To not want to help FIL after surgery?

[fluffyboos]

I dont have the best relationship with my in laws due to their past behaviour towards me.
FIL is especially very sarcastic, offensive and irritating.

FIL has come out of hospital due to surgery on his prostate and will be on bed rest for at least 4 weeks.

My husband wants me to go round with a box of chocolates and a card and offer to help and perhaps try and make peace.

My main issue is that when my own father was diagnosed with prostate cancer at the height of the lockdown, my in laws offered me no support whatsoever.

In fact my FIL even shouted at me calling me lazy for no reason whatsoever, he actually made me cry, all this whilst I couldnt even see my dad whilst he was receiving treatment.

Despite this I still did the bulk of my in laws chores in lockdown and never received a thank you or any appreciation.

I work part time where my husband and his sisters both work full time so they are limited on time.

My MIL has arthritis and will struggle to look after him on her own.

I dont see why I should be expected to help just because I work part time.

In laws are not grateful people and I have told my husband that they cant be nasty and ungrateful but expect help of me.

I have refused to go round and it is causing massive tension in the house.
Surely my husband and his siblings should arrange help between them?

They arent even my parents.

I am all for helping people but not when they have been so disrespectful and nasty towards me.

My husband is now quite upset and not really talking.

Am I being nasty like my husband says?

Absolutely this.

Don’t help your FIL.

Well of course it's your job - if you're a woman that's what you should do!😆

What bloody cheek - tell him that what goes round, comes round and who made you his father's nurse? Reality check for your partner: if you choose to treat somebody with contempt and rudeness, then don't be too surprised if they do the same in return. Let the family sort out THEIR father.

Running around and being a skivvy for men who are abusive to you, is not self respect mate.

Why are so many people on here just nasty?!!

OPs DH asked her to pop round with chocolate and ASK if they need help - that’s all.

It’s just basic human courtesy stuff and something any supportive partner would do for their other half. I’ve done stuff to make DH look good in front of his family and he’s done the same for me - both happy to do so.

I would just do it OP and not make a massive deal out of it

Dear OP definitely stand your ground

as the wife of a 73 DH, (fit, golfer), we were horrified at what my DH has been through over the past four weeks after have a large bit of prostrate lasered, he was one of the few that had awful catheter problems. Been rushed back to hospital ward twice in middle of the night and been through some awful post op procedures. I am the lot younger wife and I’ve struggled with it tbh.

we saw the surgeon yesterday and he was well it is major surgery after all. Just because we haven’t cut you across your abdomen doesn’t mean it wasn’t major.

obviously there’s all sorts of levels to this surgery but I do think if your FIL is like my DH then he, and his wife, probably do need help, but not from you OP.

Why do you think it’s ok for her in-laws to have been so fucking nasty to her? Any comment on that at all, any acknowledgment that THEY created this situation?

Did you read how unpleasant the ILs have been to OP? How she has helped out in the past, unlike the IL's own children, but been treated nastily back, with the FiL shouting at her and being abusive?

There's a difference between being a kind person and a doormat.

You are not being unreasonable. You reap what you sow.
I helped my in laws where I could in their later years, but they were the nicest people to walk the earth and were always incredibly grateful.
My dsil did the bulk of it but I helped where I could.

YANBU. They are not your parents and given how they av e treated you in the past, I think you don’t owe them anything. Their own children need to step up. It’s irrelevant they work full time. They should take holiday or dependants leave.

What?! Because white people can’t be misogynistic?? What a ridiculous, narrow minded comment!

I would support your husband. He's worried about his parents. It won't kill you to go and take a box of chocolates and see if there of anything you can do. You don't have to do anything huge but help you should.

I would do this for a neighbour ..these are your family. You don't have to particularly like them but I'm assuming you like your husband

Would you do it for a neighbour who had been utterly vile to you then?

Nah. Support goes both ways. The DH should support his wife in not spending time or looking after people who have been abusive to her.

If he wants to take chocolates round, he can. It's not OP's family, it's his.

Take a 6 pack of kit-kits and ask if there's anything they need.

When they tell you, write it down and put it next t the phone so they don't miss anything out when they call their other BIL and SIL.

What goes around comes around, and they have treated you appallingly. You need to stand up for yourself - being a doormat isn't good for you, and it's a terrible example to set for your children.

His parents, his responsibility. You reap what you sow. His parents don’t deserve your care. Leave them to it and don’t be bullied into it.

If he was that worried he's get off his arse and help himself. In laws aren't family unless they choose to welcome you into their family. Otherwise they're just people your partner has the misfortune of being related to and are therefore 100% your partner's problem

I'm amazed at how many people think that tit for tat is an acceptable way to live. Modelling good behaviour for a few weeks to OP's father in law wouldn't make OP a skivvy or make her a weak person. To me, it makes her the stronger person if she CHOOSES to do something so difficult and unnatural. It might help to change his behaviour, but even if it doesn't - it shows that OP is a better person. (But 4 weeks bed rest can't be right).

No. What goes around comes around. Anyone that would willingly go just to get further abuse is a doormat.

Tell them you won't facilitate him doing something that will actively impede his recovery. Four weeks bedrest, indeed! When I had an abdominal hysterectomy I was make to get out of bed the following morning, and walk on stairs in the afternoon. It was made clear that keeping mobile was key to recovery and avoiding DVT.

It isn't tit for tat. It's refusing to have the literal piss taken out of you. There's a massive difference

And what if the in laws say ‘ah yes, here’s a list of things we need help with’. Can the the op say ‘oh no, I didn’t mean I was actually going to help. I can’t stand you 🙂’.

Yes partnerships work both ways. So the op should do exactly as much as her husband did to help when her own father was unwell.

It's not going to change his behaviour in the slightest. It's clear from what the OP has written that her ILs don't appreciate anything she does. Why would they suddenly change their ingrained attitudes and behaviour now? There's no value in showing that you are a better person than a shit person, either.

OH had this operation he walked out of the hospital. The only issue was bladder control. He needed to be near a loo for a bit. I'd ask his surgery what help they can get and your local council if he's wanting help.

MooFroo · Today 08:28

^Why are so many people on here just nasty?!!
OPs DH asked her to pop round with chocolate and ASK if they need help - that’s all.I t’s just basic human courtesy stuff and something any supportive partner would do for their other half^

They have spent years being horrible to her and now they expect her to be all hearts and flowers. She's right to tell them to get stuffed.