To think someone must be able to do something - part 3

[PurpleLampShades]

I never thought I’d be needing to start a third thread but here we are. The first two threads have been a great source of support for me so I’m going to carry on.

First Thread
Second Thread

Long story short - DS (17) has been in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started when he was 15, though I have no proof as they deny it. This has been going on since at least March 2022. SS, the police and the DSL at his college have all been involved and things from that front have been pretty much exhausted. He has been on CIN and early intervention plans, been visited/spoken to by the police, offered workshops, counselling, contact centre etc. The main stumbling blocks are DS’s refusal/inability to recognise the abusive and toxic situation he is in and the resulting refusal to engage with services to extract him from it.
She is abusive, manipulative and extremely controlling. She has isolated him almost entirely from friends, family and hobbies. She is destroying his self esteem, confidence and self-worth. She controls his phone, who he speaks to, where he goes, what he does. I know she has slapped him around the face more than once and was seen to put her hand around his throat while they were kissing once. I don’t know if there are other incidents like that. The remaining protective factor is that he is still managing to attend college, although attendance is a bit of a concern.

I am at the point of not really knowing what to do now. I feel like I’ve lost him.

Oh Purple, I think of you so often 💜
I'm glad he's getting some level of support, but horrified that he has had at least 2 "injuries/accidents" needing medical attention.

I hope he leaves her soon. As others have said he know you and your home is a place of safety

Hello @PurpleLampShades

i think of you often. And your son. I feel for you both.

not sure if this is an agency you are already aware of. I hope you don’t mind me putting this link:

https://mankind.org.uk/

Just wanted to send you both an enormous amount of love.

Good to hear from your purple (I've followed from the started but name changed) and I'm so sorry to hear he's had further injuries. I really hope the support worker can make a difference and he does come back to you soon.

How are you holding up with all this?

Dear Purple, thank you so much for taking the time to update your thread. As I've said before, your posts are the ones that have moved & affected me the most on MN. I, like everyone else in here, wish for a happy ending for you and your sin. You're a amazing Mum and we're all behind the two of you. Love & hugs & I really hope this is the start of the turnaround that's so desperately needed for you both xxx

Thinking of you still 💐

Ah crikey Purple - ambulance and hospital visit must have had you going out of your mind with worry again. Just hoping and praying all of this means at least he won't fall off the radar. SO pleased he has a support worker - I really hope they will persevere with him. Everything crossed for a resolution soon

I'm so glad he's under someone's radar now! Have you got support around you?

Thinking of you. Had a friend who was in a controlling relationship like this many years ago, and she did eventually escape from his clutches. Wishing the same for your son xx

I'm so sorry to hear there's been some more serious incidents. That must be so tough for you to hear.
As others have said, I'm so glad that he has named you as one of his safety contacts. I'm hoping that means he has had some small insights into how he is being treated by her, and how his mum always has his back.

I am so sorry to read what he’s been going through. It must be heartbreaking for you to think about.

But it’s really good he is now on the radar and is getting some support.

Poor kid. She really has done a number on him.

Thanks for updating us @PurpleLampShades. Huge hugs to you.

I wonder if you can discuss this with your local police domestic violence unit (or equivalent). Anything that raises the profile that he is a victim of coercive control and violence.

Sorry. Just to clarify the ambulance and hospital were one incident. There have been other smaller things/concerns that also cropped up but it was that one specifically that triggered the referrals and then the assessment. Briefly, he suffered a head injury and was knocked out, after which he had a period of time where he was a bit confused and just really not with it and ended up saying a couple of things to the paramedics and hospital staff and behaving in a way that sparked concern. This was before she arrived at the hospital. The paramedics had told her she needed to make her own way to the hospital. I don’t know if that’s a standard thing or whether they wanted to separate DS from her for a bit. I was also called by the hospital and actually managed to get there before she did so whilst the whole thing was awful overall, I did get a blissful few minutes with him to hug him and hold his hand without her breathing down his neck. It also meant I got to explain the background of the situation to one of the lovely nurses, who was amazing. That was the last time I saw him. I’ve spoken to him once on the phone since then but that’s it. I do now have his number again and I send regular texts but never get a reply. I don’t try to ring because it always goes straight to voicemail.

Thank you for all the kind posts. I’m doing ok at the moment I think or as well as can be expected. I have actually opened up a bit to two work colleagues after having a bit of a breakdown at work. They have been really supportive and amazing at encouraging me to keep banging the drum so to speak. I feel a bit silly for not speaking up sooner to be honest. Still seeing a counsellor who is good at helping me to reframe some of my thought processes and perspectives. Still on medication and I now also have meds to help me sleep but I’m a bit reluctant to take them in case DS rings and I don’t hear it.

You're amazing @PurpleLampShades - I can't imagine how hard it is. I'm so pleased that you have started to open up to colleagues/others. It's not something to shoulder alone.

Please keep coming back and updating us. You are honestly in many people's thoughts.

I have been following your story too @PurpleLampShades. Here’s hoping this will all be resolved soon and your poor son will be out of her clutches.

Massive hugs @PurpleLampShades the head injury incident is shocking. It's really good the paramedics/hospital staff noticed things were not right- that at least cannot be turned against you for making things up.

The toll on you must feel unbearable at times.
You are utterly amazing not to have fallen to pieces way before now, and you are totally allowed to let it get to you at times - completely understandable and you'd be pretty unhuman not to have had the odd wobble. Really glad you have support at work, but I get that sometimes having a space where no-one knows and things are almost normal has probably been quite helpful, so don't beat yourself up! At least now they know, and if you need to take time off unexpectedly due to this, you know it'll be okay.

Gosh I hope he gets away from her soon😔
Wishing you every strength xx

Hopefully this will be the start of the end for them, and that he is able to get away ❤️

I'm glad you've got support and encouragement to keep banging the drum purple

You are and always will be his safe space ❤️

@PurpleLampShades have you thought of leaving him a voice message, just reminding him that you love him, and miss him and letting him know you will be available to him whenever he wants to see you.

You may not get to speak to him, but it will be there for him to hear whenever he wants, and the sound of your voice could give him strength.

You are one incredible & strong Mumma Purple. We're all behind you and your son xxx

Oh I just want to give you a big hug 😔

Goodness this must be so difficult for you. I’m glad you got those few minutes with him at the hospital and that they rang you. Keep strong. Let’s hope he comes home soon x

I think about you very often Purple, and am so sorry this is still going on. I can't even begin to imagine what you've been going through. I'm glad you got a few minutes with him, glad he's now on some serious radar, and glad you've opened up to some colleages too. Sending you hugs and strength x

Just sending love @PurpleLampShades

I have a son a similar age and it chills my blood to think of what you and your son are going through. The support worker sounds a hopeful sign, but all so slow. You have been an amazing, strong mother to him.