AIBU - sister and brother in law seemingly excluding me

[MarleneH]

Good evening all,
please advise me if I’m being unreasonable being annoyed?

my husbands sister (SIL) brought hubby a gift for his birthday last year to go to a concert in December. I found out last week that It’s not just hubby and sister in law going, it’s sister in law and her partner, and my brother in law and his partner - so couples night excluding me. My hubby is basically third wheeling.

do I have the right to feel annoyed? I feel excluded and disrespected tbh. I feel like I should have been asked.

it’s annoyed me because it’s basically hubby and his siblings plus their partners, but no one thought to ask me. I do not expect anyone to pay for me, but it would’ve been nice to have been asked and I could have sent over my money or booked my ticket. All sold out now so too late.

what would you do? Is it even worth me speaking to hubby?

Thanks
M x

So what else did she say? Remotely apologetic? Planning to speak to you about it?

Or just a shoulder shrug and a 'tough'?

So they were not excluding the OP. They thought it was an activity in which she had no interest. So unless there is a reason to believe that the SIL is not telling the truth, there was no malicious intent and no desire to exclude.
All is well that ends well.

I would go mad! What an insult. If my DH went I would have his bags packed. You are a few years in. Let this go and it will get worse.

Believe me been there, done that, put my foot down after 18 years of marriage after unacceptable IL behaviour and now all good. However I’ll never forget his behaviour at the time to this day.

You are being told that you are not a family member. Not on!

@Mari9999

All is well that ends well.

Not really the OP would have liked to be asked as would I and she wants to go but it's too late

YANBU. Its weird and a bit mean tbh. I'd be hurt by this.

They literally did exclude her though assuming it wasn’t her thing. They actually socialise so every opportunity to confirm. But more importantly I don’t like a lot of things my husband likes but I’ll go with him cause I like to see him enjoying the stuff he likes. Your take has been weird throughout and I began to wonder if you were in fact the SIL.

Let them all go. But don't forget their actions. It's okay for people not to want to include you, and even not to like you. Make peace with that first (which is hard, but you are amazing so why wouldn't people want to spend time with you?!) You can then spend your precious time with people who do like you and want to include you. This might be a one off, and all is well from now on. But if they do it again, you know to not waste time with them! Just because they are family it doesn't mean you have to like them and spend time together. Book something else that day, to do with your friends, and don't mention it to DH. He probably knows his sisters can be cruel.

Oh, they didn't think it was your thing?

Why is that then? What is it about that band, seeing live music etc. that isn't your thing? How do they know?

People trot out this line all the time when trying to cover their own arses when they are called out for excluding people.

One thing that is sad, is that at some point many DIL/ SIL realise that although they are married to their brother/ son, they are just tolerated, not accepted. You can be the loveliest person on the planet, but your crime is that you loved this man. You go into their family trying to do your best, and treating them like your own family, and then one day you get kicked in the teeth like this. It is a bitter pill to swallow.

One thing I learned in my very long relationship with my DH, is that I was damned if I did, and damned if I didn't. So, somewhere around 15 years in, I just stopped doing things, and I stopped caring.

Make sure your support network is not them. Lean on your own family, and make good friends who like you, for you, and don't see you as an interloper, as many in-laws do.

Oof, sorry OP that’s not very nice of them.

I sometimes prefer to go out with my siblings without their partners as it does change the dynamic quite a bit, one DH is quite jealous so can cause unnecessary friction, and the other doesn’t really do anything but my sister acts differently and more reserved when she’s out with him.. I find it a frustrating because I act the same whether DH is with me or not?

But we tend to go out just as sibling more often than not as I would NEVER set up a couples thing and not invite one half of one of the couples, even if you didn’t particularly want them to come, it’s a horrible way to go on.

Frankly is the SIL an idiot? 'I didn't think it was your thing' is such a pathetic cop-out and if SIL is not an idiot then the excuse is a blatant lie. I invite people to stuff that's 'not their thing' all the time because I like spending time with them. Of course they are at liberty to say no thanks it's not my thing but I ask, especially if there's a group going.

The bit that gets me really suspicious is that you spend regular time with SIL she's actively not mentioned this. She's not mentioned oh I'm thinking about us all going to x or asked what do you think about x? Most people would mention if they've got tickets for gig or an event coming up in the natural course of conversation if they innocently believed you wouldn't be interested in going along yourself. Even if it was some sort of surprise for the husband, most people would check in with the spouse anyway to see if the dates we're going to be suitable.

She won't learn and change unless there are consequences. Those consequences should probably be that your husband doesn't go, and she has a spare ticket to offload. No need to make a big drama. It's perfectly reasonable for the husband to say that it won't be as enjoyable for him if they're all with their partners and he's alone knowing his wife is missing out on the evening.

You SIL is being totally inconsiderate. There's 2 couples and your husband going to this gig. I would be asking him to find out why you were excluded? And actually I'm petty enough not to invite them to any gatherings you organise in the near future to give her a taste of what it feels like

It is up to your husband to talk to them and tell them that it is not on and how would she feel if tickets were ordered for everyone else and she was the only one left out of the couples. He has to have your back in this or else it will be an ongoing thing. Keep your calm about it all and do not let her see you are bothered as that will annoy her more. Hope your husband stands up for you on this and in future issues.

This could be an oversight or as other posters have said maybe your SIL doesn’t want you there. The first year we were married my MIL bought tickets for my husband and his three children from his first marriage to go to a West End show and wrote ‘precious time with your three’ in the card. She didn’t even call me to ask if I wanted to go (we were also a blended family with my son the same age as my husband’s son) or tell me she was going to do that. She didn’t like me although I hadn’t clocked that fully at the time and this was her way of trying to control the situation.

it’s either a genuine oversight or your SIL
is trying to tell you something. Ask your husband which one he thinks it is. My husband knew straight away and was seriously pissed off so the machinations backfired! Also let it be known that you would be unhappy for it to happen again without you at least being asked if you’d like to go. It’s not the not going that’s the issue sometimes it’s the lack of consideration that hurts.

🤣🤣