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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to help FIL after surgery?

390 replies

fluffyboos · 01/11/2023 16:51

I dont have the best relationship with my in laws due to their past behaviour towards me.
FIL is especially very sarcastic, offensive and irritating.

FIL has come out of hospital due to surgery on his prostate and will be on bed rest for at least 4 weeks.

My husband wants me to go round with a box of chocolates and a card and offer to help and perhaps try and make peace.

My main issue is that when my own father was diagnosed with prostate cancer at the height of the lockdown, my in laws offered me no support whatsoever.

In fact my FIL even shouted at me calling me lazy for no reason whatsoever, he actually made me cry, all this whilst I couldnt even see my dad whilst he was receiving treatment.

Despite this I still did the bulk of my in laws chores in lockdown and never received a thank you or any appreciation.

I work part time where my husband and his sisters both work full time so they are limited on time.

My MIL has arthritis and will struggle to look after him on her own.

I dont see why I should be expected to help just because I work part time.

In laws are not grateful people and I have told my husband that they cant be nasty and ungrateful but expect help of me.

I have refused to go round and it is causing massive tension in the house.
Surely my husband and his siblings should arrange help between them?

They arent even my parents.

I am all for helping people but not when they have been so disrespectful and nasty towards me.

My husband is now quite upset and not really talking.

Am I being nasty like my husband says?

OP posts:
Pinkpinkpink15 · 01/11/2023 19:02

Tell your DH (Dick Head) to go & stay at his parents, he can help them & spend some time considering what your marriage means to him, because he's in grave danger of being divorced. And mean it. He hadn't got your back & he seems to view you as some extension of himself not a person in your own right!!

Ellie56 · 01/11/2023 19:20

4 weeks' bed rest? Nope.

FIL has either misunderstood what he's been told or he's lying. As PP have said, he needs to keep mobile or he will have all sorts of complications.

SauvignonBlanche · 01/11/2023 19:23

Four weeks of bed rest is nonsense.

Hibiscrubbed · 01/11/2023 21:21

Your husband can get fucked. Truly. Is there some sort of cultural expectation at play here?

He is a total twat expecting you to do anything for that pair of pricks.

nopuppiesallowed · 01/11/2023 21:41

Gerrataere · 01/11/2023 18:35

Aim to be the better person....

Yes op, be a good little woman and remember your wifely duties. Don’t forget the little peck on the cheek now! Maybe iron his clothes and pop a hoover around whilst you’re there. And leave your self respect at the front door, it’s not needed where you’re going…

Show quote history

🤣😅🤣😂🤣Actually, it's because I have self respect that I'd aim to be the better person....

Ktime · 01/11/2023 21:52

YANBU at all. Don’t lift a finger for them.

Why on earth did you help in lockdown?!

Original poster
fluffyboos · 01/11/2023 23:35

I think FIL must of been mistaken by the 4 week bed rest comment.

My husband has just got back from visiting them and they are disappointed/ hurt that nobody apart from my husband has offered to help.

The siblings dont really bother with in laws unless it benefits them so that is out the question, they have not even called or visited despite living in the same town.

In response to some of the questions to PP.

  1. We are Caucasian non religious so its not a cultural thing, I think they just are just self entitled people.
  1. I helped them in lockdown as back then we had an OK relationship and again it was a case of nobody else was offering to help them.
  1. It was after my FIL shouted at me for no reason that caused the rift and they just got worse with their behaviour and attitude hence me having little to no contact with them.
  1. I was unable to see my dad as it was during the first lockdown when the country was at a stand still.
  1. No my husband has never helped my parents and I wouldnt ask or expect him to either as me and my 3 siblings would manage the care between us.

Im not really sure what happens now as MIL and my husband have discussed tonight what would happen in the future when they would need more help and assistance.
It would be down to my husband as the other siblings couldnt care less.

I do feel bad saying to my husband that I wont be helping but they arent my parents or responsibility.

OP posts:
Straycatblue · 01/11/2023 23:50

"My husband has just got back from visiting them and they are disappointed/ hurt that nobody apart from my husband has offered to help."

Interesting that he's told you that..... either its his way of manipulating you to behave accordingly or this message has come from them almost like he's their "flying monkey" sent to deliver a message to guilt trip you 😉

Learn to recognise the patterns of manipulation, stand your ground & don't fall for them

You could always reply back that yes , that's how your parents felt as well...

PumkinPorridge · 02/11/2023 00:14

Crazycrazylady · 01/11/2023 16:56

I would support your husband to help if he wanted ie doing his share of chores at home so he can help out . I'd also be ok if my husband wanted to pay for some additional home help. But I absolutely wouldn't help out personally nor can I imagine that your Fil would want someone who is doesn't get on with looking after him in such a vulnerable condition.

I agree with this

pizzaHeart · 02/11/2023 00:16

DisforDarkChocolate · 01/11/2023 16:54

Hell no.

If they want help they can pay, or ask their children to help. I would say this even if they weren't horrible to you.

Care is a slippery slope and if you start everyone will assume you're doing it all. After all that means they don't have to do it.

Absolutely this*

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 02/11/2023 01:31

isthewashingdryyet · 01/11/2023 17:14

Bed rest, really
People who have had hip replacements are up and about within 24 hours, I think they are pulling a fast one here.

another saying don’t go

Just what I was thinking. I’ve nursed many men after prostate surgery and they’re encouraged to get up and mobile the next day. I’ve never heard of four weeks bedrest. That’s a sure fire way to risk DVT and/or a chest infection.

bevm72yellow · 02/11/2023 02:17

Your being made to feel guilty. Your husband will try tactics to make you take on his responsibility. He may stop talking/ get angry or refuse to co operate with you for periods. A few useful phrases for you should be " it won't be happening" " like I said I won' t be involved ". He can't make you but will use pressure and promises. He cannot physically put you in the house to look after his father ( that would be aggressive) He may say you will be helping out in front of others to pressure you.....response will be " like I said I have other major priorities ". Good luck you sound like a lovely person being disrespected

HerMammy · 02/11/2023 02:26

I'd suggest if they're in such need of care/help they put their hands in their pockets and pay for it.
You reap what you sow, treat people like shit and they won't be running to help.

IAmtheVampiresWife · 02/11/2023 02:37

What do they really need help with after his surgery? There will just be the normal chores for her eg laundry and preparing meals. If she is not able to do this then that is a bigger problem. Provision then needs to be made for some home help. You are right not to do it.

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 02/11/2023 02:50

@Cyclebabble Who mentioned Asian? You've just presumed that's what @androidnotapple meant! So who is the one really being racist?

Timeforsnacks · 02/11/2023 03:59

Say no! Infact if your husband brings it up again maybe tell him you are fine if he wants to go part time so that he could go to his parents to help them. At most I'd work a bit extra to cover household costs but stay away from doing any care.

Tighginn · 02/11/2023 04:33

I can just imagine your husband's petted lol that you haven't jumped to heal. How he has to play the victim to is narcissist parents.

Saggypants · 02/11/2023 04:42

Millions of women people around the world manage to juggle full time work with caring responsibilities. Your lazy entitled DH can pull his socks up and get on with it.

Channellingsophistication · 02/11/2023 04:49

His parents his responsibilty not yours.

MermaidMummy06 · 02/11/2023 04:55

Not nasty. My IL's have been abusive for 25 years. MIL passed last year. Now FIL has a plethora of medical issues & needs two knee replacement surgeries. I've made it clear, even though I'm SAHM, I'm not doing anything.

Not just because of their treatment of me, but I'm not becoming default carer of their parent so DH & SIL can carry on their fancy jobs and take the praise for caring for FIL.

YireosDodeAver · 02/11/2023 05:05

No you are not being nasty. This work needs doing and the right thing to happen is either one of their own offspring does it out of love or they pay someone to do it. You are not an appropriate unpaid substitute. You are being treated shittily by people who don't value or care for you. Your DH is telling you who he really is and what he really thinks of you. Listen.

MoonlitStarryNights · 02/11/2023 05:16

nickaldis · 01/11/2023 17:43

I read threads like this and wonder if any DHs stand up to their parents when their parents insult and belittle their wives. Like saying "no mum/dad DON'T talk to my wife like that!"

Not the point of the thread but mine did! Took a while to get right as he was full of FOG himself (Fear Obligation Guilt) and, like it sounds the op might have been, I had been accidentally condition through my own childhood to put others before my own well-being and somehow someone being unkind/borderline abusive meant I had to try even harder to please them. We both had independent counselling and my GP referred me for EMDR for suspected cPTSD when I fell very ill with health issues that would have killed me without the wonders of modern medicine that all had a root in anxiety and a long term unrecognised trauma response.

DreamTheMoors · 02/11/2023 05:20

Let your husband throw his little tizzy. Sit on the sofa, drink copious amounts of wine, scroll away and really piss him off.
Make hay since he’s gonna be pissed off anyhow.

When he whinges, tell him “This is a you problem.” Then take a nice looong drink.

lol

TeaGinandFags · 02/11/2023 05:42

Kindly explain to DH that if he has time to visit his dear father and discuss how you can be pressed into service, then he has time to look after his father.

Also check with the hospital about this 4 weeks in bed nonsense. If they won't speak specifically, ask in principle and about standard practice. It looks like FIL is taking the P.

See if you can pick up some overtime: Christmas tends to be a busy period. If you're expected to fo extra work, you might as well benefit from it.

Bingsbongs · 02/11/2023 05:57

FIL is not your responsibility. Prostate operation 4 weeks bedrest- as if! Its 4 weeks off from work not bedrest, no doxtor would ever advise that after operation its up and moving about as soon as possible,like same or next day of the surgery to avoid bloodclots and aid faster healing.

So no dont go anywhere near that situation your husband is wierd even suggesting it

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