AIBU - sister and brother in law seemingly excluding me

[MarleneH]

Good evening all,
please advise me if I’m being unreasonable being annoyed?

my husbands sister (SIL) brought hubby a gift for his birthday last year to go to a concert in December. I found out last week that It’s not just hubby and sister in law going, it’s sister in law and her partner, and my brother in law and his partner - so couples night excluding me. My hubby is basically third wheeling.

do I have the right to feel annoyed? I feel excluded and disrespected tbh. I feel like I should have been asked.

it’s annoyed me because it’s basically hubby and his siblings plus their partners, but no one thought to ask me. I do not expect anyone to pay for me, but it would’ve been nice to have been asked and I could have sent over my money or booked my ticket. All sold out now so too late.

what would you do? Is it even worth me speaking to hubby?

Thanks
M x

Honestly to me this is the hallmark of people who don’t want to badmouth loved ones. When someone I care about is seemingly rude I don’t like to talk about it with my husband until I am sure. Once those floodgates are opened it’s hard to ever close them. One or both of us will likely always remain suspicious of the person.

You've had a year to express any interest in going to the concert and to get your own ticket. But you didn't. You didn't ask your DH who he was going with in that entire time and you didn't say you'd want to go. You've excluded yourself.

This

What do you want to happen OP? Are you thinking of just noting that your in-laws are a bit shitty and not to invest much in the relationship going forward? Or are you expecting your husband to turn the gift down? Or are you thinking about a passive aggressive response like having a meal together just before the concert to make them feel as uncomfortable as possible (even at the expense of spoiling your dh's) evening)?

Tickets were bought last year and OP has only just found out that the other in-laws are going. Conveniently, tickets are no longer available.

How on earth did you reach this conclusion ? If the OP was given the impression that it was just the siblings going on their own, then that’s fair enough - why would she question it ? would have been inappropriate for her to invite herself to something meant as a gift between the siblings. They’ve kept it quiet until now that the other partners are going, and if her DH was aware of that all along, then he should have spoken up and made sure she was invited if she wanted to go.

How did you find out they are all going?

I don’t think there is a way to remedy this that would suit me. Even if you find a ticket you won’t be sitting together. If you did sit together you’ll not feel welcome. If he drops out they will blame you. Even if he does not go you’ll always wonder if they dislike you.

I wouldn’t ask him about it. Leave him to make his own assessment. Tell him afterward that you are baffled about why they would exclude you and you figure they don’t like you for some reason.

I would be stepping back from the in-laws and questioning DH’s own role in this. If he knew the other partners were going, why did he not speak up or mention it to OP when buying her own ticket would have been an option ? It’s the perceived secrecy that would bother me. Am I the only one wondering how the OP found out ?

Agree with this. And to some extent, I think it helps to post on forums like MN to gain some perspective before you take the proverbial, and possibly irreversible plunge.

How do you not see the problem? Three siblings are going on a trip, two are bringing their spouse but the third spouse is not invited. At the very least, surely most people would wonder why.

Of course it is weird. Why would he want his siblings partners at his gift but not his own wife? It's not a family gift at all then unless he accepts his wife is not family but his bil and sil are.

When did your husband know who would be going ?

I wonder if the ticket was originally bought for someone else and they couldn’t go and it was passed onto your dh as a way to get rid of the ticket and the money was already spent

Me personally I wouldn’t say a word but it would be filed away in the people I cut down contact with and don’t help ever again.

This is horrible behaviour. YANBU at all.

And others are entitled to express their opinions. It's an awful term to use and distracts from whatever OP is trying to say.

Wow. What a B.

of course that is rude. Like waaaaht?????
who does that?

how did the partners of your BIL and SIL find out about it and get their tickets? Why weren’t you given the equal opportunity? What a B, OP!

I asked my DH what he'd do if he were the DH in this scenario.

It would be: telling his siblings to sell his ticket, and they'll do something to celebrate his birthday another time. Either with all partners or none.

To answer the OP though it is very rude to all be going as couples bit to exclude her

I'd be fuming too - unless they just don't enjoy OP's company

I can understand why this feels hurtful, I'd feel left out too. As you mention the ticket was a gift given last year, I think the only way I'd feel differently is if the other two partners had since independently decided to go too. Whereas if the tickets were all booked at the same time then yes I agree it's unkind and hurtful to not have considered you at all.

I can also see why this might feel like an awkward conversation to have with your husband, as ultimately he didn't make this choice. Would it feel easier if it was more sharing how this situation has made you feel, rather than asking him to fix it? Or would you feel able to say this to the sibling that booked the ticket?

Aw. You're being meanypegs hun xx

I would be hurt by this.

Surely OP wouldn't have purchased a ticket as she would have assumed it was just DH and his siblings going, so then she'd have been gatecrashing as it were?

OP has felt hurt by their behaviour, surely it's equally as damaging to OP to basically pretend everything's fine? The relationship between her and the siblings is ruptured in any event, but without exploring it with them she won't know whether it was an honest, unintentional oversight or an indication of how they really feel about her. Her relationship with them is separate to her husband's.

You have been excluded.

No need to fall out with anyone over it, but listen to what they have just told you.

Do you do any wife work WRT his family? If you do, don't lift a finger to do anything from now on. Let him do it. If you are not good enough to invite to a concert as a partner, then you are not good enough to host Easter/Christmas, buy his families presents and send them cards. He can sort out his own family.

OP, how are things with your DH?

Do you think there is a chance they said, "do you want to ask DW if she wants to come as our other halves are?" and he said "nah, lets just do us".

Are you so sure it is them, and he doesn't have a hand in it?

yes this is rude and they are being assholes. if they wanted you there they would have given you the opportunity to buy your own ticket. disrespectful af.

OP”s entitled to use whatever terminology she likes. And it’s only distracting if you have the attention span of a gnat.