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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to help FIL after surgery?

390 replies

fluffyboos · 01/11/2023 16:51

I dont have the best relationship with my in laws due to their past behaviour towards me.
FIL is especially very sarcastic, offensive and irritating.

FIL has come out of hospital due to surgery on his prostate and will be on bed rest for at least 4 weeks.

My husband wants me to go round with a box of chocolates and a card and offer to help and perhaps try and make peace.

My main issue is that when my own father was diagnosed with prostate cancer at the height of the lockdown, my in laws offered me no support whatsoever.

In fact my FIL even shouted at me calling me lazy for no reason whatsoever, he actually made me cry, all this whilst I couldnt even see my dad whilst he was receiving treatment.

Despite this I still did the bulk of my in laws chores in lockdown and never received a thank you or any appreciation.

I work part time where my husband and his sisters both work full time so they are limited on time.

My MIL has arthritis and will struggle to look after him on her own.

I dont see why I should be expected to help just because I work part time.

In laws are not grateful people and I have told my husband that they cant be nasty and ungrateful but expect help of me.

I have refused to go round and it is causing massive tension in the house.
Surely my husband and his siblings should arrange help between them?

They arent even my parents.

I am all for helping people but not when they have been so disrespectful and nasty towards me.

My husband is now quite upset and not really talking.

Am I being nasty like my husband says?

OP posts:
Bingsbongs · 02/11/2023 06:00

TeaGinandFags · 02/11/2023 05:42

Kindly explain to DH that if he has time to visit his dear father and discuss how you can be pressed into service, then he has time to look after his father.

Also check with the hospital about this 4 weeks in bed nonsense. If they won't speak specifically, ask in principle and about standard practice. It looks like FIL is taking the P.

See if you can pick up some overtime: Christmas tends to be a busy period. If you're expected to fo extra work, you might as well benefit from it.

Yes he is either having his first operation ever or is hoping to pull one, no one is ever advised to lie in bed after operation,one way to get bloodclots.

To compare c section mums are up asap after anasthesia wears off taking care of their babies.

ElleCapitaine · 02/11/2023 06:02

nopuppiesallowed · 01/11/2023 18:31

You work part-time so I assume (perhaps wrongly) that you have more free time than your husband. If you are a team in your marriage, caring for both sets of parents is a joint responsibility.
In this instance, you have a choice here - you can say that your father in law is unpleasant and didn't help you when you needed it, so you aren't going to help him and your mother in law. This will probably mean that your relationship with them will worsen and your husband will be the unfortunate man in the middle. Or you can be really, really kind and helpful to your in-laws - with the proviso that if your F in Law is unpleasant, you will sweetly tell him that his behaviour will have consequences and you will leave him to think about his attitude to you until he becomes a nicer, kinder person and gives you a call. Give him a peck on his cheek and go out for tea and cake. You'll deserve it. Aim to be the better person....

Don’t do this! They’ll think you’ve taken leave of your senses. If your husband is so keen to provide them with support he goes round before or after work. He can tell them that if they want you to call in they need to phone and invite you because they make you feel unwelcome and unwanted. Your FIL does not need 4 weeks bed rest. That would actually be the worst thing for him.

rickyrickygrimes · 02/11/2023 06:02

What help are they asking for? Taking chocolates and visiting isn’t really help. Personal care… they can pay a temporary carer to help him shower / dress / get ready for bed etc etc - FIL did this after having a hip replacement as he lives alone. And things like shopping, tidying, your husband can help with. Can’t he stir his siblings up to help out?

Goldbar · 02/11/2023 06:06

I agree that a middle ground would be supporting your DH by taking over some of his chores at home to free up his weekends for helping his father.

In response to suggestions about you helping, I would just say that they don't like you and have trouble behaving appropriately and non-abusively towards you, so best that FIL's care is provided by someone else though you're happy to support by taking up more of the slack at home.

SaracensMavericks · 02/11/2023 06:07

Don't feel bad OP. My DH's parents are in poor health (his mum had a stroke last year and his dad is old and frail). DH works full time while I work part time (4 days a week). He has been the one supporting them for the past year and a half by going to visit them at weekends and taking the odd day off if they needed extra help. I've held the fort at home (we have three DC) and been to visit them occasionally, but it's been 95% DH.

Most importantly, he helped them to move into a retirement living flat, so everything is much easier for them now. If your PILs are starting to find it hard to cope at home then this is definitely something to consider.

Emotionalsupportviper · 02/11/2023 06:44

4 weeks bedrest?

Absolute rubbish!

He's either misunderstood or is milking the situation.

God almighty - I've know people (usually women, I admit - not men who feel these things soooo much more deeply) who have had half their insides whipped out, and they were forced encouraged to get out of bed asap - DVT's, muscle wastage - lying in bed is the quickest way to destroy your health.

He's after sympathy and a chance to do sweet Fanny Adams for a month, more likely. Given the chance he'll have everyone - but especially you - running round after him like headless chickens.

BCBird · 02/11/2023 06:51

The fact that they are unpleasant would be a reason for me not to do.it. your husband should not put u in this position. They can pay someone to.help

Theydontknowthatweknowthattheyknow · 02/11/2023 06:57

I'm a doctor and there's absolutely no prostate surgery that would render him bedbound for 4 weeks. The advice with any surgery, especially if you're elderly, is to get moving as soon as you can to prevent complications such as DVT and prevent muscle loss.

And besides which, he's been a twat to you and he isn't your dad. Tell them all where to swing. My inlaws can't stand me and have been vile to me and DH ever since we met. I've told my DH that I'll do my best not to make it awkward for him or our child to have a relationship with them but I'm done. DH knows that if he pulls any of the gaslighting BS like in your OP he'd better get ready to hear some things he doesn't want to. It's your DH's relative. If he cares that much about him then he will kiss his arse

speakout · 02/11/2023 07:01

OP you have an OH problem, not an in law problem.

This is not your responsibility.
Cheerfully refuse.

Mikimoto · 02/11/2023 07:09

So siblings live IN SAME TOWN and haven't visited?!
Maybe the fam should be having words with them, not you!
DH is only angry because he knows it should be the children (not you) who are helping, but obvs. the siblings can't be bothered.

MsRosley · 02/11/2023 07:10

Yeah, you're the most available human support unit (otherwise known as a woman), so they're annoyed you're not cooperating. Tough titty. Stand your ground, OP.

Skodacool · 02/11/2023 07:12

DomTheDim · 01/11/2023 17:35

It's for your husband and siblings to organise. When DF had his prostate removed he was told not heavy lifting or strenuous lifting for 4 weeks but definitely not bed rest. He was encouraged to be up and in his chair then small walks before being discharged. His op took 12 hours due to complications but he was still up the next day.

Sounds like he's swinging the lead (he may no longer have other types of lead...)

My husband had similar in his 70s, no way was he told to stay in bed. YANBU

8misskitty8 · 02/11/2023 07:13

I can’t get over the fact that your own father was ill and instead of offering support they expected you to do their chores ! In laws and your husband are entitled and horrible. And I would it be offering to help.

When my mum had breast cancer, DH took me to see her whenever I wanted, took care of the girls and the house While I helped her and my dad.
I’m-laws offered help. One day she was very I’ll and dad was waiting on ambulance transport. Mil came straight round to wait for the girls coming out of school (DH was at work) until DH got home. FIL drove me to mum/dad. Mil took me out for coffee and was a shoulder to cry on.
If Inlaws are ever that ill and needed help then I would help as they did it for me.

BarbaraofSeville · 02/11/2023 07:21

Your DH and his siblings need to book some annual leave so they can help their parents or even talk to their employers about taking carer's leave (paid or unpaid). If they share the load between them they'll only need a few days off over the next 4 weeks.

Not expect you to step up to help their parents, especially not as they're not particularly nice to you.

Celticdawn5 · 02/11/2023 07:27

Definitely back well away and don’t offer.

Zebedee55 · 02/11/2023 07:28

I've never heard of 4 weeks bedrest for a prostate op - when my Dad had one, they told him to keep mobile, and just not overdo it. Staying in bed is seen to be negative nowadays.😗

Catsmere · 02/11/2023 07:36

FIL is an arsehole and his chickens have come home to roost. Screw him.

Totaly · 02/11/2023 07:40

I think you need to tell your DH you will support your DH in his caring responsibilities -

By this I mean you will be picking up the slack at home whisky he visits or shops for his parents - you support him in caring for them.

It’s hard when parents are ill and I’m sure he’s worried - but be there for your husband and let him know that.

GuitarGeorgina · 02/11/2023 07:47

You are not being nasty. Your in laws sound awful and your husband not much better,

The only thing you should offer (in as cheery a voice as you can muster) is to take up the slack at home so that dh can do any caring or chores that his family need.

and 4 weeks bed rest is nonsense.

nibblessquibbles · 02/11/2023 07:54

Looks like they and DH have realised the siblings are not pulling their weight which is the real problem . That's good.
He also doesn't seem to be asking you any more so that's also good
Expect that he will be around a bit less and less able to help on your household as he supports his parents - I think that's ok and reasonable for you to do a bit more maybe . As a PP suggested you could make a bigger stew or something and give him a portion for them and that makes you the bigger person. Up to you. I'd probably do this as I am not such a hardliner as some of the PP.

SerafinasGoose · 02/11/2023 08:05

icewoman · 01/11/2023 17:26

4 weeks bedrest????? unlikely story

Potentially dangerous as well. Being as mobile as possible post-surgery is always the advice because it reduces the risk of a thrombosis. These days post-operative patients are often on Fragmin for a while as well.

And I'd be very unimpressed with your DH, OP. You're his wife, not an unpaid servant there to wait on his unpleasant relatives.

Another hard 'no' from me.

Stoic123 · 02/11/2023 08:12

I wouldn't be seeing FIL or having any contact with ILs either. You reap what you sow.

Personally, what I would offer husband, if I worked less hours, is any help I could give DH that did not require contact. Things like phoning round to investigate paid care options, taking some of DH's own domestic chores on temporarily (if he does any), extra food as PP have mentioned etc

SinnerBoy · 02/11/2023 08:13

Four weeks? It sounds as though they're trying to con you into being their skivvy for a month. Well done for standing your ground, it's difficult in a family situation like yours.

I refuse to go to my sister in law's now, she's rude, aggressive and generally vile to me and lies about me constantly.

Gillypie23 · 02/11/2023 08:14

You don't owe them a anything. Let your husband do what he wants. Stand firm.

saffronsoup · 02/11/2023 08:20

Do you have young kids at home with you or why do you work part time?

Do you and your husband have similar incomes?

Tell him to pay for support and hire someone to go in.

You don't need to care for his father post surgery.