Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think someone must be able to do something - part 3

615 replies

PurpleLampShades · 01/11/2023 09:09

I never thought I’d be needing to start a third thread but here we are. The first two threads have been a great source of support for me so I’m going to carry on.

First Thread
Second Thread

Long story short - DS (17) has been in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started when he was 15, though I have no proof as they deny it. This has been going on since at least March 2022. SS, the police and the DSL at his college have all been involved and things from that front have been pretty much exhausted. He has been on CIN and early intervention plans, been visited/spoken to by the police, offered workshops, counselling, contact centre etc. The main stumbling blocks are DS’s refusal/inability to recognise the abusive and toxic situation he is in and the resulting refusal to engage with services to extract him from it.
She is abusive, manipulative and extremely controlling. She has isolated him almost entirely from friends, family and hobbies. She is destroying his self esteem, confidence and self-worth. She controls his phone, who he speaks to, where he goes, what he does. I know she has slapped him around the face more than once and was seen to put her hand around his throat while they were kissing once. I don’t know if there are other incidents like that. The remaining protective factor is that he is still managing to attend college, although attendance is a bit of a concern.

I am at the point of not really knowing what to do now. I feel like I’ve lost him.

OP posts:
IHateLegDay · 29/04/2024 23:53

You were in my head again today Purple. I often think of you and say a little prayer to the universe that the witch will go her own way and your son will come back to you.
I really hope you and your son are ok xx

AlmaCogansFrockFan · 30/04/2024 12:19

Praying for a happy outcome for you and your son. x

PinkFrogss · 30/04/2024 17:22

Another one still thinking of you OP Flowers

SuffolkUnicorn · 30/04/2024 20:42

Been here from
the start hope you and your son are ok xx

CloverHilla · 30/04/2024 20:54

Always thinking of you and hoping things are better 💜💜💜💜💜💜

Peasnbeans · 01/05/2024 08:42

Can you ask the police to do a 'safe and well check,' now he's left college?
Can they use something like the modern slavery legislation - how do they protect vulnerable adults then?

Wantingtomove123 · 01/05/2024 20:11

Been reading from the start of your second thread. I often think of you purple. It’s so heart breaking. Can’t imagine what you are going through. Someone in my life left like this but he was a grown up. Cut all contact with mum, wife and daughter. Was totally controlled by other woman. He was so scared of her and it made no sense why he would do this to himself or his family. Eventually he came back. Of course your son is only 17 and it’s so much worse. I really really hope he comes back soon. You are not alone. We are here thinking of you ❤️

LakieLady · 01/05/2024 20:32

I often wonder how you're doing @PurpleLampShades and I'm so sorry this is still going on. You must be worried sick, the injuries are a real concern, and the dropping out of school is really sad.

Here's hoping he comes to his senses soon, and sees this abusive, manipulative woman for what she is. ❤

fiftypercentoff · 05/05/2024 22:27

@PurpleLampShades reading your latest update and sending virtual hugs. It's dispicable the lack of legal protection for this age group of young people. You're doing amazing. Hang in there for your child x

Original poster
PurpleLampShades · 07/05/2024 19:08

Hello. I thought I’d write a short update. I’ve had minimal contact and therefore don’t know the ins and outs of what has been going on, and I don’t really get informed of much unfortunately, but a few things have happened that have placed him on services radars, which, although horrible, is also a good thing.

A dash assessment was completed but of course his answers didn’t reflect the true risk so there was no referral to mash or marac made at that time.
He was instead referred to a support service that includes support for male victims and one of the support workers seems to have made a tiny bit of headway with DS and despite DS refusing to disclose anything so far he did engage in making a safety plan with this support worker, which to me clearly does suggests there are serious problems, otherwise why would he do that? I only know about this because I am one of the safe places in that plan. My hope is that this support worker will be able to help DS feel able to disclose enough for another dash assessment and referral to mash.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 07/05/2024 19:10

I'm so very sorry that this is still going on and your son is being failed by everyone.

Duh · 07/05/2024 19:10

Oh my goodness Purple. I think of you and your son and while this update is obviously not good in terms of his treatment I am pleased he knows you remain a safe haven for him. I hope he returns to you safely and soon x

Original poster
PurpleLampShades · 07/05/2024 19:14

Yes. I am really pleased he still sees me and his home here as safe. I know there would be more contact if he was able to, but for whatever reason he’s not in that space right now. I am really thankful for the support worker.

OP posts:
Hickry · 07/05/2024 19:18

Sending you a massive hug Purple. As a mum of two boys I often think of you and your ds.

I'm sorry he's had stuff happen that has made him pop up on people's radar but equally I'm relieved it has blipped on radars too if that makes sense. And it's great you are in his safety plan and he has a support worker he's building trust with.

Original poster
PurpleLampShades · 07/05/2024 19:22

It’s quite a recent development and I don’t know how it’s working or how many times they’ve had contact since she doesn’t seem to let DS out of her sight. I suppose it’s something the support workers are used to dealing with and probably have strategies to manage it.

OP posts:
Capmagturk · 07/05/2024 19:24

Hopefully this will be the beginning of the end of the relationship and you'll have your son home with you in the not too distance future.

0psiedasiy · 07/05/2024 19:27

Hopefully things will start changing now

LizzieRose16 · 07/05/2024 19:29

As others have already said, I often think of you Purple. Whilst he is still clearly in a terrible situation, his engagement with the support worker is the first positive step in a long time. Let's hope this SW is able to gain his trust and get him to accept the help he so desperately needs. It speaks volumes that he still considers you a safe place xxx

coffeestrongblacknosugar · 07/05/2024 19:31

oh wow! That is a huge change. I am thinking of you and DS and hope he is home with you soon, but what an awful first relationship for him. Sending you all the love and hugs and heaps of strength for this.

longleggitybeastie · 07/05/2024 19:34

So pleased to hear there is a support worker - I really hope they can make some progress. I too think it's positive he made a safety plan, and really positive that you are on it. I'm not sure if the support worker can talk specifics with you due to confidentiality, but it's certainly a valid question you could ask of the service as to how common it is for a person to do this in these circs? Difficult not to read too much in to it too. It does at last sound like the right service is finally involved, I hope there is some comfort in that.

InkyNight · 07/05/2024 19:38

I have a boy of a similar age, and I want you to know I honestly think of you lots @PurpleLampShades and send you huge, positive vibes across the ether. You've been to hell and back. I hope the support worker is able to turn the page for your son and get him out of his situation.

Dwrcegin · 07/05/2024 19:46

I'm so glad he is getting some help, even though that must be very difficult, knowing that he is at such risk.

I really hope they can get him to leave her.

Original poster
PurpleLampShades · 07/05/2024 19:47

longleggitybeastie · 07/05/2024 19:34

So pleased to hear there is a support worker - I really hope they can make some progress. I too think it's positive he made a safety plan, and really positive that you are on it. I'm not sure if the support worker can talk specifics with you due to confidentiality, but it's certainly a valid question you could ask of the service as to how common it is for a person to do this in these circs? Difficult not to read too much in to it too. It does at last sound like the right service is finally involved, I hope there is some comfort in that.

Yes. I think the safety plan has come about because of the more recent incidents. There has been an ambulance call out and hospital visit amongst other things. I am annoyed at how the dash assessment played out because it’s so obvious now that he is being abused and his assessment came out so low they said they couldn’t refer him. It’s clear to me he just automatically answered no to everything and I feel they should have referred him anyway based on what could be observed and what he said during the ambulance/hospital visit. The paramedics and the hospital both put safeguarding concerns in, which triggered the dash assessment. But I’m trying to move past that and just hope the support worker can make some headway. They did say they hoped the same thing so they know he didn’t answer the questions properly.

OP posts:
Inthebleakmidwinter2 · 07/05/2024 20:06

I've been here since the beginning and think of you every so often purple. Not sure what mash/dash are but I hope something comes of it.
If you're able to email the support worker or talk on the phone I'd provide as much back story as possible. I know you've already done so much though and it must be exhausting.
Hope you're managing OK.

Wizzadorra70 · 07/05/2024 20:23

It's brilliant that he sees home and you as a safe space. It may not feel it but you've reacted so brilliantly to all of this and I hope this gives you some confirmation of that. He still trusts you. And that matters more than anything.

He needs to see the light before anything will happen, and that may take time. But if you're not judging him, just quietly supporting then he will turn to you. Thank goodness that there is now an experienced support worker who will know how to help him see that this is abuse and isn't OK.

Keep the faith Flowers