father in law is unpleasant and didn't help you when you needed it, so you aren't going to help him and your mother in law. This will probably mean that your relationship with them will worsen and your husband will be the unfortunate man in the middle. Or you can be really, really kind and helpful to your in-laws - with the proviso that if your F in Law is unpleasant, you will sweetly tell him that his behaviour will have consequences and you will leave him to think about his attitude to you until he becomes a nicer, kinder person and gives you a call. Give him a peck on his cheek and go out for tea and cake. You'll deserve it. Aim to be the better person....

Justmuddlingalong · 01/11/2023 18:34

Fuck that!

Gerrataere · 01/11/2023 18:35

nopuppiesallowed · 01/11/2023 18:31

You work part-time so I assume (perhaps wrongly) that you have more free time than your husband. If you are a team in your marriage, caring for both sets of parents is a joint responsibility.
In this instance, you have a choice here - you can say that your father in law is unpleasant and didn't help you when you needed it, so you aren't going to help him and your mother in law. This will probably mean that your relationship with them will worsen and your husband will be the unfortunate man in the middle. Or you can be really, really kind and helpful to your in-laws - with the proviso that if your F in Law is unpleasant, you will sweetly tell him that his behaviour will have consequences and you will leave him to think about his attitude to you until he becomes a nicer, kinder person and gives you a call. Give him a peck on his cheek and go out for tea and cake. You'll deserve it. Aim to be the better person....

Aim to be the better person....

Yes op, be a good little woman and remember your wifely duties. Don’t forget the little peck on the cheek now! Maybe iron his clothes and pop a hoover around whilst you’re there. And leave your self respect at the front door, it’s not needed where you’re going…

PaperSn0wAGhOst · 01/11/2023 18:35

I could have written this exact post myself.
I have decided I will not be helping. This doesn’t make me a bad person, I am just setting boundaries. I will not be gaslighted into thinking it’s my fault or my problem.
End of.

billy1966 · 01/11/2023 18:39

Absolutely no way.

Well done for telling your husband to sort it himself.

Your in laws are awful.

Your husband never helped you with your family.

Yet you still helped his parents during lockdown.

Absolutely not.

If your husband wants to cause bad feeling with you by trying to bully you over this, ask him is he prepared for the damage it will do.

Over the years this was an issue with several of my friends.

They helped their own parents and when it came to their in laws it was just assumed it was on them to do that too.

Their husbands were put firmly and ruthlessly in their place and in never happened.

My close friend is a recently retired nurse and she got pushback from her all her inlaws as they expected her to step into role of carer, doer of hospital appointments etc.

She was having none of it.

They looked after other grandchildren and never ever helped her, even when she was very stuck, and her husband was travelling.

They are now going to pay through the nose for a nursing home for both parents but my friend has made it clear to them it is nothing whatsoever to do with her.

Her husband never had the slightest involvement in her parents care and she was damned if she was going to spend her retirement caring for people whom had zero interest in her or her children for 26 years.

They seriously expected her to want to do this so they could remain at home.

It is extraordinary how easily men and other family members think they can dump on the nearest mug.

Avoid your inlaws completely would be my advice.

You owe your nasty Fil absolutely NOTHING.

mangochops · 01/11/2023 18:40

BrimfulOfMash · 01/11/2023 18:29

Working full time is not a barrier to helping parents with some shopping, cooking, washing etc.

LOL, ask any working woman with kids and frail ill parents.

Since family is family I might make double when cooking something, and send it over with DH.

Exactly this! I helped my dad when he got frail and I still worked full time and had two young kids. I have no siblings so it was all on me. Its perfectly possible, working full time is just some BS excuse to get out of it because they dont want to do it. Eff that. Seriously. Its their responsibility, NOT yours. Stay strong OP.

Cosyblankets · 01/11/2023 18:42

Sorry if it's already been said but what are the sisters husbands doing? Anything?

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 01/11/2023 18:44

4 weeks of no strenuous exercise or lifting. Bed rest=higher risk of blood clots.

Your in laws have your husband and his sisters who can help out. Working full time or not.

Your under no obligation to help them. I don't understand why your husband wants you to go offer your services/care when you have a strained relationship.
Yes you can go visit them if you want....but that's up to you... not your husband.

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 01/11/2023 18:47

No absolutely not.
If you DH and his sister are that worried they can book annual leave or request time off in another form/compassionate leave.

moonlitwalks · 01/11/2023 18:49

Well, someone is lying here because bed rest for 4 weeks is absolutely not advised after such an op- it increases risk of clots etc so whomever said that is flat out lying. Gentle mobilising after an op is extremely important and improves recovery, they dont even recommend total bed rest for back surgeries now (I am an OT so I know this for a fact). Say no. NO NO NO NO NO.

MinnieGirl · 01/11/2023 18:51

Bed rest for four weeks?!
I can’t think of any surgery that requires that, and I’m a surgical nurse…I would be very suspicious of that

cptartapp · 01/11/2023 18:53

YANBU. There's very little help that can't be bought. They need to get used to the idea as they grow older and frailer.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/11/2023 18:57

Yanbu.

It's horrible of your husband to think you should be the one to step up here. It worries me why he thinks that.

As others have said, is he rushing round to help your parents?

Tell him to fuck off.

More women need to start telling men to fuck off rather than bend over backwards doing things for them that they would never even consider doing for us, so that our daughters aren't fucked.

feathermucker · 01/11/2023 19:01

Absolute bullshit about the 4 weeks bed rest for a prostate operation. As others have said, the risk of blood clots and further complications will increase dramatically if he doesn't move for 4 weeks.

As for the poster who says you should be the bigger person.......it doesn't make you the bigger person by allowing yourself to be treated like shit by FIL. It strips you of your self respect and pride and who would do that to themselves?!

Your husband saying take chocolates and a card round is demeaning.

Stick your your guns OP