To think someone must be able to do something - part 3

[PurpleLampShades]

I never thought I’d be needing to start a third thread but here we are. The first two threads have been a great source of support for me so I’m going to carry on.

First Thread
Second Thread

Long story short - DS (17) has been in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started when he was 15, though I have no proof as they deny it. This has been going on since at least March 2022. SS, the police and the DSL at his college have all been involved and things from that front have been pretty much exhausted. He has been on CIN and early intervention plans, been visited/spoken to by the police, offered workshops, counselling, contact centre etc. The main stumbling blocks are DS’s refusal/inability to recognise the abusive and toxic situation he is in and the resulting refusal to engage with services to extract him from it.
She is abusive, manipulative and extremely controlling. She has isolated him almost entirely from friends, family and hobbies. She is destroying his self esteem, confidence and self-worth. She controls his phone, who he speaks to, where he goes, what he does. I know she has slapped him around the face more than once and was seen to put her hand around his throat while they were kissing once. I don’t know if there are other incidents like that. The remaining protective factor is that he is still managing to attend college, although attendance is a bit of a concern.

I am at the point of not really knowing what to do now. I feel like I’ve lost him.

Oh Purps, like a lot of other posters on your threads, I think of you often. It seems your son may be a tiny step further forward in seeing his relationship for what it really is.

Sending you both huge amounts of strength and love ❤️

Thankyou for updating @PurpleLampShades. Like many others I think of you and your boy often.

Hoping very hard that his new contact with a support worker comes to a positive outcome xx

Hi Purple another poster who has been with you from thread one.
You truly are one amazing woman. I'm so sorry to hear of your son being hospitalised but it's resulted in him being on people's radar now.
I hope this is the year this nightmare ends for you both. Keep strong, you are a lioness. X

@PurpleLampShades I've been following this since the beginning and think of you and your son often. I've since had my own son, he's 10 months old, and your strength and resilience has astounded me all the more, as well as a more acute awareness of how much of a toll this must be taking on you now I have a child. I so hope with this new development, that one day soon the first steps are taken of him getting away for the dreg of a woman and home safe. Big hugs to you x

Been here since Thread 1 purple. I was thinking of you and your son and so wishing he was back home with you, especially since the update.

I hope it's not long until he is back with you again. I will keep everything crossed for you both.

Also been here from thread 1 and feel emotional reading every update. I think every mother of a son feels for you. What amazing strength you show for your son.
The power of a mother's love is greater than any force on earth ❤️ 💪

Also been following your posts since the first thread and want to echo other posters that you’re doing so well. My heart hurts for you and I hope with every fibre of my being that this is all over and he comes back to you soon. Not sure if others have said this and I know you said you aren’t planning to, but I’d definitely do a Clare’s law application. You just never know what it might show.

Sorry this is still going on. So hard. Every time you see him, let him know you love him and he can come home anytime.

Still here thinking of you and your son op xx

Felt like there might be an update today, I don’t know why, I hope you’re doing ok xx

Still thinking of you and your son, @PurpleLampShades .

Hope you're ok.

I have read all your threads and check in regularly now, and think of you often. I have a son (still small) and cannot begin to imagine how you must be feeling going through this, such a nightmare. I truly hope your son is away from this woman soon.

Still here, thinking of you.
I hope this is the beginning of the end of this ordeal now that other people are flagging things.
Hang in there.

Any updates OP? It’s the stuff of nightmares
There have been occasions I have questioned my DD and DS relationship choices due to abuse or coercive control - now thankfully in the past but nothing on the same scale as you have had to cope with

Sending thoughts and hoping for a breakthrough for you purple

Ive never known a thread receive such ongoing support as these ones have. I think the situation touches such a deep sense of pain and helplessness that as parents we can all empathise with.

I know when he does finally leave her purple it won’t erase these years of pain and anguish or regret at his lost teenage carefree moments but I hope you will finally be able to sleep and know he’s safe and start to rebuild things together as a family.

Here for you op xxx

Hello. Well, I thought I might have some good news to share with you all at the weekend but things never work out the way you want them to do they? I feel like I should have posted on here at the time to get some advice about how to approach it, and I’m absolutely kicking myself now that I didn’t, because perhaps someone may have suggested something that might have worked.

But anyway, things were relatively quiet for several weeks. Nothing really happening, no more incidents that I know of. I spoke to him briefly twice on the phone but I think I was on speakerphone and/or she was listening as he wasn’t very talkative and I didn’t feel I could really talk to him or ask him anything.

Then this weekend he turned up at the house on Friday night. It must have been about 1am. I was in bed but luckily still awake, as is usual for me these days, for this very reason though - In case he turned up here or phoned me. He was in a state, emotional, teary, but very quiet. Didn’t want to talk, didn’t want to answer any questions, but we sat together on the sofa with the tv on and I gave him a cuddle. I cannot tell you how good it felt to properly hug my little boy again but also how much it broke my heart. You know how it feels when your child is distressed and they cling on to you for comfort? That’s what it was. We sat like that for a long while then I put him to bed in his room and he fell asleep, out like a light. When I went to check on him a while later I saw he had bruises/marks on his neck and his phone lit up while I was in there - 63 missed calls.

I went to bed thinking I would stay awake just in case but stupidly ended up falling asleep - I should have stayed in the lounge - and when I woke up he had gone back to her. He left a little note saying sorry and thank you, they had an argument but they’ve made up now and he hopes to see me soon. That was on Saturday but I haven’t heard from him since. I just don’t understand what happened nor why he would go back. Though I suppose they do say it takes seven attempts to leave don’t they? Maybe that was the first try? Sorry it’s not better news.

Oh @PurpleLampShades my heart breaks for you, I gasped reading that post. Please don't blame yourself for falling asleep you wouldn't have been able to keep him by force if he wasnt ready anyway. He came to you ik his hour of need, he knows you're a safe place and he won't be judged when he comes back. Keep the faith, it sounds like he's slowly but surely making his way out. Sending you strength and positive energy!

Oh gosh, that is heartbreaking, I feel for you

I think it is positive though. Now he has come once, and knows it's safe, I think he is more likely to come again

You didn't turn him away, or grill him, or try and stop him leaving so he may find it easier in future to run too you.

If he comes again you can try to get a bit further, but my feeling is that you don't want him to feel uncomfortable coming to you and be worried about getting a grilling.

@PurpleLampShades Oh bless you. I'm so sorry. Glad that you saw him and were able to hold him, but sorry for what you witnessed and that he's gone back to her. Are you able to report to the Police or a Social/Support Worker what you witnessed on his body and phone? Just so it's on record.

Other than that, I don't think there was anything you could have done better for him than what you did. You opened the door, welcomed him in, and held and comforted him, all without fanfare and drama. Quietly doing that and then putting him to bed was what he needed, and he will remember that more than anything. Don't blame yourself for falling asleep - you needed your rest and, even if you had remained awake, I believe he would still have gone back to her - and it may have resulted in angry words at parting. You were amazing.

I hope this is indeed the first step in a path back to happiness for you both. Sending much love. xx

Oh God Purple. Your poor boy. That is so heartbreaking.

BUT. He came to you. You are his safe space.

Oh @PurpleLampShades I feel so sad for you both. Can you ring and ask the police to do an anonymous welfare check due to the bruises? I’m not sure if that’s the right thing to suggest - hopefully someone will be along soon with better advice 💐💐

This exactly. He knows he can come to you.

But I'm sorry it's not a better situation for you and your son. It's just a waiting game now but he knows you're there for him.

She pushed him further than he would take, he came to you and you were perfect. He knows he can come back to you. Any headway she might have made with poisoning him against you is undone, just like that. I'm hopeful that he's breaking free.

I don't think there was anything you could have done better for him than what you did. You opened the door, welcomed him in, and held and comforted him, all without fanfare and drama. Quietly doing that and then putting him to bed was what he needed, and he will remember that more than anything.

This.

I'm sorry you had to see him like that, but take hope from the fact that he came to you.x.