to be offended at neighbour's reaction

[SeaBreezeDream]

We aren't the kind of street where neighbours are all friends, we just nod the occasional hello etc. but a few days ago I had a small car smash pulling out of my drive and a lady a couple of doors along came out to see if I was ok. She was very kind with me and the situation in general, even though it was basically the first conversation we had ever really had. She waited with me a while and we got chatting and it was all very friendly and kind. I was upset and appreciated her being there.

I went round yesterday with a bunch of flowers to say thank you, plus a gift for her new grandchild as we had been chatting about the new baby and she was very excited about that. Her husband answered as she was out and I just handed them over and we exchanged pleasantries. All fine.

A little later I got a message from her saying thanks for the flowers and gift but I thought she was incredibly rude. She said

Thank you for the flowers and gift, there was no need. X and I couldn't stop laughing when we opened the gift. He was on their board for years and (daughter) is one of their buyers so we know all their products even though we don't tend to buy them. Daughter will find this so funny too! Take care, A.

Is that not a really crass message? Or am I being over sensitive?

(It cost £70 so wasn't exactly cheap shit either)

I think the focus should be the intent. As you've already noted, she was a very kind person who helped out an almost stranger and did so with compassion. So, is that kind of person likely to have intended offence or not?

I strongly suspect not. I would take it in the way it is most likely intended - as a friendly anecdote.

You spent too much which they could have been taken aback at. But it's all relative. You're probably a lot richer than me. I do think the message was rude, though. She basically said they didn't want the gift as they don't buy from the company. Maybe it wasn't intended in that way but they would have to be socially inept to not realise that.

It'd really clumsy of her but some people are. Don't let it get in the way of a potential friendship

We aren't going to be friends and I'm not going to reply

I'd actually find this more rude than her message.

Not remotely rude.

I think it was insensitive of her and she said far too much. She could have just said thank you.

It wasn’t necessary for her to say ”we know all their products even though we don't tend to buy them”. “We don’t tend to buy them” makes it sound like the products are not to their taste.

YABVU

She wasn't Irish.

I wasn't going to reply because I thought there was no need to reply to her thank you message.

We aren't friends or going to be friends, this was just a random one off thing and she was kind and I bought an unnecessary gift. End of.

I'm baffled why she made the comments rather than just a polite thank you, but happy to accept she was just sharing a funny anecdote and I read too much into it.

What was it?

You paid £70 for a gift and flowers and a card too? Wow

TBH the cost of the gift didn't bother me, and I'm sure the cost is totally insignificant to them. The money irrelevant obvs IS relevant as you have mentioned it

Why is this rude?

There is no budding friendship here.

She was kind to me
I bought a thank you gift
She sent a message of thanks

Should we keep thanking each other indefinitely?

If op spends 70 on a thank you gift for a neighbour she's obviously well off in a well off neighbourhood so their pocket change is different to someone poor or struggling on a counsel estate, it's all relative.70 quids isnt much if it's a wealthy millionaire neighbourhood.
I don't think the message is rude because you've now started a relationship and will sooner or late hear in conversation that her daughter works for the company and then you will think oh so my gift was something they could get. The neighbour ripped the bandaid and shared in a funny way so it's out of the way to recover any awkwardness rather than see the awkward realisation on your face when it's inevitably mentioned in the conversation. It was the kindest thing to do. I would just laugh it off, I'm sure the sentiment is appreciated, after all it's the thought that counts. Don't ruin a nice friendship by taking offense, it's actually really funny.

Not rude at all!

She's sharing some personal details about her and her family with you. That's a step on the road to friendship.

There's nothing wrong with highlighting the coincidence but she over-egged it, in my opinion. Between the "we don't buy them" and all of the belly laughing, it's a bit much. Receiving that reply would make me feel a bit silly and embarrassed.

Relevant in the sense of, had I bought some cheap tat maybe she would have been justified on mocking the gift.

Not relevant because I don't think she would have been embarrassed by the cost and I didn't begrudge spending it.

I think something like a smiley face or a quick, oh that's a funny coincidence would probably be better than not replying. You never know when you might need help from a neighbour (or they from you) so it never hurts to a) assume the best of those who've given you no reason at all to ascribe negative actions/motivations, and b) continue the threads that bind.

My take on it.

I don't consider myself particularly over sensitive but yeah I'd think it was a bit tactless. She's pretty much saying they would never buy from there isn't she? But you say she was very nice so she clearly didn't mean to offend. I think you're probably right not to respond. I'd have possibly responded with a 'oh dear I am sorry, how embarrassing! I'm more than happy to return it if you like?'

I think it was rude.. saying you "can't stop laughing" at a gift is incredibly bad manners, even if it's a "funny anecdote".

The polite thing would be to thank someone profusely for their gift, stressed that there really was no need but you appreciate the gesture and (given the circumstance of why the gift was given) say that you hope all is ok now.

Incredibly crass imo to have responded in this way!

It really wasn't mocking. I think you're taking it the wrong way. Honestly, it doesn't read that way.

I just think it’s clumsy wording. Really
clumsy. And yes comes across as crass but possibly unintentionally.

It’s definitely not rude but buying a ridiculous over effusive gift for a baby you don’t know kind of is.

she’s thanked you and relayed an anecdote she’s not mocking you or the gift

OP was you hoping for a more a* licking message on how it was the best present in the world and it was amazing and how they will be eternally grateful for it?

Absolutely nothing wrong with her message in any way, I just think you annoyed because its not brought the type of attention you want.

If you think about it, in mocking the gift she's mocking her DD's buying capabilities.

You're really highly strung. I feel like you you have a very shakey and low sense of self that you don't want anything to shatter appearance or detect any weakness or mistakes. You went over the top in the gift when you didn't need to send anything not even a card maybe because you hate seeming vulnerable or showing any vulnerability. You wanted to readjust the balance and dynamic by being on the same footing but then when the gift turned out to be funny rather than an impressive bribe you were hurt because in your eyes you still feeling inferior. I think you're insecure and have a fragile ego.

I can get if the op had spent £7 the responses would've been the total
Opposite... mumsnet at its finest!