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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be offended at neighbour's reaction

497 replies

SeaBreezeDream · 01/11/2023 12:59

We aren't the kind of street where neighbours are all friends, we just nod the occasional hello etc. but a few days ago I had a small car smash pulling out of my drive and a lady a couple of doors along came out to see if I was ok. She was very kind with me and the situation in general, even though it was basically the first conversation we had ever really had. She waited with me a while and we got chatting and it was all very friendly and kind. I was upset and appreciated her being there.

I went round yesterday with a bunch of flowers to say thank you, plus a gift for her new grandchild as we had been chatting about the new baby and she was very excited about that. Her husband answered as she was out and I just handed them over and we exchanged pleasantries. All fine.

A little later I got a message from her saying thanks for the flowers and gift but I thought she was incredibly rude. She said

Thank you for the flowers and gift, there was no need. X and I couldn't stop laughing when we opened the gift. He was on their board for years and (daughter) is one of their buyers so we know all their products even though we don't tend to buy them. Daughter will find this so funny too! Take care, A.

Is that not a really crass message? Or am I being over sensitive?

(It cost £70 so wasn't exactly cheap shit either)

OP posts:
IMustDoMoreExercise · 01/11/2023 13:47

I don't think she was being rude at all.

I don't know why people always think the worst.

Just try and give people the benefit of the doubt.

Megifer · 01/11/2023 13:48

I think its a bit rude tbh. Oh how hilarious you bought us a gift from somewhere where X was on the board don't you know 🙄

Not a funny story either.

oceanpie · 01/11/2023 13:49

Cas112 · 01/11/2023 13:45

OP was you hoping for a more a* licking message on how it was the best present in the world and it was amazing and how they will be eternally grateful for it?

Absolutely nothing wrong with her message in any way, I just think you annoyed because its not brought the type of attention you want.

I think op hated and felt embarrassed and humiliated for her vulnerability, wanted to readjust the balance with the gift as a transaction: here is the payment for your kindness now we're even and can move on... when the reaction wasn't what she expected she now made the neighbour as rude......I think op is upset and feeling insecure due to the first impression she gave to that neighbour and to then have given a gift that turned out to be something very average an ordinary for the neighbour....I wonder if op is an outsider to this neighbourhood and worries how she fits in. New money/old money?

Appleofmyeye2023 · 01/11/2023 13:50

Greenqueen40 · 01/11/2023 13:05

Not rude at all, slight derailment but why on earth would you spend £70 on a neighbour you don't even know??!!

I’m wondering this too😱

id be so embarrassed if someone bought random gift costing that (which I assume she knows given the link) for a grandchild or even child that wasn’t involved in that incident. It is very over the top, and ingratiating.

a bunch of flowers and a lovely handwritten notes is just right, or chocolates etc. it’s lovely to be thanked and recognised you made a difference,

but buying any expensive gift, even for the helper, is way, way to personal.

it Sounds like you are desperately trying to form a relationship and force intimacy with someone who just helped out a neighbour. if you want to get closer to her as you liked her, ask her over for a cuppa or glass of wine and get to know her slowly.

But jeez, I wouldn’t be buying a gift for the new grandchild of one of my own friends - I don’t know their daughters/sons and it’s way too presumptuous

Passerillage · 01/11/2023 13:50

It was rude.

The whole point of rude/not rude in this kind of scenario is whether or not the message pointlessly made the gift giver feel uncomfortable, and it did.

"Thank you so much for the lovely gift - I'm sure my daughter will love it, and I hope you are feeling recovered from what happened." would have sufficed. The extra detail only served to belittle the OP and her (maybe excessively?) generous gift.

QforCucumber · 01/11/2023 13:52

@SeaBreezeDream I believe the not replying to her is rude in the same sense that ignoring someone talking to you in the street would be rude too.

It doesn't have to be an all or nothing friendship or not, we speak to our neighbours, we share stories - I don't class them as friends.

A brief 'oh, what a coincidence I had no idea. hope the baby likes it. See you soon' Ends the conversation but shows your warmth. No need for back and forth thankyou's indefinitely.

The fact she has shared that with you looks like she's opening to have a conversation, of course your determination for that to not become friendship isn't a problem, but civilities are surely the norm?

EarringsandLipstick · 01/11/2023 13:52

I'm baffled why she made the comments rather than just a polite thank you,
Why are you still baffled? It's been explained that most of us see no issue & think it's well-meant, some people think she was a bit clumsy

Either way, I can't understand why you are so confused about it & determined to see a negative interpretation

Whalewatchers · 01/11/2023 13:53

IMustDoMoreExercise · 01/11/2023 13:47

I don't think she was being rude at all.

I don't know why people always think the worst.

Just try and give people the benefit of the doubt.

This.

And I think bullet dodged on her part if you don't want to be friends!

oceanpie · 01/11/2023 13:53

£70 is irrelevant for some people it's like £7.

Original poster
SeaBreezeDream · 01/11/2023 13:53

Some of these comments are wild!

I was expecting a message that said, thanks for the flowers and gift. Take care, x

We aren't friends, I dont want or need to impress her, and my ego is just fine. It was just a token gift and I thought her message was mocking rather than lighthearted which surprised me.

OP posts:
Moderateorgoodoccasionallyverypoor · 01/11/2023 13:53

Tessasanderson · 01/11/2023 13:03

I think she is trying to be friendly and jokingly point out that they have strong ties with the company you purchased the gift from. Basically saying "what a coincidence".

I suppose they could of just said thank you but this gives some context about them too. No harm imo

This.
She just though it a humorous anecdote and a bit more than ‘thank you’.
I wouldn’t be offended, I’d think ‘oh how funny, we can have a laugh about that next time we see each other’.

EarringsandLipstick · 01/11/2023 13:54

She's pretty much saying they would never buy from there isn't she
No I took it that she was saying she doesn't buy, despite connections, so the gift is welcome.

cherryscola · 01/11/2023 13:55

I think you are feeling offended over nothing - I don't think she is laughing AT you.

You said she seems lovely and certainly, her actions at the time of your accident suggest this.

Why would she then be so nasty to you over text?

Much more likely she is saying wow what a coincidence and how lovely you have brought us something from there as we don't tend to buy from there ourselves. On top of that it will also make my daughter smile.

EarringsandLipstick · 01/11/2023 13:55

I'd have possibly responded with a 'oh dear I am sorry, how embarrassing! I'm more than happy to return it if you like?

Would you really? Mortifying. That's straight away jumping to a negative perspective of what was said & pointless - I presume the OP is not going to return, regardless, why would she?

EarringsandLipstick · 01/11/2023 13:56

Megifer · 01/11/2023 13:48

I think its a bit rude tbh. Oh how hilarious you bought us a gift from somewhere where X was on the board don't you know 🙄

Not a funny story either.

What? How are you getting this? God the poor woman! Her words tangled by over-imaginative MN posters.

LegendsBeyond · 01/11/2023 13:56

It’s a bit rude as it’s basically saying you wasted your money. She should have been more gracious & just said thank you.

Drinagh · 01/11/2023 13:57

I think it's pretty clumsy too, possibly out of stupidity. Clearly not intended maliciously, but what she has actually said is 'You wasted your money on a gift that we wouldn't dream of buying, but could have had for free if we'd ever wanted it, and which is going to feature in our household as a hilarious anecdote.'

People who can't see that must be pretty socially ill-attuned. Not rude, if rudeness implies conscious thought, but crude/clumsy. It's not something you would say to someone who just spent a lot of money on something to thank you for helping them when they were shocked and vulnerable.

EarringsandLipstick · 01/11/2023 13:57

I thought her message was mocking rather than lighthearted which surprised me.

It's really surprising that you would come to that as your first conclusion. Why would someone that was lovely to you send you a mocking message? It makes no sense.

Almondmum · 01/11/2023 13:58

I would have assumed her message meant they didn't really want the gift, yes.

I wouldn't have written that as some passive aggressive thing, I'd have genuinely thought. Oh no, I've fucked up and given them the wrong thing. So I'd have then offered to put it right.

I think you might be easily mortified.

EarringsandLipstick · 01/11/2023 13:58

People who can't see that must be pretty socially ill-attuned.

So that's most of us on this thread then, who absolutely didn't see it like that

We're all 'socially ill-attuned' are we?

Reallybadidea · 01/11/2023 13:59

I think it's badly worded but sometimes people just really don't have any idea that something they say could be misinterpreted, precisely because it's so far away from their intention.

I agree that it's a bit rude not to reply. I think she'd be expecting a response because she's told you what - to her - was an amusing story. And she's shared something about her family too.

I think it wouldn't hurt to just respond "what a coincidence!" and leave it at that.

Smoochie4Eva · 01/11/2023 13:59

LegendsBeyond · 01/11/2023 13:56

It’s a bit rude as it’s basically saying you wasted your money. She should have been more gracious & just said thank you.

This is how I took it too. She could have just said, ‘thank you so much for the gifts x’ and left it at that. Seems rude to me but we’re clearly in the minority

RubyBoozeDay · 01/11/2023 14:00

Replace the word smiling with the word laughing and the text message sounds a whole lot better. Maybe she just used the wrong verb?

AlexandriasWindmill · 01/11/2023 14:02

I'd just have replied - 'That's so funny! What a coincidence! Well at least you'll know how to return it if you want to swap it for something else.'

Dotjones · 01/11/2023 14:02

That's not rude. I can see why you're not "the kind of street where neighbours are all friends, we just nod the occasional hello etc." - people are too scared that someone will take offence at a perfectly innocent statement.