To not want to help FIL after surgery?

[fluffyboos]

I dont have the best relationship with my in laws due to their past behaviour towards me.
FIL is especially very sarcastic, offensive and irritating.

FIL has come out of hospital due to surgery on his prostate and will be on bed rest for at least 4 weeks.

My husband wants me to go round with a box of chocolates and a card and offer to help and perhaps try and make peace.

My main issue is that when my own father was diagnosed with prostate cancer at the height of the lockdown, my in laws offered me no support whatsoever.

In fact my FIL even shouted at me calling me lazy for no reason whatsoever, he actually made me cry, all this whilst I couldnt even see my dad whilst he was receiving treatment.

Despite this I still did the bulk of my in laws chores in lockdown and never received a thank you or any appreciation.

I work part time where my husband and his sisters both work full time so they are limited on time.

My MIL has arthritis and will struggle to look after him on her own.

I dont see why I should be expected to help just because I work part time.

In laws are not grateful people and I have told my husband that they cant be nasty and ungrateful but expect help of me.

I have refused to go round and it is causing massive tension in the house.
Surely my husband and his siblings should arrange help between them?

They arent even my parents.

I am all for helping people but not when they have been so disrespectful and nasty towards me.

My husband is now quite upset and not really talking.

Am I being nasty like my husband says?

They are now reaping what they've sown.

Stand firm and don't back down. It sounds like the whole family, including your DH, think you're someone they can walkover and blame. Show them you're not, otherwise the pressure will never end....you'll always be seen as a pushover because they don't respect you

My husband wants me to go round with a box of chocolates and a card and offer to help and perhaps try and make peace.

Lol. Nope.

My husband is now quite upset and not really talking.

Too bad for him. You should be absolutely raging that he dare expect you to pander to someone who has abused you. You have a massive, massive problem with your marriage.

I hate it that women are always expected to do scut work.

Tell your husband to go round.

BTW why on earth is FIL saying he needs bed rest for four weeks post-op?
Patients are encouraged to mobilise after surgery. I'm a nurse and I'm struggling to figure out why your FIL needs to stay in bed.

Err nope!!
Tell your DH to do it

How much help did your husband give your parents when your Dad was ill?

I'd tell your Fil to go swivel. Your husband and his sister can help their parents out.

4 weeks bed rest? - he's having you all on for sure!! He should be up and about asap and try and keep as mobile as possible. For sure he'll be tired after the op and need to nap, but he's lying about the lengthy bed rest! His children should be doing a rota to pop in - but he's not your problem!

Stand your ground, why should you keep the peace when it sounds like fil was starting the war. Tell dh to straighten his face, he can sulk as much as he likes but the fact that you work part time doesn’t mean he can offer your time, if mil has health issues they may qualify for help or they can pay for care. They can do online food shopping, easy ready meals.

It's for your husband and siblings to organise. When DF had his prostate removed he was told not heavy lifting or strenuous lifting for 4 weeks but definitely not bed rest. He was encouraged to be up and in his chair then small walks before being discharged. His op took 12 hours due to complications but he was still up the next day.

Sounds like he's swinging the lead (he may no longer have other types of lead...)

I think the operation was to scrape some of his prostate off, the hospital kept him in for one night and and a day.
I did think 4 weeks was a bit excessive but thought maybe it was due to his age (78).

It is a relief to see that I am not being unreasonable, and I told my husband "No way am I going round with chocolates and a card".

To be fair my in laws do help my husband and his siblings quite a lot so I think my husband feels guilty that he cant just book time off work and help and expects me to do it as I have helped a lot in the past and work part time.

Well done for standing firm. YANBU

Tell him to claim Attendance Allowance.
MIL probably qualifies as well, if her arthritis is problematic.

Good point, my husband has never helped my parents and uses the excuse that it is because they live 60 miles away.

Bed rest is rarely advised after surgery as not moving around can cause lots of issues eg DVT and muscle wastage.

I would tell Dh that your willing to pick up the slack at home so he can help his parents. Or does he already do nothing at home?

who told him he would be on bedrest for 4 weeks???? rubbish!!! Even if this surgery is via lower abdomen as in TURPS then he would still be up mobilising. Most common for laser now. he will be gently mobilising 24-48 hours post op!! he needs to be up to prevent bedsores and pneumonia!!! why were you helping in laws during covid and not able to see your own father?? Definitely would not be helping someone who is so nasty and is probably looking forward to playing the patient! tell your own hubby to get the finger out!

YANBU. I would NOT do this. Up to siblings, if too busy they organise care. Ridiculous he expects you to step up.

Four weeks bed rest ! No way is that right, he’s either having you on or he’s misunderstood four weeks of no heavy lifting or strenuous activity.

Why is it your responsibility? Your husband should be helping surely?

I read threads like this and wonder if any DHs stand up to their parents when their parents insult and belittle their wives. Like saying "no mum/dad DON'T talk to my wife like that!"

Nice bit of racial stereotyping there. Do you have contact with many Asian families? I kind of doubt you know anything about us.

4 weeks bed rest, haha! That's bullshit.

No I would not be going round to make peace with someone who had been horrible to me.

@Cyclebabble that poster never mentioned Asian families but it speaks volumes that you assumed she meant Asians

Why can't your husband get time off work? Maybe he can get compassionate leave.

Another person thinking they are pulling your chain.

Fil, who also has prostate cancer, had his knee replaced and was back driving after 2.5 weeks and looking after mil immediately pretty much. I queried that here as I thought it was too soon but he's fine.

He's 85.

Ex urology nurse here, he does not need 4 weeks bed rest.
It can take 3-4 weeks to recover, he will end up with a blood clot if he doesn't move.
Stand your ground, good luck.

Did the FIL actually ask or want you to look after him? Or are the siblings offering your services without being asked?

I would look after my dp even if they shout, because we always shouted at each other dramatically but they have done a lot for me too and adore us. But in-laws do not get to shout at me, if they did it once they would be blanked and would need to grovel and quite honestly I would need a financial incentive anyway, so they might as well pay someone else. Your free time is worth something , it belongs to you.