To not want to help FIL after surgery?

[fluffyboos]

I dont have the best relationship with my in laws due to their past behaviour towards me.
FIL is especially very sarcastic, offensive and irritating.

FIL has come out of hospital due to surgery on his prostate and will be on bed rest for at least 4 weeks.

My husband wants me to go round with a box of chocolates and a card and offer to help and perhaps try and make peace.

My main issue is that when my own father was diagnosed with prostate cancer at the height of the lockdown, my in laws offered me no support whatsoever.

In fact my FIL even shouted at me calling me lazy for no reason whatsoever, he actually made me cry, all this whilst I couldnt even see my dad whilst he was receiving treatment.

Despite this I still did the bulk of my in laws chores in lockdown and never received a thank you or any appreciation.

I work part time where my husband and his sisters both work full time so they are limited on time.

My MIL has arthritis and will struggle to look after him on her own.

I dont see why I should be expected to help just because I work part time.

In laws are not grateful people and I have told my husband that they cant be nasty and ungrateful but expect help of me.

I have refused to go round and it is causing massive tension in the house.
Surely my husband and his siblings should arrange help between them?

They arent even my parents.

I am all for helping people but not when they have been so disrespectful and nasty towards me.

My husband is now quite upset and not really talking.

Am I being nasty like my husband says?

@fluffyboos

With Christmas coming up people in the family will be asking questions as usually we would all have a big family dinner before Christmas hosted at the IL house.

I have told DH I will not be going and if anyone asks he can tell them the truth.

Glad to hear you're standing your ground OP. I'm guessing you'll spend it with your parents? Whatever you do, it will be better than having to put up with your husband's parents. 🌹

Is this “support” expected from your DH’s sister’s partner (s)? Or is it just you?

Are you Indian/Pakistani ? Asking because there is this level of shitty entitlement to services from DIL.

You need to start rephrasing this as a Dh problem. Re the cakes you say it’s a shame you never stood up for your wife as after one time too many of letting them be nasty bullying shits to me it means your parents will never ever get fluffyboo pancakes again. I can’t see that you recognise the truth of that tbh. Hearing how nasty they were about sils efforts just reminds me how nasty they were to my face while you just ignored it.

Sorry fairy cakes, I am (badly) making pancakes at the moments

OP has said they are all Caucasian and it’s not cultural or religious.

An excellent post which you should read and reread for the non DARVO answers that will shut him down.

Also @Gloriously advising you physically remove yourself from the conversation.....let him argue with an empty chair🤚.

OP, you keep writing that your husband doesn't and can't understand your position.

STOP THINKING THIS.

He understands completely.

But it doesn't suit him to understand so he lies that he doesn't get it.

The ugliness of your MIL's response to the cakes, and your husband obtusely repeating it, tells you EXACTLY how aligned they are.

YOU are for USING and ABUSING.

Your husband is absolutely RUTHLESS.

YOU don't know him at all.

HE doesn't want to be near caring duties, so his sole focus and energies are to bully and grind you down.

This will get a lot worse.

I'm nearly 60 and have seen variations of this played out in my large wide circle of friends and friends of friends over the decades.

There is NO ONE as focused as a man who doesn't want to be inconvenienced.

Remember he is set to inherit.
HE wants you protecting his inheritance.

Keep saying "let them pay for help".

I am so sorry but the truth is, he absolutely doesn't love you, not real true long lasting love.

No one who loves you, bullys you to do their bidding.

You need to organise an alternative Christmas for yourself.
Have it quietly sorted without his knowledge.

When he ramps up the bullying before Christmas, pack up and leave and tell him to head off to his parents as you will spend it with others.

Your marriage will likely be over as this continues.
He will bully and bully until you find that you have detached from him.

Please be prepared for how ugly they will become towards you as he ramps up his abuse.

Do not get pregnant.
He may well try to get you pregnant to trap you.

I know that sounds awful, but such is his single-mindedness, nothing would surprise me.

Tell family and friends what is going on and I really think you should return to full time work.

Do not be vulnerable with this man.

He is not to be trusted.

Keep posting.

By posting you will have a clear record to reread of him ramping up his bullying and abuse of you.

I'd help only if I expect them to change towards me for the better. If you talk to them and tell them how they made you feel in the past and tell them it was wrong of them to treat you that way. And then tell them you'd help if they apologize and start treating you better. I believe we shouldn't go down to someone's level and that we should try at least to be better. If after that they still treat you bad, at least you have tried.

@Newestname002 - Yes I will spend Christmas with my own lovely family instead.

@billy1966 - Some good advice here.

FIL has a catheter in and is urinating blood and was rushed to A and E by MIL earlier on.

DH asked if I would be seeing FIL I told him "absolutely not"!

I mentioned the incident when FIL shouted at me, called me lazy and made me cry when my own father was ill.
He tried to talk over me and change the subject but I got my point across.

I told him that is one of the reasons I do not wish to visit him.

DH came up with some excuse "My family dont like to talk about people being ill but at the time they did say we are here for Fluffyboos if she needs us".

I told him "Funny they never told me that at that the time and just shouted at me but chose to tell you instead of me?"
Makes no sense.

DH didn't know what to say when I challenged him on all this.

Good lord but your husband is such a liar.

I wouldn't believe a word out of him.

He's not the brightest button in the box either🙄, because not only is he a liar, he isn't even vaguely coherent in what he is saying🙄.

Your inlaws were saying they were there for you....... whilst screaming you are lazy.

Yea right.🙄

Absolute nonsense.

Delighted to read you will not be going near him in the hospital and will spend Christmas with your family.

Good for you.

FIL has a catheter in and is urinating blood and was rushed to A and E by MIL earlier on.

DH asked if I would be seeing FIL I told him "absolutely not"!

I think plenty of people who do get on OK with their ILs wouldn't be going to visit either.

He has his wife with him.

I'd only visit my FIL in hospital if he was in for a while & desperate for company other than his wife!

I wouldn’t visit either. Won’t he want his privacy? Surely MIL & his DC visiting is enough?

FFS when are you going to leave him? You keep on posting about how he doesn't care for your feelings, uses you etc. Why do you continue posting if you're not going to say you dumped his arse in the gutter where it belongs?

Impressed with your strength and resolve @fluffyboos well done!! X

Is there a Travelodge nearby?? Seriously I would be considering leaving for a few days and switching my phone off. Your Husband has obviously used this behaviour before to get his own way and it's time to break the habit!! Ask your husband why he would put you in this position when his father is vile, ignorant and abusive to you.

It's a 5 month old thread.