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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - sister and brother in law seemingly excluding me

190 replies

MarleneH · 31/10/2023 23:23

Good evening all,
please advise me if I’m being unreasonable being annoyed?

my husbands sister (SIL) brought hubby a gift for his birthday last year to go to a concert in December. I found out last week that It’s not just hubby and sister in law going, it’s sister in law and her partner, and my brother in law and his partner - so couples night excluding me. My hubby is basically third wheeling.

do I have the right to feel annoyed? I feel excluded and disrespected tbh. I feel like I should have been asked.

it’s annoyed me because it’s basically hubby and his siblings plus their partners, but no one thought to ask me. I do not expect anyone to pay for me, but it would’ve been nice to have been asked and I could have sent over my money or booked my ticket. All sold out now so too late.

what would you do? Is it even worth me speaking to hubby?

Thanks
M x

OP posts:

DisforDarkChocolate · 01/11/2023 07:11

If I was your husband I'd be leaving them to it. If it feels odd and excluding now, imagine how the whole evening will feel to him?

LakeTiticaca · 01/11/2023 10:15

Yes I would be pissed off as well

Northernladdette · 01/11/2023 10:16

I’d be hacked off about this but would definitely discuss with my husband. Maybe they thought you wouldn’t like the band? Couldn’t they have bought you a ticket for your birthday too? Was the cost more than they usually spend?

Padz · 01/11/2023 10:17

Playing devils advocate here but if they had bought your husband a ticket then asked you if you’d like to buy your own would this post be AIBU because they didn’t buy me one?
What I find more bizarre that they didn’t buy you a ticket is the fact you and your husband haven’t spoken about it!!
My husband and I would be in full force about it 😂

tabulaisrasa · 01/11/2023 10:22

Why on Earth can't you just speak to your husband about this? Use your words!

And yes, you have every right to be annoyed by this, it's inconsiderate at best and downright rude at worst.

Funkyslippers · 01/11/2023 10:28

Very rude. If they couldn't afford to pay for you or weren't sure if it was really your thing they could at least have communicated that with you. How is sil with you usually?

ScribblingPixie · 01/11/2023 10:29

Could this have happened because they're being tight about the amount they wanted to spend?

Crazycrazylady · 01/11/2023 10:29

I think maybe the felt that they were putting you financially on the spot by telling you . Is it a band you'd like?

mn29 · 01/11/2023 10:36

Yanbu to feel upset/left out . If they’re all taking partners then your h should have been given the same option. If it was bought in advance of his birthday as a surprise, they could have contacted you and said we’re buying him a ticket as a birthday present, would you like to go too and just transfer us the money for that one.

TheShellBeach · 01/11/2023 10:44

YANBU to be upset. I would be, too.

YABU for being unable to talk to your husband about it, though. I can't imagine being unable to discuss something like this with mine.

paddyclampofthethirdkind · 01/11/2023 10:47

I’d be hurt and upset. Is it a band that you like? Or one they assumed you don’t like, clutching at straws.

I’d have to take them to task over it I’m afraid

Brefugee · 01/11/2023 10:48

YABU for constant use of "hubby"

What is the concert? maybe they clubbed together to get a ticket for him for something they were all going to? Should they have asked you in advance if you want to go (and buy your own ticket)? possibly. Maybe they don't like you? But really. You are married. Use your words.

2jacqi · 01/11/2023 10:49

did your hubby know about this last year?? has he only just told you? If he is in any way loyal to you, then he wouldnt go!!

Original poster

MarleneH · 01/11/2023 10:56

It’s actually a band we both like. They’ve never stated they don’t like me.

OP posts:

Original poster

MarleneH · 01/11/2023 10:57

To confirm - it’s an act we both would like. Everybody likes them. Even still, they could have asked me if I liked it. I’m a spontaneous person and would have happily went even if I didn’t like them. Always open to trying new things.

OP posts:

Mari9999 · 01/11/2023 10:59

@MarleneH
It seems that as a birthday gift , his siblings are taking him to a concert. Usually a gift is given to the celebrant. In this case the celebrant is your husband. There is no real reason why the gift should have included a ticket for you. This is a one time event, does it really matter that he goes alone? Why create an unnecessary issue between the siblings? There is a lot to lose by creating unnecessary friction and nothing to be gained from doing so. What would be your purpose?

Snoken · 01/11/2023 11:00

Nothing will get resolved unless you and your husband snap out of the stunn-ness and actually communicate. Sometimes things happen in life that makes you stunned and it can be difficult to find the words, this is isn't one of those situations.

museumum · 01/11/2023 11:02

Yes, that's really weird. It should either be just the three siblings OR three siblings with all three partners invited. To include two partners and not invite the third is weird and unkind.

museumum · 01/11/2023 11:03

Your husband needs to say to his brother and sister - "thanks for the ticket, but you're both bringing your other halves, so obviously i need to get my wife another ticket".

Is it defined seating or sold out? If so it's even more of an issue as i don't see how it can be fixed but he still should say something.

Brefugee · 01/11/2023 11:04

Are tickets still available (or are their tickets for specific seats)?

I think your course of action here is to:
a) tell your DH that it is a bit shitty, and you would like to have been invited
b) find out if you can get a ticket and go with them
c) if you can't go tell them that next time you'd appreciate a heads up and invitation and that you feel a bit miffed at missing out on a gig

and then move on according to the results of the above.
But you need to use words, i think, and clear it up face to face

DarkDarkNight · 01/11/2023 11:05

No, that’s horrible of them, I’m not surprised you’re annoyed. If it was siblings alone then fair enough. But this seems very deliberate. They should have contacted you before and said they were getting your husband a ticket for his birthday and if you wanted to come they would purchase another ticket if you sent the money.

Theydontknowthatweknowthattheyknow · 01/11/2023 11:06

OP my PIL and SIL full on despise me and have done since the day we met. I've tried like hell to be likeable and fit into the family with no joy. It's taken years of tolerating their hatred for me to finally give up. They ignore me and my dh, gaslight us, go on holidays together and have even been out to a posh restaurant for Christmas dinner together without even telling me or my dh until we turned up Christmas morning to them all dressed up. Worst of all they make it gutwrenchingly obvious that they couldn't really give a shit about our young dd and barely see her whilst absolutely showering my nieces with love. I finally realise that regardless of whether it's me or them with the problem nothing is going to change and I'm not going to waste mine or my dd's life trying and being constantly made to feel inadequate. Take it from somebody who's on the other side, the only agreeable approach to vile people like this is to totally stone wall them. They don't want you in their family? Fine, then you have the absolute bare minimum contact with them. Be present only at essential events. Make zero effort to organise things like birthday presents. (leave that to your dp, they're his family not your's) and when the day comes that they need your help offer it only if it isn't putting you out. Play their game. Don't let them see you get upset or angry, give them the indifference that they give you. It's only isolating if you allow it to be. If you take the right mindframe it can be liberating. X

marmiteandminticecream · 01/11/2023 11:19

could they have bought the ticket for one of their dc but they didn't want to go

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 01/11/2023 11:19

MarleneH · 31/10/2023 23:38

We haven’t spoke about it. I think we both are stunned and feel quite awkward. :-(

Yes, you should obviously talk about that.

Propery communcation between spouses etc.

(and YANBU to be upset about this)

Imperfectp3rf3ction · 01/11/2023 11:20

I wouldn't really speak to your husband about it or he may feel forced to make a choice. I would message his sister though and just say it's a bit rude and any reason ?

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