To think someone must be able to do something - part 3

[PurpleLampShades]

I never thought I’d be needing to start a third thread but here we are. The first two threads have been a great source of support for me so I’m going to carry on.

First Thread
Second Thread

Long story short - DS (17) has been in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started when he was 15, though I have no proof as they deny it. This has been going on since at least March 2022. SS, the police and the DSL at his college have all been involved and things from that front have been pretty much exhausted. He has been on CIN and early intervention plans, been visited/spoken to by the police, offered workshops, counselling, contact centre etc. The main stumbling blocks are DS’s refusal/inability to recognise the abusive and toxic situation he is in and the resulting refusal to engage with services to extract him from it.
She is abusive, manipulative and extremely controlling. She has isolated him almost entirely from friends, family and hobbies. She is destroying his self esteem, confidence and self-worth. She controls his phone, who he speaks to, where he goes, what he does. I know she has slapped him around the face more than once and was seen to put her hand around his throat while they were kissing once. I don’t know if there are other incidents like that. The remaining protective factor is that he is still managing to attend college, although attendance is a bit of a concern.

I am at the point of not really knowing what to do now. I feel like I’ve lost him.

I agree with everyone else, you didn't quiz him or judge him just loved him and he will remember that in his darkest days and slowly he will get stronger

If he has a social worker, or police liason, then let them know what happened. They might do a welfare check.

You were perfect.

You did EVERYTHING right here, although it probably doesn't feel like it. You didn't bad mouth her, you didn't push him, you just let him be where he needed to be. He knew exactly where he wanted to be. And one day, he will want to be free from her but he's not there yet.

I'm so sorry. My son is only 1, but the idea of seeing my boy with bruises at the hands of someone else makes me feel sick and equally want to scream my head off in rage.

I think you're doing much much better than you're giving yourself credit for. I know I wouldn't be that restrained and calm, and that's what your son needs and that's what you're being. He wouldn't come to you if you weren't his absolute safe space. That's all you can be for him right now. And all he needs from you right now.

It'll be hard not to beat yourself up, but try not to. You fell asleep, you didn't do anything bad. You're suffering too and you matter too. You need to be able to sleep and have feelings and look after you- so you can be strong for him.

I also think if you had stayed awake, or slept nearby or whatever, it would have been worse. Imagine you're exhausted and stressed to the max. Then he wants to go back. How do you think that would have gone? Not well I imagine. This is a blessing in disguise, only in the sense that this way now, it has been left at you being his safe space still. He has those memories of his mummy cuddling him and being calm and safe. Rather than the mental and emotional gymnastics of him wanting to go back (feeling like he has to rather than true want) and having to get past your feelings on the matter. As awful as that sounds! And if that makes sense. He knows his mum is there.

You're doing wonderful

Oh Purple. 😔

I'm sorry he went back. I'm so glad he came though. It shows he trusts you and knows you are there for him.

If you ever get a similar situation again where you are alone with him at all, one thing I would say is tell him there is nothing anyone could say or do that would stop you loving him. Not in the context of if they break up, just in general.

My son came to me this week with something minor in comparison but he was so relieved he'd come to me and I reiterated he can come to me anytime with anything. Nothing him or anyone else could do or say would change that.

Sometimes abusers threaten to tell the victim's loved ones dark secrets they have told during the love bombing stage, or moans they have said in confidence, or they threaten to ruin a loved one's life or security etc if the victim leaves. The victim then stays as even the thought of their one safe person being hurt (even emotionally) is more than they can bare. 😔

Is he just at home now? Has he got a job?? I'm just wondering if there's any chance of coming across him like you were able to at college that time.

Also: what is your local police force's stance on domestic violence? Mine at one point, I'm not sure if they still do, had a zero tolerance policy and they didn't need the victim's permission to prosecute. This might be something to look into for future reference. Or even for this incident but that is something to mull over.

Another thought... By going to sleep you showed you trusted him. You weren't monitoring his movements and you don't plague him with millions of missed calls. He got up and was able to do what he wanted. You will have reminded him what is waiting for him when he's become strong enough to leave her.

Hi Purple, I think you did everything right, you reaffirmed that home is a safe place for him x

I was just about to type exactly this. Well done. He now knows for sure he can come back to safety without judgement and receive love and care. I hope he manages to break free soon.

I don't think you should have done anything different to what you did.

He knows he can come and go now, without censure. He will be back, maybe not permanently next time, but he will be back

I would take from this he knows in his heart you are there. You didn't ask any more of what he was prepared or able to give, you just were there for him. He will have that for when she is being nasty to him, to know she isn't right about everything 💜

I agree with what others have said. You did everything right and just confirmed that you are his safe space.
Sending you a massive hug!

You were perfect. He trusted you enough to come to you and now he will trust you even more - he needed you and you were his mother. Sray strong xx

You must be so worried purple, but you've shown him unconditional love which he will remember.
If he's still involved with any services I'd update them and tell them what happened, other than that I agree with others it sounds like you handled it so well.

Dear Purple, I’ve only stumbled on your story today and skimmed through your posts but fully support PPs who have said you did the right thing.

If they had a row, this might be the beginning of the end despite him going back but it must mean he did oppose her for a while. You have shown you are there for him and he has shown he will trust you and come to you when he needs help.

Keep taking the deep breaths and take support where you can.

Oh thank you everyone. I didn’t realise quite how much I needed someone to say how I did things was ok. Bit emotional again now. But feeling better about it. It is a positive that he came here, absolutely. I don’t really know what he’s doing with his time as I’ve not really managed to get to speak to him about that. I really hope you are right that this might be the beginning of the end for their relationship, if you can call it that. Thanks again.

Heartbreaking as it must have been purple to see him like that and for him to go again I really do think this is a massive step forwards. You did absolutely everything right, showing him that unconditional love in his safe home. He will always know he can come to you

Hi, I haven't read the whole thread, but have read all your posts, OP. I wanted to tell you about my own experience of being in an abusive relationship at 18, with someone who separated me from my family. I never stopped thinking about them despite hearing from my partner that they didn't care about me and that I shouldn't care about them. It lasted two years before I was frightened enough to escape and go back to my family. I'm very grateful that my family and I managed to repair things and are close again. Your love for your DS and your pain are so apparent. It sounds as if you are doing all the right things, and it also sounds as if things are falling apart in your DS's relationship - sounds like a possible extinction burst. Wishing all the best for you and your DS.

I've just read every one of your posts from beginning to end and I'm so sorry for what you and your son have been through and are still going through. It is heartbreaking. I am thinking of you both and hoping so much that he comes back to you soon. You are still his safe space - well done for your hard work on this, the times you have restrained yourself and bitten your tongue have paid off. You did exactly the right thing.

@PurpleLampShades
He came to you in his time of need.
He knew he would be safe and loved.
He knew he wouldn't be judged.
He knows he can rely on you.
You are his Mum.
You will never ever give up on him.
He just knows.

You have been unbelievably brave throughout the months that have gone. You will both get through this. My admiration for your actions throughout are immense. I remember reading the very first post and my heart went out to you. Keep going purple 💜 x

Can't add anything that hasn't already been said Purple. You know it now, you are his safe space, he knows you're there, morning, noon and night if he needs, with unwavering, unpressured, nurturing love and support. He is so lucky to have you as his mum, and he'll never forget this.

As torturous as it feels, he has to make this choice himself, to make the break properly. I imagine there was very little you could have done differently to have prevented him going again.

It's baby steps. And as baby steps go, they're getting larger and larger.

How exhausted and exasperated you must feel, to have had him so close, and for him to leave again so soon. But as soon as you have the strength, you must report everything that's happened, and again, try to find support for you through specialists in domestic abuse, to help process it all.

You just cannot and must not blame yourself.

Oh purple - it’s all so heartbreaking but I’m so glad he knows you are his safe place still.

I just wanted to suggest that maybe you should hide a key somewhere and let him know where - just in case he ever comes in the night again and you are asleep. Even if he had a key there’s always a chance she could take it etc.

Always thinking about you and hope he finds the strength to leave her for good next time 💜

This is massive progress. He now knows for sure that you will always be there for him. So no matter what poison she drips in his ear to try to make him think that he only has her in the world, he will know it is not true.

Whilst your update is so sad, I have to agree with previous posters, the relationship and her hold on your Son is beginning to unravel.

Hold on OP, it'll come to an end eventually .

You are right that it may take many more times for his to escape yet and I can’t even imagine how much it must hurt knowing he is so close but so far but you are doing amazing as always!

You are everything he needs and more, sometimes there is a real art to do nothing and just waiting. You are so consistent, he had a brief glimpse of what it is like to be loved and accepted unconditionally. That’s a really huge thing, and even if years from now he doesn’t remember all the words that were or weren’t said he will always remember how it felt to be embraced and loved despite a really prolonged and complex situation. He is loved and lucky x

@PurpleLampShades I’ve just come across your posts and read through them. I can’t believe what you’re having to deal with, and how well you’re dealing with it. Having that vile woman in your house and watching what she does to your son is unthinkable and incredibly strong on your part. I can’t help thinking that if the gender roles were reversed and an older man was abusing a teenage girl then it would be taken more seriously.

Your situation highlights a huge gap in the safeguarding of 16-18 year olds, there seems to be no consensus on whether they are to be treated as kids or adults. Apologies if people have already said this, but have you contacted your MP? And I know PP have said this, but surely a PI could help gather evidence of her abuse? Surely if someone at the contact centre saw her putting her hands around DS’ throat, then a PI could get solid evidence of such incidents.